Fake Care

We’ve all heard of fake news, well today, I want to talk about fake care.  I think its only appropriate to discuss this topic as we close out a month of self-care discussions.  So what is fake care?  Its the stuff that looks like self-care but is cleverly disguised and actually something very different.

Fake care can come in a few forms - addiction, avoidance, distractions, and over-indulgence just to name a few.  Often the things that make up fake care aren't bad in and of themselves but in how you use them.  A tool in the right hands is a great asset, but a tool used inappropriately can cause harm and even be a weapon.

So what exactly am I talking about? I'm talking about the things you do that keep you distracted from doing what you need to do, that will inevitably cause you stress later,  or avoiding hard things by doing other things that just keep you from facing life.  I"m talking about unwinding in ways that go too far and create unhealthy patterns and addictions.  Let's have a few examples:

Time on your phone (okay I'm talking about me here) - I use my phone for work.  I check emails, update social media, text, call, sell, buy etc, but I also scroll too long and play games when I have stuff to do.  Doing that isn't wrong but when I neglect my to-do list for the never-ending scroll, we have a problem.  When I choose to play phone games instead of having my necessary time with God, I am not talking care of my spirit, and I need that for the rest of me to function.  Taking a break from life and playing a fun game on your phone or checking in on your friends can actually be good, but too much time becomes a problem.

Tip: Set limits or time for those phone stuff.  Set a timer if you need to, to help you be time aware.  You can also earn more screen time (just like your kids have to), do something on your list, earn time on social media etc.

Television and YouTube - Television has always been my guilty pleasure.  I can get lost in a show or movie.  My son inherited that from me, so you have to yell or get right up on him or me to get our attention when we are engrossed in a show.

TV is great after a long day to just unplug and relax.  Family movie night is also a lot of fun but seriously, when one show turns into binge watching and before you know it, you've accomplished nothing and its time for bed, you have a problem.  This can be an avoidance behavior.

I am prone to getting overwhelmed when I have too much going on and just check out instead of getting it done.  Taking a break, again, is good, avoiding and being irresponsible is not.  Only you know when you are using television (or whatever for you) to avoid a challenging emotion or lengthy project.

Tip: Just like phone time, setting limits can be a great way to tame this beast.  Maybe you need to delete a few of the shows you tape or unsubscribe to a few YouTube channels.  That show on Netflix you are dying to watch, limit the number of episodes you will watch at once.  If you can't follow your rules, then its time to get someone to intervene.

A glass (or 12) of wine - Again, a nice glass of wine can be great, but too much is an addiction not an enjoyable way to unwind.  This could also work for that piece of cheesecake that turned into 8 slices. Enjoying a dessert is great, but going on a calorie, sugar spree is harmful to your body.  That my friends is fake care.

Tip: Find a substitute non-alcoholic, non-caffeine replacement - something that helps you and can get you re-focused on life.  Find a friend to hold you accountable.  Make a rule, you only have one drink out with friends, no alcohol in the house for awhile.

Enjoy life, take in the beauty and take care of your mind, soul and body.  Understand your value and invest in you, but don't use that as an excuse to go too far!

I recently faced an unexpected emotional issue when a part of my past, I thought I was done with, came at me from left field.  I took a few days to ignore it and honestly, I needed to, but then I had to face it, talk it out.  Depending on your set of circumstances, that might mean a coffee talk with a friend, or it might mean a counseling appointment.  Deal with your emotions, they are there for a reason and counseling with the right counselor (there are bad ones out there or even just ones you don't jive with) can be just what you need.

Self-aware is the best friend to self-care and being able to hone your self-discipline so those two work well together is a recipe for a better you.  Are you using the things above or your anything else you do (time with friends more than family, a good book that takes your whole day, going to the gym more than you should...) to avoid life, overindulge in guilty pleasures. Are you in the middle of a socially acceptable addiction or do you need more discipline to avoid common distractions?  Move toward self-care not fake care.  You only get one shot at life and its never too late for a fresh start.  Go be the best you!

In Need Of A New Perspective?

I have an ever active two-year-old in my home at this stage in life.  

She is beautiful,
sweet,
loving,
smart and
totally ornery!   She is into EVERYTHING!!! (Please Note: Despite this last characteristic, she is amazing!) 

Because of her tendency to pull everything out and toss it about, there are subsequently a lot of activities that don't happen for me or in our home right now.  Despite this reality, I recently decided to put together a 1,000 piece puzzle.  It took me about a week and while a challenge at first, in the end it was very rewarding. 

I remember in the process, picking up a piece knowing it belonged to a particular section but still struggling to get it to work in the right place, only to notice I was looking at it sideways or upside down. 

Other pieces had to be set aside because they were in a section that was all one color.  I had to wait until the end when I had less pieces to put in so that I could try each piece until I got them all arranged. 

I realized afterwards, that this experience was a great allegory for life. 

We often get frustrated when something doesn't go as planned, but often the way everything goes ends up being the best because we have a God with a plan.  It also illustrates the power of perspective.  Perspective truly is everything.

I recently finished a book (Have A New You By Friday by Kevin Leman) where he shared a great example on the power of perspective.  He discussed an addict who after 2-3 weeks clean, had a relapse.  In that moment perspective can either propel him into action to get up and go for it again or push him into a dark abyss where he feels hopeless to ever be clean.  He can acknowledge that he made it 2-3 weeks and be encouraged that he has done better than ever before and will make the right adjustments to start again, or he can beat himself up for failing and just stop trying because all he is a loser anyway. 

Bullying is a hot topic these days and with all the ways social media can be abused to torture others, it can quickly turn into a serious matter.  As a 38-year-old who grew up before computers were oxygen, I never experienced the levels kids can today, but as I look back to that pre-adolescent time when I was going through a personal hell at home and coming to school to get bashed for my body, family or moral compass, I can now see the benefits of that bullying.  You heard me, right, benefits.  I can see it now with the proper perspective. 

As a youth pastor I am around a lot of teenagers.  I don't just spend time with teens I know, but I also go onto campuses and through myself into situations where I know no one.  Thanks to what I felt in those early years,

I now am highly intuitive to the emotions of others,

I have an exquisite radar for noticing the alienated and

using my conversational skills and quirky affect to pull them out of hiding. 

I have a deeper compassion for the pre-adolescent and adolescent stages because of my varied stations among the proverbial social ladder.  There was a time when I was popular and well-liked by my peers, but that only came after my time as a social pariah. 

Every bad situation has a great perspective (though some don't come with instant understanding).  In fact, let me be clear - telling someone going through a hard time to look at the brighter side, will earn  you a kick in the teeth. 

The use of perspective is not to use as a weapon to tell a parent who just lost a child that they are in a better place.  Perspective is for us to utilize in order to find joy where life has us.  In grief and tragedy, time is often an ingredient to help with perspective. 

But how can you use it now?  Can you take Kevin Leman's example and apply it to your own life?  I recently got angry and threw something breakable.  It shattered to the floor and I started crying.  That is how I used to deal with anger and it has been over 10 years since I have done anything like that.  In that moment I felt like the addict who fell off the wagon, but Kevin's book helped me to see, while I relapsed, I have come a long way and I still have a long way to go. 

I need to use perspective to:

1. Encourage myself and shed light on the positive

2. Motivate myself to overcome obstacles in life

3. Rally other close friends to remind me to keep on the proper perspective path

Sometimes life does suck, but sometimes its all in our perspective and we can move forward when we re-position our thoughts. 

Let me leave you with one of my favorite quotes as encouragement in your perspective journey:

"A failure is NOT someone who fails, but someone who stops trying."  Jerry Bridges

You got this! Don't give up!!!