Dear Reader

Dear Reader, 

Turning 40 this week, didn’t just start a new year, but a decade!  I took a moment to ponder the 10 years I just finished and realized I owed some gratitude toward my 30’s (I know the real gratitude is for God).   My thirties brought my long awaited kiddos.   I grew more into the woman I am in those ten years and I didn’t want to let those go by without taking a moment to look back with gratitude.  

This birthday was amazing.  I got so much love over the course of three days it was overwhelming.  Sometimes I think we all forget just how loved we are!  Maybe that means we also need to let those around us know we love them, because I think we spend far too much time on the negative than the encouragement.  

The next day switched gears quick! This is my parents’ last week here.  My dad’s last day of work as our pastor and my boss is September 30th.  He and my stepmom then drive down to Los Angeles Monday.  I fortunately get to see them for a few days at Disney before they fly to Israel for the month of October, but its a bit of emotional whiplash if I’m being honest. 

I know I am beyond blessed to still have my parents (all three of them) and Ohio and Texas aren’t as far as heaven, so thank you Jesus for that!  

This week has also had a unique gift in it - my dad and step mom’s birthday gift was a visit from my mom so that she could be here for my birthday and it was great to have all three parents together for my 40th.  

All of this just means that this week is not typical, and quite frankly I am a mess.  Tuesday, I wore make-up then began to work on the farewell slideshow for my parents and lets just say I figured out this is a no-makeup week.  Tears they just keep coming.  My favorite is when they come in public or in front of people I don’t know (I hope you can read sarcasm).  

So this week I don’t have much for you except to say that life happens and we must be present.  I literally have ALL the feels this week.  I may blubber like I’ve just binged watched, “This Is Us,” but I promise I am okay.  I will be okay, I just figure living in the moment means allowing yourself to go there.  

Please be present in your lives no matter what is going on.  Sometimes we get as much from the everyday as we do from the monumentous moments. 

We only get one shot at it! So go big because one day you are going home.  Heaven is my home so for now, I am doing life here and trying to give it my all.  

Happy Wednesday folks!

Carrie 

Facing The Suck

Tonight, I watched the documentary on Fred Rogers, "Won't You Be My Neighbor?" I watched it with a mixed group of teens and residents of a local Senior Living facility.  Yes, that mixed group is an odd couple, but its is one that has bonded over the past few years as we've hung out quite a bit.  Its fun to see opposites generations have fun together, but that is a different topic for a different post.

I finished the movie inspired as I truly feel it is my movie mothership! I was most inspired by Mr. Roger's life work as a response to the areas of hurt in his own childhood.  This is a goal I've attempted to live out as well.  Each of us face challenges in life and it was remarkable to see how those challenges shaped this man's work.

While watching the documentary the title to this blog post, "Facing The Suck," just came at me with an epiphany moment.

Its the suckiest parts of life that often birth the sweetest treasures in life.  Mr. Rogers didn't set out to become famous, he merely understood a need through his own experience and that experienced birth empathy that compelled him to meet a need in children pervasive over the generations.

When I see this in my own life, I see examples of the suck becoming the sweet like in my lack of finances as a child that lead to an amazing ability to problem solve and create something wonderful out of whatever is before me.  I learned to use what I had through those years of lean.  Those moments I was mocked, bullied and at times even tortured, grew an empathy for others and an ability to spot those alienated.

The thing is if we ignore or run from those moments or seasons of suck we miss out on the sweet flip side that can find us later in life.  Its in facing the suck that blessing is found.  Living from your place of suck helps you to embrace reality while not settling for the mess.

Look at the non-profit M.A.D.D. for example.  You know you started it? Moms who lost their babies to drunk drivers.  They could have let that pain destroy them (and I'm sure it did in the beginning), but instead of remaining paralyzed by the pain, it motivated them to stand in the gap for others and do something about the problem of drunk driving.  It doesn't mean the pain goes away.  Grieving a life or pain from childhood isn't wrong, in fact its necessary.  I'm not sure pain from loss ever goes away, but we can choose to let it make us better or bitter.

Local friends lost a child to a blood disease and every year at her birthday, they celebrate by asking folks to donate blood.  That is an excellent example of facing the suck.

Its hard to think the crap storm we are in could be a gold mine but it definitely can be! Fertilizer does grow rich, nutritious produce, after all!  Life crap grows character, passion and purpose.

Our world changes so quickly and yet human emotions pretty much stay the same.  Life is hard and each of us have a choice to make.  We can let life take us down or grow from the our place of suck.

Again, let me state that this is not saying avoid painful emotion and skip grieving because that is a part of the process. We must own our emotions and walk that out, but there comes a time when we can become stuck in a bad place or choose to change the world through our own experiences.

Mr. Rogers is an amazing example and if you haven't see the documentary about him, I highly recommend it.  I also recommend you ask yourself what your own past junk has birthed in you.  Are you following your passions and maximizing your positive impact in the world?  The thing is the darker the world becomes, the further your light can reach.  Now is the time to make a difference! Happy Wednesday!!!

You Can

Recently, I sat across from a woman I've known since before she was a woman.  We met under duress, as she has honestly, been avoiding me.  Her life isn't what it should be right now, and even though we live in the valley, the life before her is a figurative Mt. Everest and she hasn't been training, so to climb it seems impossible!

As I sat across from her and gave her a mix of straight talk, love and boundary-filled support, I realized her overwhelming reality, is something so many understand because life can be overwhelming. Even if our struggles are different the battle always seems to be the same. 

 The biggest battle isn't the challenges we face, its actually the one in our minds.  Our thoughts direct our path and following lies and negative self-talk only leads us down a dangerous path.  

We begin to follow thoughts like:

You've tried so long and haven't done it yet, you never will 

You aren't worth the effort 

You will never do it 

Don't even try 

No one cares if you just quit

Everyone is better off without you

Those thoughts are dangerous roads and they don't lead to anywhere good.

Trust me when I say, if you have a mountain to climb - you can!  You can't wait until you feel you can, because feelings lie! You have to decide what you need and make the plan to get there.  The feelings will come later.  

The reality is, if you are facing a life mountain, you might need some help.  Don't try to do alone what was meant for a team.  Those ideas that you have to do it alone only lead to failure.  Ask for help from trusted sources and let them help you.  

I believe in Jesus.  I have since the day I was 4.  I have come to know that the Bible is full of encouragement for us as we go down the road.  So here are few verses to help you, whether you believe in God or not, as you climb your mountain.

Matthew 19:26 - With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.

I John 4:4 - Greater is He that is in YOU, than He that is in the world. (Paraphrase)

I Thessalonians 5:11 - Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.

Isaiah 40:31 - but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 43:2 -  When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned, the flames will not set you ablaze.

God has got this!  Yes, you do have to do some work and retrain your thoughts and be intentional in all you do, but God will carry you.  In that I am confident!  

Start with the sentence - I can! See the victory in your thoughts and that will lead to victory in life.  If you quit in your thoughts, its already done, just put a fork in it!  So change that mindset, ask God for help, create a plan, lean into friends and start that journey! Don't quit - trust me, it will be worth it in the end!!!

My Bathroom Project

When Kevin and I moved into our current home, we were still newlyweds living with his two girls.  Stephanie, the younger one, was 14 at the time.  She decided to decorate the bathroom in a ducky theme.  

Now, Stephanie is 27, married and expecting her first baby this next February.  I figured it was time to change the bathroom! Let's be real - it was beyond time to change the bathroom!!!  

Katie, my oldest stepdaughter, who is special needs, still lives with us, but she now shares the bathroom with her 7-year-old brother and 3-year-old sister. Because of this mixed group, I wanted a look that wasn't too feminine or masculine but had some fun kid character to it.  

I really wanted to do a bit more than just paint and change pictures on the wall.  I actually wanted a new vanity as the current one is awkward, but there just wasn't money in the budget or time in my schedule to make that happen.  

Truth: I'd been collecting items for the room for about a year, and part of the motivation to do it now was the need for the space those items were taking up.  

My first item was to pick a paint color and I selected black and white.  Next I decided to find some mirrors to replace the original full wall mirrors attached to the walls.  I also grabbed some floating shelves.  

I wasn't sure how to remove the wall mirrors, but I found this youtube video and thought I could do it myself. I when I went to Lowe's to get my paint, I also got some wood shims.  Thankfully a friend came over and was able to help me grab the mirror as it came loose so it wouldn't break.  I admit, I felt very accomplished having done this just from watching the video.  Our mirror unlike the one in the video did also have clips so I had to remove those first up top, then once I had used the shims, we had to slide it out of the bottom bar and then remove those.  I also removed the towel rack and took all the ducky themed pictures on the wall.  I was able to sell it all to someone through a Facebook resale group I'm a part of - so its getting more use somewhere else! 

The mirrors were off!!! 

Then I wiped down the walls and taped it for painting.  This is where I made my first mistake.

Painting tip:  Painting Semi-Gloss on Semi-Gloss (the paint needed in the bathroom because of moisture) is not easy to do because the paint won't adhere.  You either need to sand down the walls or purchase a product called TSP at Lowe's or Home Depot to help the process.  The people in the paint department can easily get it for you.  I did neither so that meant that when I pulled that tape off all of the painting I'd done came off with the tape so I had to do a lot of touch up! 

Once the painting was done, I put up the mirrors.  We discovered the light fixtures we had kept had been put on crooked on the back wall, and later discovered we had a bigger issue with that wall - it wasn't straight! The drywall was put in and instead of being straight was beveled in the center.  We really couldn't fix the issues with the wall or the fixture right now so my husband helped me put the mirrors up and replace the towel rack with the floating shelves that took 4 hours to put up because of the curvature in the wall.  We had to screw in the shelves in the center just so that would go up against the wall.  

I then used my Cricut machine to make stencils with freezer paper.  I painted "Rise and Shine" on the back wall above the shower and then repainted a framed wood piece with a heart pattern I found online.  Originally, the wood piece had lyrics to the song, "Bushel And A Peck," but my husband had also cut out the song lyrics in metal from a design I sent him.  We decided we liked that best.  The song has significance with my kids because its the tickle song.  I sing it and tickle and hug them along with the lyrics and we also end up laughing.  

As far as the little touches. The shower curtain came from Target and I got the hooks from Home Goods.  The clock came from TJMaxx.  The hanging art were the homemade pieces I'd already talked about (even though we thought the metal sign needed a frame, so my husband made one).  I got the bathmat and colorful washcloths from Target and grabbed the colorful knobs from Hobby Lobby.  I got my silver switch plates at Lowes.  The items on the shelves came from a variety of places the sand art box with the G, I made (Hobby Lobby) and I made both the framed saying (something significant as it was on the basement door growing up) as well as the wood box saying.  I had the glass piece that houses cotton balls, and the two succulent holders (one with q-tips and one with a fake plant from Target) are available in a set of 4 on Amazon, (note: I couldn't find them but found some other cute ones with link)  but I got them from the same resale group I sold my ducky art on.  

I do want to paint the vanity base, but for now I'm really happy with the room and doing little projects like this one bring me joy as creative endeavors are one of my outlets.  What activities help you find your inner calm?  I'd love to hear about it! 

A CHOICE

I got a text.  It was from a friend in rehab (I have a few of them there at the moment).  She thanked me for my card and I quickly responded with the following: 

I LOVE YOU!!! 

Followed by: 

I'm proud of you. 

As I typed that last sentence I had this epiphany.  I'm saying to someone in rehab that I am proud of them, and the "why" is what birthed my deep thought.  I have met several people lately in the middle of their life mess, and honestly, I am in the middle of my own life mess.  I could record and replay the message I hear from people faced with reality - they are awful for where they are and facing it just reminds them of the bad person they are. 

Reality is, we all are in the midst of some type of life situation.  The details are different for all of us, but humanity is in all of us.  It takes courage to face up to life.   

I realized in that moment people have to make a choice in who they become.   

1. Those who face life head on and in spite of the failures and struggles that seek to define them, reach out for the life they want.  These people seek to be whole, healthy individuals.  The struggle is the hurdle, not the defining quality.  These people call out for help when they get stuck so they will ensure they reach their goals and find success.  

2.  Those who hide behind their masks and keep their secrets, thoughts and addictions from the world.  Perfection is always an illusion and those who put up the image of perfection are usually trading relationships for busy work or looking good.  These people are tired from being who everyone else wants them to be and feeling enslaved to self-imposed expectations.  

We often get tricked into thinking we are the only ones struggling with thoughts, insecurities, fears, addictions, weaknesses, temptations, etc, because so many people seem to have it together.  BUT ITS A LIE! There are no perfect people. 

 Of course not everyone's junk is created equal and some of us have more to overcome, but we can choose to cry at reality and keep making excuses, all the while climbing deeper in the pit, or we can face the man in the mirror and do what we have to do to be who we want to be.  We have to speak truth to the lies and realize while we will always be facing new obstacles throughout life, how we respond to them largely affects how they affect us.  

I was proud of this woman as well as a few others I am working with because they are choosing to face all the hurt and pain below the surface.  Usually the addictions or bad behaviors we develop are symptoms of some underlying issue.  

My own choice to have an abortion at 18 was a cover-up mission to hide the pain I had from divorce, abuse and false religious expectation.  Its sad that my turning point came at the cost of my son, but it was where I faced myself and the lies I was holding as truth and began to heal from everything.  

I am proud of people who make the choice, no matter how big or small, to be themselves, face lies they believe and begin to find their voice in this world.  I am proud of people who say, "no," to the things that keep them down and are willing to do the work in exchange for freedom.  

So here's my final question for you, which person are you?  If you are number 1, or see you are number 2 and want to change, hear me say: I AM PROUD OF YOU! We each have some choice in the person we are each day.  Find your choice and make it wisely! Happy Wednesday!!!

Failure

As a woman with perfectionist tendencies, the word, "failure" is often a four-letter word in my world.  However, it shouldn't be.  Failing at things can be a lifeline if we know how to use it properly.  

When I fail at something I get a view into what doesn't work.  If I am intentional not to let it feed my identity and take the lesson its trying to offer, I can make necessary adaptations and re-aim at my goal.  

I am one who believes far too often we would be better served if we used physical metaphors to help us navigate emotional issues.  For example, when I trip and fall while walking down the street, I may give a sheepish, embarrassing look around as I get up and dust myself off, but I do get up, make the necessary adjustments, and keep going.  I don't sit and cry and ask everyone why I fell.  I don't stay there on the sidewalk for hours, days or years.  However, when I make a life misstep, I do find myself staying put in a fit, mourning my mishap.  Taking a clue from physical life tells me to get up, fix what needs it and keep going.  

Perfection is not and never should be a life goal.  Perfectionism doesn't lead to happiness, instead it leads to lifelessness! The last thing we want is a globe full of Stepford Wives  roaming around.  Where is fun in that?  Life, a full life, is messy!  

Jerry Bridges in his book, "The Pursuit of Holiness" shares a truth I often quote because it speaks to the heart of me, "A failure is not someone who fails, but someone who stops trying."  In contrast, Albert Einstein is often quoted as saying, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results." Both of these quotes can serve as bookends to the topic of failure.  

If we look at failing as the definition of being a failure, we will never succeed in tackling our goals in life.  We must view a failure as someone who stops trying and use that definition to propel us to move forward.  We must also be brave enough to examine those moments we fail so we can try someone new in our next attempt.  Doing the same thing over and over again (whether it truly was Albert Einstein who said it or not) is the definition of insanity.  We must change our approach, perspective, words, behaviors, response, or all of the above as we head out on our redo.  

Do you need a little grace today?  Are you too hard on yourself when you make mistakes?  Do you need to go out and fail so you can discover what it truly takes in making your dreams reality?  Getting good at failing will also show us that it has no barring on our personal value.  

Tripping on the sidewalk doesn't make me a horrible person, it just makes me human.  Missing that job opportunity, going bankrupt, getting dumped, failing a class doesn't make us bad people, it just means we are in fact, people! 

The one class in college I had to retake did cost me extra, but getting the grade replaced on my transcript wasn't the only reward.  I hated the first Sociology 101 class I took.  It was awful!!! When I retook it with a different professor at a different time, I found that I loved the class.  The curriculum was completely different and I learned some valuable information.  Had I let that "D" stand, I would have never had the great experience that came at the end of my failed first attempt.  

Can you think of a time that a failed experience led to a new beautiful reality?  Take some time and soak this in and allow it to change your perspective.  Is there a recent failed moment that you aren't gleaning enough from?  Have you let the failure stop you from trying?  Please hear me when I say, don't quit.  You can succeed and I'm guessing someone else needs this lesson from you.  Go get it!!! 

Six Lessons From Grandma

Two weeks ago I talked about the memories that come to mind and just the amazing way the brain holds onto some things in our conscious mind and other memories get filed away and never or seldom remembered again. 

This last weekend we celebrated the life of my Grandma Pat.  I had the honor of putting together the slideshow and as I thought back on the times we had together, I realized just how special she was and our relationship was, so I thought in her honor I would share some lessons I learned from my grandma with you!

1. Family is Family - Grandma Pat was my dad's stepmom. I never felt the "step."  She was my grandma and I was her first grandchild.  She made me feel so special on my visits with her and she was someone who made me feel loved.  I knew she was in my corner.  

I never knew until adulthood when I encountered other families that the word, "step" actually created rifts in families and that distinctions of "real" and "step" were made.  It just wasn't in my understanding and its something I continue to try to pass on in life.  

I am about to have my first grand baby, as my stepdaughter, Stephanie, is due in February. I hope that child one day can echo the same words I use when I describe the relationship pictured above. 

2. Its Never Too Late to Start Over - The blended family I grew up in looked perfect to me.  I thought I was amongst the real-life Brady Bunch.  It wasn't until I grew into adulthood that I learned, it was really tough in the beginning.  There were moments when the obstacles that this new family faced challenged its future and as they forged ahead bitterness could have taken hold, but it didn't.  

My grandparents never let age, or bad habits be an excuse for moving forward.  If something needed to be changed, you worked at it until you found success.  I have let this guide me in life as well.  I do a lot wrong, but I won't let that be a quitting spot, but a place where growth will happen.  

I've often quoted Jerry Bridges from his book, Pursuit of Holiness, when he says, "A failure is not someone who fails, but someone who stops trying." I quote it because its a source of encouragement to stay the course.  Whatever obstacle you face, when you fail, dust yourself off and go at it again. 

3.  Gratitude is Everything - We didn't do a traditional service.  It was a lunch and service of our (very large) family at my aunt's house.  We had a lunch of Grandma's favorite recipes, ate candies she loved, drank Fuzzy Navel wine coolers and Sangria (her favorite drinks) and finished the service with pie, as she taught pie making, for many years.  

One of the memories many of us shared was Grandma's strict ways of enforcing the "thank-you" note.  She was infamous for requirement of a "thank-you" note.  While I didn't always agree with the strict standard she held, I know that showing gratitude is a lost art in our society and its something that we must practice more.  Being grateful is a must for the best life possible.  

I loved the touch my Aunt Julia added by having a basket of "thank-you" notes for us to take on our way out so that we could thank someone in honor of Grandma.  I marvelled that despite our objections at times in our childhood, here was a room of thirteen twenty-somethings that know how to write "thank-you" notes and do it consistently.  What a treasure for the generations to come!!!

4. Fun is a Key Ingredient in Life - When I was little, my visits to Grandma and Grandpa's house included playing card games, watching movies in their bed, going on adventures like panning for gold or going out shopping and out to dinner, but my most prized memory is the dress-up time Grandma did with me.  

She would dress me in an old flapper outfit or some other fancy dress.  She'd do my hair and make up and then present me to the family ready in the living room as Glamour Galore, the famous fashion model. Sometimes I was her sister, Glorious.  The way in which Grandma turned the ordinary into an event was an art form and it was a school I loved to attend. 

She had fun! Life is full of junk and sometimes you just have to have fun for no reason at all, other than because life would be too boring without it!  I carry this into my motherhood now.  Sometimes we make the ordinary meal a special event or go on an adventure just because its a Tuesday.  Life has enough serious in it - fun is necessary!!!

5.  Go For Your Goals - Grandma Pat was a supporter.  If she knew you liked something, she was there to cheer you on in those goals.  After all, if you didn't make it, life was full of the neigh-sayers,  but we don't have to be that for those we love.  

As I started to speak more openly about my past, my abortion and how God had healed me, I decided I should tell my family.  I'd rather them hear it from me, than read it somewhere else or have someone else tell them.  After a riveting game of Mexican train, one visit, I told my grandparents my story.  They gave me a hug and sent me to bed.  I later discovered they flipped out in my absence in shock of the bomb I'd dropped in their laps.  

Despite their private freak out, Grandma learned why I was passionate about sharing my story and encouraged me in my public speaking.  One of the first things she did was get me hired as the guest speaker at their local Pregnancy Center's annual banquet! She let me see how to go after goals on my own and to encourage those around us.  What a gift!

6. There's Always A Way to Conquer Those Obstacles - My Aunt Julia shared a story about Grandma, that I loved.  When Grandma was first married, she wanted to make a roast for her husband's boss the night he was coming to dinner.  She'd never made one before and since this was long before google was around, she decided to figure it out herself.  

She called random numbers and acted like she was doing a survey.  She inquired about the ways in which people made a roast.  She then took all the answers and landed on a median recipe on temperature, prepping etc.  Grandma didn't have the luxury of education so many have today, but she was so intelligent (she had a genius IQ) so she learned what she didn't know, any way she could.

Hearing others stories like this one, mirrored the ways Grandma had taught me to get the knowledge you needed to walk down that path you envisioned.  We let far too much stand in our way, and I loved hearing the creative ways, Grandma conquered whatever came her way.  We give up far too quickly in life and many of us need to regroup and go!

Do you ever stop and think what you've learned from those you love?  Which of the lessons above did you most need to hear?  I'd love to hear from you! Happy Wednesday!!!