What Will Your COVID-19 Story Be?

Hello friends, its safe to say life has changed drastically in a matter of minutes.  Our world is not the same as it was even a week ago.  I see a lot of information, panic, memes, and opinions all over the news and my social media feed and the one thing that seems clear - we will remember this.  

This strand of the coronavirus will come and go, but the public reaction, financial and political happenings will stay with this.  This time in history won't be forgotten.  The question is - what will your COVID-19 story be?  

Twenty, thirty, forty years from now when you retell your story of what happened and how you reacted, what will it be?  

Today, I was scrolling through the crazy and found a poignant post from a high school friend.  When I read her post, I asked if I could share because her answer is magnificent.  She agreed, so read with me the beautiful words of Laura Simon, then decide how you will respond.  God bless you all, if you need anything, please reach out.  I am here.  Take it away Laura...

On a beautiful, cloudless day in September of 2001, life as I knew it collapsed with two towers in New York. I was nearly 23, living in a brand-new apartment with a brand-new roommate, and student teaching for my final semester of school. (Yes, if you’re doing the math, I was doing the 4.5 year college plan. College was not my finest hour.)
One minute, life was beautiful and uncomplicated. Then my cooperating teacher pulled me aside, told me something terrible had happened, and sent me to the counseling office to watch live while she took charge of the eighth graders. It was a gift to me that I didn’t have to see that unfold with an audience of young eyes; I certainly wouldn’t have handled it well.

The following days very much resembled the ones we’re living in now. Crazy rumors led to runs on commodities that we feared would be in short supply. Instead of toilet paper, we lined up for miles to get gas. Gas stations sold out and shut down. We rushed to the grocery for non-perishable food. (In case you’re wondering, my provisions included cases of Dr. Pepper, M&M’s, Lucky Charms, and ramen noodles. Nothing else, really.) We were afraid to go to large, public places for fear that the terrorist next door (they were everywhere, we know) would target them. A rumor flew around that a large-scale attack was planned for malls nationwide. Schools felt vulnerable and many people kept their kids home. We were, quite literally, afraid to breathe, as if the air might be laced with explosives.

My roommate was housesitting for friends, which left me alone in our apartment, sprawled on the couch watching around-the-clock coverage of all the things we thought we knew. (As you can probably imagine, time revealed that much of that early reporting was completely inaccurate, but I didn’t have the perspective to realize it.) I didn’t even have cable, but I did have Dr. Pepper, which I consumed in abundance. The isolation was probably the worst thing that could have happened to me; lacking any good personal habits for dealing with anxiety, I watched, ate, and tried to find anything that would make me feel better.
It turned out that two things were quite helpful in doing just that. The first was shopping. As the fog lifted and things re-opened, the country began to realize that life probably would, actually, continue. The malls, desperate to lure in wary shoppers, offered deep discounts. Apparently, I am willing to risk death by suicide bomber if there’s a chance to score Express jeans for half price. A new wardrobe improved my mood remarkably, so I shopped often, in spite of the fact that I wasn’t getting paid for my student teaching gig. That’s why God invented credit cards, no?

The other opportunity that soothed that fear in my heart was happy hour at the TGI Friday’s right down the street with my new colleagues. Only it wasn’t really an hour – it was more like seven. For someone who’d rarely ever had a drink, that was a lot of alcohol. And all that alcohol masked the fact that my newfound community – which I desperately craved – wasn’t really what I was looking for. They were good people, but not on the path I wanted to be on. Still, it felt good to be with someone – anyone – in those early weeks, so I found a boyfriend in the happy hour crew and let the alcohol fix my misgivings.

Eventually I got rid of the boyfriend, and eventually I paid off the debt. Life went on, and offered me more personal 9/11’s. Each time, I flailed and writhed and grasped for anything to make me feel better. Each time – as it always does – life eventually moved on.

But the last one – just two years ago – finally changed me. That time, when my world bottomed out, I leaned in to God. Instead of binge-watching Friends, I walked the darkened halls of my house, opening my hurting heart to a father I barely knew. I read the actual Bible, and found a lot that I didn't know was in there. Friends – real friends – came alongside me and spoke truth. I found a counselor who was willing to ask the right questions, to look below the surface, to help me see things in myself I didn’t want to see. I begged God to fix things, and instead He opened my eyes. I was begging for a bandaid when I was bleeding out from a full-blown puncture wound. I didn’t know who He was or how He felt about me. The people I was trusting weren’t worthy of my trust. I was trying to earn what was freely given, and letting shame bully me into ignoring the truth.
God began to show me how to come to Him first, how to rest in what He was doing instead of fixing things myself. He began to show me that I can trust him, regardless of what people on earth decide to do. He began to rewrite my response to things that cause me anxiety.

And then last week happened. And this week. Every day, life as we knew it seems more and more impossible. If I let myself linger on social media, the bad news hits in regular waves. Just like 2001, the future we imagined seems gone forever. And just like 2001, my body is riding waves of anxiety. My appetite is gone. I’m tempted to stare at my phone all day. Sometimes my body just shakes. All day long, I just want to sleep. And then at night, sleep eludes me.

I’ve been given the same opportunity I was given almost 20 years ago, but this time I know this is where God is. In the scary and uncertain, He will do things I couldn’t imagine just last week. He will mold more than just my external situation; He will change my heart in these moments.

I still hate it – all this change and uncertainty and, most of all, the isolation. But I also know this is where we find him. If we’re brave, this is where strongholds finally break and victories finally happen. This is where we change. And this time, I’m here for it.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9   

I Am Not You

"I Am Not You!" 

This is something we should all repeat to ourselves on a daily basis every time we feel the nudge that says -

that woman has her act together more than me.  

She looks better, 

is more organized, 

is better at getting her kids to school on time, 

has more going for her, 

is a better cook,

has more friends because she's more outgoing or

is a better person of faith than me. 

The truth is: she is not you. 

The need for this statement isn't just a moment of reflection in my bag of insecurities, instead its found in the consistent, repetitive comments I hear in conversations with other women, we all have that voice that reaches out of our own area of weakness and grabs hold of that one woman who has other strengths.  But we aren't the women around us. 

If I've said it once, I've said it a hundred times.  

You get to be you!

No one else gets that honor.  I often feel like a disheveled mess next too the moms I stand beside at pick up or sit next to in a mom circle at whatever meeting, Bible study or prayer group we may be at, and yet, I know there are people out there who look at me with a level of jealously that I don't get.  I see all of me while others see only a portion.  I can forget where I stand out and how I add when get sucked into the comparison trap.  The thing is we may not often feel confident, but that doesn't mean we don't try.  

I have no problem, blubbering through a first conversation with a woman I'd like to befriend, because despite any word stumbles, I know the friendship is worth it, and the potential rejection is worth knowing, she's not my people.

I do put myself out there, but its not because I always feel comfortable doing it, its because I know its worth the embarrassment I might encounter.  I try new things because I like the discovery of it all. Not everything sticks and it doesn't have to.  On the flipside, I don't try certain things because of fear and that is what I need to work on.  You and I will inevitably have different strengths and weakness.  That my friends is beautiful!

Ladies, we need to get this.  Why?  Because we have a generation of kids coming up who are living online.  They have filters and retakes and other ways to hid or try again before they put themselves out there.  If a post doesn't get the desired response, they can remove it.  They don't have life teaching them that they will fail and that's okay.  This is setting them up to be devastated when they are rejected, lonely and when they do in fact, fail.  The rise in suicide rates is in doubt, connected to the internet world that is our reality.  I'm not saying its all bad, but we have recognize where the dangers are located so we can navigate through them. 

If we are able to show our kids and our friends' kids that we can step up to the plate in the face of fear, and that is okay because we are who we were made to be, then we are giving them the tools they need to do the same. 

I am not someone that thinks who I am out the gate is a perfect woman, but I do think I have to own up to who I am to ever have a chance at being the best me.  I have to acknowledge who God designed me to be and love what he created, and then once I see that I am not the cookie cutter person as the others I encounter, God can mold me more into his image.  

That takes awkward encounters and uncomfortable moments.  It means embracing the difficult for the goal on the other side.  

Dare to see yourself the way your creator did when he made you and said, "It is good." Dare to embrace the way you add to the world instead of comparing how you are deficient to the women around you.  Dare to model courage and vulnerability in the way you face relationships and life.  Dare to live outside your comfort zone in order to have the best life possible.  

Still don't think you can do that one thing? Guess what, we may not have the strength in ourselves, but if we have God, he gives us what we need to step up and step out! Go read these verses and be encouraged!

Psalm 22:19

Psalm 28:7-8

Psalm 46:1

Isaiah 35:4

Isaiah 40:29

Isaiah 40:31

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Ephesians 6:10

So Let's Do This! 

Mind Buffet

Golden Corral, Hometown Buffet, Cici's Pizza, Sizzler, Souplantation and the list goes on of all-you-can-eat buffets in our country.  When you think of a buffet its a bounty of food available to eat.  Pay your price and eat everything you can in the sitting.

Well recently, I thought about another buffet.  The mind buffet.  What am I talking about?  I talking about the thoughts we fixate on and allow our brains to consume.  As I've been reading through,"Afraid of All the Things: Tornadoes, Cancer, Adoption, and Other Stuff You Need the Gospel For," by Scarlet Hiltibidal , I was reminded of the importance of what we mentally feed on.

If your fear is being struck by lightening, feeding on YouTube videos of people struck by lightening isn't going to help. It will in fact feed the fear that you don't want to grow.  That fear will get bigger.  You don't want that.  Living in fear is living in bondage.  You become a slave to the thing you fear.

As Scarlet points out in her book, the probability of you actually going through that thing you fear is slim to none.  In his book, "When Panic Attacks: The New, Drug-Free Anxiety Therapy That Can Change Your Life," Dr. David D Burns, talks about a lie many people live by that says by worrying about something, they can keep it from happening, when in reality, worrying about it doesn't have any bearing on whether or not it happens.  

Feeding what fuels you towards peace is the best way to help yourself.  Here are some scriptures to help you in that journey.

Proverbs 4:23 - Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

Romans 12:2 - Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Philippians 4:8 - Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things.

2 Corinthians 10:5 - We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

Colossians 3:2-5 - Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.  For you did, and your life is now with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.  Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry.

I John 4:18 - There is no fear in love.  But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.  The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

Facing our fears with truth and love can be very powerful.  Feeding on truth and peace instead of fear is the best mind buffet we could ask for. If you are afraid of financial ruin, focus on being wise with your money and then trust God with the rest.  Financial ruin can happen to any of us and so many things are out of our control, so focusing on that doesn't help, but creating budgets and wise investing, etc, can be a great action step.

Obviously, if fear or anxiety is out of control, speaking to your doctor and/or therapist, is a necessary step.  I don't want to oversimplify a complex issue, but I do think checking what we are feeding on is something we all can do!

Happy Wednesday!

Seeing God

I have a wonderful relationship with God and have given my life to serving him, but trust has been an issue for me since I was little.  Facing divorce, disease and an abusive step parent at an early age, created this fear.  Even though I see the hand of God through it all and even have gratitude for some of the worst moments because of what they birthed, its still a knee jerk reaction - fear.  Bad things happen in this world.  John 16:33 tells us that. 

 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

As I navigate real life, I find I have to remember that I have access to peace. 

We just got back from almost two weeks in Texas.  It was family time, it was fun, it was exhausting.  We landed in LAX right in the peak of evening rush hour.  We got in our car and got the 405 ready for the long drive home, because we were ready to go home.  As we merged into traffic, our car check engine light came on and then it started to rev loudly and wouldn't shift into the upper gears.  We managed to get off an exit pretty quickly in Culver City off Sepulveda.  We pulled into a parking lot and my husband tried a few things to get the car working.  His attempts didn't work.  

I grabbed his hand as he got back into the car and we prayed.  I asked God for help because my internal panic mode was kicking into gear much better than the car transmission. 

I then searched for autobody shops near us.  The closest one was Rony's.  I dialed and a man answered, it was Rony.  I asked when he closed.  He told me 5 o'clock (an hour before this call), but he was still there, what did I need?  I told him what happened and where we were and he told us to come on over.  Rony checked out the car and promised to make this a priority so we could get home.  He recommended some hotels and told us when he opened in the morning.  He would start working tonight on what the issue could be based on the reading he got from the computer.  

We managed to take our car down the couple blocks to our hotel.  In the morning when my husband took the car down, Rony gave us one of his own to drive back to the hotel.  He promised to have an answer by check out so we would know what our next steps would be.  

The two options were pricey and it looked like a rental car was in our future while the car got fixed.  I prayed again and in the midst of my questions and fear, I also found that peace.  Why? Because as I looked online, Rony's had amazing reviews.  He was honest, decent prices and quality work.  I didn't even look at that before pulling into his lot.  He was close, he was open, we were desperate.  Yet, God led us to this awesome place.  God had his hand on us through the hardship and I saw it.  I decided to thank him and recognize him for it.  I decided to trust.  

The option was in, $1200 and we would have to drive home in a rental car and come back for the car later.  Then ten minutes later came another call and a question about the battery.  Turns out, our newish battery didn't hold a charge while parked for two weeks and it was talking to the computer correctly.  Resetting the code could work.  Rony tried it,  he tested it and all seemed good.  He seemed reticent to let us leave since, he wouldn't be able to do anything if it didn't work, but he was pretty sure the car was good.  He was right.  We went home that day in our car and because it wasn't rush hour, we did it under three hours! The bill was under $200 instead of $1200.  

God is always there, even if the bill had been $1200, but seeing that God was caring for us and directing us, allowed me to understand the peace he gives us.  

I could have focused on the fact that our car broke down in the first place and why couldn't God just let me get home Tuesday night, but instead I chose to see his provisions in the midst of life.  

I hear people misquote I Corinthians 10:13 all the time.  They say, "God won't give you more than you can bear," but that is not what that passage is saying.  Its talking about temptation not hardship.  John 16:33 is a much better passage to hold onto.  This world can suck but God is God in the end and he is with us in the middle of the suck.  

You can trust him and so can I.  Let's focus on that.  How have you seen God in the midst of real life?  Have you been paying attention?  Look for the clues that his there.  I promise you won't be disappointed! 

P.S. If you live near Culver City - go to Rony's! He's a good guy and a mechanic that won't take advantage! 

Getting Unstuck

I'm not gonna lie, I feel a bit beat up lately by life.  It just seems to be one thing after the next and its made my threshold for challenges pretty low.  Monday of last week, I was met with two smaller issues that simply sent me over the edge.

Reality is...life is hard.  It was never meant to be a Thursday night sitcom, where something dumb happens and we figure it out in 30 minutes.  We are going to always have challenges to face.  Some are harder than others.

Emotions like fear, anxiety and anger can become dominating forces that seem to wreak havoc in our daily lives.  

Dr. Caroline Leaf shares in her book, "Think, Learn, Succeed," that fear isn't a innate emotion but a learned state.  We are born into love and fear is a reaction learned from life.  She shares this from a scientific place as a neurologist, but I've seen this unfold in my life and understood its truth as I look at my journey.

I wasn't scared of what would happen to my daughter, until the day one month ago yesterday when I was riding in an ambulance to the ER. (Heck, this morning I saw an ambulance pass by with sirens howling and I started to cry just remembering that day).  In the weeks since that sudden seizure, I have been met with many fearful thoughts.  When she falls or hits her head.  When she starts coughing (what she did before the seizure).  When she looks like something just isn't right.  All of those now bring on an initial fear response.  This has illuminated the truth of Dr. Leaf's research. 

We don't think in "what if" terms until we are met with the reality of worse case scenario.  Fear is an awful beast.  It can be a blessing when it signals danger and we are able to use it to fuel wisdom and get out of a bad situation.  But fear is often misused to control us in ways that keep us emotionally and sometimes even physically paralyzed from living life.  Fear is often a disguised emotion. 

In my years in counseling, one of the biggest light bulb moments was when I realized my anger problem, really wasn't an anger problem but a fear and anxiety problem.  Anger was the beast emerging from me but it was really a signal of internal panic or even stress.  Insecurities, self-imposed pressure or anxiety of the things out of my control unleashed emotions that weren't equal with the weight of the current situation.  

I've seen how important our words are but those words first start as thoughts.  We have to be detectives in discovering who we are and why we are.  This work is important if we ever want to move forward.  I recently heard a talk by Mel Robbins, where she asks, "What is the next chapter of your life?" Introspection is the key to moving forward.  So many things in the physical world, translate well into our spirit/soul world.  Take organizing for example. I don't care who you watch or who your organization Yoda is because they all start at the same place: 

Take it all out.  

If you are going to organize your closet, you first have to get all the clothes and stuff out, then you can determine what you need to keep and get rid of, and then based on what is left decide the right way to organize it.  

The same is true for our thoughts and feelings.  You have to bring them out of cobb webbs and hiding and find out what is there.  Then and only then can you look at what needs to be there and what needs to be replaced.  

Dr. Caroline Leaf says thoughts can be redesigned.  I love that concept.  As long as we keep going in a mindless state, passively allowing life to happen, we will be victims to the mental blocks and bad thoughts that we've allowed to grow.  

Being aware of this new fear response, helps me to redesign the thoughts and move forward with confidence.  As a Christian I believe in a God who has a plan.  It may not always make sense to me, but my God has all the power, but also is a loving God.  Love and power together are a safe zone.  It doesn't mean that everything will turn out perfect, but it does mean that I can trust him, even when it doesn't.  Keeping that fact before me each time I'm faced with my new fear, will be an immense help in finding freedom from the fear. 

Replacing thoughts is not some one and done experience.  You can't read this blog post, think - great point, and just go on in life.  No, there is work that goes into it, that work is daily and takes a while to reach the finish line.  Dr. Caroline Leaf says 63 days is the key for those dendrites to rewire and recreate a new conscious mental pathway. (Check her out - just google search and discover the many ways you can learn about all of this from her).  

Now its your turn, you have a choice. If you don't do the work and develop new habits, nothing will change. What thoughts do have running amok in your head?  Is today the day your evaluate and redesign your thought life? Just know I'm over here with you; a woman in process!

God Knows

Surrender is a crazy decision, at least it feels that way, but often its the most amazing step in life we can make.  Obviously, the key to surrender is who you are surrendering too.

I made the decision in two parts to follow Jesus.

Once as a four-year-old enrolled in a Christian preschool.  The teacher told us about Jesus and I still remember that day, thirty-six years later.  The letter of the day was I - for Itchy Ivy.  I also remember going home and telling my mom about making the decision to accept Jesus in my heart.

The second part of that decision was my freshman year of college, when I decided to surrender completely.

The years in between were filled with both learning about Christianity both from a "know your religion" perspective and testing the validity of the historical claims.  It was also filled with relational encounters with God and a lot of bumps in life's road.  The bumps led to some distrust in the God who controlled my life.

It wasn't until a basement experience of crying and journaling that I understood the whole story.   I had misinformation about God in the midst of rough road and my earlier conclusion of distrust was unfounded, though understandable.

I'm pretty sure I just condensed an hour conversation into two paragraphs so if you want to know more about what I mean, feel free to ask.

The thing is, that distrust nature lingers often when I get overwhelmed, stressed or fearful and I can try once again to do it on my own.  This week things didn't go as planned in a few ways and as what I planned changed, I once again saw, God knows.  When I make the plans then turn them into him, and let him do, I find things usually work out when its all said and done.  I'm not talking fairy tale here, we all know life is hard, but what I mean is that God sees the curve balls I don't so often when things change from what I thought I could handle, its because God was preparing me for a curve ball he knew was headed my way.

The friend that cancelled plans, left room for me to process or take care of a need that landed in my lap.  The event I was going too that now couldn't work, would have been too much with life that just happened.  That weekly sports team I felt I shouldn't sign my kid up for this season, proved wisdom in God's leading when random life unraveled and I needed down time to recover.  Or sometimes it works in the positive, as in that conference that my friends had a last-minute open spot to, was just the encouragement I needed.

God knows.

He has the proper perspective: he is both with us and above us.  God is everywhere at all times.  He is not bound my time or distance.  He is with us in the moments and that gives us his protection as well as the shared experience of deeper connection.  He can also see the past, present and future, so looking to him gives us the best shot at moving forward and making choices in life.

Its also freeing.  Its great to sit back and just take it as it comes then to feel frantic in the midst of every turn in life.  This week, I realized, its once again time to surrender.  I have been taking the reigns of life and trying to control what I have no control over. The stress of that unresolved conflict has taken its toll and its time.  Time to let go.

What about you?  Where are you in all of this?  Is it time to trust?  Is it time to surrender?  Maybe you aren't sure about Jesus as more than just some story you've heard about, much less a leader you can trust in life.  If that is you, reach out, I'd love to help you tackle those questions and point you to the resources that have answered my skepticism over the years.  Today is a new day and maybe its time for some new ways in your life.  Happy Wednesday!

Before I Die

Last week, I noticed a lumps on the back of my neck and the side of my neck and you know what I thought - I'm dying.  Despite everything I know about positive thinking, the power of God, the promises in scripture and that just because MedMD says, "you are dying," doesn't make it so...

I worried about the worse case scenario!

I called the doctor and the nurse wasn't sure she could get me in, then she asked why I wanted to be seen and when I told her, she had an appointment the very next morning.  Then when I got there, the line for the copay's was so long, I ended up signing into the doctor behind five other people and sat down waiting to sit for awhile and yet, my name was called back almost immediately.  Usually, I wait in the room a bit, but my doctor came in pretty quickly after the nurse.  All of this had me completely FREAKED OUT!!!  I kept trying not to think about the "C" word and yet it was all that kept coming into my mind.

Spoiler alert: I'm not dying and I don't have cancer.  I just managed to cut the back of my head without knowing it, it got infected and that caused my lymph nodes to swell so I was given an antibiotic to deal with the infection.

In those moments between finding the lumps, deciding what to do and hearing from the doctor; I was flooded with worry, but I also got some clarity.

Truth: We don't know how long we have.  We may live til we are 102 and make it on the Today Show for our milestone birthday or we may die next week.

That, my friends, is out of our control.  I don't always get how God works, but I do trust him.  God speaks truth through the Bible, but also through my life.  He's been there through it all.  Yes, there have been times that I didn't feel him or honestly wanted to die, but I know He was always there and I have seen his guiding hand all over my life.  It still scares me to die.  I am not afraid of what awaits me, but I hate the thought of leaving my family behind and not finishing what I started.  I can trust my Savior who knows just how many days I have on this earth, but I also need to be faithful with each one He gives me.

I, like you, have a job to do.  Yes, God gives all Christians a job to do in Matthew 28:16-20, but God also created us each with different ways to share his love with others.  How we walk it out is different for each one of us.  I want to be faithful in being Carrie, the best way possible and to finish what I start.

I realized in those moments of "what if this is the end" that I want to do better at being present in the lives of those I love.  I want to make the 936 weeks from birth to graduation with my kids is the best it can be.  I want to be there for my husband.  I want to go for it in my ministry and business and finish the books that have been waiting to be finished.  I want to share my story, the hope I have and what I've learned with the world (or at least my world).

I am grateful that I don't have cancer but I'm also grateful for the clarity, that scare gave me.  Because its important to know what you would do before you die.  Do you have clarity on that? Is your life in order? May you glean from my own experience.

My Biggest Regret

I can't remember where I was this past week, but something in life sparked a thought that resonated in my heart.  I immediately made a few notes in the notes app on my phone because I knew with my life going a million miles an hour, I would forget this heart moment when it was time to write about it.

Sure enough, I remembered I took notes on what I was thinking in that moment, but remember NOTHING about what inspired me.  

In my 40 years, I have done some stupid stuff.  

I have financial regrets,
moments I took my life in may hands and by the grace of God survived,
I have big regrets like the person I lost my virginity to and having an abortion.
I regret times I didn't go for my goal
and trust me this list goes on, but none of those are my biggest regret.  

My biggest regret is not being me.  Honestly, this regret affects some of the items above.  When I allowed someone else dictate who I should be, I made compromises far greater than the consequences to the poor choice.  I lost a piece of myself.  Public opinion of Carrie seemed to outweigh Carrie.  

That is my biggest regret!  

Carrie Guy might not be famous, trending or going viral, but Carrie is important.  I have value and being myself is so important because God made me like this for a reason.  God doesn't make mistakes.  

So many times I felt conviction about something and when met with criticism or resistance, I caved to public opinion.  What I wanted was to be a virgin when I got married.  After being molested a few times, I wanted a pure relationship built on friendship and trust, not sex.  Even with that, I wanted to be liked, so I gave in and then found myself pregnant.  I had nothing against my baby, but I wasn't in a place to get married and my idea was to have the baby in secret, but once again I was persuaded both by others and fear of public opinion to abort.  Doing what someone else wants leaves us with ammunition later to assault ourselves.

Truth is the only person we have to live with the rest of our lives, is ourselves! If we don't stand up for who we are and do what we know is right or listen to our inner voice we betray the only human who will be with us 365 days a year for every year until the day we die.

Being me is a gift.  Being you is a gift.  Don't forget that.  Each us were made to be different, unique. A world of lemmings and step ford wives is boring and unoriginal.  How are you being you right now in life?  Have you betrayed yourself?  Do you need to take some quiet time and make peace with yourself?  Do you need to connect with your maker and discover who you are?  What were you placed on earth to do, be and share?  Maybe you are trying too hard to be enough that you aren't cherishing just being you.

Stop.  Let's quit the regrets and be intentional to be you.  If you share this regret with me, you may need to take some time to contemplate who that is.  When we practice being what others want, we can lose sight of who we are in the first place.  Let's recalibrate and do it right!

Who's with me? Let hump day be a new day.  You have half a week to do it differently.  Happy Wednesday!!!

4 Life Lessons from Frozen

As you read this, I am at Disneyland (well you know if you read this when I post it, otherwise who knows where I am when you read this).  For some time, I have been making note of life lessons from the Disney movie, Frozen, as it is my three-year-old's favorite and I've seen it more than I can count.

So while I wait in line for my daughter to get her picture with Anna and Elsa,  you can enjoy the deep thoughts this mom thought after her 300th time watching Frozen!

So here we go...


1. Rejection isn't always about you - 

I know you have to watch a Disney movie a lot to put yourself in the characters' shoes, but I really feel bad for Anna.  She has a best friend in her sister and then one day its gone.  Her parents die and she's alone and lonely.  She has no idea why Elsa won't engage with her and as we all do when we don't know the answers we fill in the gaps with guesses.  Obviously, Anna never guessed the truth was what it actually was, but in our own lives when we get rejected or treated badly we often ask what we have done wrong when truthfully more times that not it has NOTHING to do with us! In the case of Anna, she was asking and no one was telling her anything, but most of us never ask, we just assume.  We all know assuming makes an ass of u and me, right?!  So please get more information!!! Quality relationships that are worth it!

2. We aren't meant to do it alone - 

Even after Elsa's secret gets out and she sees what she is capable of she's still motivated by fear and hell bent on doing it alone.  So many of us are independent and that is great, but we all need others.  Some of us have more relational needs than others and I know when we are scared or ashamed of our reality our knee jerk reaction is to push everyone away, but that is NEVER the answer.  When you are in a bad place, you need to lean into trusted family and friends.  Isolation makes things worse not better.  I see it happen all the time so its not just Elsa's problem.  If you see someone in your life pulling away, reach out.  You can't make them do the right thing but you can do your part to remind them you are there.

3. Fear is never a good motivator - 

Whenever fear is motivating us to do life, we will end up in a mess - guaranteed!  Fear is a recipe for disaster.  Love is in fact the only thing that can conquer fear.  That was a fact long before Frozen came out.  In fact the Bible shares this truth over and over again!  God is love (1 John 4:8) and perfect love drives out fear (1 John 4:18).  It is important to ask yourself what is driving your life.  If you ever answer fear, its time for a pit stop to regroup and overcome that fear before moving forward.

4.  Being Yourself Isn't Enough -

When Elsa finally shares her secret she feels a sense of freedom.  She let's it all go (well thats what the song says).  She feels a freedom to finally give into her power.  The thing is, she still isn't free.  The ice making fun ends when she realizes she's left everyone in a winter world and accidentally freezes her sister's heart.  When this happened she made herself the monster instead of realizing that freedom isn't in being whatever we are, but learning balance. She was never meant to hide it or fully give into it, but to balance it.  When she learned how to control it with love, she finally found the balance.  She had freedom to be herself and the relationships and love she needs.  Instead of making herself the enemy, she needed to make the problem the problem and find a solution.

I was able to relate to this with my own anger.  I am a passionate person and its got some great benefits and liabilities.  So instead of pushing others away and trying to be something I'm not, I have to find out what works for me and keep working on it until I get it right.  What works for me may not work for someone else and visa versa which is why comparison is so often an enemy.  We need to be us, but we also need to be in community and find a way to bring us to society.  That takes love, work and discipline, but its worth it!

Which Prayer Are You Praying?

Ever learn a lesson, be excited to learn it, only to find you are immediately tested in it?

Recently, I attended a conference with some amazing speakers.  It was in a breakout session that I was introduced to P. Brian Noble from Peacemaker Ministries.  I could write at least a dozen blog posts and videos just from the information he shared alone.  Dealing with tension in our lives and in our world in a healthy manner is a necessary skill set that is in danger of extinction in the United States in 2018.

Prayer is something I talk about a lot so a distinction he made on prayer, caught my attention. He identified two types of prayer - faith prayer and fear prayer.  As he described the difference, I sat in humility as I realized I am often guilty of praying fear prayers.  What are faith and fear prayers?

Faith prayers recognize the goodness of God, and state that, as we seek to follow God, in the midst of a world that is less than perfect and often filled with pain.  If the purpose of prayer is tuning into God's heart and seeking him in the process of life, then faith prayer is the best way to accomplish this.   So if this is faith prayer, then fear prayer is just the opposite and this is where I was tested.

Sunday morning our group woke up and we headed to the beach before going to church.  As we drove over a speed bump in the beach parking lot, my check engine light clicked on.  I was instantly freaking out.  Fear is a reflex that seems to be first at bat in my mind when life happens. I immediately was worried about not making it home with a van full of teenagers.

I started to start the "please God help..." but then I remembered what I had learned.  Fear prayers come out of panic,  and its a reflex knee jerk to life that has us questioning God and his goodness.  Its almost like saying, "uh oh, God, you dropped the ball and now I'm in trouble, rescue me and do your job."

Instead I said, "Lord, I am fearful right now, and I confess it to you.  You knew this would happen and I've been praying for this trip so I know you will grant me the wisdom to know how to proceed. Lord, thank you for all you are doing and help me to stand in a place of faith instead of running to fear."

Fear stood next to me but I continued to tell it no! I called my husband and discovered by talking with him and a mechanic at our church that as long as it wasn't driving differently and the light wasn't flashing, I should be able to make the three-hour drive home.  No matter the outcome, God had it.  He had a plan and I had to make a choice:

Would I trust him or would I live in fear? I chose to trust him.

Which prayer are you praying?  Can you think of a time you prayed a fear prayer?  How could you change it to be a faith prayer?  Thanking God for what his already doing and asking him to help you to walk it are a great faith prayer in any situation.  Sure, its hard when we stand in ruin or loss, to say, "God is good," but it is true. Truth is always the best place to start in life because it leads to a path of peace.  God is bigger than what we face.  The outcome may not always be what we hoped for, but he never leaves us and always works our best in the midst of pain and heartache. I am praying for you as you allow God to teach you his truths.  God bless.  Happy Wednesday!

Two Unplanned Lessons

Sunday,  was our last youth group of the school year.  I wanted to do something fun to end the year so I found an idea online and ran with it.  I had the teens meet me at our local Goodwill.  Each teen was given a $7 limit and drew a name of someone else in the group.  Then I let them go pick out an outfit for their selected person.  The challenge was to make it crazy.  Then we would get dressed in our purchased attire and go grab dinner together as a group of silly dressed misfits.

Everyone seemed to be enjoying the selection process.  Green tags were 99 cents so we were scanning for what we could find on the cheap.  Everyone went to the front to pay and then took turns changing outfits.  It was then that the mood took a turn from festive to fearful.

 

I heard people saying, "I'm not wearing this." "Do we have to go to dinner?"  "I just want to stay here, you guys can go without me."  My reply was a loving, but firm, "We are all doing this."  I didn't have a lesson planned but one was organically developing right before my eyes. 

Everyone changed, we took photos and then threw our normal wear in my car.  The Goodwill in our town is located on a busy street with lots of restaurant options. The plan was to trek it to In-N-Out for some great burgers, but then we hit another snafu.  One member started crying and didn't want to go.  She was describing her experience as a panic attack.  

I didn't want to appear heartless because, honestly,  I could relate to what she was experiencing and I love this young lady, so I didn't want to push her too far, but I didn't have many options.  I explained to her that as the only adult, I couldn't leave her alone at a store that was closing shortly, and if I allowed her to call her parent and we waited for her to be picked up the rest of group wouldn't have time to get dinner.  She had to go.  

She obliged and I spoke the group about going to a dinner spot a bit closer.  We landed on Jimmy Johns and when we arrived we were the lone group in the empty restaurant, save the 4 males behind the counter.  We ended up sharing with the employee at the register what we were doing to which he pointed to the outfits and gave his opinion of them each.  When he got to the young lady who had been terrified to go in public dressed as she was, he commented specifically of the normalcy of her outfit.  He was sculpting this lesson with even more detail.
 

As we sat and ate, we had a very nice discussion about our time together.  We noted two things: 

1.  We care too much about the opinions of others and often when we care too much we are prey to the bullies around us.  Confidence, while it can be a target, often puts to rest any negativity because we aren't giving heed to the neigh sayers.  People tend to be attracted to the personality, giving no notice to the details of dress.  

2.  What seems crazy to me might be normal to you.  There are enough people with variations of personalities, style and opinions that you really have nothing to fear.  If you like it, someone else will, you just have to find those people.  

We also discussed how we were in this together.  No one was going alone, instead we were protected by our group.  We talked about learning to be more confident in who were, and owning it instead of waiting to be rubber stamp by the general population.  We also discussed comfort zones and how hard it is to walk outside them.   I can't put down the girl who was scared at the prospect of going out in her crazy outfit because even though it didn't bother me, something else with a different set of circumstances might.  If I throw any stones her way, I'm just giving her ammo to lob them back at me when the shoe is on the other foot.  

I was proud of this group of students who learned something new and had fun even outside their comfort zones.  They all got on board and became team players.  It ended up a fun night!  

I am sharing all of this because I know these lessons apply to all of us.  Fear of being judged is huge, probably more of an issue that fear of missing out.  But please know that no one can label you unless you let it stick.  If that label doesn't fit, take it off and keep going.  Embrace others for who they are and encourage them to grow from where they are not from where you are.  Encourage someone to leave their comfort zone with the promise that you won't leave them, and do something that makes you a little uncomfortable.  Those moments usually make for a good time!  

On a side note, I thought this exercise would make for a fun first date.  Just a note to anyone single out there.  What a way to get to know someone and have fun! Happy Wednesday to you all!!

4 Lessons From Disney's "Wrinkle In Time"

This last week my son and I finished reading the book, “A Wrinkle In Time” by Madeleine L'Engle. I told my son we couldn't see the movie until we finished the book, and even though he didn’t quite get why, he was motivated to complete it. We had a great mother/son date going to see the movie, but I would be lying if I didn't admit my disappointment with  Disney's take on this treasured book.  The undeniable Christian themes in the book were replaced with a universal religious message that didn’t resonate with me.  (On a side note: I also felt rushed through the story and missed some of the scenes that were omitted from the book.  I felt the depth of the story was lost as some of the modern elements inadvertently added  a superficial quality that distracted from the overall themes).  

Despite my criticisms, I still came away with some teaching points that Caleb and I discussed and were about to apply to our own lives.  

1. The Importance of Parenting - In the end, Dr. Murry apologizes to his daughter, Meg, for missing out on 4 years of her life because of his tessering misadventures.  He looks at her and says, “Instead of shaking hands with the universe, I should have been holding yours.”  

Parents are people and we have our own dreams and aspirations and that is never wrong, but when those dreams supersede our role as parent we miss out on the greatest opportunity we have to shape someone’s life.   Parenting is hard in the moments, but over before you know it. You can’t get that time back, so its important to give it your full attention.  We have to be present as parents and this message met me loud and clear from the silver screen.  

2. The Paramount Power of Love - Clearly when Charles Wallace is overtaken by IT, he is in all accounts, demon-possessed.  IT uses fear, revenge and anger as its primary weapon in overcoming any and every target.  Love, was the only thing that could overcome the evil of IT.  Love is what Jesus did on the cross, he gave his life for all and cared for us in that act, despite our flaws.  As Meg points out, love sees us for who we are and doesn’t quit in the midst of reality.  That love is what defeated IT and returned Charles Wallace to his body and home.  Love is what Christians are tasked to share with the world, regardless the circumstances.  

3. The Significance of Facing Your Fears - Calvin’s relationship with his parent (mom in book vs dad in movie) is  tumultuous at best.  The fear he faces is referenced in movie and as the final scenes conclude, he notes that it took him a "trip around the universe" to face his fears.  Finding Nemo is another movie that highlights this theme and its something we all need to learn.  Fear is a prison and love is the antidote. It does take risk to face one’s fears, but even if you fail, you are stronger for trying, and its easier to dust yourself off and try again.  Being free from fear is definitely worth any risk involved! 

4. The Treasure Of Being You - We are imperfect people and our comparison game of why someone else is better than us or how “this one thing” would make us better is a lie and a trap.  When we focus on what we wish we were, we miss out the beauty of who we actually are.  Meg is a great example of this as she encounters her dream self and has to use her faults to save the day.  This doesn’t mean we stop working at being better people, it just means we acknowledge the wonderful creation of God we truly are.   

Do any of these speak to you in the reality of your life, today?  Is there a challenge in these four points that can motivate you to explore outside your comfort zone and encourage you to grow as a person?  Whether you watched the movie or not, loved it or hated it, I think the bonus lesson is no matter what, you can always glean from your experiences in life, fictional or otherwise!  Happy Wednesday and beyond!! 

BFG and Jesus

This morning I had the pleasure of connecting with a young woman that God placed on my path several years ago.  We discovered our mutual love for theatre and Jesus.  As we reconnected over coffee and conversation interrupted intermittently by my two-year old, we entered into a spiritual conversation on fear that I wanted to share with you.

Often, we can walk through life in fear that, as we face crossroads, we will pick the wrong way.  Life choices like the city you live in, the job you take and the person you marry can fill your heart with anxiety, well if you are anything like me it can.

Yes, God has a plan and we can trust him to guide us, but hearing his voice isn't an exact science and the reality of that unknown can fill our hearts with fear.  The truth is - it doesn't need to.  We can trust God and if, please note the "if" here, we are seeking God we will find him.  Jeremiah 33:3 says, "Call to me and I will show you great and unsearchable things that you do not know."  We can take that promise to the bank.

Sometimes we spend time seeking God in our prayer and Bible times, and we look for that green light to go forward. While that is wisdom, making the choice often comes with some uncertainty.

If you have seen the movie BFG, you will recall the scene when BFG leaves Sofie back at the orphanage to protect her from the other giants.  After realizing she isn't in a dream, she goes out onto the balcony, calls to BFG, asks him to catch her, closes her eyes and jumps.

He in fact does catch her.  She was able to jump because she knew BFG and she knew he loved her.

We must know God and know his love to have the faith to jump.  But when we do, we can trust God will catch us.

I remember my sophomore year Bible class in high school at Dayton Christian.  My teacher, Mr. Pittman, told us a story of having to decide which school to attend.  He was seeking God in the direction and made his choice.  As he was about to head out, he got a call that changed his course.  He used this illustration to show that sometimes you have to make a step in one direction, and know that if its not the direction God is leading, then God is big enough to change the course.  But often we have to take a step in faith and not allow fear to paralyze us.

Fear is not of God (2 Timothy 1:7).  God is love.

We can't allow the unknown to hold us back, but with the love and wisdom of God, we should feel freedom to propel forward in life.

Sofie doesn't allow fear to hold her back, not just with the leap of faith from that balcony but as the story continues on.  She stands for what is right in the face of those man eating giants.

I don't know what your man eating giants are or the crossroads you face, but I know the God who created us, the God who died for us and the God who seeks to love us at all costs.  That kind of love will sustain you and protect you as you venture on in life.  It doesn't mean you won't encounter challenges but truthfully, I can take courage in knowing that by serving Jesus, my Savior, I have confidence to step out in life.  The worst thing that can happen to me is death but even if someone takes my life, they can't take away my freedom in Christ and the life after this that he has promised me as his child.

Go out and do great things with God at the helm of your life ship.  Seek him, find him and conquer this world.  We are living for things far greater than the crossroads we encounter!!

One Mistake That Needs To Be Corrected

I have been a Christian since I made that choice for myself at age 4 in my preschool class.  My relationship with God has had its high points and low dips.  There was even a time after some tumultuous years when I verbally told God,

"I don't like what you've done in my life and I was going to take over." 

He let me, and I made an even bigger mess of my life, making two of the biggest mistakes to date. 

Even with that season, I would say I am close to God.  In moments of life, all I have had was God and he showed up in a GIANT way!

I recently put together curriculum for a youth retreat that rocked my soul! I came across a video (that has since been deleted).  It shared words and background set to connect with the song Names of God by Laurell Hubick.   As I watched the video and listened to the words, I began to cry.  Before I tell you why, let me share a story.

I can recall one night, as a junior-high student, going to bed feeling more alone than ever before.  I called out to God saying I needed to be held.  I needed to feel someone hug me, like you would if a human being held another human being.  I went to bed that night and literally felt God's arms around me. 

HE ANSWERED MY PRAYER! 

That God hasn't diminished in my life. 
He is just as big as he ever was. 
He still speaks to me and yet,
I have made a major mistake!

I have let my life become bigger than my God. 

I have allowed anxiety, fear and worries take over and it has become my default to accept the broken circumstances that are handed to me. 

GUESS WHAT?! 

I don't have to. 

That video sparked this awakening in my soul that reminded me of the God I believed in all those years ago in that bed all alone - the God I still follow today.  I realized I am not living in a way that acknowledges the love, gentleness, strength and power of my God. 

My God is
Elohim, my Creator (Genesis 17:7, 8),
he's Jehovah Shammah, The Lord is There (Ezekial 48:35),

Adonai – My Great Lord/My Master – 2 Samuel 7:18-20

El Elyon – Most High God – Genesis 14:20

Yahweh – The Lord I AM – Exodus 3:13-15

Jehovah Rohi – The Lord Is My Shepherd – Psalm 23:1

Jehovah Mekaddishkem – The Lord Who Sanctifies You – Leviticus 20:7-8

Jehovah Tsidkenu – The Lord is Our Righteousness – Jeremiah 23:6

El-Roi – The God Who Sees Me – Genesis 16:7-16

Jehovah Nissi – The Lord Is My Banner – Exodus 17:8-15

El Shaddai – All Sufficient One – Genesis 49:22-26

Jehovah Jireh – The Lord Will Provide – Genesis 22:9-14

Jehovah Rapha – The Lord Who Heals – Exodus 15: 22-26

Jehovah Shalom – The Lord Is Peace – Judges 6:16-24

Jehovah Sabaoth – The Lord of Hosts  - I Samuel 1:3

El-Olam – The Everlasting God – Genesis 21:33

Christ – The Anointed One – Matthew 16:16

Love – God is Love – I John 4:8

Abba – Our Father – Romans 8:15-17

I sat there and confessed where I had strayed and in the next week, God called me to live out what I had confessed. 

Days before the retreat I was to lead, my daughter started to develop symptoms to a virus that would keep any of us from attending.  That wasn't an option.  I began to panic and then I remembered the Names of God.  In that list is God my provider and God my healer.  I took this to him and asked others to pray. 

My mom, as wonderful as she is, spoke words that grabbed me.  She said, "Carrie, God cares more about your daughter and those teens, than you do! He will take care of it." 

I stood in that truth and saw my God work.  My daughter was healed and is fine.  More importantly, I was healed of the anxiety that was plaguing my heart.  Sitting in that truth and resting in all that my God is, I was able to relax.  I knew God had it all worked out the way He wanted and needed it to go, regardless of what happened with my little girl. 

Where have you let life become bigger than God?  Where do you need to rest in God and see him be the BIG, AMAZING God HE IS?!

Maybe you don't know God.  Do you need a Savior?  God is there.  If you are reading this, and like me, you have let God become small, NOW IS THE TIME, to see the BIG GOD you serve.  If you don't have a God but need him, he is also there.  I am here, if you have questions or want to know more, let me know.  God bless you.  Happy Wednesday!!!