My Life with Teenagers

Teenagers often get a bad wrap.  They are frequently described as all attitude and hard to handle, disobeying, disrespecting and dismantling their parents at every turn.

Yes, the teen years are challenging both for the teen and the parent, but teenagers are amazing people in process, who are full of possibilities and open to life.

It has been my honor for a good part of my adult life to work with junior high and high school students.  My journey with this unique population started in my junior year of college.  I worked as a volunteer with the youth group at the church I attended during my semester abroad in London.

One favorite memory was a sleepover my friend, Kristin, and I hosted at one of the girl's homes. We painted nails and hung out making snacks in the kitchen, and we also shared our experiences through timelines of our life. We even managed to learn a bit about God over the course of the evening.

I loved it! Maybe that was when working with teens became a part of me, I just didn't know it yet.

I came back to the states and my senior year intern experience for my sign language minor involved planning an event with Imagination Celebration, an arts festival for the local deaf students.  
This arts festival included deaf dancers from Gallaudet University and around the world. It was an amazing experience and I was so honored to be involved and to see the faces of the students who attended.

My senior year I had no idea what I was going to do after graduation.  It was daunting to see the end of college approaching without any idea what was in store. But then I was contacted by Julie Wood from Doulos Ministries, who said I had signed up for more information about their ministry my Freshman year (a memory I still don't recall to this day).  

Doulos Ministries offers post-college aged adults a one-year discipleship program that not only teaches about the Bible and provides ministry training, but works as the care staff for Shelterwood their residential care facility for troubled teens (now its called a therapeutic boarding school). This year also came with training from the staff counselors.  I applied and was accepted and began to work on raising support.

After graduation I returned to Visalia, Ca, the town my dad and stepmom relocated to after my dad's retirement from the Army.  He decided to trade his role as a Military Chaplain for the lead Pastor of a church.   While I was home for the summer I worked alongside the youth pastor as the assistant.  I enjoyed building relationships with the kids and teens of the church over the summer, then headed to Colorado for the next adventure. 

The year at Shelterwood was wonderful but hard, I packed my bags a couple of times in that year completely done with the experience, but I made a commitment, so I stayed.  I tell people I'd never take it out of my life, but I'd also never do it again.  

I forged friendships in that year that have been amazing blessings over the years.  I also learned a ton! Working with teenagers facing hard stuff changed me and how I looked at life, how I viewed my Bible and how I faced the world, and I was better because of it.  As the year wrapped up, I thought my time with teenagers was over.

I got a call from my dad asking if I wanted to come be the youth pastor at his church, after the one I'd worked with had to be let go.  I really wanted to stay in Colorado but had a hard time getting a full-time job.  I told my dad if I didn't get a job I applied for at my church, I would consider going.  I didn't get the job,but I still wasn't sure.  One night I decided to stay in Colorado, and before calling my dad, I called my mom in Ohio.  She wisely told me to sleep on it.  I woke up the next morning and knew I needed to go, despite my resistance to do so.

February 1, 2003 I drove out with my dad in his van behind me and moved myself and all my belongings to Visalia.  It started out as a very part-time position that came with free housing in my parents' guest house.  I told myself this was temporary.  

My hours grew and so did my years there.  Before I knew it I had been there 15 years.   It was crazy to see adults around town who I knew as a teenager.  The silly moments, the tearful exchanges, the relationships and spiritual growth were all part of this career I accidentally built.  

Shortly after my 15 year marker, my dad announced he was retiring.  He and my stepmom were moving to Texas to live near some friends and I was faced with the reality of being without my family in my work and in my town.

In this 15 years, I had gotten married, helped raised my husband's two girls and birthed two kids of my own.  I have my own family but it is different.  What was really weird was,  I was going to stay at the church.  That church of my dad's I had temporarily come to help.  A new pastor stepped into my dad's spot and things started to change.  

I saw 16 years come and go, but just after that, our children's pastor stepped down from her job, and the offer to do both children and youth full-time was offered to me.  I didn't want full-time and I also knew I couldn't be a youth pastor forever.  Some of the aspects of the job were proving hard with kids of my own.  

So plans were made to hire someone and shift me into an Associate Pastor role working primarily with women.   It seemed like natural transition as many of the teens I'd loved over the years, came back to me seeking guidance as adults.  It was like my past created a new position for me.

I knew it was time for a change and I am happy with my new role, but I have to say I miss teenagers.  My husband says I will never stop being a youth pastor because being there for teens is just part of me.  I'm sure he's right, and as I reflect over the journey, I wouldn't have it any other way.

Thank you to every teenager who crossed my path and just know I am always here for you from the youth group kids still in high school, to the ones in their 30's who I knew when it all started.  Teenagers are a blessing, something more people should appreciate! Happy Wednesday!

Don't Should On Me

"Should" is a powerful word.  When one says, they "should" have done something, it is laced with regret, and when someone else says you "should" have, its often a form of judgement, leading to guilt.

When I was a girl, my mom was a part of a counseling program, that I got to participate in on occasion.  Several of the lessons that I learned in those sessions, have stayed with me through the years.  It was in one of those groups that I first came to understand the concept of triangulation, a term that helped me look for land mines in relationships later in life.

A mantra that birthed through those groups and became known to my own family was, "Don't Should On Me," as a reminder not to add judgement or regret to our lives. 

How many times a day do we "should" on ourselves?  Adding that kind of pressure whether its being said or the concept is taking over our thought life, is not healthy.  

Living in regrets and judgments doesn't boost our self-esteem, it doesn't boost performance, and it doesn't send our lives into a positive trajectory.  Honestly, it does the opposite. 

Yes, we all need to strive to be the best us possible, but in that aim, there is no room for perfection.  That process includes failure, something we can celebrate, because it means we are trying.  We aim up, with the knowledge that there is training and bumps along the way. 

American culture doesn't often leave room for hard work and the time it takes to meet goals.  We want it now and if it takes too long, we will find the short cut, but that isn't a benefit to us as humans. 

In 1953 Sir Edmund Hillary and Sherpa Tenzing Norgay succeeded in climbing Mount Everest.  Even with the increase in success in recent years, of the 7.7 billion people on earth, only 800 attempt the task each year.  Out of all of those people (I used a calculator its 52,800 people) only 4,000 have succeeded as Hillary and Norgay in the years since.  Again with the aid of a calculator, I figure that means 48,800 of the people who attempted, failed - that is 92.4% of people failed.  

Those aren't good odds, that doesn't include the fact that its expensive, its time consuming, and its hard work.  So why do it? The experience, even failing, I'd imagine for those who attempt, is an amazing journey.  They learn about themselves, they challenge themselves and they become better people.  Its an endurance, long game experience.    

Life, like climbing Mount Everest, is a long game and we all need to pace ourselves, give some grace and continue along the way.  We march on learning and growing without the confines of a word like "should" because its worth it in the end.  

So give up the fake expectations and the distorted mirrors you've picked up along the way and be you.  Fight not only for the best version of you possible, but fight for the journey too! The Bible is full of commands but there is a reason love is number one.  

Jesus wants a relationship with us, where we are.  He wants to walk with us in the journey and guide us in the way we should go.  He loves us.  I think we'd all be better to take a page from his playbook and love ourselves a little more with patience and grace.  Stop the "should" fest and get up and go each day from where you are.   

God Knows

Surrender is a crazy decision, at least it feels that way, but often its the most amazing step in life we can make.  Obviously, the key to surrender is who you are surrendering too.

I made the decision in two parts to follow Jesus.

Once as a four-year-old enrolled in a Christian preschool.  The teacher told us about Jesus and I still remember that day, thirty-six years later.  The letter of the day was I - for Itchy Ivy.  I also remember going home and telling my mom about making the decision to accept Jesus in my heart.

The second part of that decision was my freshman year of college, when I decided to surrender completely.

The years in between were filled with both learning about Christianity both from a "know your religion" perspective and testing the validity of the historical claims.  It was also filled with relational encounters with God and a lot of bumps in life's road.  The bumps led to some distrust in the God who controlled my life.

It wasn't until a basement experience of crying and journaling that I understood the whole story.   I had misinformation about God in the midst of rough road and my earlier conclusion of distrust was unfounded, though understandable.

I'm pretty sure I just condensed an hour conversation into two paragraphs so if you want to know more about what I mean, feel free to ask.

The thing is, that distrust nature lingers often when I get overwhelmed, stressed or fearful and I can try once again to do it on my own.  This week things didn't go as planned in a few ways and as what I planned changed, I once again saw, God knows.  When I make the plans then turn them into him, and let him do, I find things usually work out when its all said and done.  I'm not talking fairy tale here, we all know life is hard, but what I mean is that God sees the curve balls I don't so often when things change from what I thought I could handle, its because God was preparing me for a curve ball he knew was headed my way.

The friend that cancelled plans, left room for me to process or take care of a need that landed in my lap.  The event I was going too that now couldn't work, would have been too much with life that just happened.  That weekly sports team I felt I shouldn't sign my kid up for this season, proved wisdom in God's leading when random life unraveled and I needed down time to recover.  Or sometimes it works in the positive, as in that conference that my friends had a last-minute open spot to, was just the encouragement I needed.

God knows.

He has the proper perspective: he is both with us and above us.  God is everywhere at all times.  He is not bound my time or distance.  He is with us in the moments and that gives us his protection as well as the shared experience of deeper connection.  He can also see the past, present and future, so looking to him gives us the best shot at moving forward and making choices in life.

Its also freeing.  Its great to sit back and just take it as it comes then to feel frantic in the midst of every turn in life.  This week, I realized, its once again time to surrender.  I have been taking the reigns of life and trying to control what I have no control over. The stress of that unresolved conflict has taken its toll and its time.  Time to let go.

What about you?  Where are you in all of this?  Is it time to trust?  Is it time to surrender?  Maybe you aren't sure about Jesus as more than just some story you've heard about, much less a leader you can trust in life.  If that is you, reach out, I'd love to help you tackle those questions and point you to the resources that have answered my skepticism over the years.  Today is a new day and maybe its time for some new ways in your life.  Happy Wednesday!

Unrequited Gratitude

Its no secret, I am one sentimental gal!!!  I'm also pretty silly so I stay balanced.  When I left Doulos Ministries in 2002, my parting gifts were a giggle and rock because of my infamous laugh and a box of tissues because I am ALWAYS CRYING! Its true, I cry a lot.  I'm not sad all the time, I cry in times of joy or just when my heart is so full it just can't take it.  I'm this way because I am a feeler.  To be more specific I'm an ENFJ on the Meyers Briggs test, a Sanguine/Choleric in the four temperaments test and a Helper on the Enneagram test.  Just in case you wondered.

I get that not everyone is like me, but I know I'm not alone - some of you are feelers like myself.  That is why last week when I talked about saying goodbye, its a big deal to me.  Moving a lot hasn't helped me, I just feel tied to a lot of people in a lot of places.

So why am I telling you all this?

Because all those people in all those places mean something to me.  I was posting a photo of a friend early today, as we had our last get together before she and her family moved.  I was all of a sudden taken down years of memories with them person.  Then I was overcome by overwhelming emotion.  I felt this gratitude for what she had added to my journey.  She had been a sounding board, a confidant - a friend!

Tonight on the other side of the country, people gather to say "thank-you" to a pastor and his wife after they retire following 38 years of ministry at their local church - a church, I grew up in.  This pastor was also a part of my journey.  I can remember sitting in his office in 5th (ish) grade as he counseled me through some very difficult times.

When I look at all the people over the years who have deposited amazingness into my life its wonderfully mind-boggling! Every little drop of love has filled my heart with joy!

Yes, there have been people who have hurt me, and brought pain into my life.  Yes, I have had to work hard, pray hard and lean way into God to get past it all, but despite all that, the kindness, sacrifice and love I've been shown far surpasses the pain!

What about you?  Can you think of all the people who have encouraged you, supported you and just plain been there for you over the years?  Maybe its time to tell people what they mean to you.  I think its high time I do!  In the state of the world where suicide is rising at alarming rates, as seen this past week with Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain leaving this world as a result of suicide, I am reminded to share the love.  I am reminded to stay in community and be proactive in my relationships.  I don't want to let the opportunity to let people know their impact, pass by unrequited.

God made me with a purpose, but he used a lot of people to shape me into the woman I am today.  You never know how someone's otherwise everyday actions can have lasting impressions in your soul, until that one comment stays with you forever.

I have had a few people message me or text me letting me know something I wrote on here encouraged them, and that actually means something to me, because I can begin to question whether or not I should keep writing each week, so thank you!!!

Let's start talking about what matters and let people know how much you appreciate their part in your life.  Don't be surprised if you hear from me, though it may take some time because I have a lot of people to thank!!!

Finding Your Tribe

There is something amazing when you can look back over the past few months and see God working in your life.  Have you ever experienced that?  You know, like when you have 3 conversations with people in completely different circles and they all say the same thing!  When I was in junior high I had two people in two different countries share with me the exact same scripture.  I remember thinking - I better pay attention to this!

October of last year, I attended the Organic Outreach Conference in Monterey, CA.  It was amazing and if you want to know more about it, go check out their website. 

I can tell you, I took copious notes at the conference.  I am a note taker, not just from the speakers but all the ideas their thoughts spark in my own brain.  Generating ideas is kind of my jam - following through on all the ideas, is not!  Pretty sure if I had both skills mastered, I'd be a millionaire by now. 

Anyway,  one of the many people I found quotable, was a man named Mike Brock.  He shared a sentence as a side note toward the end of a breakout session that resonated with me. 

While I don't have a direct quote, what he said went something like this:

We need to reconcile our pretentious nature, when we think "God told me...", and recognize if he told you, he told thousands of other people.  Instead of standing up and saying, "God said.." find those others God spoke to and partner with them.

I have loved the journey that those words sent me on.  I didn't start out seeking a tribe of like-minded visionaries, but it definitely opened me up to the lessons I was learning.  I've already talked about the Brené Brown quote that Lindsey Teague Moreno referenced in her book, "Getting Noticed."  I was floored when I discovered this woman (much smarter than me) with the same passion.  I started off in college looking at Social Work as a major, but quickly realized my overly sensitive heart would get swallowed alive in that field, and chose Communications instead.

I love people and discovering how they tick.  My own path as created a desire to see people find their voice and walk in freedom from the pain of their past.  This woman in her talks on shame, vulnerability, emotions and daring to live bravely as we rise strong after falling, was in sync with my mantras and personal journey. 

I'm obviously not joining Brené in her research or tagging along for her speaking engagements, but seeing that common thread being spoken from someone of her caliber has given me cause to celebrate.  Its inspired me to keep moving forward because I'm not alone.  I don't need to be any of the women who have inspired me over the last few months (and that list is growing exponentially), but I've been empowered by their stories and themes to be myself.

Its easy to feel alone and while a surge of pride can be appealing when you feel God has spoken to you, that pretentious nature doesn't foster community or even promote confidence, because if we seek to be the lone wolf in the fight for our cause we will in fact be, alone.  Who wants that life?  Okay so I realize that appeals to some people, but I am not one of them.  I want my alone time but I have no desire to be isolated in this world.  Hearing that Brené's research has revealed most people struggle with the same insecurities I have, is freeing.  As she says (and I paraphrase), we may be crazy, but no more than the next person.

I need to keep going and fighting because others need me, not because I am some superwoman. Its my responsibility to speak from my life as an encouragement to others and protect that connection with my tribe - those of you being real and putting yourself out there for the benefit of others.  Why else are we here?!  I'm glad I paid attention to what God was trying to speak into my life.

Do you need that encouragement to fight on and be you? Is God trying to get your attention?  Do you need to find those with the same voice and change the world together?   Your voice is louder when its focused and joining the song of others with same song.  Look for God's guidance, go forth and make a difference through the power of connection and numbers.

Health Findings - Part 2

If you are just tuning in, I am on a search for better health. I am struggling with a weak immune system. You can read more in my earlier posts. Here are some of the latest ideas I've stumbled across.

1. Detox your body in an apple cidar vinegar bath (there seems to be some debate as to whether or not one can use filtered - it is cheaper). Use 30 ounces of vinegar in your bath and sit in it for 30 minutes. It draws the toxins out and even aids in the look of your hair.

2. Eating a Rainbow of Colors in you fruits and veggies. Here's a few examples of foods from each color, for summary of benefits, check out the Bragg website, this article at Whole Living, or do a google search.

Remember your rainbow colors (ROY G BIV)

Red: Cranberries, goji berries, red cabbage, red peppers (all varieties), tomatoes, red apples, raspberries, strawberries, red cherries, red grapefruits, red grapes, pomegranate, watermelon, kidney beans.

Orange: Oranges, tangerines, turmeric, sweet potatoes, carrots, pumpkin, peaches, apricots, winter squash, cantaloupe, papaya

Yellow: Yellow snap beans, corn, walnuts, peanuts, chickpeas (garbanzo beans), pineapple, yellow bell pepper, golden zucchini, butternut squash, bananas, golden apples, grapefruit, lemons, papayas, Jerusalem artichokes, soybeans, sesame seeds

Green: Artichokes, asparagus, green snap beans, Italian green beans, lima beans, broccoli, Brussels sprouts, cabbage, celery, cucumbers, fennel, turnip greens, collards, kale, dandelion greens, mustard greens, lettuce (the darker, the better), leeks, okra, green bell peppers, spinach, chives, zucchini, green apples, avocados, green grapes, kiwi, limes, pears, mung beans, wheat grass

Blue: Blueberries, blackberries, dark grapes, currants, black beans

Indigo: same as violet

Violet: Acai berries, purple wax beans, beets, purple broccoli, red cabbage, Chinese purple eggplant, purple kale, turnips, ruby seedless grapes, plums, prunes, passion fruit, purple artichoke


Tuck this list in your purse or keep it in your car and make sure get something from each color when you are at the store or farmers market. Eating a variety seems to be the key in getting all your nutrients. Vitamins are good, but your only getting the best nutrients from foods. Stay healthy.

Health Findings - Part 1

Today I wanted to cry pushing my cart through the grocery store as familiar packages looked at me from the shelves and I walked on by, not putting them in my cart. It was almost as if they were calling my name, but I had to say no. No, I'm not dieting, but I need to make a change in my diet. This realization has brought to light the reality that I am addicted to food. I love it. Yes, there is nothing wrong with loving food, but I love food that is bad for you.
Recently, I have experienced some health issues and my immune system doesnt seem to have what it takes to recover, and so that has sent me on a search of what I can do beyond get on yet another antibiotic.
I've decided to record my journey here and allow others to benefit from my research and trial and error. You may not agree with all that I decide to do, but gather what you can and let the rest go. Are you ready? Here we go.

1. A friend, Cecelia Mainord, recommended adding Bragg's Apple Cider Vinegar to my life. I've imbibed the water and apple cider cocktail, but apparently the key is getting raw, unfiltered apple cider vinegar. Bragg's just happens to be what our stores carry. So now I drink Bragg's in my water three times a day. One of my struggles is sinuses, and raw apple cider vinegar helps thin the mucus. If you want to check out the other benefits, check out the Bragg's website.

2. Reinstate regular (twice a day) the use of the netipot. I am using a baking soda and Kosher salt mix in the pot to flush out my sinus cavities. Its not so fabulous to do but it does help me from getting overly congested and cleans me out. After suggested by my friend, Jen Rachal, I now use it in the morning in the shower; its a bit easier that way. If you don't know what a netipot is, it looks like a genie bottle, and you mix water and the mix listed above inside and then breathe through your mouth and pour the water into one nostril and let it flow out the other. Fun huh?! (Sarcasm)

3. Did you know that excessive dairy consumption can cause chronic sinus infections? Well I am the dairy queen. I love cheese, yogurt, sour cream, cream cheese, butter, milk, ice cream...you get the picture. So apparently I will need to cut my dairy consumption (more on that later).

4. Due to being on antibiotics and nursing my son, I have gotten thrush, which results in overproduction of yeast. So that begs the question, how to get rid of the yeast? There are homeopathic and medical ways to resolve the problem. I am trying a bit of both. I've heard some disagreements on diet. Yeast feeds on sugar, so some have said cut my sugar and carb consumption so the yeast will go away, but others have said not to, because then once I reinstate my old eating habits, the resurgence of sugar will cause the yeast to come back.

I am taking Acidophilus and L-Lysine and have gotten Infant Probiotics for my son. I am also taking the Diflucan pill as prescribed by my doctor as well as a Nystatin Cream. I am cutting my processed sugar intake, but still eating limited fruits and carbs.

That is all for now, but I have had two enlightening conversations with two good friends that have shared what works for them and their solutions are drastically different. Stay tuned for those conversations in my next entry.

Walking It Out

The past few weeks have been exceedingly hard on me. I desire to share my struggles and the journey I take through life with others who may be facing challenges but often find it difficult to share the process without giving out all the details - details that often include others. I want to respect everyone in my life as I walk out the steps that lay before me. That is a difficult balance to attain. So here I am just saying life is hard.

A little over a week ago my mom was hit by a car - not in a vehicular accident, but she was walking and was struck by an SUV. She lives on the other side of the country so to be so far away, I found this news debilitating. Later that day I received news that left my heart feeling like it had also been hit by a car. I felt frozen in a state of semi-consciousness. Two days later my husband left for Kenya for two weeks, and now I was on double duty in life with some extra work responsibilities, two kids on my own and an emotional state that rendered me helpless. How does one proceed? The days the followed brought more bomb shells and emotional instability with more information that rocked me to my core.

I had to find the strength just to do life - take out the trash, go to work, cook meals, do laundry, change diapers, give baths, etc. I would find myself break down without warning in at times very inconvenient moments. I was broken, heck, I am broken. You see I just completed week one and now face week two. The trials don't go away when my husband returns, but bring a new aspect of the journey, but all I can see now is making it first to that two week "mile" marker. Then I will re-evaluate and see what lies ahead.

When I think about where I was and where I am, I know what has gotten me through it thus far has been a great group of girlfriends and family and my relationship with God. I have been a Christian since I was a little girl, but my journey with Jesus has had its own struggles along the way. The difference this time is that I never questioned him, I just leaned into him. When my heart feels like an crater that was just blasted open by some celestial phenomenon I cry out, "God fill it" before I have a chance to try to fill it with something that won't do the job or heal the wound. I often preach at the church I youth pastor and I find I must live out the words I preach. I have to mind my words, speak with faith and trust that God will do the job. When I find myself trying to take control of the situation, I must let go, and read the Bible for grounding words.

I don't know what lays ahead of me but I am encouraged by Isaiah 50:10-11 that tells me when life is dark, I can trust God and follow his voice because if I don't, I will "lie down in a place of pain." When I feel the need to go defend myself, I stand by Exodus 14:14 that tells me the Lord will fight for me, all I must do is BE STILL. I have to surround myself with voices of truth and encouragement so that when lies hit me in the face, I know to wipe it off and move on.

The truth is I have good days and days when getting dressed is a major challenge. I am working on feeling my emotions and owning them but not reacting out of them. That is hard. I request your prayers as I walk out this scary time in life, and ask that if you need prayer that you send a request my way, so that I may pray for you. Let's walk together.