Often when I begin to write from my life in this blog, I find myself faced with this same feeling - inadequacy.
God told me a long time ago, that for me to be used in the places of my life to help others, I had to be a human sacrifice. I had to put myself out there in an effort to give others permission to do the same. Exposing myself is hard, especially on days like today, when I already feel vulnerable.
I know I must share what is behind the curtain instead of giving advice as an expert who has it all together. I am not a broken women, but I am a real human being who has gotten a few bruises and scrapes as I’ve walked through the years. I have seen victory and joy as I’ve conquered obstacles in front of me, but I am still in process. I am still working through the junk that I face and as I gain the skills to be a healthy individual, I not only have to apply it to my life today, but also to the skeletons in my closet. Those things have got to go!
When I shared my iceberg awareness a few weeks ago, I didn’t yet know what that was. Since that post, I have started to watch it take shape as I move through the emotions that battle within me. The iceberg is in fact, the broken child inside of me. She is begging to be heard and even though it scares me to listen. I have chosen to give her my attention. “Getting Noticed” by Lindsay Teague Moreno alerted me to a researcher, storyteller and author - Brené Brown and her book, “Rising Strong.” Reading this book has given validation to a lot of the emotions and realities I have been processing lately.
Her encouragement to get curious about your emotion has allowed me to delve into the dark of this place I have avoided for 30 plus years. I now know why certain upcoming change in my life has evoked such powerful emotion. The emotion doesn’t match the situation because my broken child is screaming at me with wounds from the past. Im now swimming in the deep end and examining all the questions and lies that she is screaming -
“You aren’t good enough”
“If you don’t make everyone happy, you won’t be loved.”
“You aren’t worth being loved.”
“You will never overcome this.”
“What could you possibly offer anyone else.”
“You will never be good enough”
There is this fear that if I go there, I will get stuck in these emotions and even though my head knows the truth, the feelings will never go away. What’s frustrating is often when I share these emotions with others I get blank stares in response as if no one else understands these deficits. I get pity as if “poor Carrie is just so damaged.” But in “Rising Strong” and in her TED talks, Brené shares that that list of lies that my emotions run too when I am hurt, are the core emotions felt by most people. Not only am I not alone, I am in the majority. So why are so few people talking about it? Why does my voice seem to be calling out to the crickets?
Either people aren’t even aware of their inner voice and the connection their ignored pain has with their failures in life or they are shoving it down hoping it will go away, afraid to even give validation to the common ground we share.
I have realized that many of my unfulfilled dreams have been a result of my inability to jump out into the unknown because of the paralyzing fear of the lies above. Well, enough of that! The time has come to face the giant within and take it down. God has not given me a spirit of fear (2 Timothy 1:17) and as I come against the lies I have allowed my emotions to echo, the truth will set them free (John 8:32).
So now its your turn. Can you begin to get curious about your emotion? Do you need to awaken them? Can you begin that process? Healing is something God has offered all of us. His love is bigger than our greatest pain. He will not fail you. Can you take a step in that direction? Comment below or message me via Facebook or Instagram and let me know your story. I'd love to hear it!