Do You Have Hashtag Guilt?

If you are new to my blog or don't know much about me, you may not know when I was 18, the summer before I started college, I had an abortion.  It was a decision made out of fear, and I spent a lot time rebuilding my heart and life after that choice.  Since finding my own freedom after abortion, I spent years walking alongside others with similar stories to lead them to hope as they struggle with their own past mistake. Despite my ability to help others, I try not to be the "abortion girl" - mainly because I’m so much more than that and even though I have a lot to share about that experience, its not what defines me. 

Trust me when I say, when it comes to my past abortion, I have found freedom.  I have walked healing in this place in my life, have spoken in front of crowds countless times and have had conversations with many people and am completely able deal with the issue of abortion without being re-traumatized, but I am also a testimony to the fact that no amount of healing can undo what I did in a Pennsylvania abortion clinic in the summer of 1997. There are many facets to pain, like the layers of an onion, and as we trek on in life, we can discover ways in which our past connects to us today.

Abortion wasn’t a time machine that made me unpregnant, and our choices when we are young can have lasting ripples into adulthood.  This place of pain has allowed me to help a lot of other people navigate their hurt from a past abortion, and while 99.9% of the time, that choice doesn’t haunt me, there are still moments, usually years between, when I am impacted and experience grief. It is a place of remembrance in my heart and a loss that will always be.  

I love my six-year-old son.  He is the best!  After 5 years of trying to get pregnant, followed by a miscarriage, I was pretty excited when I had my baby in my arms.  I thought he’d be it until we were surprised with my now, two-year-old, baby girl.  I love that I have one of each because they are both my favorite.  I can say, you are my favorite son or favorite daughter on the planet without any competition.  I see a lot of hashtags out there on photos and posts and even use some of my own - hashtags like: #FavoriteChild,  #FavoriteDaughter, #FavoriteOldestSon,   (okay, you get the point), and maybe this is dumb, but sometimes I feel guilty for my posts labeled with #FavoriteSon.  I feel guilty because Caleb isn’t my only son.  He’s just my only living son.  

To be fair, I didn’t know if the baby I chose to abort at 18 was a boy or a girl, because I wasn’t far enough along to have that medically answered, but in my heart I’ve always known he was a boy, and his name was Tyler.  He’s been a real person in my heart since the day after my abortion.  Making that choice is my biggest regret.  As I enjoy my two beautiful kids and my two beautiful bonus daughters, I hate that he doesn’t share in our fun (and craziness).  I sometimes feel bad saying #FavoriteSon because I feel like I’m leaving someone out.  As a girl who had her rejected phase, I'm sensitive to leaving people out. 

The truth is, Caleb is my #FavoriteLivingSon or #FavoriteSonOnEarth.  I miss my Tyler and he’s my #FavoriteSoninHeaven  and I want him to know I love him even though I’m sure in heaven, he’s just fine.  The depths at which I love my kids just seems to illuminate the joy I denied myself by rejecting the gift of Tyler almost 20 years ago.  

I bet I’m not alone in my journey of mourning the life I took for granted as a teenager.  Maybe you never had an abortion, but you have a past decision or experience that marked you in a way that stays with you?  What are the ways your adolescent choices affect you, even now? 

We can't live in our past, we were never intended to do so, but to deny the reality that our choices will affect us for life, is a dangerous mistake.  We need to be intentional to let God into our past so that we can walk in freedom and be wise in the way we walk out each day.  I know I couldn't do life with my Savior Jesus Christ and if anyone is looking for some hope, he is definitely the answer!  I am praying for those who read as I know, life gets real, and know I am writing from a sincere heart and a place of understanding.  God bless you this week! 

Planned Parenthood & My Two Cents

When I was 18, I had an abortion. As a post-abortive woman, I have been asked about my response to the recent release of the Center for Medical Progress (CMP) undercover videos of Planned Parenthood. The callous nature in which Planned Parenthood Directors discuss the illegal sale of dead babies' body parts doesn't surprise me. Why? 

  1. Planned Parenthood is Rooted in Eugenics 

 According to the Merriam Webster dictionary, eugenics is “a Science that tries to improve the human race by controlling which people become parents.” Margaret Sanger, the founder of Planned Parenthood, was a eugenicist, against procreation for minority groups, those with mental and physical disabilities or a family history of serious maladies. Eugenics creates a slippery slope when you seek to answer questions such as: who can have children and who is qualified to make that decision? This history and motivation provides a negative filter on the aim to truly help those in need. 

In one of our earlier episodes of Life Report, a pro-life podcast I used to co-host, we discussed another undercover investigation which recorded conversations with people posing as racists openly wanting to donate funds to provide abortions earmarked solely for black babies. That request, which is heinous, to say the least, was not only accepted but was greeted with an excited response from one Planned Parenthood employee. 

 2. Abortion is Priority, Not Helping Women In Need 

Yes, some women choose abortion, suffer no coercion, speak no regret and would make the same choice if they had to do it all over again. Over the years counseling women who have suffered through the trauma abortion awards them, I have discovered the majority of women don't fit that profile. I have heard stories of women who visited a Planned Parenthood clinic, had an abortion, went home only to suffer physical complications and when they called or returned seeking medical help, they were turned away and ignored. I've heard even more stories of women who were fine physically but were plagued with immediate regret and they too were met with silence from Planned Parenthood. I did not have my own abortion at a Planned Parenthood, but did go in to discuss my pregnancy and was basically told I had to abort. Other women have told me about being forced by parents or a boyfriend to have an abortion and no one at the clinic stepped in on their behalf when they voiced desire to keep their baby. 

Beyond my own scope of interaction with post-abortive women, other undercover investigations have demonstrated cover-ups of potential sex trade and statutory rape. I recently heard a story where a woman details her experience with Planned Parenthood in 1993, as she was a young married mother of one, and needed a quick 'certification of pregnancy.' Her lack of insurance brought her to a Planned Parenthood. She tells of the intake worker telling her the timing "was ideal for making a decision" regarding her pregnancy, to which she was adamant she was keeping. They then charged her $47 for the urine test! 

Planned Parenthood states in their pie charts and related research through the Alan Guttmacher Institute that abortion only makes up 3% of what they do. Personally, I am not okay with 3%, but is it really 3%? A second look at the numbers seems to show a different picture. 11% of their clients obtain abortions, 14% of their income comes from abortions; they are the leading abortion organization doing around 27% of our country's abortions and just over 90% of their pregnant clients receive an abortion. Those numbers mean more to me than just 3%. 

Planned Parenthood applauds in their Annual Report their efforts to fight abortion stigma. The more literature and websites I read connected with Planned Parenthood don't reflect an organization that is Pro-Woman or Pro-Choice, but instead Pro-Abortion. 

The goal regardless of your view on the topic is helping women, right? Fredrica Matthewes-Green hits the nail on the head when she states, "There is tremendous sadness, loneliness in the cry, A woman’s right to choose.’ No one wants an abortion as she wants an ice cream cone or a Porsche. She wants an abortion as an animal, caught in a trap, wants to gnaw off its own leg." 

Even if they don't regret it, like I regret mine, abortion is not a pleasant experience. If you got to choose between a massage or an abortion, I can guarantee most would choose the massage. When women are left with a choice, the choice they really want is to be unpregnant. Abortion isn't the solution to make that a reality, you would need a time machine to accomplish that feat, and a time machine isn't available. Is the goal abortion or doing what's best for women? I vote for what's best! For that to happen we need to listen more and offer support as they seek what's best.  

3. Following the Law Is Negotiable 

If you have clicked on some of the links I have provided above, you will note that Planned Parenthood employees often coax their clients on what to say to get the services they seek. Instead of reporting illegal cases that walk through their door or denying donations that promote racism, they press forward even if what they set out to do breaks the law, using verbiage that sounds like compliance. The 5 videos that now expose their profit in "specimen" sales demonstrate their finesse in crossing the legal line.

How can we say its not a viable life when we are selling actual body parts for profit: liver-thymus, arms, legs, neural tissue, kidneys? Even if you were pro-choice in certain circumstances can you still back Planned Parenthood with the 5th video revealing yet another despicable fact. When a intact "specimen" is requested Planned Parenthood cannot use chemicals in the chance of damaging organs and has to birth a live baby before eliminating life for the purpose of profit.

The question I am left with is why Planned Parenthood? Why does our government fund Planned Parenthood? I understand they are funding services other than abortion, but surely there are other organizations that help women or grants that could be infused with funds to help low-income women receive services they need that doesn't include abortion.