Are You Listening?

Often when I begin to write from my life in this blog, I find myself faced with this same feeling - inadequacy.  

God told me a long time ago, that for me to be used in the places of my life to help others, I had to be a human sacrifice. I had to put myself out there in an effort to give others permission to do the same.  Exposing myself is hard, especially on days like today, when I already feel vulnerable.  

I know I must share what is behind the curtain instead of giving advice as an expert who has it all together.  I am not a broken women, but I am a real human being who has gotten a few bruises and scrapes as I’ve walked through the years.  I have seen victory and joy as I’ve conquered obstacles in front of me, but I am still in process.  I am still working through the junk that I face and as I gain the skills to be a healthy individual, I not only have to apply it to my life today, but also to the skeletons in my closet.  Those things have got to go! 

When I shared my iceberg awareness a few weeks ago, I didn’t yet know what that was.  Since that post, I have started to watch it take shape as I move through the emotions that battle within me.  The iceberg is in fact, the broken child inside of me.  She is begging to be heard and even though it scares me to listen.  I have chosen to give her my attention.  “Getting Noticed” by Lindsay Teague Moreno alerted me to a researcher, storyteller and author - Brené Brown and her book, “Rising Strong.”  Reading this book has given validation to a lot of the emotions and realities I have been processing lately.  

Her encouragement to get curious about your emotion has allowed me to delve into the dark of this place I have avoided for 30 plus years.  I now know why certain upcoming change in my life has evoked such powerful emotion.  The emotion doesn’t match the situation because my broken child is screaming at me with wounds from the past.  Im now swimming in the deep end and examining all the questions and lies that she is screaming - 

“You aren’t good enough” 

“If you don’t make everyone happy, you won’t be loved.” 

“You aren’t worth being loved.” 

“You will never overcome this.” 

“What could you possibly offer anyone else.” 

“You will never be good enough”  

There is this fear that if I go there, I will get stuck in these emotions and even though my head knows the truth, the feelings will never go away.  What’s frustrating is often when I share these emotions with others I get blank stares in response as if no one else understands these deficits.  I get pity as if “poor Carrie is just so damaged.”  But in “Rising Strong” and in her TED talks, Brené shares that that list of lies that my emotions run too when I am hurt, are the core emotions felt by most people.  Not only am I not alone, I am in the majority.  So why are so few people talking about it?  Why does my voice seem to be calling out to the crickets?  

Either people aren’t even aware of their inner voice and the connection their ignored pain has with their failures in life or they are shoving it down hoping it will go away, afraid to even give validation to the common ground we share.  

I have realized that many of my unfulfilled dreams have been a result of my inability to jump out into the unknown because of the paralyzing fear of the lies above.  Well, enough of that!  The time has come to face the giant within and take it down.  God has not given me a spirit of fear (2 Timothy 1:17) and as I come against the lies I have allowed my emotions to echo, the truth will set them free (John 8:32).  

So now its your turn.  Can you begin to get curious about your emotion?  Do you need to awaken them?  Can you begin that process?  Healing is something God has offered all of us. His love is bigger than our greatest pain.  He will not fail you.  Can you take a step in that direction?  Comment below or message me via Facebook or Instagram and let me know your story.  I'd love to hear it! 

Broken Child

When I was in high school, I went on a tour of Israel with a group of adults, led by my dad, as the Army post Chaplain.  The trip was truly remarkable! Beyond the Biblical sites we visited, our trip included some time at the Holocaust Museum. There are so many profound moments I can recall from that one place, but the one I will share with you today involves a statue on the property.  

It is the statue of Yanush Korzack surrounded by a mound of children, in honor of his work with kids.  As I stood before it and took it in, I heard God say, “Carrie, that is you.”  I felt in that moment that God gave me my mission in life to rescue children.  Honestly, it wasn’t something I fully understood in that moment, but have come to unpack its truth throughout my journey. 

Many years later, I was at a local camp during a women’s retreat leading a workshop over the weekend on, “Healing from the Pain in your Past.”  After the workshop, I stood and spoke with a few women as they were unpacking the pain in their hearts.  In that moment, I heard from God again - this time he said, “Some of the children you rescue will be little girls inside grown women.”  

What an amazing revelation?!  Have you ever seen someone share about a trauma in their childhood?  It doesn't matter their current age, its like they have transformed right before your eyes as the pain they carry has transported them to that exact moment years ago.  You can almost see that child before you.  

People are amazing to me, yes, we can stereotype and categorize and use those things to find commonalities and guess at how we will respond in certain situations and yet, being human means we are all unique, we can deviate from our norm at any time without known explanation.  

Two people can go through the exact same crisis - one will be crushed, another will use it as fuel to climb the next peak in life.  No matter what we see on the outside, we never really know the narrative that plays out in someone's heart and head. 

This profound truth struck me again tonight as I watched the latest episode of, “This Is Us.”  We can go on with life, find success and see our dreams revealed and yet no matter what, that child inside of us still lives.  Parts of us remain broken, unless we are intentional to fix it.   We can keep going and growing even with the brokenness remaining inside.  It resurfaces from time to time depending on the triggers we encounter, but it doesn’t go away.  

That is one the biggest lies we believe about our past - if we ignore it, it will go away.  It doesn’t!  

We have to be rescued or choose to rescue ourselves.  That is why I am passionate about helping people explore those broken pieces and allow God to lead them on a journey to put them back together.  We don’t have to live with the broken child, or broken adolescent inside of us our whole lives.  Sure, it will always be our story and affect the way we live but it doesn’t have to disable our thoughts, feelings and actions.  Living with the internal pain, despite the outward success, is unnecessary.  There is freedom.  

What does the little child inside of you need?  How can you be brave and examine what you most fear to face?  That, my friend, is the first step, but one we all must take if we want to live in freedom.  

Benefit of Brokenness

Today, I was scrolling through Facebook and came across a post from a childhood friend.  Like me, she has been through her own trauma in life.  She now gives back to her community in her daily employment.  Reading her post about a new realization about herself as she researched how people process trauma in life, got me thinking as well.  

I will be the first to tell you.  I am a hot mess.  I am a sweet, loving woman with a big heart and a good head on her shoulders, but I also battle anxiety daily as a result of some of the experiences I have walked through.  I struggle with anger and yelling and keeping my cool in areas of personal and societal injustice.  i am at times overly empathetic and can face depression when I look too deep into the hearts of the hurting.  I am also resilient.  When I fall, I get back up and keep going.  

I have also come a long way.  I have never been one to shy away from personal betterment and have sought to face my inner turmoil instead of hide from it.  I believe in a big God and often invite him into my mess to help me overcome one more of my issues.  I’ve slowly learned to trust and jump into life in spite of the fear.  I have allowed my heart to heal from pain its felt along the path of life.  

Despite my imperfections, I am better because I was broken.  

Its like the bubble of a “good life” leaves this protective shell over us.  That shell keeps us safe but it also leaves us self-focused and generally unimpacted by what is happening around us.  

When I was broken, I was hurt.  With intentional focus, counseling, prayer, Bible study, support groups and a great community of friends and family, my broken places have been mended, but in the process my shell was shattered.  I am now gifted with an ability to empathize with people in the midst of hardship or their own pain.  I am able to walk with people in genuine relationship and offer real love to a world that needs it.  Jesus is my Savior and the ultimate example in love and sacrifice.  He has shown me how a walk through hell can bring a bit of heaven to others.  

Romans 5:8 - But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

There is always a flip side to every trial we face.  Often the benefits aren’t realized until we have some distance between us and the trial faced. It is too much to ask someone in the midst of a storm to see the rainbow.  In the midst of a storm you must stay safe and protected not look out at the rainbow coming.  

But if you, like me have walked through a few storms in life, and are now living outside of that past experience; it may be time to see just how special you are as a result of surviving.  You may need to face some pain and allow those wounds to heal, but once that has taken place - see how that trial has transformed you into a crucial solution to the agony people around you undergo.  

What has your broken bubble given you in a perspective that can touch someone else in a real way?  What is your next step?  Be intentional with your life, don’t just roam aimlessly with the remaining years you have on this earth.  

I would love to hear from you, what is next?  What unique perspective do you offer this world?  

Its worth it, I promise!