I recently shared my car with a new friend who escaped an abusive marriage. My heart has been open to her because of my own experiences. Along this car ride she shared with me her story and it was heartbreaking not just because of the acts she was subjected to, but because of what it revealed about women and how they learn to cope with realities that should never be.
As she shared, I shared.
The last time my step dad abused my mom was a big day and yet its the most menial moments that I remember most.
What I remember most, once it was all over, was sitting in the hospital ER reading a People magazine article about what Kim Bassinger looked like without makeup. That fact absolutely cracks me up because there was so much more going on and that is what I remember most! But as I shared, it was as if remembering that trivial moment was a key to unlock other memories. I then remembered Kurt showing up in the ER wanting to see my mom. I was so upset that I tried to attack him and a nurse had to restrain me. I was appalled that this man would show up to see the damage he had done. Can you imagine this young teenage girl going after a grown man in a hospital waiting room? Bringing back those memories also brought back emotion. I had to hold back tears as I drove.
I now understand why he did that, because Kurt wasn't a bad man, he was a hurting man. He had himself been abused. He carried a great deal of pain and when the emotion cleared I can only imagine the amount of regret and self-loathing that replaced the anger that had led to him hurting my mom, the woman he'd loved and married. Regret is what brought him there.
Even though the recounting evokes emotion its also what helps bring healing. I know God has healed my heart from those years. I can say, as I have said before in other posts, I don't hold any unforgiveness or hatred toward Kurt because as I processed I saw his hurt, and my heart was able to not only forgive but have compassion for a man that brought pain into my own life. If I had kept running from those memories that healing would never have come.
Truth moment - being moved to emotion or having feelings triggered does not equate to not having dealt with the pain. Dr. Henry Venter, a counselor that specializes in Reproductive Grief, once told me the sign you have healed from a wound isn't in whether or not emotions can be triggered but in how it affects your day to day life. Carrying a burden you can't let go of is one way to know you have to heal from it.
I've encountered several women lately who are walking a rough road. They are all, like me, at different stages in the process, but far too many of them are stuck in running away from the memories and emotions and its keeping them from facing up with themselves so they can heal. Find a safe space to see what memories may come and allow God to heal those broken places. My mom is an excellent example - today, she is a beacon of light to many women because she allowed God to heal her and allowed God to use the challenges she's walked. Honestly, she's one of my heroes (as is this women in my car) because as I stated before a hero isn't defined by what they face but how they respond!
I may or may not know you, but if you are carrying a burden isn't it time to get help and find healing?
1. You can't do it alone.
2. You can't wait till you're ready
3. You can't worry about what others think
4. You do matter.
I promise you, you can overcome this (whatever the "this" is for you). I am not done in my overcoming journey because I had several things to overcome, but I have overcome too large obstacles from my past and it serves as a reminder that I can overcome the one I currently face. If you aren't sure where to start, message me and I will happily help you find your starting place (a good counselor, support group etc). God bless you this Wednesday. Don't give up on your journey because you are so worth the fight!
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