The Last 10 Years

I don’t know about you, but I love the Holderness family. Their videos are so funny and right on point with life.  Their humor gives me the laugh I need as a pick me up for my day.

Their video released just before Christmas (which I can't find now, so if you find it, let me know) was about the ten year review from 2010 to 2020. As I watched their video I began to cry not just because of the progression of their family but because when I thought about what that 10 years meant for me I realized how much reality had changed, transformed really.

January 2010 I was a woman living a reality different than where I stand today.  Kevin and I got married in 2005 and I stepped right into the step-mom role.  I love those bonus daughters of mine (though it wasn't even close to easy in those first few years), but I desperately wanted my own kids.  We tried but I was the woman who had been waiting 5 years to have a baby. I had been calling out to God wondering if I would ever have children on my own.  It was a dream I had no control over and was left with a decision to trust God and promise to love him even if I never had children of my own.

But here I stand 10 years out with two beautiful babies of my own. My son is almost 9 and my daughter is almost 5 and I couldn’t be happier with the role of mom, and having gone through such a hard time and having the children in the first place makes motherhood all the more precious.  I see the hand of God not only in the timing, but in how he has changed my heart in the motherhood process.  I can tell you while life isn't always perfect, I am truly happy! I have joy with my family in the midst of bad days and that joy prevails because it comes in contentment and gratitude to God.

Life is funny, we hit hard times and we move past them.  We are changed for going through them, but when you look back on life, sometimes you can begin to ask yourself, "Did that even happen?"  Of course it did, but the events of my life seem like these stories that are part of me and some are horrors and some utter delights and yet they aren't my reality, today.  Sometimes I feel like I've already lived several lives.

I can’t even imagine what the next ten years will hold, except in 10 years from now I will be the mother of a high school senior and an eighth grader and that is completely crazy to me. I’ll also be 51 so let’s not talk about that!

Let's end by talking about you, not me.  Where are you?  Have you come out of something horrible or are you in the midst of something you'd rather be done with?  Remember time is slow in the moments but fast in the years.  How can you bring more joy into the next 10 years?  Surrender what you can't control and be proactive where you do have choices.  Don't let life pass you by.

This year I want to be more proactive in writing my story and publishing a book (a first of many, if you know me, you know I have all the words).  What about you?  Tell me.  Tell me your journey, tell me your goals, I'm listening!  Also, Happy New Year!!!

Mom Love

This post will be short and sweet and it’s dedicated to all my mom friends out there.

Today, like every other alternate Wednesday morning, I gathered with a group of moms to pray.  Its a great time to share our life with each other not for the purpose of gripping or gossip but for the purpose of coming together and sharing our lives, then praying for each other.

There are some of us that come each time we meet, and sometimes there are new faces at the table.  Regardless of who is sitting by me, openly sharing, I often hear the same messages (myself included).  These messages echo the following sentiment:

I'm screwing my kids up

I'm not enough

I'm a bad mom or a bad wife


You get the picture.  I don't think that thought life is only within the women I encounter.  I think many moms (and people) out there live with a replay reel that is similar to the messages above.  Truthly, those sentences JUST AREN'T TRUE.

Truth.  Being a wife and mom is hard.  Being in a close relationship with any other person is a challenge, especially under the same roof.  We will mess up - A LOT! Its inevitable, but it doesn't mean we are screwing up our kids, and that what we offer isn't enough to make a dent for the good.  

People will always have an opinion of how we do things, but opinions aren't facts and not everyone's opinion matters.  We have to train ourselves to filter out the messages that don't come from valuable sources.  The people that speak life into your life, those people may actually have something to say, but even with that, YOU get to be you.  NO ONE ELSE ON EARTH can be you.  So fill those shoes with pride.

Seriously, you are doing a great job.  There may be areas where you can hon your skills and refine your motherhood, but go work at it knowing that all humans have work to do.  Don't let those short comings define you - its only a piece of who you are and NO ONE is perfect - no matter what their Instagram might say.

Hug another mom. Pray for her.  Listen to each other over coffee because we really just want to be heard and seen by someone else.  Let's put down our judgemental armor and pick up each other's burdens.  Give some grace to someone today because WE ALL NEED IT! I know I do.  I know that boat I'm in is probably bigger than the Titanic.  Let's not sink, okay?  Let's help each other see those ice bergs and navigate around them.  Let's share some mom love!!!

This is a later post, because well, life got a bit in the way, but Happy Wednesday, or whatever day you read this.

What Do You See?

This week I got back from a week in Arizona.  My friend and I went on a road trip for our 40th! I forgot how much I loved road trips.

As a kid, I did several with my dad and stepmom.  Military life means moving and it also means being in new, unexplored areas.  Road trips are a great way to experience different cultures see the beauty around us.  Let me say, this trip let me meet people from around the world as well as see some amazing sights! I loved having planned parts of our journey and spontaneous moments that let the road take us on a beckoning adventure.

I also had a lot of time to think, particularly about seasons.  I don't mean fall, spring, winter, summer, but instead life seasons.

I commented to my friend as we started our journey that I didn't take full advantage of the freedom I had before husband and kids.  I just didn't realize how remarkable the freedom to make decisions and be spontaneous really was when I was in my early twenties. I had a lot of fun adventures, so I don't feel I wasted that time, but I just didn't appreciate it to the fullest.

Far too often we set our focus on what we don't have, not on what we have.  In those years, I was desiring a husband and family and the uncertainty of that reality felt daunting and often distracted me from the life before me.  In contrast its easy now to see what I had then as I live life with my family.  I miss my ability to think most days and have freedom to just be, but truthfully I am sure one day I would trade my quiet thoughtfulness for the noise of my children.  Again, its easy to get caught up in what's missing.

Recognizing the value of your current season allows you to be present in life.  As my grandma Pat often said, "You can do it all, just not at the same time."  Living in the now is the best way to get all of the blessing out of life.  Now, I love the connection I share with those who live in my home.  I love seeing the joy of life through the eyes of my kids in places that have become everyday for me.  I love hearing my kids giggle and seeing them just be kids.  I love being a mom! Sure I get overwhelmed or frustrated when I'm being disobeyed, and its easy to desire the freedom that was before they were.  If I focus on what I don't have now, I will miss out on my motherhood that I can never get back.  I can also miss out on the friendship with my husband and the way we co-parent our children.

Having a vacation with my friend was an amazing blessing and break from the norm and it allowed me to remember parts of myself that have been dormant.  It also helped me to feel appreciative for my current life season.  Tomorrow it will no longer be an option, so I best enjoy today to the fullest.

What is your reality?

Are you looking at what's missing or what is there?

There are obviously things we can't control.  Sure, you see your friends with jobs able to spend more on stuff for themselves, but they miss out on the classroom time you have.  Sure, single parenthood is a challenge but maybe you get more time to yourself or alone time with your kids.  I'm not saying ignore the negatives in life and just plaster a Pollyanna face on throughout the day to day, but embrace the beauty of whatever your life is TODAY.  Tomorrow will come soon enough and moving forward is the only direction we can truly go, so if we disengage from today, we will lose it forever!

Take some time to think about what you have now?  How can you appreciate it more than you currently do?  Happy contemplating!

The Five Minute Solution

I think I'm a pretty likable person and I know God has gifted me with a good amount of talents, but I am also aware of my faults.  Rising to the top of that list is the fact that I am easily distracted.  While I have the ability to focus, my desire to do a lot, means there is always a ton of stuff floating around my head.  That easily distracted trait has left me with a propensity to run late and often find myself procrastinating. 

Over the years I have discovered some solutions to this issue.  The latest solution proved very profitable so I thought I would share it with you! 

Have you ever made a list of the tasks you had to do, only to get distracted on your phone?  Or maybe you started to do one thing only to be met with five other tasks in the midst of doing the first task? Getting lost in the many lists of life can be easy to do!  However, that to-do list only gets done if you attack it. 

I'd heard about making a list of five, ten & fifteen minute jobs around the house (or even the office) so when you have a free moment you get a chance to knock your list out.  The list is great, because without it, you will end up wasting the free time in figuring out what you should do. 

Last week, my family left for AWANA.  I had an hour and a half to get something done and I knew it would be easy to get lost in Instagram and find myself with five minutes to spare running through my house trying to accomplish something before the garage door opened. 

I decided to make a list of five minute jobs.  It wasn't long before I realized the list included tasks that clearly lasted longer than five minutes.  But I left them on it anyway.  I did stick with the five minutes though and set the timer on my phone.  If I got done with the five minutes and the task wasn't finished, I simply reset the timer and kept on going.  I managed eighteen, five minute, time blocks in the moments before my family returned.  While I may not have gotten eighteen different jobs accomplished, doing this birthed a wonderful result - I got a lot done! 

Dividing an hour and a half into five minute time blocks kept me from getting distracted.  If I got distracted half-way into a task, the five minute timer ensured, I would quickly be awakened back into my task-list reality.  It was amazing!!! 

I encourage you if you are easily distracted or just need to stay motivated to get'er done, that you try this method.  Live a few hours, five minutes at a time and see if your productivity doesn't go up.  If you need to answer a text or email, just give it one five minute slot then power on back to the list. 

I'd love to hear how this worked for you.  So try it and comment or message me your results!  I can't wait to hear what you got done!!

Bonus: Message me with the number of times I said five minute/s in this post (don't forget title and labels) and I will send you some happy mail (so make sure I have your address too)!

Making Friends In Your 30's and 40's

I am outgoing, I love to talk and I crave connection. Making friends was always pretty easy for me when I was younger.    As long as I was in school there was always a ready-made audience of people I could engage in conversation with which to build friendships. 

I have noticed as I've aged, the opportunities to meet people hasn't been as plentiful.  I have found these five things to be helpful in making friends in my 30's (and I'm guessing 40's - even though I don't hit 40 til September so if  I'm wrong, let me know). 

 Not everyone will be your best bud.  If you have 2-3 close friends, know you are heads above the rest.  In 2006, Janet Kornblum wrote an article in USA Today stating that 25% of people don't even have one close friend.  We have a very lonely society and internet dependence isn't helping matters.  I've said it before and I will keep saying it - online interaction should enhance your offline life, not replace it! Okay, now that I got that off my chest – onto the list!

 1.  Be Intentional

 We need relationships - some of us more than others so you have to be intentional!!!  Don't just expect people to come running, you have to initiate conversations and interactions. When my prayer group dissembled, I decided to start up my own.  I didn't just wait for the next opportunity, I went for it.  I invited a dozen friends, only one has met with me regularly and a few others come as they can, but I will tell you, that one and I have become close.   Join groups, talk to that fellow mom at pick up, invite an acquaintance to lunch -  just figure out a way to get in there and put in the effort.  

2. Be Uncomfortable

Put yourself out there and engage people even if its outside your comfort zone, yes its uncomfortable and awkward, but friendships aren't made in comfort zones, goals aren't met there either.  You have to be willing to be rejected and mocked, knowing that the end game is worth the work.  I have so much more to say on this but that is a post all on its own.  

3. Be Open

Understand that you may not always know, by appearances, who is going to be your friend.  Friendship is based on so many factors – many aren’t obvious at first glance.  Being open also means being open to possibilities of why someone isn’t connecting with you.  It’s easy to assume a rejection back story, but they might not be able to leave their safe space as easily.  That's ok.  Assuming someone's motives isn't. 

 4. Be Persistent

 What happens when someone rejects you (for whatever the reason)? You get up and you go again. Starting my own business this past September has taught me to embrace the "no's" and just keep going.  Success doesn't come in the absence of failure and rejection but in the persistence to continue despite it.  This resonates equally in the area of relationships. 
 

5.  Be Genuine

 Be yourself.  To have a deep friendship you need to be you.  I have a funny, loud laugh, I love corny jokes and I cry A LOT! I mean A LOT!  I love expressing emotion and the people that get me, get it.  I know I'm annoying sometimes, but my best friends love me in the midst of it.  It’s not worth the time and energy relationships take to be someone else only to have that friendship fall a part because you weren't doing you.

 So there is it.  If this was helpful – let me know and share with others.  We need more and deeper friendships as a whole in America.  Maybe this isn't a problem for you.  If that is the case, I hope this helped you understand someone who does and maybe you will be will to reciprocate when someone else reaches out to you.  We need each other - don't forget it! Happy Wednesday!

 

When Your Best Isn't Enough

Do you ever feel like your best just isn’t good enough?  

I think most of us can answer, “yes” to that question.  

The truth is -  my best isn’t good enough.  

I can’t do it all.  

I wear a lot of hats and they can get exhausting.  I wasn't made to do all that I do.  

I was created with limitations and needs for things such as rest and relationships, both of which require a pause button from the rat race I run in daily.  

I am both a working mom and a stay-at-home mom.  I live the best and worst of both worlds.  Usually when I am rocking it in one area, I am behind or bombing in another area.  

The feminist movement has given us a lot of freedoms as women, but its also given us some unfair expectations.  We are expected to work and raise a family simultaneously, while looking good in the process!  That is a lot of pressure and as a result, we end up expecting too much out of ourselves subsequently beating ourselves up when we don’t hit the mark.  

My “to-do” list is always full and even if I go strong all day knocking items off the list, I still won’t come close to getting it all done.  Here's two things I hope will help.  

1. God Has A Plan Beyond What We See 

Today, a friend shared with me a few bumps in her road of late, but because of her time in the Bible and in prayer with God, she was prepared to view those setbacks with spiritual eyes.  It gave her the ability to see God in the midst of the issues she had encountered.  Instead of letting that pit her against her Lord, she sat in the lap of Jesus and got on board with his plan.  

2. God Takes Our Mistakes and Makes Miracles

I distinctly recall a moment when I was talking to God about my many issues as a mom.  I felt like the latest test had found me lacking and I was wallowing in self-pity and giving myself a good figurative flogging.  In the midst of my tear-filled verbal purging, I heard God say in my spirit, 

“Carrie, I know you will make mistakes as a mom, but it is in those shortcomings that your kids will get to meet with me and walk it out in our relationship.”  

It blew my mind, to think God had intention for my mistakes.  God had a plan - even for my overloaded mommy explosions.  He planned to use it for his glory as he fulfilled his word in Proverbs 27:17, when he says: 

As iron sharpens iron,

    so one person sharpens another.

We weren’t called to do it all, raise the perfect kids or aim at perfection in life at all.  We were created for relationship with God and others.   We serve a God that is big enough to do it all.  When we surrender our path to him, we can find him in each turn along the road.  We can see him work in spite of our full plate and the dropped balls along the way.  

I find each day that I start with God, I end up accomplishing exactly what I need to - nothing more, nothing less.  It doesn’t all get knocked off the list but the important things do.  

Are you struggling to find that balance between work life and mom life?  Are you drowning in a sea of to-do lists?  Time with God isn’t just about adding something else to your list - its about adjusting your list to be in alignment with his will; knowing that God breaths life into even the most devastating of days.  He’s got this - YOU can trust HIM!

Things that Don’t Work If You Have Small Kids

I see a lot out there that seems like a good idea until I put it up against my life, then it just seems foolish.  Here are a few of my recent favorite things that just don’t work with my young kiddos.

1. KonMari Method of Tidying Up 

    I love Marie Kondo and her books on tidying up.  I’ve read them both and I have found her ideas very insightful.  I’ve been able to get more shirts into a drawer with her folding method, and able to get rid of things I was holding onto for the wrong reasons; but to do her method as laid out in her books, just doesn't work with small children.  

If I have to get everything out at once, there just isn't time to sort before my youngest has grabbed an item or ten or and thrown them about the house.  This proves especially irritating once I’ve gotten a drawer of clothing properly folded and then she ceremoniously dumps the drawer of clothes onto the floor.  There is an hour I’m not getting back!  So for now, the “shove it in the right drawer” method is a must for my own sanity. 

2. Capsule Collection 

I have a hard time deciding what to wear and I do believe having less clothing would alleviate some of those issues but while 36 items that you can mix and match for a variety of outfits sounds magical, it doesn't work for mothers of preschoolers.  What do I wear the second day my entire wardrobe has been demolished by the food spills, dirty hands and miscellaneous messes that dictate at least 5 outfits a day, minimum!  I need a lot of clothes to wear because I have to change A LOT!  Great idea for another stage in life, just not this one.  

3. Items That Aren’t Washable 

My daughter has the Stella Doll.  It is amazing and she loves it.  All the accessories with their magnets make for fun play time, but that doll gets dirty and a cloth wipe down isn't taking away the stains of life.  It's not just her Stella doll either, my son's car seat had cloth fabric that was not removable.  Yeah right! So when your kid throws up you are just supposed to hope you can get it out with a wet rag?  Really?   Our latest carseat is fully washable and all of it comes off and can go into the washing machine.  That is a necessity if you actually plan to put a child in it.   Do the people who make these toys and baby items have children or even met one for that matter? Attention manufacturers: if you are making something for a baby or toddler or child, it must be washable!  Thanks!!!

4. Anything White 

I love a cute white rug in my living room or a nice white dress for a summer outing, but when you put white against kids, kids win every time!! While we are on the subject of white, why are we making so many white clothes for kids?   When will someone start making clothes for actual kids, not just small people.  Heck, where are the disposable clothes?  Sign me up for that mail order club!  

5. A Conversation 

Before my kid days, I got annoyed when I would call a friend and they were constantly interrupted by kiddos.  I just didn't get what was going on on the other side of the phone.  Now it is my reality and I want to yell at the younger version of myself.  If little kids are present, we are not having an in-depth conversation.  It will be constantly interrupted and plan to hear me repeat "What was I saying?" A LOT!!!  If you want me to meet you out for conversation it needs to be without kids or at my house during nap, otherwise: 

1 I’m not having any fun 

2 I didn't hear half of what you said

3 It’s not personal, just not possible

  I have a few other gems I could add to the list, but I will  just give them honorable mention: Dinner out, a movie, paying more for better quality clothing (its gonna get ruined so who cares).  

What would you add to the list?  I’d love to hear it!!! Comment below with your best list addition.  

And The Winner Is...

The other night I was honored to be invited to a 60th Anniversary Celebration.  The couple had three wonderful children, and 8 grandchildren.  The husband was a respected, retired attorney.  As speeches began, many tales were regaled in humor and candor.  But as I listened into the lives they’ve led,  I became attune to an inequitable system in our culture that seems to only focus on public accomplishment.  

As in many cases, the husband is described by his many workforce achievements, volunteer positions and varying expertise.  Its a list that involves paragraphs in the recollection.  In comparison, the wife was then described in truncated verbiage; only taking up mere sentences, with her support role as wife and mom.  Regardless of the details, this scenario could be a similar format for many families I know and love (note: the roles are reversed in some homes).  No one said anything wrong in this tribute, but just like in many Bible stories, the fewer the words, the greater the work.  

I recently posted on Facebook about jokingly setting up a camera to create a time-lapse video of the mundane chores I do repetitively each day.  Tasks like sweeping under the bar stools, picking up toys, or cleaning the kitchen counters have become my life.  It can feel deflating at times as a monotonous stream of routine breaks me down by sheer boredom.  Moms do the behind the scenes, always going jobs.  

These are jobs that need to be done, just like changing diapers, wiping faces or cooking evening meals.  But there is no award ceremony or trophy for these duties.  Moms get no plaque for holding her child’s hair most nights consecutive during a bout with a stomach virus.  No award is given for the sleepless nights caring for a baby or waiting up for the teenager who has stayed out past curfew.  The best meal award is not a real thing and there is no byline for the hours clocked in the front seat of the kid taxi.  Its a unrecordable existence.  

Marriage is a team sport and what the husband does both away and at home are vital parts of the equation, and seems to always get top billing in the retelling of history.  The wife’s role may not always garnish the best wages (though she does in many cases, yet still has most household responsibilities in addition to the long work hours with an employer), but what she does means a great deal.  For “Stay-At-Home” moms, spending the day shaping the future generation is no simple task.  

The other day, I was on a play date with another mom and her kids.  We were discussing the proverbial scenario when our husbands come home from work seeing the house wrecked and no dinner on the table.  The first question often asked is, “What did you do today?”  My mom friend said her simple reply is, “Your kids are alive, you are welcome!”  Motherhood is not an exercise in productivity, but instead it's a relational marathon.  That often means messes and other duties fall by the wayside.  Sure its not magazine ready and wouldn’t make Donna Reed proud, but its real and honest and focuses on the important parts of life.  

Its a hard job and quite frankly can never be accurately depicted in a celebratory recap of 60 years of wedded bliss. Instead its a quiet, steady job that pays dividends in the lives of those who come after us.  

Its legacy life and sure it should come with a better byline, but at the end of the day, its who we are and what we do and I don’t think any mom wouldn't trade it for the world!