Why THIS is so Hard

2001 was the year I graduated from college.  I'm gonna be honest, the fact that I'm turning 42 at the end of this year and that college graduation was 19 years ago, seems surreal.  

After college I came to Visalia for the summer and stayed with my dad and step mom.  I assisted the youth pastor at the church before heading to Colorado that August for a one-year Discipleship Training Program.  This was not the normal Bible training, because most of the experience was working as live-in help at a residential care facility for troubled teens.  

To say that it was a hard year is seriously an understatement.  Immediately, it was hard.  The training we received two weeks before moving into the house, couldn't come close to preparing me for what I was in for, but that could be said of getting married and having children as well.  We never know what something takes until we actually do it.  

My first moments on duty were hearing someone making noises in the bathroom and going in to find a girl had snuck in a razor blade and was cutting.  We definitely hit the ground running!  Each day we got Bible training while the teens were in school and we met with the on-staff counselors.  The beauty of that experience was, we had a plethora of encounters each day to offer up and get help on how to be better.  

It was also intense because we were on 24 hours a day, 6 and a half days a week.  You read that right.  We each got 12 hours off a week, that was it.  We were bound to the property, except for weekly trips to Costco, that a few got to go on each week, or any other outings that were part of the program.  

I always tell people it was experience that I wouldn't take out of my life, but I'd never do again.  It was hard on so many levels.  Being stuck in one place means you can't run from challenges or things you want to avoid.  I remember watching the daytime staff drive off one evening and wishing I could go too, being in the same place practically every day for a year was a intense.  The good news was, I wasn't alone.  We had plenty of interaction with everyone living there, care staff and residents, and I do feel like now, 19 years later, I'm connected with those people in a unique way, because we went through it together.  

I jokingly posted to those friends last week (I think it was last week) about how we should be experts in this COVID-19 quarantine because we've done this before.  Then I found myself leaving the grocery store in tears, because I remembered the hardship it was to lose your freedom.  I shouted out to God as I left the parking lot, "I told you, I didn't want to do this again!"

Yes, there is beauty in this shelter in place season, but comparing it to my year at Shelterwood has had me doing some soul searching into why it was so hard. Here are some of my thoughts and really some food for thought for us all as we navigate this challenging time.  

1. Loss of freedom - As Americans we can for the most part do whatever, whenever we want.  Yes, there are rules but when compared to other, less free, nations, they are fairly easy to live within and give us a lot of decision making ability.  So to be told to stay home and to cut ourselves off from the world, without any say in the matter, feels foreign.  It's a hard place to be.  Lack of control is challenging to say the least.  

2. Loss of interaction - I love the Holderness Family, and they said they hated the term "social distancing," because really its "physical distancing,"  we are still social online, and with those in our family, but we can't have physical interaction with people in our lives.  Nothing like a quarantine to show you just how many people you encounter everyday.  Hugs, handshakes, fist bumps, close conversations, lunches out, coffee dates are just some of the ways we engage with people, daily.  Obviously, the extroverts like myself, have a much greater list, but that human contact feeds an emotional need.  We aren't just physical beings, we have a soul and we have needs that go into the emotional and spiritual realm.  Losing some of that does affect us, maybe even more than we ever realized.  

3. Loss of time and purpose - Do you know what day or date it is today?  Being left without the schedule that marks our days and weeks, means it all meshing together and that can keep us from feeling anchored in our lives.  The difference with Shelterwood was that we were on our own compound and had a daily and weekly schedule.  I also knew when my time was up.  I signed a year contract and when times got tough, I could count down the length of time I had left or the time til my next 12 hour break.  With this current situation, we don't know how long this will go on.  Not knowing is hard because there is no way to build up the proper endurance to keep going.  Also, without tracking our weeks, we can lose a sense of purpose which can impact our emotional health.  

4. Loss of finances - Many families are living in uncertainty because they have no idea how they are going to make ends meet when neither spouse is working, or one spouse is working, or knowing how long they will be able to sustain their temporary solution.  Small businesses are being affected and that not only effects individuals, it affects us all.  Our communities, resources and emotional health are all affected in this financial problem.  

Did you notice, each item uses the word, "loss," that is because there is some grief involved in this process.  We are mourning the lives we had before the new norm of shelter in place.

So is that it?  

Are we just going to look at the problems and why this is so hard?  No.  So much of this is out of our control, but so much is in our control.  Understanding what we are feeling helps to identify the solutions.  Once we understand the issues at play, we can turn our focus onto what we can control.   

We need to be mindful of not only our needs, but the needs of others.  We have an opportunity to build community like never before.  We have a chance to think outside the box and build financial success in new ways.  We can create a calendar of activities and goals that we build into our weeks so that it isn't just some time dump with nothing but isolation.  We can embrace the people stuck with us or face the stuff we've been avoiding.  We can celebrate the slow down and refocus our goals and what truly matters.  

What thing have you wanted to do, try or change?  Where can you focus and build new habits or develop new skills?  What family members have you not talked to in awhile?  What are you doing to monitor your own emotional and physical health?  

You get to choose if you will give in to depression or put things in place to fight against it.  You get to choose if you will be more intentional with working out and caring for your body or giving into the snacking and gain more weight.  You get to choose if you will stay on autopilot with your parenting or get more involved in a real relationship.  

Yes, there is definitely a lot of suck with all of this, but there is also hidden blessings.  My year at Shelterwood brought passages of the Bible to new light.  I felt like the 2D words had 3D meaning in my life like never before.  Once again, I see that with our current situation.  I already mentioned that I felt more connected with the people that survived it alongside me, and I'm seeing more connection and less division online.  We needed that! 

Can you find the hidden blessings and go for the best experience?  Are you finding the depth of scripture like never before? I find asking God, "why," is not nearly as beneficial as asking him, "what now?"  

So that is my final question for you?  What now?  Take some time to think about what is the hardest part for you in all of this.  What can you learn about yourself and how can you move forward?  Will you make the most of this opportunity?  Only you can answer those questions. 

If you need someone to talk to, I'm hear.  Just reach out.  
Happy Wednesday! 

Short-sighted

I went into work last week to hear that the night before a local girl had died in a tragic car accident.  Due to a suspicious tweet posted earlier that night, there was question as to whether it was an accident or intentional.   A few minutes later, a girl in my youth group walked in the door with tears in her eyes.  She knew the girl who had died and it was hitting her hard.  It wasn't a best friend, but a person she looked up to.  She noted that she had just seen the girl from the accident a few days ago and the reality of the finality of life, hit hard.  

I remember being her age and getting the news that a friend in Ohio had been in a bicycling accident and died.  I had just moved to Germany but had seen the friend just before leaving.  I wasn't able to attend the service and I was grieving for my friend from a distance.  

We all have suffered loss.  Some of it we see coming and other times we are completely taken off guard.

As I sat next to the my youth group girl, I found myself in a sea of deep thoughts.  I am a Christian.  That means that I believe in a God who created us to be in a relationship, and when something got in the way, He made a way for us to be restored to him - all because the center of Christianity is love!  

The restoration process means there is more than this world we live in.  When we die we go to a place that has been prepared for us.  That life is eternal which is a drastic contrast to our finite life on earth.   Thinking about this girl, I am reminded there is more than just this world.  

Francis Chan compares it by taking a white rope and painting a quarter inch red.  He says life is the red and the rope is eternity.  We should live for the rope instead of the red end. 

 Living with that perspective should make us more loving people because we aren't as concerned with whether someone wrongs us or whether or not we got what we'd aimed for in a certain encounter.  Instead we are focused on the things that matter beyond this life.  The last thing we want is to become short-sighted and miss the whole reason we are here. 

I Corinthians 13:13 says, "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."  It doesn't say our wealth will last.  You can't take your stuff with you when you die. Its deeper parts of ourselves and the way we lived that last.  Being people who love others, who have faith against the odds, and hope in the midst of doubt, those are the things that last.  

My faith in God isn't blind faith.  

The faith we are asked to have as Christians is the same faith I have every day that my house won't collapse on me when I walk inside.  The building was tested and proved sound, so now I live with faith because of the evidence.  The same is true for my faith.  There is evidence in history and archaeology that prove the people in the Bible were real.  There is evidence that Jesus was in fact, who he said he was. 

I can look beyond the 90ish years I have on earth (I mean I have no idea how long I will live) and see the eternal perspective.  I can share that hope, love and faith with others and help encourage them in life.  

Its a reminder to look beyond what is right in front of us and change our perspective.  Get the big picture when we need it to help us and help us encourage others too.   

Dear Women of New York,

Dear Women of New York,

Last night I had trouble falling asleep.  A new law was passed in your state on abortion.  I've seen a variety of posts from friends on my social media feeds.  One post in particular hasn't left my mind. It was a diagram demonstrating how late term abortions are performed.  Before I continue with my thoughts, let me first tell you a few things about me that will factor into what I have to say.  

At 40, I became a grandma last week.  My husband is older and has daughters from his first marriage, so technically I'm a step-grandma, but in my family "step" doesn't mean anything, only the relationship and love do.  I was shocked by a text I got last week because my stepdaughter wasn't due for another month. Her baby came early and ended up in NICU because of that but was sent home like any full-term baby because even a month early, she was healthy.  Tiny, but healthy.

I have two babies of my own.  The oldest will be 8 tomorrow and the youngest will be 4 next month.  

I also have two babies in heaven.  The oldest would have turned 20 last year and the younger would have been about 9.  Danielle, the younger, was miscarried. I still have a photo of that toilet with her in it.  I couldn't look away because that was my child. The older baby, my Tyler, he was aborted. I was about 6-8 weeks along when I went in for the abortion, I wasn't allowed to see the ultrasound before the abortion so I'm not sure the exact week.  

I was pro-life before my abortion.  I never really understood how I could abort when I grew up believing it was wrong.  Greg Hasek, a counselor in the Northwest, helped me see that decisions are often made out of fear and insecurity instead of what we know to be right or wrong.  That was a pivotal moment for me.  By not dealing with my own issues I inevitably ruined my decision-making ability.  

I was a mess after I aborted Tyler.  Mess is actually an understatement. There are things no one tells you, or maybe you just don't want to believe, and that is why I ended up working with women who had been through abortion or were at that crossroads.  It's no longer my full-time work because let me tell you, when you've lived it, its exhausting work. I'm still here and participate in online groups for women. I still get referrals and will always be available to a woman who needs to talk, but doing it non-stop just became too much.  

Why?  It wasn't just my own story, but instead it was hearing the same story over and over again.  It didn't seem to matter what someone believed about the law. So many women were wrecked by abortion.  Women experience various levels of trauma based on the individual circumstances but whether they were coerced or chose for themselves, the common thread they share is that something in them changed in a way they couldn't get it back.  Many of them silently experience their pain in everyday life, but suffer secretly.

I think it's because most women really want a time machine, not an abortion.  After abortion, the core of them feels that they betrayed themselves and their child.  Guilt is a horrible feeling, because left unresolved, it doesn't just come off. It just becomes heavy.  Then comes a variety of other emotions: embarrassed, ashamed, guilty for now feeling regret about what they stood for and believed was their right and all women's right, stupid for being duped by a family member, friend or partner, abandoned in their pain and alone.  

Each story looks different and yet, it also all sounded the same.  Women were living in bondage because, despite the plethora of healing opportunities offered by Pregnancy Resource Centers and other abortion-recovery related non-profits, our divisive society makes finding healing an uphill battle. I found healing because I want a better me no matter the cost, but not everyone is that lucky.  

With my abortion past and my mom/grandma reality I can't even begin to imagine the horror a woman would experience after a late-term abortion.  You’ve spent 9 months bonding with a baby in your belly, and felt the kicks and various movements only to go in for an abortion procedure that means going home for 24 hours while your baby dies, then having to go back in to deliver your dead baby. If that isn't by definition trauma, I don't know what is?!  

Don't do it.  Forget what a law says, don't write yourself a prescription for that much pain!   This new law might seem to some to be a step forward for women’s rights, but if you ask me it is causing a lot more harm.  

Women deserve better than abortion.  Women deserve better than this new law.  You deserve better. Let’s fight for better!  

Sincerely,

Carrie Guy

P.S. If you or someone you know have experienced the loss of abortion and need someone to talk to, let me know.  You aren’t alone.

4 Encouragements In the Midst of Pain

I don't know about you, but this past week has been really exhausting!

As a youth pastor, this time of year is usually taxing on my schedule with all of the end of the year events, graduations and parties.  I end up running from one thing to the next.  

This week my norm was compounded by grief.  It started when I found out a man I've known locally for over 8 years had a sudden heart attack and died.  He was a year older than my husband so the reality of that situation was difficult to comprehend.  I can't imagine losing Kevin right now.  I know one day I may have to say goodbye, but I look at that day as something 20 plus years from now.  I can only imagine that is what this man's wife is feeling when her plans were thrown out and a new life looks her in the face.  A life she never planned and would probably give anything to relinquish for what she had.  

A few short days later I learned a high school friend had to say goodbye unexpectedly to her 10-year-old son who died after a brain aneurysm.  Life was normal one minute and not the next.  My heart has been heavy for her and just can't imagine what her family is going through right now.  I've know a few other people who have lost a child and it is something I think no one should ever experience.  

The next day I walked out to my front yard to the sounds of sirens arriving just a few doors down from me.  Moments later rescue responders were bend down doing chest compressions on a person in the driveway.  I don't know what happened or even what came of it, but as I watched, I felt done.  

Life is short.  

We have no guarantee for tomorrow.  

But when I felt my lowest in the wake of what others around me were experiencing,  I found encouragement.     

Yes, life is hard but it is also amazing!  

I got to see people do some great things, things we all should do! 

1.  I saw people laugh.  It made me laugh and find joy in life in the midst of whatever we face.  

2.  I saw people rally.  The silver lining of tragedy is that you get see how people respond.  I was touched today in working on a project for someone else, to see so many rally to help out and show love.  Yes, we may life in an online society but ladies and gentlemen, community is NOT dead!  Community is that successful free fall in a trust exercise.  Its beautiful.  

3.  I saw people celebrate.  Last week I talked about being two people at the same time.  The mix of the best of me and worst of me happening simultaneously.  Well the same can be said for the feelings we walk through.  I can mourn and celebrate at the same time.  Monday, I got to attend the funeral of the man I mentioned previously.  Everyone was sad because he was gone and yet we celebrated the man he was, the legacy he left and the God with which he now lives.  

Tonight, I got to cheer on 6 students graduating from 8th grade as they change schools and move on to high school.  To see the light in their face and the joy in their words as they reflected on the years that led them here, was beyond exciting.  

4.  I saw people enjoy today.  Eating ice cream with my kids or jumping into a pool on a hot day are the things that help me stay present in what I have - the moments before me.  Those are the things that matter.  There is nothing wrong in making plans but we have no idea if those plans will come to fruition.  We have to hug more, cuddle more, love more, compliment more and say what we feel.  Its okay to be awkward when its letting someone know we care or we recognize their value.  

Life can beat us down.  We need to revel in the beauty and cherish the things that are worth savoring.  

Don't forget...

 to laugh with those around you!

Rally around people in your life and causes that you care about.  

Celebrate the accomplishments and achievements in yourself and those around you. 

And ENJOY TODAY! 

Now set down your phone and go be present in the life before you!!!

Happy Mother's Day?

I am so blessed with a wonderful mom AND step mom.  Looking at the weekend ahead, I have a lot to celebrate.  In addition, I have two beautiful step daughters, one amazing son (despite the fact that he cut his own hair today and has a weird pattern of holes on his head) and a precious and precocious baby girl.  That is a day worth getting excited about, and believe me when I say I know just how lucky I am!!!

For my husband, while he can celebrate with me, there is a sober tone to the day.  He has lost the two women who mothered him.  His grandma passed away about 17 years ago and his mother passed away just before we had our youngest children.

My husband isn't the only one paddling in that boat.  I have friends who have lost a child and miss living their role as mom; I have seen beautiful friends lose their moms to cancer or some other tragedy and the fact is, this holiday can sting a bit.

Mother's Day isn't a quiet holiday.  Last year our country spent  $21.2 Billion on Mother's Day alone. Mothers deserve celebration, most people have a mom;  76% of single parent households are led by mothers.

My mom and my step mom have been two of my biggest cheerleaders.  They support me in my high and low moments of life.  When I felt alone as a girl, my mom was always there for me.  Even just 6 years ago, as I faced the challenges of a new baby, having my mom present in those first two weeks gave me courage to press on.  It was as if she was my very own security blanket.

 My mom, unlike anyone else on the planet understands me.  To be known the way she knows me feels amazing and being near her is like being home. 

In addition to that phenomenal woman, I have had my step mom around since I was four years old.  In high school when I moved to another country and lived with my her and dad for two years, she would come out to watch me cheer on the basketball team, she mediated my disagreements with my dad, helped me get ready for dances and even stayed up with me when I got the stomach flu.  

Mothers are the ones that often shape who we are, moms love us, encourage us and are there for us.   When a role so crucial is missing in one way or another, there is a void that makes a day like Mother's Day hard to handle.

I wanted to take a moment to recognize these people.  As trivial as it may be, I want to say I see you. My heart is with each of you on this national day of celebration.  Who am I talking to?

To those who have lost their mom, grandma or any other woman who filled that role.

To those who had your mom walk out on you.

To the woman who has lost a child.

To the woman who has experienced some other reproductive grief through infertility, abortion or miscarriage.  As someone who has experienced miscarriage and abortion, I have been in very similar shoes.  

Please remember these people as you celebrate Mother's Day this Sunday.  Send a note of encouragement, give a hug, sit and let them be with someone for a moment.  Love on those who mothered you or made you a mother, but also take some time to look after those who can't celebrate.  Remember those who feel the spotlight on their grief and want a giant hole to crawl into until the pomp and circumstance has passed.

Matthew 5:4 says,

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."  

We can be the comfort for someone who mourns.

It is important to recognize the flip side to every coin and while many who mourn are grateful for the years they had with the loved one that is not with them now; the truth remains with great impact comes great loss.  

If you need a hug, please feel mine today.  I would love to hear about the role or person you mourn.  Comment with your story and let others hear from you as well.  

God bless.

What Pain Really Means

As I watched the end of "Marley & Me" tonight and saw the pain in the faces of the characters as they said goodbye to a dear friend, it brought me to the journey of pain I have experienced over the past 6 months. I realized that each area of pain is present because of hopes and dreams and relationships. Its the presence of an open heart to the people around me that even allows me the chance for heartache. If I were closed off I would not be able to experience anything good or bad in this life.

The loss of Sandie pained me so because she dwelled within my heart and I allowed her to mean something to me beyond the title, "mother-in-law," and Kurt's news of cancer hurt me because I had allowed God the opportunity to create warmth in my heart where deep brokeness once lived. I allowed God to let love flow for a man that I never thought I could love. Of course, the pain of a miscarriage for what I wanted and what now had opened the door to be, yet was taken away.

Pain is present because I am present in my life. I am not just sitting by while the days pass tuning into the latest drama of reality tv to fill my heart, but I living, loving, hoping, dreaming, and allowing whatever may come to just be. I accept, though at times I want to pick what comes my way. Even in the face of so much pain, I will embrace this thing called life.