A few weeks ago we looked at what we were thinking. Did you do the exercise? One of the biggest hurdles to change is passive living. We go about our day without thinking why something triggered a negative response or emotion, or not even paying attention to how we engage with the world around us.
Taking internal inventory is necessary to moving forward. Having a mind full of good thoughts means you first must evaluate the reality of your thought life as well as what you want your thought life to be. When we talk internal inventory, we have to often look at why we do what we do.
You will often hear people give an onion metaphor. Each layer reveals a new layer. Or let's mix it up and go with my own metaphor - the artichoke. Its work to eat an artichoke but can be fun (if you like them). As you eat the meat of each leaf, you get closer to the heart of the artichoke, which is my favorite part. Its tender and delicious!
That is a lot like life. As we engage in internal inventory, we discover new or deeper parts of how something affected us and why we do what we do.
I have always worked on tackling my own issues because I don't want them to rule over me, but as I do so I discover new layers.
A recent reality tv show I was watching shared about the term "parentified child." I immediately paused the show and began searching articles online and immediately had an emotional moment. The concept behind the term, "parentified child" wasn't new to me, but I hadn't seen some new layers as they were reflected back at me in the articles I read. In my younger years as I peeled away the artichokes leaves of my life, I had a hard time really looking at certain issues without it hurting me, but as I have tackled the pain and how I defined myself along life, I have been able to step back and look at it with more of a clinical perspective and make the adjustments needed. This time it hit a nerve and I was full of emotions. I had to start asking questions. You can do this too.
1. Start with Your Senses - How did you feel? What did you see? Hear? Smell? Taste? Taking a tour through each of your senses can aid you in a full understanding of how a past experience impacted you. It doesn't have to be some massive trauma. Each of us are shaped by the world we walk through and understanding that allows us to see the connections in our current reality. Understanding gives us the tools to recorrect where we need to in our current lives.
My husband makes biscuits and gravy for our church men's group every Friday morning. He always saves me some, but typically, I get them cold or reheated and not fresh from the oven. One morning I was up early and I grabbed a biscuit fresh from the oven and I was transported back to the early elementary years when I lived with my grandpa. We lost him several years ago, and just eating that hot biscuit gave me a moment with him again. We don't often know what sticks with us, until we encounter something similar. Going through your senses helps us to know how we have attached to the memories or moments in our past.
2. Examine the Take-Away - Delving into the "parentified child" opened my eyes to my helping ways. I am a Helper on the Enneagram. I love serving people, and I do it out of the kindness of my heart. I realized that I can go to an unheathly place in helping, when I neglect myself or my family for the sake of helping others. I saw for the first time its roots in this new term.
My mom is a wonderful mom, but we hit some hard road along the way when I was a girl and even though she masterfully cared for us, she often leaned on my as the oldest for emotional support. I saw how I had a gap as a result. Its no judgement on my mom, honestly, if I faced all she did as a single mom, I don't think I could have done half as well as she did, but we are humans after all. I saw my years helping support my mom and sister kept me from checking in on me and learning where those boundary lines should be.
3. Find the Balance - If you are learning from your life and asking the Holy Spirit to guide you as you go, you will find that you have probably walked too far down one side of the road and you must find the balance. Doing the examination isn't unspiritual and its not living in the past, instead its learning from the past so you can move forward without bitterness or baggage. I think most of us have areas we are stuck and these kind of reflections can get us unstuck.
So what does all of this look like for you? I'd love to hear from you. God is good and he is good to guide us through our issues, if we let him. He created us and knows us best, so I find letting him guide is best. Happy Wednesday! Join me next week (also next month) for a whole new theme.
This month we will look at processing hard emotions. If you know me at all on social media, you know this last week my life got turned upside down. My 4 year old daughter, out of no where, started seizing. She went into a comatose state until the EMT's arrived, then started seizing again. When she got to the ER, she experienced respiratory failure. She was transported to the Valley Children's PICU and we were then transferred to the Discovery Wing when she got out of PICU. She is now home and we start the process of meeting with a neurologist because we don't have answers yet, but that isn't the point of this post. The point of this post is triggers.
Do you know what a trigger is?
Its that thing that brings up a memory or past experience, often ones that were difficult.
Not only was this past week challenging for us emotionally, physically and financially, but it was also a source of triggers.
1. My husband's oldest had some issues as a baby to include some epilepsy and is special needs. He went through a lot with her, medically speaking, in the beginning of her life. His second daughter was discovered to be diabetic in her pre-teen years while she was on a trip with us and the youth group of our church. She was careflighted to Valley Children's and was in the PICU for some time. So to be in the ER with a 3rd child was filled with all kinds of triggers. Triggers can often bring back fears and memories as if they just happened, even if it were years ago.
2. My friends showed up at the ER to support me and drove with me up to Valley Children's. The one that sat with me in the car, lost her almost two-year old several years ago. As we talked I knew this was triggering all kinds of past memories for her. She lovingly told me it was okay, but I know her support for me took courage.
3. As we were being transferred from PICU to Discovery, I was taken back to over ten years ago when we walked these same halls with my stepdaughter - triggered.
4. Another friend messaged me, full of emotion with what we were facing because she had been in this same hospital with her son, fighting against some physical issues they face. Triggered.
5. I've talked with several mamas who have faced similar issues with their kids and some of them shared emotions with me that revealed they too were triggered.
Triggers happen all the time. We never know when one will hit. A women walks through a crowd and smells a cologne, the same cologne as her grandpa, that passed away or the same cologne of her attacker in college. That smell might instantly take her back to a memory, a place or a moment.
Someone talks to you in a way that an adult talked to you as a child and whether or not they mean the same disrespect can trigger defensiveness or pain. All of us have our own triggers. They may just be different from others. Some we learn to anticipate and protect ourselves, others take us off guard and can put us in a vulnerable state.
So what can you do?
1. Identify you are being triggered - Being self-aware is a great gift and if you aren't great at it, start practicing. Ask yourself what are you feeling at any given time and what is triggering it. When we practice self-awareness, we get better at it. Then we can know what triggers us and when its happening. Understanding ourselves, our past, and how we engage with triggers and the world around us, helps us to be prepared in life.
2. Take a moment to process - Okay, so if you are in front of a classroom or boardroom and something happens that triggers you, you might not be able to take a break, but if you can, do it! Excuse yourself to the restroom or take walk. Do something to allow yourself the space to feel what is happening and get control before moving on.
3. Reframe - The brain is an interesting muscle in our body. Like a filing system, our brain will file like experiences and emotions together. If a situation feels similar to a bad past experience, the brain may group it together and it could trigger past pain. That doesn't mean it needs to stay grouped together. Taking a minute to evaluate if the situation is actually the same will help you to refile. If they are similar than it may be time to draw some new boundary lines in the relationship.
4. Create Rules - Set yourself up for success next time that trigger comes along. Decide what to avoid and what to be ready to reframe. We can't live a trigger free life, but we can know, that as a mom who's lost a baby, being on social media or out in public on Mother's Day may not be a good idea. If we have been through trauma, then going to see a real-life dramatic movie about those particular circumstances, may also not be a good idea. We can learn to protect ourselves.
As a note in closing, being triggered is not a sign that an issue is unresolved. Even though I live without daily grief or guilt from my past abortion, there will always be events that will trigger a grief response to the loss of my child and the regret surrounding that experience. Resolving past pain happens when we are able to do our day-to-day lives without that pain affecting us, but if that is a camp you live in, maybe its time to see a counselor or process a part of your past with a friend. What are your triggers? Share them with me, I'd love to hear them.
