Unrequited Gratitude

Its no secret, I am one sentimental gal!!!  I'm also pretty silly so I stay balanced.  When I left Doulos Ministries in 2002, my parting gifts were a giggle and rock because of my infamous laugh and a box of tissues because I am ALWAYS CRYING! Its true, I cry a lot.  I'm not sad all the time, I cry in times of joy or just when my heart is so full it just can't take it.  I'm this way because I am a feeler.  To be more specific I'm an ENFJ on the Meyers Briggs test, a Sanguine/Choleric in the four temperaments test and a Helper on the Enneagram test.  Just in case you wondered.

I get that not everyone is like me, but I know I'm not alone - some of you are feelers like myself.  That is why last week when I talked about saying goodbye, its a big deal to me.  Moving a lot hasn't helped me, I just feel tied to a lot of people in a lot of places.

So why am I telling you all this?

Because all those people in all those places mean something to me.  I was posting a photo of a friend early today, as we had our last get together before she and her family moved.  I was all of a sudden taken down years of memories with them person.  Then I was overcome by overwhelming emotion.  I felt this gratitude for what she had added to my journey.  She had been a sounding board, a confidant - a friend!

Tonight on the other side of the country, people gather to say "thank-you" to a pastor and his wife after they retire following 38 years of ministry at their local church - a church, I grew up in.  This pastor was also a part of my journey.  I can remember sitting in his office in 5th (ish) grade as he counseled me through some very difficult times.

When I look at all the people over the years who have deposited amazingness into my life its wonderfully mind-boggling! Every little drop of love has filled my heart with joy!

Yes, there have been people who have hurt me, and brought pain into my life.  Yes, I have had to work hard, pray hard and lean way into God to get past it all, but despite all that, the kindness, sacrifice and love I've been shown far surpasses the pain!

What about you?  Can you think of all the people who have encouraged you, supported you and just plain been there for you over the years?  Maybe its time to tell people what they mean to you.  I think its high time I do!  In the state of the world where suicide is rising at alarming rates, as seen this past week with Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain leaving this world as a result of suicide, I am reminded to share the love.  I am reminded to stay in community and be proactive in my relationships.  I don't want to let the opportunity to let people know their impact, pass by unrequited.

God made me with a purpose, but he used a lot of people to shape me into the woman I am today.  You never know how someone's otherwise everyday actions can have lasting impressions in your soul, until that one comment stays with you forever.

I have had a few people message me or text me letting me know something I wrote on here encouraged them, and that actually means something to me, because I can begin to question whether or not I should keep writing each week, so thank you!!!

Let's start talking about what matters and let people know how much you appreciate their part in your life.  Don't be surprised if you hear from me, though it may take some time because I have a lot of people to thank!!!

The Deception of Suicide

A couple of years ago, I wrote on the topic of suicide in the wake of Robin Williams' tragic death.  Every time I hear someone else has lost the battle with suicide, it breaks my heart.  Beyond the obvious reasons, it breaks my heart because I have contemplated suicide and I know that struggle.

 I fight thoughts that this world would be better off without me.  Please know, I know that simply isn't true.  That thought is a lie, but its one I grapple with in life.  I see my glaring flaws and think, "I'm ruining my kids, they would be better off without the damage I inflict on them."  I begin to think my absence wouldn't be noticed in our world.  These lies run through my mind and I have to be proactive about replacing them with true statements.  I have to tell those voices to shut up and nurture voices that echo my value as a person, in spite of my flaws. 

We can't stop fighting.  We must reach for what is good.  The Bible says in Philippians 4:8

 "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."

I used to think that was only about moral good, like the stuff I watched on tv, but its also about fighting against the lies our enemy births and we tell ourselves.

This weekend I attended a conference, "The Gospel & Justice." Joshua Ryan Butler discussed many issues in our world that Christians need to get involved in, but as he shared he shared about our identity.  It sparked further thoughts of my own. 

God made us with purpose, he loves us and seeks to see us live in freedom.  God isn't the only one that has an identity to give us. Beyond the general mission of our enemy that the Bible tells us about in John 10:10, to steal, kill and destroy, Satan has crafted a unique lie and correlating identity for us.  We can choose to accept it and crumble beneath its burden, or instead we can choose to reject it and listen for what God says, and embrace the abundant life he offers.

Satan tells me I'm not good enough, and that I am not worth much.  Satan whispers in the face of rejection that something is wrong with me.  Crazy, damaged, broken are all identities the enemy has handed me. 

God tells me I am enough the way he made me, and lets me know I am worth more than precious gems.  He shows me that I am worthy, strong, loving and healed.  God lets me see the love he wants to share through me.  I am gifted in loving others and seeing their souls.  I am gifted in drawing out the heart and touching it with the love of Christ.

Suicide is a deception.  Its believing that our faults define us and that our worth is contingent upon shifting factors.  The deception of suicide goes beyond a lying identity to another lie - the lie that we are alone in our struggle.  We begin to believe if we share our inner abyss, we will be rejected which just leads to emotional isolation. 

If the body of Christ teaches us anything, its that we need each other.  Yes, we need companionship, but having people in your life, you can be transparent with, helps protect you from the lies.  The deception of suicide is more than just the "not good enough" its also a deception that no one will understand and you must carry the burden alone. 

To overcome we also must share the burden with people we trust so they can help point us to the truth.  We are loved!! 

My latest bout with self-worth doubt ended in a very interesting way.  Not only did I hear the voice of God and my own mantras but I heard the voices of those in my life.  I knew they would tell me my value in their lives.  It was the shortest lie moment I've had and I saw victory in it.  I'm sharing this with the world to let you know if this is a struggle for you, you aren't alone.  Find the truth of who God says you are and lean into it.  Be intentional in relationships and find someone(s) you can share your inner heart with - set yourself up for success!

Reflective Life - Suicide Selfish?

Yesterday, I got the news that Robin Williams had died. I found out on Facebook, then verified the facts looking at online news websites. Soon after the flood of trending posts began to saturate my news feed. To be honest, I didn't mind because I loved all the reminders of the movies he starred in and he is someone that has had a special place in my heart of all the stars out there in the world. A few hours after the news broke, I did find a post from a friend that went in a different direction. This friend remarked about his chagrin in having to endure a week of posts regarding Robin Williams. I then clicked on the comments and some of what I read disturbed me. Not because some people don't care about this actor, but because it revealed an ignorance to the human condition and a callous view that I cannot wrap my brain around. You see it is suspected that Robin Williams died from a suicide. Suicide can bring up an array of colorful emotions and opinions. One of the comments simply said: "Suicide=selfish" and I have to admit I have heard it before. While I get why someone would say that, I respectfully disagree or rather see a different viewpoint that trumps that perspective.

You see when I was 18, I had an abortion, another choice often labeled as selfish. The thing is, I was and am adamantly opposed to the act of abortion. I couldn't believe I had done something with which I fervently disagreed. That sent me not only on a journey of healing, but one for answers. I found some answers 8 or 9 years ago when I heard a speaker, Greg Hasek, say that the problem with "True Love Waits" and other like conferences challenging teens to save sex for marriage is that people don't make choices out of their moral compass and what they know to be right and wrong, instead people make choices out of their fears and insecurities. That simple statement turned a light bulb on in my head. I got it. The key to aiding others in life is not just in education but in helping them face and tackle their fears and insecurities. I made my choice to have sex outside of marriage and then to have an abortion after I discovered I was pregnant because I was scared. That fear took over everything I knew in my head.

This newfound understanding took another step when I learned how the brain works. You see when someone gets emotional, the surge of emotions blocks blood flow to the brain and inhibits someone from being logical because your brain needs that blood flow to work in making logical choices. This was an even greater a-ha moment because it makes a lot of sense. I have encountered countless women who are freaked out and feel alone, choose an abortion, then later beat themselves up, like I did, because they knew what they did was wrong. This phenomenon while applied to my abortion story, isn't limited only to that area. How many of us get caught up in a sale only to later have buyers' remorse? And while buyer's remorse isn't that serious, unless we just bankrupted our entire family, this true biological experience can devastate lives. Someone dealing with clinical depression or severe bullying or abuse may in a moment of emotional overload make a choice to end their lives. But they don't have the luxury of regret. That choice was final. Maybe it is in the end selfish, but I hate defining it as such because I would say 90% of what we do is selfish. That is not a cold hard statistic, but the reality is we are selfish people. The American culture breeds a "look out for yourself" mentality. So if we are going to start labeling things selfish then we better be ready to spend a great deal of time. Selfish isn't the point, hurting is. Frankly, I think its selfish to point the finger at someone who is desperate and decides to take their life and say "selfish" because my question would be, what are you doing to help those people?

We live fragmented, lonely lives. Sure we have thousands of Facebook friends, but when life goes south and its out of your control, who can we really turn to? Who is there to help us pick up the scattered pieces of our lives? I heard it once quoted by Fredrica Mathewes Greene that, "A woman doesn't want an abortion like she would want an ice cream or a Porsche, but like an animal caught in a trap, gnaws off its leg to become free." This reality can be said for many of the desperate choices people make to include suicide. We have an obligation to each other, and when people fall it is all of us who are to blame. If you want to know more about where my passion for this came from feel free to read my post, "Like Me." We obviously, can't make the decisions for others but we weren't made to be islands either. We need each other to survive. There are times when we do all we can for someone and it still isn't enough. Maybe you are a lucky one with a strong support network, but not everyone can say that. You can't be all things to all people, but if you chose to show up in one person's life you can make a huge impact through that one life.

People like bullet points so here are a few steps all of us can take.

1. Choose to be Selfless - Thinking beyond ourselves is a choice. We must first decide if we even want to attempt living life for anyone else.

2.Take a time out - All of us have environments we frequent often: work, the gym, the golf course, a bar, church, etc. Pause your routine and next time take note of the people around you, maybe someone that is in the peripheral.

3. Check In - Take a minute to connect with someone new, maybe its someone you say hi to every day but it never goes beyond that. Invite them to coffee or just stop and see how they are really doing. Showing someone you care, can make a huge difference.

4. Move In or Move On - Truthfully we can't make a connection with everyone and expecting to save the world all by yourself is a set up for burn out and failure. If you don't connect with someone, you made an attempt, move on and try it with someone one else. If you have connected in a surprising way, put yourself out there enough to get to know them. Allow this new person into your life. Relationships are baby steps so make sure to have realistic expectations.

5. Repeat - Whether it works the first time or not, the truth is if you choice to continue to live this way, it will change your life. Thinking of others is always a good thing.