Friday, July 10, 2009

Emotional Box

Sometimes I wish I could explain to people what goes on inside the shell commonly known as Carrie. There is this whole other world inside my physical being. Its filled with emotions, undescribable that exhibit behaviors, unexplainable. Tonight after seeing, My Sister's Keeper (which I cried continuously through), I started crying. The plot had left, but the emotions remained carrying a personality of its own. My husband looks at me in bewilderment unable to comprehend what is happening or what I am even crying about.

Life makes me laugh and life makes me cry. Those two things are true. While I hate the emotional rollercoaster that is my life, I completely love that my heart is open to things most people desperately try to shut out. I allow the hurts of the world to visit my heart and stay for a visit. I allow people into places of my being that even I can't comprehend. Even though at times it tries to destroy me, I love it! I love the connection with the heart of people and humanity. I love being able to see past all the junk that I encounter daily - to see past the attitudes, addictions and caustic demeanors to see the essence of being stripped of all its embellishments.

So what is it? What is the shape of the emotional playground that lives inside of me? The answer is something that only emotion itself can answer. Its something I've passed on to a friend in heart speak and no other language can translate. As I left the theatre tonight I saw a poster for a movie coming soon. The movie is a children's book I read often. I loved the book and still have it in my livingroom on the bookcase. I got in the car and called my mom, sleeping three timezones ahead of me, to tell her the news that couldn't wait til tomorrow. As I told her I cried. My heart went back and took a trip through the time and life of Carrie Messinger, now Guy. It brought back with it a flood of tears. So here I am writing them down and sharing them with you. Even though tears are currently hitting my chest as they run off my nose, I am not sad. Hard to believe, but true.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Regret Trusts Women

In one of our recent podcasts with Life Report (, we discussed an article called, "Trusting Women" on - you can read the article here and listen to that episode here. I made some comments on the podcast, but was filled with so many thoughts I found it difficult to relay them all in that moment. During the podcast, I had mentioned writing a blog in response, and decided to do so. Reading the article again, I do now believe the author is sincere in her reflections, but I do not come to the same conclusions.

Yes, at first glance holding a sign on a street corner that reads, "I Regret My Abortion" is a highly personal statement to share with the public at large. So the question to answer is, "why would she put herself out there like that?" The author states that, "in no other area of our lives are women so freely permitted or expected or encouraged to express regret, much less put it on display in the public forum." It may be the only venue women are focusing on regret, but not the only area where women are being so emotionally exposed to the general public. Follow a walk for domestic violence or a breast cancer walk and you will see passionate women speaking up about the life experiences that have dramatically affected their lives.

There is no sign that can state regret for getting breast cancer because they had no choice in the matter, but they want the facts to get out of prevention and support. Women in violence may regret partner choices even if it’s not written on a sign, and their purpose of getting out there is to let others know this is not a road to go down. The message for all three groups of women are the same. They are all in some way saying, "This is something to avoid." The women having experienced domestic violence is a much better parallel than the woman standing at a McDonald's regretting her daily calorie overdose. Overdoing it in a fast-food restaurant is a much less life-impacting choice than the choice of abortion. This is where the author of this article and I begin to part ways.

I trust women to make good choices, but I also recognize with all the messages that we encounter in our daily lives we are set up for a possible misstep in the life we desire for ourselves. I wish we lived in a world where pro-choice agencies were doing all they could to ensure women were making the right choices and keep women being forced into abortions, but countless examples, studies, and stories would show that this is not the case. Otherwise, reporters like Lila Rose, wouldn't be successful in exposing the statutory rape cover-up that is happening in numerous cases across our nation.

As a post-abortive woman I do not trust any agency offering abortions to get me all the information I need in making a choice I could live with. My personal experience has shown me this, as well as the experience of most women I have encountered, these are women not brave enough to expose their regret, only able to tell me for the first time hoping I would understand their pain from their dark secret. If women were being exposed to the truth of what abortion can do to someone after the initial flash of relief, then I would not need to hold a sign or wear a shirt that identifies my past abortion, but women aren't going to get all the information, so the burden of truth lies on me and others in the trenches.

Bottom line: I trust women to make a good choice once they have all the information to do so, but I don't trust they are getting all the information they need unless those of us who have been there can share our experiences