Don't Should On Me

"Should" is a powerful word.  When one says, they "should" have done something, it is laced with regret, and when someone else says you "should" have, its often a form of judgement, leading to guilt.

When I was a girl, my mom was a part of a counseling program, that I got to participate in on occasion.  Several of the lessons that I learned in those sessions, have stayed with me through the years.  It was in one of those groups that I first came to understand the concept of triangulation, a term that helped me look for land mines in relationships later in life.

A mantra that birthed through those groups and became known to my own family was, "Don't Should On Me," as a reminder not to add judgement or regret to our lives. 

How many times a day do we "should" on ourselves?  Adding that kind of pressure whether its being said or the concept is taking over our thought life, is not healthy.  

Living in regrets and judgments doesn't boost our self-esteem, it doesn't boost performance, and it doesn't send our lives into a positive trajectory.  Honestly, it does the opposite. 

Yes, we all need to strive to be the best us possible, but in that aim, there is no room for perfection.  That process includes failure, something we can celebrate, because it means we are trying.  We aim up, with the knowledge that there is training and bumps along the way. 

American culture doesn't often leave room for hard work and the time it takes to meet goals.  We want it now and if it takes too long, we will find the short cut, but that isn't a benefit to us as humans. 

In 1953 Sir Edmund Hillary and Sherpa Tenzing Norgay succeeded in climbing Mount Everest.  Even with the increase in success in recent years, of the 7.7 billion people on earth, only 800 attempt the task each year.  Out of all of those people (I used a calculator its 52,800 people) only 4,000 have succeeded as Hillary and Norgay in the years since.  Again with the aid of a calculator, I figure that means 48,800 of the people who attempted, failed - that is 92.4% of people failed.  

Those aren't good odds, that doesn't include the fact that its expensive, its time consuming, and its hard work.  So why do it? The experience, even failing, I'd imagine for those who attempt, is an amazing journey.  They learn about themselves, they challenge themselves and they become better people.  Its an endurance, long game experience.    

Life, like climbing Mount Everest, is a long game and we all need to pace ourselves, give some grace and continue along the way.  We march on learning and growing without the confines of a word like "should" because its worth it in the end.  

So give up the fake expectations and the distorted mirrors you've picked up along the way and be you.  Fight not only for the best version of you possible, but fight for the journey too! The Bible is full of commands but there is a reason love is number one.  

Jesus wants a relationship with us, where we are.  He wants to walk with us in the journey and guide us in the way we should go.  He loves us.  I think we'd all be better to take a page from his playbook and love ourselves a little more with patience and grace.  Stop the "should" fest and get up and go each day from where you are.   

Do You Have Hashtag Guilt?

If you are new to my blog or don't know much about me, you may not know when I was 18, the summer before I started college, I had an abortion.  It was a decision made out of fear, and I spent a lot time rebuilding my heart and life after that choice.  Since finding my own freedom after abortion, I spent years walking alongside others with similar stories to lead them to hope as they struggle with their own past mistake. Despite my ability to help others, I try not to be the "abortion girl" - mainly because I’m so much more than that and even though I have a lot to share about that experience, its not what defines me. 

Trust me when I say, when it comes to my past abortion, I have found freedom.  I have walked healing in this place in my life, have spoken in front of crowds countless times and have had conversations with many people and am completely able deal with the issue of abortion without being re-traumatized, but I am also a testimony to the fact that no amount of healing can undo what I did in a Pennsylvania abortion clinic in the summer of 1997. There are many facets to pain, like the layers of an onion, and as we trek on in life, we can discover ways in which our past connects to us today.

Abortion wasn’t a time machine that made me unpregnant, and our choices when we are young can have lasting ripples into adulthood.  This place of pain has allowed me to help a lot of other people navigate their hurt from a past abortion, and while 99.9% of the time, that choice doesn’t haunt me, there are still moments, usually years between, when I am impacted and experience grief. It is a place of remembrance in my heart and a loss that will always be.  

I love my six-year-old son.  He is the best!  After 5 years of trying to get pregnant, followed by a miscarriage, I was pretty excited when I had my baby in my arms.  I thought he’d be it until we were surprised with my now, two-year-old, baby girl.  I love that I have one of each because they are both my favorite.  I can say, you are my favorite son or favorite daughter on the planet without any competition.  I see a lot of hashtags out there on photos and posts and even use some of my own - hashtags like: #FavoriteChild,  #FavoriteDaughter, #FavoriteOldestSon,   (okay, you get the point), and maybe this is dumb, but sometimes I feel guilty for my posts labeled with #FavoriteSon.  I feel guilty because Caleb isn’t my only son.  He’s just my only living son.  

To be fair, I didn’t know if the baby I chose to abort at 18 was a boy or a girl, because I wasn’t far enough along to have that medically answered, but in my heart I’ve always known he was a boy, and his name was Tyler.  He’s been a real person in my heart since the day after my abortion.  Making that choice is my biggest regret.  As I enjoy my two beautiful kids and my two beautiful bonus daughters, I hate that he doesn’t share in our fun (and craziness).  I sometimes feel bad saying #FavoriteSon because I feel like I’m leaving someone out.  As a girl who had her rejected phase, I'm sensitive to leaving people out. 

The truth is, Caleb is my #FavoriteLivingSon or #FavoriteSonOnEarth.  I miss my Tyler and he’s my #FavoriteSoninHeaven  and I want him to know I love him even though I’m sure in heaven, he’s just fine.  The depths at which I love my kids just seems to illuminate the joy I denied myself by rejecting the gift of Tyler almost 20 years ago.  

I bet I’m not alone in my journey of mourning the life I took for granted as a teenager.  Maybe you never had an abortion, but you have a past decision or experience that marked you in a way that stays with you?  What are the ways your adolescent choices affect you, even now? 

We can't live in our past, we were never intended to do so, but to deny the reality that our choices will affect us for life, is a dangerous mistake.  We need to be intentional to let God into our past so that we can walk in freedom and be wise in the way we walk out each day.  I know I couldn't do life with my Savior Jesus Christ and if anyone is looking for some hope, he is definitely the answer!  I am praying for those who read as I know, life gets real, and know I am writing from a sincere heart and a place of understanding.  God bless you this week!