What Pain Really Means

As I watched the end of "Marley & Me" tonight and saw the pain in the faces of the characters as they said goodbye to a dear friend, it brought me to the journey of pain I have experienced over the past 6 months. I realized that each area of pain is present because of hopes and dreams and relationships. Its the presence of an open heart to the people around me that even allows me the chance for heartache. If I were closed off I would not be able to experience anything good or bad in this life.

The loss of Sandie pained me so because she dwelled within my heart and I allowed her to mean something to me beyond the title, "mother-in-law," and Kurt's news of cancer hurt me because I had allowed God the opportunity to create warmth in my heart where deep brokeness once lived. I allowed God to let love flow for a man that I never thought I could love. Of course, the pain of a miscarriage for what I wanted and what now had opened the door to be, yet was taken away.

Pain is present because I am present in my life. I am not just sitting by while the days pass tuning into the latest drama of reality tv to fill my heart, but I living, loving, hoping, dreaming, and allowing whatever may come to just be. I accept, though at times I want to pick what comes my way. Even in the face of so much pain, I will embrace this thing called life.

Dancing Trees

The tickle monster was released yesterday to dance among the trees. The palm trees danced about energetically as the wind tickled them in great movement. Other trees waved about in a worshipful state to their Creator. Leaves danced about the streets in excitement to be apart of this great adventure. Trash cans lining the streets were taken down by the great monster and instead decided to lay on the ground in surrender. It was a sight to behold and experience, to be allowed to the party as more the observer than participant. Nature had a day off to enjoy and play as children on a playground. I reveled in the glory that took place all around me.

Grief stricken

I wish I could explain the pain I feel in my loss of the baby, and all that came with it. Its been hard to walk in life and see dreams fall to the ground. Its been hard to celebrate in other's joyous moments when they seem to point to my pain. At times, though I know this is not true, I feel God mocks me as the things I praised him for seem to fade away and as each week brings 3 or 4 more pregnant friends. I know God is good, and I know he loves me. I recognize that my heartache is far less than others' suffering around the world, but that knowledge does not comfort me. Its hard to find joy when I find myself daily swimming in grief pools. I know all will be well, but my heart wants to explode inside my chest. This too shall pass, but for now it just hurts worse than any break-up has even broken my heart.

While I thank people for their pointing to the encouragement of knowing I may now get pregnant, it almost feels worse. Like a desire was finally given only to be taken away. It hurts.

Joining the Land of the Living

Its amazing to me how life circumstances can take over your whole being and almost make one obsolete from the day to day. Even though my grief over several losses has been in my opinion minimal for my normal level of emotions, I still have felt like I have been living in another world for the past few weeks. I came to work and talked with people, all the while truly being out of it without my knowledge. I just feel like I've been living in the peripheral zone. Its a weird time of year to do so as Christmas is coming, but today I have begun to re-enter the land of the living. I am beginning to reconnect with work tasks and feel like I am a true human being interacting in the real world - still grief-stricken, but reality aware. I am remembering my to-do lists and working on accomplishing tasks, which feels really good.

How Does One Measure?

How does one measure the meaning of their life? Lately, I have been living in an Alice in Wonderland state where things are not always what they appear and do not coincide with my normal definitions in life. I wonder if I have been looking at things backwards or even upside down. Recently, as I have shared in a previous blog, an old relationship has discovered new meaning where past events are now viewed differently.

I have told my story on stage so many times I can no longer count. I have recited details of situations, both bitter and sweet, and discussed where they have led me in life. I have gained insight into myself through those experiences and what I feel God has done in me because of what I have encountered. What if my chronological recounting has missed meaning of events because I was measuring in a linear format? How can I measure specific circumstances or my life as a whole when each new day brings new meaning to who I am and why I am here?

I Corinthians 13 tells us at the close of the chapter that now I only know a part, but then (when Jesus comes and I go to be with him in heaven) I will know fully as "I am fully known." The older I become I really should have more questions than answers because new dimensions of myself and God's hand in events should be revealed. If I wake up from a nap with my head against a picture on a piece of paper, my eye close up will only see a glimpse of the whole, as I raise my head and have more focus to see it all, then I will know what I am looking at.

So how do I measure my life? The answer is I don't have an answer, but I will not limit my beginnings of an answer to my own knowledge or experience, but will be open to the possibilities of what God has in store and will cherish even the things that at first may seem bad. For I know that while living in an abusive home as a child was a horrible experience, it is now measured by the lives I encountered and cherished for those reasons. I am thankful that I had the opportunity to know someone even in dark circumstances. I can't wait to see how the rest of my life will measure up. Who's with me?

My Life - The Movie

Have you ever wondered about your life in movie form? I have - often. In fact I've said as the credits roll at the end I'd like "Here Comes The Sun" by the Beatles to play. My sister said the other day that if my life was on the big screen she thinks Reese Witherspoon should play me. Not sure what that means but she's definitely cuter than me so I'll take it.

I love at the end of the day to sit and veg in front of the television. I joke I could write tv scripts - I've seen so many shows. My favorite are Hallmark movies. They are cheesy, predictable, romantic, sweet, and completely what I need when I am overwhelmed by life. Hallmark movies are exactly what I need to go to make believe land and find calm. The thing is if my life was a made for tv movie, it would never make it on the Hallmark Channel. My life is more suited for the Lifetime Channel - drama, cliffhangers, and climatic events.

I guess if that ever happens I need to start doing more writing. I have a ton of beginnings of my story written in a million ways without any endings to finish it off. The truth is life is interesting and I'm not sure a movie could fully capture all the nuances of what our lives mean.

There are so many layers to who we are. Each event has multiple meanings that sometimes are contradictary. If nothing else, facing some of my past recently has helped me to see that. Events can mean one thing our whole life and one simple change can help us see that it meant something else all along. The heart experiences life in an array of ways.

Who knows if I will ever get that book about me written or if I'll ever have a movie about my life? For now I will just enjoy it and face the bad stuff with confidence in God and who he has made me to be. I will continue to grow as a person and see what the future holds. Who knows maybe one day Reese Witherspoon will play the role as Carrie?

The Grief Process

There are seven stages to grief. Shock, Denial, Bargaining, Guilt, Anger, Depression and finally, Acceptance.

With my recent miscarriage, I feel like I quickly experienced shock and denial and passed by bargaining and guilt straight to anger. I have parked my car there with a quick trip to depression on the occasion. I find myself spouting off things I can and can't do now that I am not pregnant. Kevin asked me who I was mad at and I don't have an answer for that, but I am angry. Angry my life just can't be easy at any step of the way. Nothing has come easy for me and that is frustrating. I am not angry at God because I know he knows what he is doing. I just wish it could be easier than it is. I have no desire to ask,"why" I just want to know, "what now?" What should my attitude be? How should I approach my life? These are all questions I don't have answers for, and I'm fine with that for now. My emotional process has been interupted by the current physical pain. I had no idea a miscarriage would be so painful. I didn't want to have to have a D&C as it would remind me of my past abortion, and I am thankful that I had the miscarriage a day after discovering it was my envitable future, but I did not expect both the pain the reality of all that would happen. It was shocking and slightly traumatic, but it was nice to have a distraction from my emotions for awhile as I let my body heal.