Why Parenting Is So Hard!

I think anyone who has kids, of any variety, knows parenting is HARD! Don't get me wrong, it is also amazing!! Becoming a mom awakened a part of me that didn't exist before.  I am in awe of these mini-people who fill my life with frustration and happiness of equal and epic proportions. 

But why is parenting so hard?  That is a bigger question than this blog post could ever answer, but the answer that is currently resonating with me is because of what our kids reveal in us.  Even though kids are unique, they still reflect the best and worst of us, as parents. 

My son is just like me so finding the parallels of my personal issues in his behavior has never been hard, but my daughter is another story.   When I found out my youngest was a girl, I cried. I cried because I wanted a boy.   

At the time I didn't fully understand what was happening in my soul, but as I've been her mom, I see now it was fear.  I was afraid to be a mom to a girl, because I was afraid to look at parts of myself I was subconsciously avoiding. 

As God has walked with me into the darkness of my hidden self-loathing, I have faced my fear of not being enough in being her mom. 

Let me be clear, I love my daughter and I wouldn't trade her for the world.  I also welcome the journey of self-discovery that raising her has led me on.  I am one who wholeheartedly believes, the best life is one that is free from past junk! Despite the pain of facing my inner demons, I am eager to be baggage-free. 

But all of this just enforces the challenges of parenting.  We are humans in process, after all.  Having to do everyday life and then be sent the unexpected self-awareness curveball through your child's behavior is downright, overwhelming!   You never know when your child will playback your greatest fears and worst habits in their tantrum about homework, or be hurt by a friend and be crushed in a way you remember happening when you were younger.  What is that one thing you hate about yourself?  Seeing it in that face you'd die for or wish you could rescue them from your flaw you despise  - is terrifying!    We can't stop our kids from being like us - human or from getting hurt. 

The good news is, we aren't alone and God has a plan.  He will use every ounce of our good and bad parenting to shape their character and purpose and to heal our past in the process if we let him.  Some of my favorite traits were birthed out of the hardest challenges I faced, so I have to allow my kids to do the same.  When I look at this in reverse, I can tell you, I know my parents faults, but I love being like them in spite of those traits. 

How great is God that he uses our kids to draw us out of our comfort zones and allows us the space to grow in our relationship with him, self-awareness and desire to heal?! 

As I am reading Job right now in the Bible, I am reminded how often we feel the need to give advice when what we really need to do is offer encouragement.  Sure advice is necessary at times, but we don't have all the answers so engaging others like we do, isn't always helpful.  Job had three friends with loads of advice, but failed to give him what he needed - someone to remind him, he wasn't alone and to encourage not to give up. 

So here I am, letting you know - you aren't alone, so don't give up!  If you need more relational time, make space in your schedule to spend time with people - face to face, so you can grow your friendships and take care of your soul.  Keep going - God is bigger than whatever you face.  Ask him to show you just how big he is, then stand back and watch!!!  Happy Wednesday! 

What My Tears Don't Mean

I felt inspired by an article my friend shared on Facebook.  The article was about helping a friend after the loss of a baby.  As I read the author's words, the sentence below struck me. 

"Of course I might cry when you bring it up in the grocery store. But of COURSE I want you to acknowledge what Sheryl Sandberg calls “the elephant in the room” – in my case, the fact that my baby has died."

You see, I haven't lost a baby recently, and while I can identify with all this article shares after my abortion twenty-one years ago and my miscarriage 7ish years ago; it was actually the bit on crying that gave me pause. 

I am a crier.  It is crazy the way people respond to my show of emotion.  I get it, its awkward and if my tears are in response to the real-life trial I just shared with you, I usually give voice to the awkward, but I am not apologizing for those tears. 

Why? 

Crying is normal.  Pretending it isn't, is what is not normal. 

My tears in response to life don't mean:

1. I'm weak

2.  You should leave me alone

3. You should just restrict our talks to butterflies and Kardashians.

4. I need you to fix my problems


If I trust you enough to share my heart with you and be vulnerable, then swim in the awkward with me.  That is the path to true relationships. 

When I preached two weeks ago, I said the following which I whole-heartedly still agree with:

"Truth, authenticity, vulnerability and humility, birth - compassion, kindness, patience and true relationships."

We live in a culture that is zapping the true, authentic vulnerability out of our existence and we are lacking a compassion for those around us and a necessary connection as a result. 

Sure its hard to sit in silence with someone who's facing grief, or hug a friend when you aren't a hugger, but the things that really matter, typically are hard. 

This truth doesn't just apply to me, it applies to us all.  In the past few months, I grieved with friends going through divorce; friends at a funeral of a loved one.  I've talked with friends walking in grief from the loss of a mother, friend or child and just got a call last week, that my sister's friend abruptly passed away.  I have family battling cancer and friends who kids are also warring against that evil disease, I have friends who lost a job and are not sure what will happen, and friends struggling with depression or substance abuse. 

Crying is a way to process our hardship and feelings. Crying is a healthy expression of emotion.  Sure there is a time and place for everything, but when in the company of friends and family, we should all feel safe to share our heart. 

Let's be real, and give others the space to do the same.  Life is hard enough without having it have it all together and pretend we are all good, when we aren't. 

 

• Do you need to give yourself or someone in your life space to cry? 

• Do you need to swim in the awkward without having to have all the answers or make someone feel bad for their ability to show up in the conversation? 

Go be a friend and a listening hear, offer a hug and let people be where they actually are, even when its uncomfortable or stop pretending you are okay when you are truly struggling.  Being real is where the journey begins.  God bless your week!

Three Things That Annoy Me About Prayer

I am a Christian.  I believe Jesus was more than just a man.  I believe he was and is the Savior of the world.  He came to not only give us life but take out our enemy and give us what we needed to defeat him.  Our enemy is real.  I believe prayer is a powerful weapon.

Its one often ignored and many who claim to be a Christian don't honor the power of this weapon.  When we come against injustice, we use our mouth to speak up, and that is amazing, but it can't do all that prayer can.  Because of the power of prayer there are three things when it comes to prayer that really annoy me.

1. De-valued Greeting 

When you pass someone on the street, "Hi, how are you?" has become the standard greeting, rather than a question.   The auto response is always, "good, and you?" No one is really asking how you are - your presence is merely just being acknowledged. Honest answers are only okay in a more intentional setting like over coffee or lunch. 

Prayer requests have become the passing salutation in the Christian world.  People often say, "I will pray for you," but it rarely ever goes past that.  When we say we will pray, we need to actually spend time talking to the father about that person, their life and God's purposes for them. 

Honestly, if we prayed for everyone we said we would, I'm not sure we'd have time for much else.  Luckily, if you become a person of prayer, you will soon find, while you do need quiet time to pray, prayer is also a good multi-tasking job.  I can pray for people as I pass them on the street or stand in line hearing the heartache in their exasperated pleas with their children.  Prayer is a beautiful way to find connection in this world and we are selling that blessing short when we just post a praying hands emoticon and feel like we've done our spiritual duty. 

2. Mimicked Fortune Teller 

I have been to Christian churches of all varieties and see benefits to the stoic practices of groups like Lutherans as well as the more demonstrative practices of denominations like Assemblies of God.  We can experience God in a variety of ways and I love the balance I get from the spectrum.  I don't speak in tongues often in public (like maybe a few times total in my life), but do I use this spiritual tool in my solitary prayers often.  I am not offended or freaked out when I hear others utilizing this gift, yet some certainly abuse it.  This abuse is not okay.  I have had people pray over me that don't know me.  Some have prayed a surprising prayer that definitely echoes the heart of God and speaks to their strong connection with the Almighty.   Others have prayed and I experience just the opposite.  They begin to get this word from God that is completely NOT GOD! 

I recently had someone pray for a body part that has no issues and I could see them look for non-verbal feedback to that prayer and when my body language did not confirm the accuracy of that prayer they tried to re-speak it in some spiritual terms.  I immediately felt off-put by their seemingly forced spirituality.  Others go to praying folk as a way to get answers like prayer is some sort of fortune telling.  It is not and that is not its purpose.  Prayer is connection with God and he does speak to us in prayer but he isn't going to give you the winning lottery ticket numbers or let you know what your dead aunt is doing.  If you see someone treating prayer this way, run, just run!

3. Powerless Scrip

I have no problem with written prayers.  There is a time and place for it.  Like I said before there are many ways to connect with God and utilizing those when appropriate is a blessing, however, prayer is at its core, a conversation.  We are speaking to an All-Powerful God who is also our father and an ever-present guide in our lives.

The main purpose of Christianity is relationship.  So I get annoyed when I see people constantly reading prayers and have no ability to just communicate with God from their heart. If you had a friendship that you interacted with by reciting pre-written conversation points, it wouldn't be a close relationship and probably wouldn't last long.  I call my friends or meet up with them and we just talk about life.  That life adds to the strength of our relationship.  I do pray scriptures when I talk to God but I am connecting those to the real-life happenings of my life or the lives of others.  We lose the power when we just read prayers and don't have that open, heart-felt, real communication.

Don't miss out on all God has for you in the area of prayer.  Praying out-loud with a group of people can be scary but its something we should practice doing so we can grow in comfortability, because if someone comes to us for prayer, taking the time to pray with them can be a HUGE blessing.  However,  most of our prayer time should be one-on-one before God.

BONUS TAKE-AWAY 

New to prayer?  Here are 3 things to help.

1. Start small: take 5 minutes in the morning, on your lunch break or before bed to just tell God about your day or about the things that have you stressed in life.  Ask him to take those burdens, and invite him to meet you in that place.  Allow God to train you.  As you become more confident you can make that time longer.

2. Practice praying silently throughout the day.  When you see someone hurt or hear an ambulance nearby, pray God healing.  When you see someone stressed out, ask God to relieve their stress and train them to run to Him.  The opportunities are endless in our world.

3. Train yourself on Prayer.  Do a word study in the Bible (search out all the scriptures that have the word prayer or pray in them).  Find resources that teach on prayer.  I just found a great devotional by Ann Spangler on Praying the Names of God.  That is a great way to learn about God and prayer, but there are a ton of Christian books out there on the subject.