What Are You For?

Caleb Kaltenbach was supposed to be at a conference I attended in May to lead a couple workshops,  but some issues with his airplane kept him from making it.  His story sounded interesting so I was looking forward to hearing from him.  I wandered the speaker bookstore and decided to get his book.  I started reading it on vacation last month and it truly hasn't disappointed!

While the Christian world debates homosexuality, Caleb comes in with a different perspective.  He grew up with gay parents.  He spent his growing years attending Pride parades and encountered Christians who pedaled in hatred and was taught how horrible Christians really were.  Caleb agreed to attend a Bible Study with the intention of giving hate back to those who hated him and his family.

Instead he encountered Jesus, and discovered the Christians he'd encountered weren't the same as the Jesus the Bible talked about.   When he became a Christian and decided to go into ministry, his coming out experience (in reverse) wasn't met with enthusiasm.  His book, "Messy Grace - How a Pastor with Gay Parents Learned to Love Others Without Sacrificing Conviction" is a wonderful story chalked full of sound advice to the Christian community of 2018.  The first few chapters have more underlined than not, and while I don't think my struggle is loving people that are different than me, I learned a lot from his perspective.

One of the sentences I underlined in Caleb's book was:

"our church should be known for what we are for, not what we're against." (page 2)

While this isn't a new thought, it definitely gave me pause.  Yes, its easier to get up in arms about the way things are done wrong, but jumping to what we are against while easier causes more damage that standing for what we are for.   Caleb further says, "Unfortunately, some Christians have used the Bible as a weapon to bludgeon those who disagree." (page 8)

Do you know what is at the heart of war?  Its not hate - its fear.  Fear is a powerful emotion and it leaves wisdom, kindness and love out in the cold.  Fear makes us do crazy things and many Christians live in a world different than what they believe it should be and they are scared.  I think that have a right to be.  Look at the history of the world.  Jews were killed because they were Jews.  African men and women were sailed around the world and sold as slaves, and even in our country because of one's skin color, men and women were beaten, raped, sold, tortured and murdered.  Christians are scared they are next.  Unfortunately, when we push back in fear out of protection, we often do to others what we don't want done to us.

Learning more about where someone is coming from is always a benefit.  I don't think we are ever going to make progress in shouting from opposite sides of issues as to why the other side is wrong.  This model of behavior (now newly improved on the social media newsfeed) only builds walls - it doesn't provide bridges.  We have to be okay with disagreement as along as its communicated and acted out in respect and love.

Today in my reading of the Bible, I was encouraged that when Peter was called to tell Cornelius about Jesus (Acts 10), and then was confronted by Jewish believers because he ate with a Gentile, that they were excited that God had made a way for all to have a relationship with Jesus (Acts 11).  It was different than what they knew because Jews and Gentiles were distinct and often opposing people groups in the days of the Bible.  God built a bridge and his followers were excited.

The Bible also tells us the world will know we are Christians by our love. (John 13:35) That just isn't the case today.  We are known for what we are against not what we are for.

I am for all people being able to have a relationship with God.  I am for treating others with love and respect.  I am for people finding allowing Jesus to heal their wounds from life.

I am not saying we give up our convictions and do away with rules.  I am saying lead with love.  Share what we are for and meet others you disagree with in a relationship so that you can discuss solutions to problems (like immigration, abortion, gun control...) that take the concerns of both sides into consideration.

The point is when we care more about proving a point and being right we miss the boat.  No one is listening when they feel you don't care.  Stop proving your point and love the person you couldn't imagine loving.  In loving them you will see something you didn't before - them.  It may not change your stand but it may change how you communicate it.  If I am for people and for loving people, I will start there.  What are you for?  My exhortation for you today is to examine your actions, words, social media posts, and ask what is my current behavior communicating?  Do you stand out for what you are for or what you are against?  Are there changes you need to make?  No better day than today to do it!  Let's be "for" together!

Redefining Hero

Life truth: none of us can control what happens to us in life.  The truly inspirational are those who take the trash they are given and make a beautiful treasure.  (I really don't like lemons to lemonade because lemons really aren't that bad, heck my son eats them plain).

I was amazed a few weeks ago as I watched a man who had lost a leg in an accident and decided not to let it get him down.  He began training for America Ninja Warrior and blew everyone away with how far he made it down the course.  That is triumph.

Not every obstacle is physical and sometimes the hardest to navigate are the ones that no one can see.  Let me introduce you to my friend, we will call her Mira.  Mira discovered a little over three years ago that her husband was having an affair and it wasn't his first.  She found her life instantly changing as he announced he was done and didn't even want to try to work it out, despite their children and many years together.  Can we be honest, this happens more than just to my friend, Mira, doesn't it?! Its easy to tell poor Mira to suck it up and move on because this is reality in 2018.

That didn't happen.

Mira allowed God to reveal areas where she wasn't giving her all to her marriage, but also to HIM.  Mira took a look at herself and decided to meet God in the midst of life.  She leaned into God and discovered a new relationship she had yet to encounter.  I can tell you, she is a different person today.

We hear a lot from Christians on their disdain for the unBiblical life of homosexuals in our world, what we don't hear is their distaste for things like having sex outside of marriage, living with a sexual partner you aren't married to, and divorce itself.  All of those are also wrong, according the Bible.  We aren't allowed to pick and choose, we believe it or we don't.  We don't get to say, "Well, this is my struggle, so I will let this slide, but this over here is yours so I get to stone you with your wrong doings."  The Bible isn't a weapon and it doesn't just state right and wrong but how we are to love in the midst of life.  That often gets forgotten, but I digress.

Mira took her calling seriously.  She committed her relationship with her husband to God.  It was amazing as I watched her prayers create and change things that everyone said were impossible.  Now, I'd love to tell you she and her husband are back together loving each other and God, but that isn't the case.

Mira still believes.  She still hopes in God despite circumstances. While so many would say she is foolish - I see the spiritual warrior that has emerged and it humbles me.  She has become my hero.  God gets the final say and just because the world says something is over, doesn't mean it is.  We don't know what will happen and honestly, that isn't the point.  We do know God is in control and he is working and Mira gets to see what he does at each step. 

Talking and praying with her has changed me too.  I see a faith we were all called to live.  I see the beauty she is creating for herself and her kids as she makes room for God at the helm of her life.  Mira sees that the true enemy is Satan and she won't give up on God's best.  She is fighting with spiritual weapons, the ones far too many of us have left on the ground in our feeble attempts to conquer our own lives.

What trash are you holding?  How can you give it to God, lean in to him and allow his love to change you and create beauty?


Exodus 14:14 says, "The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still." (NIV)

I hope you will see the hero inside of yourselves as you seek God in life and allow him to do his job.  A hero isn't always the one who comes in and saves the day - a hero is also the person who hands life to God and says, "What now?" The hero is the one that takes what life has given them and keeps going, refusing to give in to defeat! Trust me, you are worth more than the junk that keeps you down.  The details are different for us all, but the struggle is the same.  Please fight for yourself.  I'm here and I'm praying, so be the hero you were meant to be!!!

Dream With Me

I’m currently working on a book.  I have tons of books that are waiting to come out of me, but its taken me a long time to decide what my first book will be.  I’ve been writing all my life.  The beauty in that, is that my book isn’t comprised of fresh words from my heart and head, but a mixture of old and new.  Much of my book has been written over the course of my life - I now just have to piece it together. 

As I have combed through my earlier work, I have discovered some new truths about myself.  

I’m 39 years old and I still don’t know “what I want to be when I grow up.”  That has always troubled me because I feel like that answer should be an easy one.  I know who I am and how and why I tick so why doesn’t that easily translate to what is ahead?  I grapple with future goals and how I want to leave my mark on the world.

I think its a “D: All of the above” situation and while I have known a few of the answers D comprises, it wasn’t until today that something clicked with that final piece.  

A: I have a lot of talents so narrowing down is a challenge - knew that. 

B: I love things that are outside of the box so finding my workspace isn’t as easily defined - knew that.  

What I didn’t know surprised me.

C: I couldn’t dream of what I wanted to do because my dream was to escape the crazy train life and just be normal.  That isn’t to say I wanted to be like everyone else, I just wanted to be someone who didn’t have to fear daily life.

I was a girl who lived scary circumstances and that reality replaced future dreams of career with future dreams of normalcy. 

When I look at option C, I realize, I’ve already passed that test and attained that goal.  Life isn’t perfect and it isn’t always pretty.  There may not be a literal white picket fence in my front yard, but I live in a nice home, with a husband who loves me and three wonderful kids who share the other rooms of the house.  I have a relationship with an amazing God, am supported by a great community and there is always food on the table (usually enough to share).   I have what I dreamed to one day have.  

So its time for a new dream. Its time to explore the possibilities.  

What about you? What are your dreams?  What's getting in the way of those dreams?  I don’t know if you are old enough to know who Mama Cass is, but I can close my eyes and hear her voice singing, “Dream a little dream of me..”  

Dream (and sing) with me. Be sure to share them with me - I want to hear them!!!  

Two Kinds of People

I sat in church recently and just gazed at my son sitting next to me.  I am in awe sometimes of who he is because even though my husband I had part in making him, he grew in my body, I birthed him and we have raised him since then - he is his own person.  As parents we help him grow but part of that journey is discovering who he is.  At the end of the day, God made him. 

I pulled him close and whispered something into his ear that I wanted to share with you. 

There are two kinds of people in this world.

1. People who want to discover who you are and get to know you.

2.  People who judge you and try to make you something they want you to be. 

Show love to everyone, but make sure the people you spend time with are people in the first group.  Be around people who want to know you, instead of the people who tell you who to be.  That can be hard in our world, where people say they are individuals yet put their energy into being just like everyone else.  Yet being ourselves is necessary for personal happiness, holiness and freedom.  God made us with a purpose and the world is suffering if we aren't being ourselves.  God may transform us more into his likeness as we seek him in relationship but that comes from the freedom of living in the shoes he placed us in. 

I didn't end the lesson with that point because I felt it imperative I finish up the lesson by adding - you also need to be the first person.  Its easy to judge people, but its harder to dig deeper and find out who they are and what makes them tick.  Doing so is worth it.  Deeper relationships happen through authenticity.

Last night I was at a local summer book club.  We are reading through, "UnAshamed" by Christine Caine.  One of the discussion questions was something like, "Do you hang out with people with the goal of friendship and fitting in or for respect?"  As we discussed, we noted as teens and young adults our aim is often to fit in and be accepted, and its not until we get older that we realize the importance of being respected.

Dr. Henry Cloud shares in his book, "Changes that Heal," that true bonding isn't possible without proper boundaries.  Respect is a part of that.  We can't get close to people who don't respect where they end and we begin.

Do you foster relationships that bring healing to your life and bring out the best in you and others or do the relationships in your life bring about pain and unhealthy conflict?

We get to choose how we want our lives to be - well, at some level. Too often we complain about the things we can't control and passively accept the circumstances and people we have a say about.  I'm not advocating mistreatment of others, instead, I am encouraging you to be and be around the first type of person I listed above.  Show love to the second time of person but keep your emotional distance.  They need to learn to be the first type of person and you can model it for them by being the first person.  We all deserve the best relationships, do you have those in your life? What are the biggest obstacles you face in being the first person? I'd love to hear from you!  Happy Wednesday!

Having It All

When we think about having it all, we often think of having the perfect spouse and kids, perfect job, great car, dream home...you get the picture.  Today, I read a post from a local acquaintance who shared a photo of her porch after someone had helped themselves to her bench and cushions during the night.

As I thought about this tragedy I realized, we have it wrong when we think about "having it all."

Yes, the person who took her stuff, now has a new bench set or the money from illegally selling it, but they left something on that porch that they can't get back.  When they made the choice to take something that wasn't theirs, they traded in their character for it.  They lost a part of themselves.  Sure, people who do these things usually lost those things a long time ago, but who we are is more important than the possessions or accolades we acquire.

I'm sure many of us can agree with that statement, but I can tell you when I yell at my kids for accidentally breaking something in our house - the disrespect I show in response to a mistake is sending a message that things matter more than they do and that is not a message I want to send.

Truly, having it all is accomplished by character building experiences and self-denial as we love those around us.   The things in our heart, the people we are, that is what we take with us when we die.  So grabbing for what belongs to others so we can have it, isn't doing us any favors.

Matthew 6:19-21 (NIV) 

“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.  For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

Some of you might be asking, "How does this apply to me? I don't steal stuff off people's porches?" But how many times do we put things before character or before others?  How often do we do things to be liked someone else or to fit in?  If we miss out on being ourselves, we are being robbed of that gift.   This lesson is for all of us in some way.  Maybe its to have compassion for the person stealing because they have got the aim of life all wrong.  Loving people the way Jesus did means caring for them without conditions.  Yes, Jesus expected people to stop with the destructive behavior but he loved them first.  Love is what drew them to him and in that love he spoke truth into their lives.  When we care for people we understand the lies they believe that have led them to where they are now.  It doesn't mean we let them get by with bad behavior, it just means we look beyond the offense and see the person.  Can you imagine the better world we would have if everyone did that?  Where are you off the mark with how you live your life and have it all?  What are you grabbing for that isn't yours in the first place?  I'd love to hear how this truth applies to your life - you may be able to teach me something!!!  Happy Wednesday!

Unrequited Gratitude

Its no secret, I am one sentimental gal!!!  I'm also pretty silly so I stay balanced.  When I left Doulos Ministries in 2002, my parting gifts were a giggle and rock because of my infamous laugh and a box of tissues because I am ALWAYS CRYING! Its true, I cry a lot.  I'm not sad all the time, I cry in times of joy or just when my heart is so full it just can't take it.  I'm this way because I am a feeler.  To be more specific I'm an ENFJ on the Meyers Briggs test, a Sanguine/Choleric in the four temperaments test and a Helper on the Enneagram test.  Just in case you wondered.

I get that not everyone is like me, but I know I'm not alone - some of you are feelers like myself.  That is why last week when I talked about saying goodbye, its a big deal to me.  Moving a lot hasn't helped me, I just feel tied to a lot of people in a lot of places.

So why am I telling you all this?

Because all those people in all those places mean something to me.  I was posting a photo of a friend early today, as we had our last get together before she and her family moved.  I was all of a sudden taken down years of memories with them person.  Then I was overcome by overwhelming emotion.  I felt this gratitude for what she had added to my journey.  She had been a sounding board, a confidant - a friend!

Tonight on the other side of the country, people gather to say "thank-you" to a pastor and his wife after they retire following 38 years of ministry at their local church - a church, I grew up in.  This pastor was also a part of my journey.  I can remember sitting in his office in 5th (ish) grade as he counseled me through some very difficult times.

When I look at all the people over the years who have deposited amazingness into my life its wonderfully mind-boggling! Every little drop of love has filled my heart with joy!

Yes, there have been people who have hurt me, and brought pain into my life.  Yes, I have had to work hard, pray hard and lean way into God to get past it all, but despite all that, the kindness, sacrifice and love I've been shown far surpasses the pain!

What about you?  Can you think of all the people who have encouraged you, supported you and just plain been there for you over the years?  Maybe its time to tell people what they mean to you.  I think its high time I do!  In the state of the world where suicide is rising at alarming rates, as seen this past week with Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain leaving this world as a result of suicide, I am reminded to share the love.  I am reminded to stay in community and be proactive in my relationships.  I don't want to let the opportunity to let people know their impact, pass by unrequited.

God made me with a purpose, but he used a lot of people to shape me into the woman I am today.  You never know how someone's otherwise everyday actions can have lasting impressions in your soul, until that one comment stays with you forever.

I have had a few people message me or text me letting me know something I wrote on here encouraged them, and that actually means something to me, because I can begin to question whether or not I should keep writing each week, so thank you!!!

Let's start talking about what matters and let people know how much you appreciate their part in your life.  Don't be surprised if you hear from me, though it may take some time because I have a lot of people to thank!!!

Time to Say Goodbye

Just before my junior year of college at TCU, I flew out during Summer Break to a city called Visalia, CA.  My parents had just moved to Visalia from El Paso, TX.  Transition was upon us as my dad retired from the Army and traded his parish church on Post as a Chaplain for a civilian congregation as a pastor.  I remember driving to a gated community as my stepmom showed me the beginnings of what would be their home.  It was a new subdivision and their's was one of the first homes going up.

In the interim, they were staying at a mobile trailer with my two sisters on the ranch of a family at the church my dad would be the pastor of.  The Johnson's were kind enough to host us and I lived in that trailer with them during my visit.

I had no idea I would move to that same city just a year and a half after graduation.  I had no idea I would move into the guest house in that home that was being built, and I had no idea I would be a youth pastor at the same church my dad pastored.  None of those realities floated in my thoughts about the future.

Here I am eighteen years later, having lived in Visalia myself for over fifteen years, watching on as I stay here with my husband and kids, working the same job that had me moving here all those years ago as my parents say goodbye.

My dad is retiring from the church and the two of them are moving to Texas, this time near San Antonio.  While my dad's last day as Pastor isn't until September 30th, their home has sold and they find themselves in the same place they started: back on the Johnson's Ranch in the same mobile home.

Yesterday, they sent this picture as the last photo in front of the house that had become my home as well.  It is time to say goodbye.

Truly, I am not ready.  While I spent my childhood and young adult years traveling and going between homes and states and even countries, Visalia is the place I've lived the longest.  I have become used to working with my dad and living less than two miles down the road.  I've gotten accustomed to having them at every holiday and all the little moments in life in between.  I have watched on as my kids have fallen in love with their grandparents and giggle at the prospect of seeing them several times a week.  I love the joy in my son's face to have his grandparents there for special events at school and my heart is broken at all of that going away.

But here I stand in reality and life is changing once again.  It is time to say goodbye.

Yes, I may be more sentimental than most, but I am not the only one on earth that struggles with emotions about reality.  The best thing I can do and you can do as well is process those emotions.  Ignoring them or rationalizing them away doesn't actually make them go away.  My parents have a great house being built and there will be new adventures ahead but I can't just trade my sadness for joy like a can an item at Target.

Processing emotion also doesn't mean moving and staying put at that emotion for life, instead its exploring and experiencing with the intent to move on.  This is an emotional season that I want to work through so when it is over, its over.  I hope you are able to be present in your life.  Be honest with your support network about where you are and allow others to help you on your journey.  This too, shall pass!   Happy Wednesday and I'd love to hear your emotional journey.  Send me a message or leave a comment!!!