If you are new to my blog or don't know much about me, you may not know when I was 18, the summer before I started college, I had an abortion. It was a decision made out of fear, and I spent a lot time rebuilding my heart and life after that choice. Since finding my own freedom after abortion, I spent years walking alongside others with similar stories to lead them to hope as they struggle with their own past mistake. Despite my ability to help others, I try not to be the "abortion girl" - mainly because I’m so much more than that and even though I have a lot to share about that experience, its not what defines me.
Trust me when I say, when it comes to my past abortion, I have found freedom. I have walked healing in this place in my life, have spoken in front of crowds countless times and have had conversations with many people and am completely able deal with the issue of abortion without being re-traumatized, but I am also a testimony to the fact that no amount of healing can undo what I did in a Pennsylvania abortion clinic in the summer of 1997. There are many facets to pain, like the layers of an onion, and as we trek on in life, we can discover ways in which our past connects to us today.
Abortion wasn’t a time machine that made me unpregnant, and our choices when we are young can have lasting ripples into adulthood. This place of pain has allowed me to help a lot of other people navigate their hurt from a past abortion, and while 99.9% of the time, that choice doesn’t haunt me, there are still moments, usually years between, when I am impacted and experience grief. It is a place of remembrance in my heart and a loss that will always be.
I love my six-year-old son. He is the best! After 5 years of trying to get pregnant, followed by a miscarriage, I was pretty excited when I had my baby in my arms. I thought he’d be it until we were surprised with my now, two-year-old, baby girl. I love that I have one of each because they are both my favorite. I can say, you are my favorite son or favorite daughter on the planet without any competition. I see a lot of hashtags out there on photos and posts and even use some of my own - hashtags like: #FavoriteChild, #FavoriteDaughter, #FavoriteOldestSon, (okay, you get the point), and maybe this is dumb, but sometimes I feel guilty for my posts labeled with #FavoriteSon. I feel guilty because Caleb isn’t my only son. He’s just my only living son.
To be fair, I didn’t know if the baby I chose to abort at 18 was a boy or a girl, because I wasn’t far enough along to have that medically answered, but in my heart I’ve always known he was a boy, and his name was Tyler. He’s been a real person in my heart since the day after my abortion. Making that choice is my biggest regret. As I enjoy my two beautiful kids and my two beautiful bonus daughters, I hate that he doesn’t share in our fun (and craziness). I sometimes feel bad saying #FavoriteSon because I feel like I’m leaving someone out. As a girl who had her rejected phase, I'm sensitive to leaving people out.
The truth is, Caleb is my #FavoriteLivingSon or #FavoriteSonOnEarth. I miss my Tyler and he’s my #FavoriteSoninHeaven and I want him to know I love him even though I’m sure in heaven, he’s just fine. The depths at which I love my kids just seems to illuminate the joy I denied myself by rejecting the gift of Tyler almost 20 years ago.
I bet I’m not alone in my journey of mourning the life I took for granted as a teenager. Maybe you never had an abortion, but you have a past decision or experience that marked you in a way that stays with you? What are the ways your adolescent choices affect you, even now?
We can't live in our past, we were never intended to do so, but to deny the reality that our choices will affect us for life, is a dangerous mistake. We need to be intentional to let God into our past so that we can walk in freedom and be wise in the way we walk out each day. I know I couldn't do life with my Savior Jesus Christ and if anyone is looking for some hope, he is definitely the answer! I am praying for those who read as I know, life gets real, and know I am writing from a sincere heart and a place of understanding. God bless you this week!
No comments:
Post a Comment