Resetting Life Expectations

Life is hard, isn't it?!  I feel like I was always looking for the time in life when it would be easy, but even in this amazing stage of life I find myself in, I am still struggling with challenges.  I wanted the white picket fence, the perfect family, house, etc.  Here I am living it and its just not the problem free reality that I envisioned and desperately hoped for as a girl.

Don't get me wrong, I love my life, but where along the way did I pick up the notion that the good life was a perfect life?  Where did I gather in the info that a problem-free existence was possible.  I've been a Christian all my life, and I've studied the Bible, but does it say that anywhere in that book?  No, in fact, it says just the opposite.  We are told about the problems of life.  It shouldn't be a surprise!

John 16:33 
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart! I have overcome the world."  

Its no accident that John 15 comes before this verse.  John 15 talks about God as the vine and us as the branches.  He discusses the vital truth of being close and connected to God to grow and thrive.   We need this truth in order to survive life. 

There was a time in my junior high days that the first chapter of Jeremiah struck me with a nugget of truth. Read part of it with me: 

Jeremiah 1:4-10 

The Call of Jeremiah
4 The word of the Lord came to me, saying,

5 “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
    before you were born I set you apart;
    I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”

6 “Alas, Sovereign Lord,” I said, “I do not know how to speak; I am too young.”

7 But the Lord said to me, “Do not say, ‘I am too young.’ You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. 8 Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the Lord.

9 Then the Lord reached out his hand and touched my mouth and said to me, “I have put my words in your mouth. 10 See, today I appoint you over nations and kingdoms to uproot and tear down, to destroy and overthrow, to build and to plant.”

Now go back and look at verse eight.  Do you see that word, "rescue?"  God doesn't promise we won't go through the "terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day," or days as it usually goes in life, and he never promises the perfect, scripted life.  Instead he promises never to leave us or forsake us (Deuteronomy 31:6, Joshua 1:5-9, I Kings 8:57, Genesis 28:15, Hebrews 13:5)  and he promises to rescue.

Why does God promise that?  Because he knows when life is hard, we feel alone, defeated and inadequate. Jeremiah wasn't just some random guy having a bad day, Jeremiah was a prophet that God sent out to share his truth and love, knowing Jeremiah wouldn't be received with open arms.  He knew he would be treated badly, but he still sent him because God loves people and wants the best for them.  God also loved Jeremiah, which is why he assures him he will rescue him.

Often in scripture, God sent people on missions by giving the job description and then promising to be there.  He doesn't say it will be easy, he promises his presence, which means something when you are an all-loving, all-powerful God.  When God says he will do something, he will do it.  It doesn't matter if the promise seems impossible.  Man and God don't operate in the same realm.  He doesn't have our limitations.  In fact, our God didn't just send us, he also sent himself in the form of Jesus, who did everything he told us to do. He led by example.

Also, have you ever noticed the richest life usually comes as a result of the passage through the "terrible, horrible, no good, very bad" experiences?   The sweet life isn't being a Stepford Wife - in fact there perfect existence is in reality, no existence at all.  Messy life is the best life.

I can't finish this without reminding my Christian readers out there, that this Bible filled with people like Jeremiah doesn't just stop with the men and women in this book.  We have been given a mission.  Matthew 28:16-20 is God's mission for us.  Go read it if you don't know it, and if you do, go get reminded.  These promises are still for us today as we walk the same road that has already been walked.  As you struggle to love that woman that trash talked you, face cancer, stand up for truth in a loving way, share love with the homeless, listen attentively to that annoying talker, invite that friend to church or Bible study, be loving to a spouse that is on your last nerve and the list goes on, remember you are on a mission from God.

So what are the keys to a good life?  I think its pretty simple.

1. Know Your Mission
2. Know Your God
3. Enjoy the Beauty Amidst the Storms
4. Press On In Love

Maybe its time to throw out the childhood expectations you had for life.  I know I need to and re-calibrate what I am aiming for.  God will rescue you if you let him.  Being his means having a peace in the one true God no matter the circumstances, but it doesn't mean problem free. Sometimes I need reminded of that reality.  God loves me and he always has.  He loved the girl with the abusive stepdad, with all the baggage after divorce and abuse as much as he loves the wife and mom I am today.

Do you need to reconnect with God today?  Do you need to clarify your mission and get to know your God, your master, a little more?   Do you just need the encouragement that you aren't alone and you are seen?  Take this truth and keep on.  You are needed.  Happy Wednesday!  - Carrie

Reaching

Happy New Year everyone!

This year, I've decided to set themes each month - my essential oil classes, videos, and writing will focus around the themes (okay so I will probably share random thoughts as well), but I really want to aim at meeting the needs of the people I encounter in ministry, in business and in life.

This month, our focus is goals.  I started a Facebook group for women called, Women Together and my hope is to facilitate conversation and connection through the group.  We started the goal-talk discussion on there and later this month, I will be doing a local oil class centered around participant discussion on our goals.  Of course, we will talk them here too!

It might sound a bit expected and even cliche to discuss goals in January.  But a fresh start is great, even if its just a calendar doing so.  We are highly suggestive people and I do believe the hype of a new year can inspire us to go for it.

The problem is we often set lofty goals for ourselves and then get easily discouraged when they don't work out.

Listen to any goal-setting guru (I love Michael Hyatt, Seth Godin & Marie Forleo) and they will tell you goals need to be measurable. They need to set a long-term goal and benchmarks for how you will get there.

I found this photo on unsplash (one of my favorite websites for free photos to use)

It lingered in my mind because of the reach out into nothing.

That is what we often do.  I do think we need to dream big and imagine what could be.  What would you want your life to look like?  If your life was a basket what you want it filled with?  What is in it that needs to go?  These are questions that we should get into the habit of asking.  Move forward in life - don't settle for status quo unless status quo is what you want.

But if all we do is reach out into nothing, we will never have anything.  We must mark a plan for how we will reach that goal.

So here is my assignment for you and for me.

Write out your big cloud dreams - then decide how you can quantify that.

So if you want to lose 120 lbs, maybe you do that in the next 2 years.  Which means 60 lbs a year, which mean 15 pounds every three months.  So then you have to figure out calories taking in, which food choices, how much you will work out, when you will work out...dream big, but know it takes work and planning, but in the end its worth it!

The journey along the ride is also an amazing gift!

I'd love to hear from you.  What are your goals?  What is in your basket?  What have you always dreamed of but never gone for?  What is stopping you?

Are you excited for 2019?  Let's start this year with a dream and work the rest of the year to see how we can build it!

Meet me here next week!!! Happy Wednesday!

Mom Love

This post will be short and sweet and it’s dedicated to all my mom friends out there.

Today, like every other alternate Wednesday morning, I gathered with a group of moms to pray.  Its a great time to share our life with each other not for the purpose of gripping or gossip but for the purpose of coming together and sharing our lives, then praying for each other.

There are some of us that come each time we meet, and sometimes there are new faces at the table.  Regardless of who is sitting by me, openly sharing, I often hear the same messages (myself included).  These messages echo the following sentiment:

I'm screwing my kids up

I'm not enough

I'm a bad mom or a bad wife


You get the picture.  I don't think that thought life is only within the women I encounter.  I think many moms (and people) out there live with a replay reel that is similar to the messages above.  Truthly, those sentences JUST AREN'T TRUE.

Truth.  Being a wife and mom is hard.  Being in a close relationship with any other person is a challenge, especially under the same roof.  We will mess up - A LOT! Its inevitable, but it doesn't mean we are screwing up our kids, and that what we offer isn't enough to make a dent for the good.  

People will always have an opinion of how we do things, but opinions aren't facts and not everyone's opinion matters.  We have to train ourselves to filter out the messages that don't come from valuable sources.  The people that speak life into your life, those people may actually have something to say, but even with that, YOU get to be you.  NO ONE ELSE ON EARTH can be you.  So fill those shoes with pride.

Seriously, you are doing a great job.  There may be areas where you can hon your skills and refine your motherhood, but go work at it knowing that all humans have work to do.  Don't let those short comings define you - its only a piece of who you are and NO ONE is perfect - no matter what their Instagram might say.

Hug another mom. Pray for her.  Listen to each other over coffee because we really just want to be heard and seen by someone else.  Let's put down our judgemental armor and pick up each other's burdens.  Give some grace to someone today because WE ALL NEED IT! I know I do.  I know that boat I'm in is probably bigger than the Titanic.  Let's not sink, okay?  Let's help each other see those ice bergs and navigate around them.  Let's share some mom love!!!

This is a later post, because well, life got a bit in the way, but Happy Wednesday, or whatever day you read this.

Its Okay To Cry

The past few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster.  Tonight, I leave for a road trip with my friend as we celebrate our 40th birthday and last week I was at Disneyland.  The week before that I turned 40 and had a surprise gift in the arrival of my mom from my dad and stepmom! In that same time frame, I watched my dad preach his last sermon and then said goodbye to all three of my parents.  My mom flew back to Ohio and my dad and my step mom who have lived 2 miles or less from me the past 15 years are moving to Texas. Its been A LOT! I am an emotional girl so you bet I cried.  Its how I roll.  I feel and process emotions and that isn't changing.

The thing is I'm often embarrassed by my public displays of emotion and truthfully I don't need to be!

I was encouraged the other day in my Bible reading.  I came to John 11.  Its the story of Lazarus which I have read countless times, but in this emotional time of life, I found solace in verse 35, the shortest verse in the Bible - "Jesus wept." 

Jesus was friends with Lazarus, Jesus knew he was going to bring him back to life, but knowing he would see Lazarus in fifteen minutes didn't keep him from crying for a friend.

I hate when people tell me not to cry because at least they aren't dead or I'll see them again or whatever silver lining someone wants me to see at that moment.  I'm allowed to cry.   Guess what, so are you! Maybe you aren't a crier, but truth is you probably know one.  They will be okay.  Its okay to cry! Its more than okay, its actually good!  I've had people approach me wondering how I am and the truth is, I'm fine.   Processing emotion simply means I'm connected with my reality.  If we ignore our feelings, they don't go away, they get worse.  When we fail to process emotions they fester and come up when we least expect it emotionally and even physically.  Face reality - its a must for emotional, physical and spiritual wellness!

Thank you Jesus for the encouragement of that short verse.  Jesus loved and so he felt loss.  (Did you see the period there).  He didn't have to cry, because he was about to raise Lazarus from the dead, but he loved his friend, so he cried.  I stated that twice so you wouldn't miss it.

We can't live in emotions but we must process them.  Those are two different things.  Are you avoiding any hard emotions that you need to face?  Maybe you can find encouragement in John 11.  I'd love to hear from you!!!

Happy Wednesday!!!

You Can

Recently, I sat across from a woman I've known since before she was a woman.  We met under duress, as she has honestly, been avoiding me.  Her life isn't what it should be right now, and even though we live in the valley, the life before her is a figurative Mt. Everest and she hasn't been training, so to climb it seems impossible!

As I sat across from her and gave her a mix of straight talk, love and boundary-filled support, I realized her overwhelming reality, is something so many understand because life can be overwhelming. Even if our struggles are different the battle always seems to be the same. 

 The biggest battle isn't the challenges we face, its actually the one in our minds.  Our thoughts direct our path and following lies and negative self-talk only leads us down a dangerous path.  

We begin to follow thoughts like:

You've tried so long and haven't done it yet, you never will 

You aren't worth the effort 

You will never do it 

Don't even try 

No one cares if you just quit

Everyone is better off without you

Those thoughts are dangerous roads and they don't lead to anywhere good.

Trust me when I say, if you have a mountain to climb - you can!  You can't wait until you feel you can, because feelings lie! You have to decide what you need and make the plan to get there.  The feelings will come later.  

The reality is, if you are facing a life mountain, you might need some help.  Don't try to do alone what was meant for a team.  Those ideas that you have to do it alone only lead to failure.  Ask for help from trusted sources and let them help you.  

I believe in Jesus.  I have since the day I was 4.  I have come to know that the Bible is full of encouragement for us as we go down the road.  So here are few verses to help you, whether you believe in God or not, as you climb your mountain.

Matthew 19:26 - With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.

I John 4:4 - Greater is He that is in YOU, than He that is in the world. (Paraphrase)

I Thessalonians 5:11 - Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.

Isaiah 40:31 - but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 43:2 -  When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned, the flames will not set you ablaze.

God has got this!  Yes, you do have to do some work and retrain your thoughts and be intentional in all you do, but God will carry you.  In that I am confident!  

Start with the sentence - I can! See the victory in your thoughts and that will lead to victory in life.  If you quit in your thoughts, its already done, just put a fork in it!  So change that mindset, ask God for help, create a plan, lean into friends and start that journey! Don't quit - trust me, it will be worth it in the end!!!

Failure

As a woman with perfectionist tendencies, the word, "failure" is often a four-letter word in my world.  However, it shouldn't be.  Failing at things can be a lifeline if we know how to use it properly.  

When I fail at something I get a view into what doesn't work.  If I am intentional not to let it feed my identity and take the lesson its trying to offer, I can make necessary adaptations and re-aim at my goal.  

I am one who believes far too often we would be better served if we used physical metaphors to help us navigate emotional issues.  For example, when I trip and fall while walking down the street, I may give a sheepish, embarrassing look around as I get up and dust myself off, but I do get up, make the necessary adjustments, and keep going.  I don't sit and cry and ask everyone why I fell.  I don't stay there on the sidewalk for hours, days or years.  However, when I make a life misstep, I do find myself staying put in a fit, mourning my mishap.  Taking a clue from physical life tells me to get up, fix what needs it and keep going.  

Perfection is not and never should be a life goal.  Perfectionism doesn't lead to happiness, instead it leads to lifelessness! The last thing we want is a globe full of Stepford Wives  roaming around.  Where is fun in that?  Life, a full life, is messy!  

Jerry Bridges in his book, "The Pursuit of Holiness" shares a truth I often quote because it speaks to the heart of me, "A failure is not someone who fails, but someone who stops trying."  In contrast, Albert Einstein is often quoted as saying, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results." Both of these quotes can serve as bookends to the topic of failure.  

If we look at failing as the definition of being a failure, we will never succeed in tackling our goals in life.  We must view a failure as someone who stops trying and use that definition to propel us to move forward.  We must also be brave enough to examine those moments we fail so we can try someone new in our next attempt.  Doing the same thing over and over again (whether it truly was Albert Einstein who said it or not) is the definition of insanity.  We must change our approach, perspective, words, behaviors, response, or all of the above as we head out on our redo.  

Do you need a little grace today?  Are you too hard on yourself when you make mistakes?  Do you need to go out and fail so you can discover what it truly takes in making your dreams reality?  Getting good at failing will also show us that it has no barring on our personal value.  

Tripping on the sidewalk doesn't make me a horrible person, it just makes me human.  Missing that job opportunity, going bankrupt, getting dumped, failing a class doesn't make us bad people, it just means we are in fact, people! 

The one class in college I had to retake did cost me extra, but getting the grade replaced on my transcript wasn't the only reward.  I hated the first Sociology 101 class I took.  It was awful!!! When I retook it with a different professor at a different time, I found that I loved the class.  The curriculum was completely different and I learned some valuable information.  Had I let that "D" stand, I would have never had the great experience that came at the end of my failed first attempt.  

Can you think of a time that a failed experience led to a new beautiful reality?  Take some time and soak this in and allow it to change your perspective.  Is there a recent failed moment that you aren't gleaning enough from?  Have you let the failure stop you from trying?  Please hear me when I say, don't quit.  You can succeed and I'm guessing someone else needs this lesson from you.  Go get it!!! 

What Memories May Come

The human ability to remember is amazing to me.  All our memories and moments are stored in our brains and yet we can equally recall the past as well as forget sections of it.  I am in awe of what we actually remember and what gets forgotten.

I recently shared my car with a new friend who escaped an abusive marriage.  My heart has been open to her because of my own experiences.  Along this car ride she shared with me her story and it was heartbreaking not just because of the acts she was subjected to, but because of what it revealed about women and how they learn to cope with realities that should never be.

As she shared, I shared.  

The last time my step dad abused my mom was a big day and yet its the most menial moments that I remember most.  

What I remember most, once it was all over, was sitting in the hospital ER reading a People magazine article about what Kim Bassinger looked like without makeup.  That fact absolutely cracks me up because there was so much more going on and that is what I remember most!  But as I shared, it was as if remembering that trivial moment was a key to unlock other memories.  I then remembered Kurt showing up in the ER wanting to see my mom.  I was so upset that I tried to attack him and a nurse had to restrain me.  I was appalled that this man would show up to see the damage he had done.  Can you imagine this young teenage girl going after a grown man in a hospital waiting room? Bringing back those memories also brought back emotion.  I had to hold back tears as I drove.

I now understand why he did that, because Kurt wasn't a bad man, he was a hurting man.  He had himself been abused.  He carried a great deal of pain and when the emotion cleared I can only imagine the amount of regret and self-loathing that replaced the anger that had led to him hurting my mom, the woman he'd loved and married.  Regret is what brought him there.

Even though the recounting evokes emotion its also what helps bring healing.  I know God has healed my heart from those years.  I can say, as I have said before in other posts, I don't hold any unforgiveness or hatred toward Kurt because as I processed I saw his hurt, and my heart was able to not only forgive but have compassion for a man that brought pain into my own life.  If I had kept running from those memories that healing would never have come.

Truth moment - being moved to emotion or having feelings triggered does not equate to not having dealt with the pain.  Dr. Henry Venter, a counselor that specializes in Reproductive Grief, once told me the sign you have healed from a wound isn't in whether or not emotions can be triggered but in how it affects your day to day life.  Carrying a burden you can't let go of is one way to know you have to heal from it.  

I've encountered several women lately who are walking a rough road.  They are all, like me, at different stages in the process, but far too many of them are stuck in running away from the memories and emotions and its keeping them from facing up with themselves so they can heal.  Find a safe space to see what memories may come and allow God to heal those broken places.  My mom is an excellent example - today, she is a beacon of light to many women because she allowed God to heal  her and allowed God to use the challenges she's walked.  Honestly, she's one of my heroes (as is this women in my car) because as I stated before a hero isn't defined by what they face but how they respond! 

I may or may not know you, but if you are carrying a burden isn't it time to get help and find healing?

1. You can't do it alone.
2. You can't wait till you're ready
3. You can't worry about what others think
4. You do matter.

I promise you, you can overcome this (whatever the "this" is for you). I am not done in my overcoming journey because I had several things to overcome, but I have overcome too large obstacles from my past and it serves as a reminder that I can overcome the one I currently face.  If you aren't sure where to start, message me and I will happily help you find your starting place (a good counselor, support group etc).  God bless you this Wednesday.  Don't give up on your journey because you are so worth the fight!

Redefining Hero

Life truth: none of us can control what happens to us in life.  The truly inspirational are those who take the trash they are given and make a beautiful treasure.  (I really don't like lemons to lemonade because lemons really aren't that bad, heck my son eats them plain).

I was amazed a few weeks ago as I watched a man who had lost a leg in an accident and decided not to let it get him down.  He began training for America Ninja Warrior and blew everyone away with how far he made it down the course.  That is triumph.

Not every obstacle is physical and sometimes the hardest to navigate are the ones that no one can see.  Let me introduce you to my friend, we will call her Mira.  Mira discovered a little over three years ago that her husband was having an affair and it wasn't his first.  She found her life instantly changing as he announced he was done and didn't even want to try to work it out, despite their children and many years together.  Can we be honest, this happens more than just to my friend, Mira, doesn't it?! Its easy to tell poor Mira to suck it up and move on because this is reality in 2018.

That didn't happen.

Mira allowed God to reveal areas where she wasn't giving her all to her marriage, but also to HIM.  Mira took a look at herself and decided to meet God in the midst of life.  She leaned into God and discovered a new relationship she had yet to encounter.  I can tell you, she is a different person today.

We hear a lot from Christians on their disdain for the unBiblical life of homosexuals in our world, what we don't hear is their distaste for things like having sex outside of marriage, living with a sexual partner you aren't married to, and divorce itself.  All of those are also wrong, according the Bible.  We aren't allowed to pick and choose, we believe it or we don't.  We don't get to say, "Well, this is my struggle, so I will let this slide, but this over here is yours so I get to stone you with your wrong doings."  The Bible isn't a weapon and it doesn't just state right and wrong but how we are to love in the midst of life.  That often gets forgotten, but I digress.

Mira took her calling seriously.  She committed her relationship with her husband to God.  It was amazing as I watched her prayers create and change things that everyone said were impossible.  Now, I'd love to tell you she and her husband are back together loving each other and God, but that isn't the case.

Mira still believes.  She still hopes in God despite circumstances. While so many would say she is foolish - I see the spiritual warrior that has emerged and it humbles me.  She has become my hero.  God gets the final say and just because the world says something is over, doesn't mean it is.  We don't know what will happen and honestly, that isn't the point.  We do know God is in control and he is working and Mira gets to see what he does at each step. 

Talking and praying with her has changed me too.  I see a faith we were all called to live.  I see the beauty she is creating for herself and her kids as she makes room for God at the helm of her life.  Mira sees that the true enemy is Satan and she won't give up on God's best.  She is fighting with spiritual weapons, the ones far too many of us have left on the ground in our feeble attempts to conquer our own lives.

What trash are you holding?  How can you give it to God, lean in to him and allow his love to change you and create beauty?


Exodus 14:14 says, "The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still." (NIV)

I hope you will see the hero inside of yourselves as you seek God in life and allow him to do his job.  A hero isn't always the one who comes in and saves the day - a hero is also the person who hands life to God and says, "What now?" The hero is the one that takes what life has given them and keeps going, refusing to give in to defeat! Trust me, you are worth more than the junk that keeps you down.  The details are different for us all, but the struggle is the same.  Please fight for yourself.  I'm here and I'm praying, so be the hero you were meant to be!!!

Unrequited Gratitude

Its no secret, I am one sentimental gal!!!  I'm also pretty silly so I stay balanced.  When I left Doulos Ministries in 2002, my parting gifts were a giggle and rock because of my infamous laugh and a box of tissues because I am ALWAYS CRYING! Its true, I cry a lot.  I'm not sad all the time, I cry in times of joy or just when my heart is so full it just can't take it.  I'm this way because I am a feeler.  To be more specific I'm an ENFJ on the Meyers Briggs test, a Sanguine/Choleric in the four temperaments test and a Helper on the Enneagram test.  Just in case you wondered.

I get that not everyone is like me, but I know I'm not alone - some of you are feelers like myself.  That is why last week when I talked about saying goodbye, its a big deal to me.  Moving a lot hasn't helped me, I just feel tied to a lot of people in a lot of places.

So why am I telling you all this?

Because all those people in all those places mean something to me.  I was posting a photo of a friend early today, as we had our last get together before she and her family moved.  I was all of a sudden taken down years of memories with them person.  Then I was overcome by overwhelming emotion.  I felt this gratitude for what she had added to my journey.  She had been a sounding board, a confidant - a friend!

Tonight on the other side of the country, people gather to say "thank-you" to a pastor and his wife after they retire following 38 years of ministry at their local church - a church, I grew up in.  This pastor was also a part of my journey.  I can remember sitting in his office in 5th (ish) grade as he counseled me through some very difficult times.

When I look at all the people over the years who have deposited amazingness into my life its wonderfully mind-boggling! Every little drop of love has filled my heart with joy!

Yes, there have been people who have hurt me, and brought pain into my life.  Yes, I have had to work hard, pray hard and lean way into God to get past it all, but despite all that, the kindness, sacrifice and love I've been shown far surpasses the pain!

What about you?  Can you think of all the people who have encouraged you, supported you and just plain been there for you over the years?  Maybe its time to tell people what they mean to you.  I think its high time I do!  In the state of the world where suicide is rising at alarming rates, as seen this past week with Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain leaving this world as a result of suicide, I am reminded to share the love.  I am reminded to stay in community and be proactive in my relationships.  I don't want to let the opportunity to let people know their impact, pass by unrequited.

God made me with a purpose, but he used a lot of people to shape me into the woman I am today.  You never know how someone's otherwise everyday actions can have lasting impressions in your soul, until that one comment stays with you forever.

I have had a few people message me or text me letting me know something I wrote on here encouraged them, and that actually means something to me, because I can begin to question whether or not I should keep writing each week, so thank you!!!

Let's start talking about what matters and let people know how much you appreciate their part in your life.  Don't be surprised if you hear from me, though it may take some time because I have a lot of people to thank!!!

The Deception of Suicide

A couple of years ago, I wrote on the topic of suicide in the wake of Robin Williams' tragic death.  Every time I hear someone else has lost the battle with suicide, it breaks my heart.  Beyond the obvious reasons, it breaks my heart because I have contemplated suicide and I know that struggle.

 I fight thoughts that this world would be better off without me.  Please know, I know that simply isn't true.  That thought is a lie, but its one I grapple with in life.  I see my glaring flaws and think, "I'm ruining my kids, they would be better off without the damage I inflict on them."  I begin to think my absence wouldn't be noticed in our world.  These lies run through my mind and I have to be proactive about replacing them with true statements.  I have to tell those voices to shut up and nurture voices that echo my value as a person, in spite of my flaws. 

We can't stop fighting.  We must reach for what is good.  The Bible says in Philippians 4:8

 "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."

I used to think that was only about moral good, like the stuff I watched on tv, but its also about fighting against the lies our enemy births and we tell ourselves.

This weekend I attended a conference, "The Gospel & Justice." Joshua Ryan Butler discussed many issues in our world that Christians need to get involved in, but as he shared he shared about our identity.  It sparked further thoughts of my own. 

God made us with purpose, he loves us and seeks to see us live in freedom.  God isn't the only one that has an identity to give us. Beyond the general mission of our enemy that the Bible tells us about in John 10:10, to steal, kill and destroy, Satan has crafted a unique lie and correlating identity for us.  We can choose to accept it and crumble beneath its burden, or instead we can choose to reject it and listen for what God says, and embrace the abundant life he offers.

Satan tells me I'm not good enough, and that I am not worth much.  Satan whispers in the face of rejection that something is wrong with me.  Crazy, damaged, broken are all identities the enemy has handed me. 

God tells me I am enough the way he made me, and lets me know I am worth more than precious gems.  He shows me that I am worthy, strong, loving and healed.  God lets me see the love he wants to share through me.  I am gifted in loving others and seeing their souls.  I am gifted in drawing out the heart and touching it with the love of Christ.

Suicide is a deception.  Its believing that our faults define us and that our worth is contingent upon shifting factors.  The deception of suicide goes beyond a lying identity to another lie - the lie that we are alone in our struggle.  We begin to believe if we share our inner abyss, we will be rejected which just leads to emotional isolation. 

If the body of Christ teaches us anything, its that we need each other.  Yes, we need companionship, but having people in your life, you can be transparent with, helps protect you from the lies.  The deception of suicide is more than just the "not good enough" its also a deception that no one will understand and you must carry the burden alone. 

To overcome we also must share the burden with people we trust so they can help point us to the truth.  We are loved!! 

My latest bout with self-worth doubt ended in a very interesting way.  Not only did I hear the voice of God and my own mantras but I heard the voices of those in my life.  I knew they would tell me my value in their lives.  It was the shortest lie moment I've had and I saw victory in it.  I'm sharing this with the world to let you know if this is a struggle for you, you aren't alone.  Find the truth of who God says you are and lean into it.  Be intentional in relationships and find someone(s) you can share your inner heart with - set yourself up for success!

Why Parenting Is So Hard!

I think anyone who has kids, of any variety, knows parenting is HARD! Don't get me wrong, it is also amazing!! Becoming a mom awakened a part of me that didn't exist before.  I am in awe of these mini-people who fill my life with frustration and happiness of equal and epic proportions. 

But why is parenting so hard?  That is a bigger question than this blog post could ever answer, but the answer that is currently resonating with me is because of what our kids reveal in us.  Even though kids are unique, they still reflect the best and worst of us, as parents. 

My son is just like me so finding the parallels of my personal issues in his behavior has never been hard, but my daughter is another story.   When I found out my youngest was a girl, I cried. I cried because I wanted a boy.   

At the time I didn't fully understand what was happening in my soul, but as I've been her mom, I see now it was fear.  I was afraid to be a mom to a girl, because I was afraid to look at parts of myself I was subconsciously avoiding. 

As God has walked with me into the darkness of my hidden self-loathing, I have faced my fear of not being enough in being her mom. 

Let me be clear, I love my daughter and I wouldn't trade her for the world.  I also welcome the journey of self-discovery that raising her has led me on.  I am one who wholeheartedly believes, the best life is one that is free from past junk! Despite the pain of facing my inner demons, I am eager to be baggage-free. 

But all of this just enforces the challenges of parenting.  We are humans in process, after all.  Having to do everyday life and then be sent the unexpected self-awareness curveball through your child's behavior is downright, overwhelming!   You never know when your child will playback your greatest fears and worst habits in their tantrum about homework, or be hurt by a friend and be crushed in a way you remember happening when you were younger.  What is that one thing you hate about yourself?  Seeing it in that face you'd die for or wish you could rescue them from your flaw you despise  - is terrifying!    We can't stop our kids from being like us - human or from getting hurt. 

The good news is, we aren't alone and God has a plan.  He will use every ounce of our good and bad parenting to shape their character and purpose and to heal our past in the process if we let him.  Some of my favorite traits were birthed out of the hardest challenges I faced, so I have to allow my kids to do the same.  When I look at this in reverse, I can tell you, I know my parents faults, but I love being like them in spite of those traits. 

How great is God that he uses our kids to draw us out of our comfort zones and allows us the space to grow in our relationship with him, self-awareness and desire to heal?! 

As I am reading Job right now in the Bible, I am reminded how often we feel the need to give advice when what we really need to do is offer encouragement.  Sure advice is necessary at times, but we don't have all the answers so engaging others like we do, isn't always helpful.  Job had three friends with loads of advice, but failed to give him what he needed - someone to remind him, he wasn't alone and to encourage not to give up. 

So here I am, letting you know - you aren't alone, so don't give up!  If you need more relational time, make space in your schedule to spend time with people - face to face, so you can grow your friendships and take care of your soul.  Keep going - God is bigger than whatever you face.  Ask him to show you just how big he is, then stand back and watch!!!  Happy Wednesday! 

Are You Tempted To Quit?

I will be honest, I get tired of my own issues.  I work hard to be the best I can be.  I am always learning and growing but I still fail - A LOT!!!  My mom lovingly helped me recently to see, despite my lifetime battle with the same issues, I am making progress.  I rebound faster and when I fail its not the train wreck status it was in the past. 

January of this year I got hit pretty hard and wrote the following.  Unfortunately, I'm just getting around to sharing it with you.

I often feel unworthy of the words I write in this blog.  This past week was no exception.  After reading the mantras I needed to feed the positive in my thoughts, I found myself in my pit of despair speaking the lies I am fighting so hard to conquer. 

When I feel like an utter failure, like the one mistake God made, and when I hear myself question if I even deserve the life I live, I am encouraged to know I am not alone in this struggle.

My thoughts can often be my greatest battle.  Books have been written about the spiritual battlefield of the mind.  I am not just fighting for myself, but anyone else who battles the inner demons.  This is the first week of this new year and I've already fallen, but its not going to keep my down.

I don't know how you are starting your year off, but if its less than those sparkly ideals you envisioned, don't give up!  Remember, you aren't alone, God is speaking to you and working in you and he wants you to get up and keep going.  If my life can be an example of the ways God leads you down that path, then let it be.  Truth is I am not a failure, but I do fail because I am a human. 

When I define myself with my missteps I am doing no one any favors.  We are in a fight every day against the enemy and against our personal issues.  I have to keep fighting for myself and for the people that rely on me.

I don't know what you get up and face, but I do know you are worth the fight.  Change the script and begin to call out the thoughts that don't belong in your self-talk.  Speak life and truth and be the kind of friend to yourself that you would want to be to someone else. 

If you remember anything from these words, remember you are worth it.  Don't judge yourself by the number of times you fall on your face, but the number of times you get up.  You will get there, even if it takes 90 years.  Here are a few scriptures to give you encouragement today!!!

Deuteronomy 31:6 - Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the LORD your God, He is the one who goes with you.  He will not leave you nor forsake you. 

Psalm 55:22 - Give your worries to the Lord, and he will take care of you. He will never let good people down.

Ephesians 2:10 - God created you to do amazing things. (paraphrase)

Romans 15:13 - I pray that the God who gives hope will fill you with much joy and peace while you trust in him. Then your hope will overflow by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Psalm 46:1 - God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. 

Lamentations 3:22-23 - The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

3 Reasons Why You Won't Change

 

Have you ever wanted to lose weight? Get a better job? Organize your house? Be more efficient? Be a better communicator?  Use that gym membership?  Save money?  Or do anything that just never happened? Ever wonder why you couldn't do it? Well I'm about to tell you 3 reasons why change isn't happening. 

 I am always striving for better, and I admit, I'm a bit of self-help junkie. I love reading how-to's, but recently I read a book and when I was finished, I realized: I didn't learn anything new. 

I don't know it all, but I've read enough articles and books, been on the best email lists and followed some great leaders through social media, videos and podcasts, to know the 4 keys to success or the proper order to a clean house.  The problem comes in applying the knowledge.  I have to put the plan into action and that is the hardest step. 

I am almost done with the book, "When Panic Attacks: The New, Drug-Free Anxiety Therapy That Can Change Your Life," by Dr. David D. Burns.  It is a great book and has actually presented me with some amazing options for overcoming anxiety.  In his book he states the issue with the lists I referenced above, is that telling someone 5 ways to (fill in the blank) is that they ignore the first step - someone has to want to change.   

Change is hard!  You will only succeed if you:

1. Decide to change and do something different than your current routine.  That is why letting someone else in your process is important because they can be the impetus you need to change by keeping you accountable. Knowing how the change can take place doesn't matter if you don't resolve to do life differently. 

Why don't we want to change? There are a number of reasons but mainly homeostasis is easier.  Routine is just that - routine.  We can keep going.  The other reasons often include facing fears, and taking a look at the stuff we use our devices and favorite shows to avoid.  Avoidance and denial have kept the entertainment industry on top! 

2.  Focus on thriving not surviving.  I don't know your life, but I do know mine.  Sure, I would love a clean house and a thinner version of myself looking back at me in the mirror, but those things come  at a cost and usually in order for more to happen, my chill time is what gets traded for the work.  Life is hard and I am tired, because I go, and I go, and I go.  Changing my juggle, would probably mean I would drop a few balls in the process and would create more work, even though the work now would be payoff later.  Its easy to just try to survive, but we were made for more. 

Change isn't happening if you are looking to just survive, because surviving means doing the minimum.  Trust me there is no shade thrown your way if you are maxxed out and surviving is the name of your game, but don't expect to meet goals.  Goals get met when we go after more.  For me, its the abundant life Jesus talks about in the Bible (John 10:10).  Abundant life is the best, but it involves sacrifice, giving, being uncomfortable and facing the junk in your emotional closet. 

3. Face those fears and insecurities that haunt you.  I have walked through the pain of a past abortion and the skeletons from an abusive step parent.  Those emotional victories were amazing, but I have to be real when I say -  neither of those were as hard as looking into my heart and facing the negative crap I've repeated for more than 30 years (we aren't saying how many more than 30 years). 

I have had some mean things said to me in my life, but nothing as bad as what I've said to myself.  Change means retraining your thoughts, words and behaviors and doing so means looking at why they are there in the first place.  My recent epiphany that revealed some internal hatred of parts of me, not only shocked me, but its been scary at times to look at what is really going on and face it.  BUT, IF I WANT TO CHANGE, I HAVE TO FACE IT!!!!

Change is possible. 

The best change in me has always come with my team.  My team includes my God, Jesus Christ, at the head of the whole thing, and then the people he has planted in my life.

The key to change is loving community.  The common string to everything above is that its easier with others.  When we are fearful, surviving and stuck, we tend to want to isolate, but isolation doesn't cure, instead it further infects.  That is the recipe for making things worse.  You may have to find your team and that isn't easy either, but worth it!

 Do something different, get accountability, refocus on thriving and replace those negative thoughts with ones that are full of grace and truth.  You got this!  Oh, and please, make sure to tell me about it!!!

When the Timeline Doesn't Make Sense

This past Saturday, my son was watching a cartoon, Bible story.  He was glued to the screen in the accounting of the story of Joseph.  I was busy in the kitchen but heard sections of the dialogue as I worked.  I was impressed with this version of the story because of the raw emotion Joseph shared throughout each journey of his life. 

This Bible story always causes me to take pause - a boy sold into slavery by his brothers, taken to a foreign land, sent to prison after being falsely accused of a crime he did not commit.  At this point in the story, it doesn't sound like God is caring for this young man.  He seems in all accounts - forgotten!

Finally, he is called upon to interpret the Pharaoh's dream and because of what he has interpreted he is put second in command to Pharaoh to help save people from the coming famine.  It isn't until this point in Joseph's life that is all makes sense.  God has purpose in positioning Joseph at each step along the way.  God had the end game in view when all Joseph could see was the now portion of his life.

I too often look to my circumstances as the indicator of how my life is going.  One can always ask where God is in the midst of challenges and yet God is always working even when we don't see it or feel a void of his presence in painful seasons. 

God continued to speak to me through this story in the communion meditation at church the following day.  Nancy shared a story and challenged us to remember God is always in control. 

I then went to youth group where we are working through a lesson series on Eternity and was reminded by Francis Chan that our years on earth are just a tiny section of our life when compared with the eternity we will share with Jesus. 

As I prayed over this apparent lesson God was throwing in my lap, I suddenly had this picture in my head. 

I love to organize and purge and let me tell you my house definitely needs it!  I never finished being able to Konmari my house as my toddler would take off with my piles and it seemed this was not the season to do such a decluttering, but my own declutter story is not the point of this blog so let me continue with the visual. 

When I want to organize a cabinet or my closet, I first have to empty its contents.  Then I can clean out the area and begin to separate my piles: trash, donate, keep.  Once I have finished this I can sort what remains and place it properly in its new home.  The process necessitates some temporary disorder to bring about the desired outcome.  If you stop and look at my work when everything has been thrown about a room in chaos, you would question my methods, but if you wait, you will see the order behind the apparent mess. 

This picture found an instant connection to the life of Joseph and my own.  Joseph's life had purpose from day one and it never changed even when the security of his surroundings did.  God was at work at every stage in the process.  It was a bit disruptive in the middle, but it was with purpose.  There was some organizing that God was doing with his people and it meant temporary chaos.  True Joseph is more than the sweater thrown on my bed while I sort out the piles, but the principle still applies.

When we look in a particular moment we can miss the big picture, because a moment does not define our life's work.  We know the beauty of Joseph's story because we read it from beginning to end, but for Joseph he had to trust God even when it downright sucked to do so. 

This isn't the first time I've blogged about Joseph or even this lesson, but I am still in process with it so it continues to resonate with me. I think this is a timely word for this world.  Our country and our world are a mess, but I believe God is positioning and preparing us for the eternity we will spend with him!  It doesn't discount the impact of the tragedies we encounter, but we still have to trust and have faith - God is in control! 

Do You Have Hashtag Guilt?

If you are new to my blog or don't know much about me, you may not know when I was 18, the summer before I started college, I had an abortion.  It was a decision made out of fear, and I spent a lot time rebuilding my heart and life after that choice.  Since finding my own freedom after abortion, I spent years walking alongside others with similar stories to lead them to hope as they struggle with their own past mistake. Despite my ability to help others, I try not to be the "abortion girl" - mainly because I’m so much more than that and even though I have a lot to share about that experience, its not what defines me. 

Trust me when I say, when it comes to my past abortion, I have found freedom.  I have walked healing in this place in my life, have spoken in front of crowds countless times and have had conversations with many people and am completely able deal with the issue of abortion without being re-traumatized, but I am also a testimony to the fact that no amount of healing can undo what I did in a Pennsylvania abortion clinic in the summer of 1997. There are many facets to pain, like the layers of an onion, and as we trek on in life, we can discover ways in which our past connects to us today.

Abortion wasn’t a time machine that made me unpregnant, and our choices when we are young can have lasting ripples into adulthood.  This place of pain has allowed me to help a lot of other people navigate their hurt from a past abortion, and while 99.9% of the time, that choice doesn’t haunt me, there are still moments, usually years between, when I am impacted and experience grief. It is a place of remembrance in my heart and a loss that will always be.  

I love my six-year-old son.  He is the best!  After 5 years of trying to get pregnant, followed by a miscarriage, I was pretty excited when I had my baby in my arms.  I thought he’d be it until we were surprised with my now, two-year-old, baby girl.  I love that I have one of each because they are both my favorite.  I can say, you are my favorite son or favorite daughter on the planet without any competition.  I see a lot of hashtags out there on photos and posts and even use some of my own - hashtags like: #FavoriteChild,  #FavoriteDaughter, #FavoriteOldestSon,   (okay, you get the point), and maybe this is dumb, but sometimes I feel guilty for my posts labeled with #FavoriteSon.  I feel guilty because Caleb isn’t my only son.  He’s just my only living son.  

To be fair, I didn’t know if the baby I chose to abort at 18 was a boy or a girl, because I wasn’t far enough along to have that medically answered, but in my heart I’ve always known he was a boy, and his name was Tyler.  He’s been a real person in my heart since the day after my abortion.  Making that choice is my biggest regret.  As I enjoy my two beautiful kids and my two beautiful bonus daughters, I hate that he doesn’t share in our fun (and craziness).  I sometimes feel bad saying #FavoriteSon because I feel like I’m leaving someone out.  As a girl who had her rejected phase, I'm sensitive to leaving people out. 

The truth is, Caleb is my #FavoriteLivingSon or #FavoriteSonOnEarth.  I miss my Tyler and he’s my #FavoriteSoninHeaven  and I want him to know I love him even though I’m sure in heaven, he’s just fine.  The depths at which I love my kids just seems to illuminate the joy I denied myself by rejecting the gift of Tyler almost 20 years ago.  

I bet I’m not alone in my journey of mourning the life I took for granted as a teenager.  Maybe you never had an abortion, but you have a past decision or experience that marked you in a way that stays with you?  What are the ways your adolescent choices affect you, even now? 

We can't live in our past, we were never intended to do so, but to deny the reality that our choices will affect us for life, is a dangerous mistake.  We need to be intentional to let God into our past so that we can walk in freedom and be wise in the way we walk out each day.  I know I couldn't do life with my Savior Jesus Christ and if anyone is looking for some hope, he is definitely the answer!  I am praying for those who read as I know, life gets real, and know I am writing from a sincere heart and a place of understanding.  God bless you this week! 

If I'm Being Honest

I love to share my life and lessons learned with others. Whether its speaking from a stage, leading a workshop, writing a blog post or just meeting for prayer and coffee with someone,being able to minister to people at the heart level is the pinnacle of fulfillment for me.

But if I am being honest, I've struggled at times with the ministry I do. I am not a perfect person, and its easy to feel like a fraud.  I don't have it all together, I have my own struggles, and I can begin to question what right I have to say anything to anyone?

Then I remember, its not about me.  I don't share, write, pray, listen and talk because I am so great.  I do it because I am not.  I do it because I have walked some roads in life that didn't lead me where I thought they would.  In the midst of all of it, I found hope in Jesus.  I do it because He and I discussed long ago that if I had to face it, He better use it.  I don't want any of the pain I have endured to be worthless.  

I wish I were further along in my journey.  I wish I could check off the boxes in areas where I struggle; despite my current reality, I know:

1. I will get there. 

Philippians 1:6 (NLT) - "And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns."

2. No matter how much my enemy comes against me, God already won, and I have victory!

"You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world." - I John 4:4 (NIV)


I am lucky because I have seen victory in areas of pain in my life.  I had an abusive step-dad growing up that I not only learned to forgive, but God gave me mercy and love for him.  I was happy God brought me into his life so he could know God even with the pain I experienced.

Right after high school, I chose an abortion even though it wasn't what I wanted or believed in.  I can echo the words of Frederica Mathewes-Green when she says, “No woman wants an abortion like she wants an ice cream cone or a Porsche. She wants an abortion like an animal caught in a trap wants to gnaw off its own leg.” When I first read that quote, I was relieved someone got it!  I was haunted after my abortion, but now I can say with certainty - I am free from the slavery I felt after making that choice!

Those two things are just a sampling of the hurdles God has helped me overcome.  That reminder gives me the strength to know I can continue to overcome with God's help. 

This past week, I shared my struggle with anxiety and subsequent anger on my public Facebook page.  This is my current battle, and on a rough day or in a rough moment, that is when the questions arise, but I embrace the journey and hope that those who read this blog will journey with me. 

I know God has victory in store and my God is bigger than my struggles.  I feel blessed for the current resources I am working through because for the first time in a long time I see victory approaching. 

What about you?  What struggles have you down?  Where do you need a boost and encouragement? May I encourage you to continue on!  Don't give up!  Do you know God?  He has a plan for you!  If you have questions, comment below or message me and I am happy to help.  Happy Wednesday!  

4 Encouragements In the Midst of Pain

I don't know about you, but this past week has been really exhausting!

As a youth pastor, this time of year is usually taxing on my schedule with all of the end of the year events, graduations and parties.  I end up running from one thing to the next.  

This week my norm was compounded by grief.  It started when I found out a man I've known locally for over 8 years had a sudden heart attack and died.  He was a year older than my husband so the reality of that situation was difficult to comprehend.  I can't imagine losing Kevin right now.  I know one day I may have to say goodbye, but I look at that day as something 20 plus years from now.  I can only imagine that is what this man's wife is feeling when her plans were thrown out and a new life looks her in the face.  A life she never planned and would probably give anything to relinquish for what she had.  

A few short days later I learned a high school friend had to say goodbye unexpectedly to her 10-year-old son who died after a brain aneurysm.  Life was normal one minute and not the next.  My heart has been heavy for her and just can't imagine what her family is going through right now.  I've know a few other people who have lost a child and it is something I think no one should ever experience.  

The next day I walked out to my front yard to the sounds of sirens arriving just a few doors down from me.  Moments later rescue responders were bend down doing chest compressions on a person in the driveway.  I don't know what happened or even what came of it, but as I watched, I felt done.  

Life is short.  

We have no guarantee for tomorrow.  

But when I felt my lowest in the wake of what others around me were experiencing,  I found encouragement.     

Yes, life is hard but it is also amazing!  

I got to see people do some great things, things we all should do! 

1.  I saw people laugh.  It made me laugh and find joy in life in the midst of whatever we face.  

2.  I saw people rally.  The silver lining of tragedy is that you get see how people respond.  I was touched today in working on a project for someone else, to see so many rally to help out and show love.  Yes, we may life in an online society but ladies and gentlemen, community is NOT dead!  Community is that successful free fall in a trust exercise.  Its beautiful.  

3.  I saw people celebrate.  Last week I talked about being two people at the same time.  The mix of the best of me and worst of me happening simultaneously.  Well the same can be said for the feelings we walk through.  I can mourn and celebrate at the same time.  Monday, I got to attend the funeral of the man I mentioned previously.  Everyone was sad because he was gone and yet we celebrated the man he was, the legacy he left and the God with which he now lives.  

Tonight, I got to cheer on 6 students graduating from 8th grade as they change schools and move on to high school.  To see the light in their face and the joy in their words as they reflected on the years that led them here, was beyond exciting.  

4.  I saw people enjoy today.  Eating ice cream with my kids or jumping into a pool on a hot day are the things that help me stay present in what I have - the moments before me.  Those are the things that matter.  There is nothing wrong in making plans but we have no idea if those plans will come to fruition.  We have to hug more, cuddle more, love more, compliment more and say what we feel.  Its okay to be awkward when its letting someone know we care or we recognize their value.  

Life can beat us down.  We need to revel in the beauty and cherish the things that are worth savoring.  

Don't forget...

 to laugh with those around you!

Rally around people in your life and causes that you care about.  

Celebrate the accomplishments and achievements in yourself and those around you. 

And ENJOY TODAY! 

Now set down your phone and go be present in the life before you!!!