Begin with the End In Mind

Friday, I was at a funeral.

Sidebar: I've actually been to more of those than the average person. I have a big family, so growing up I was always at a funeral for some great uncle or aunt, and over the past sixteen years, I've worked at a church with a sizable elderly population.  That means a lot of funerals.

I know a lot of people hate funerals.  Truthfully, I really love what a funeral reminds me of.
* It reminds me of my purpose in life.
* I also love honoring people.  You always learn more about someone and the life they led.  Any life is worth celebrating, because there something good in everyone.
*Showing up for them and their families feels like an amazing gift too.

Friday, I was reminded that one conversation or even smile can make an impact for 40 to even 70 years in the heart and life of those around us because we never know what insignificant thing to us makes an impact in the life of someone else.

When I was in college, I remember being asked to write out my eulogy.  I've done it with the teens in my youth group over the years too.  I mean, how can we know if we are on track unless we look at where we want to be.  We only get so many years, are we making the most of the journey?  I don't believe in reincarnation so I don't think I will get another shot.  This life is it.

Looking at what we want in the end also lets us see what we've already accomplished. That is a great encouragement.

Besides the eulogy, there's also asking the question: What do I want people to say at my funeral?

What do you want people to remember?

When we look at goals, sometimes we become too short-sighted and just think what we want right now and forget long-term perspective.  Life is a marathon, not a sprint.

For me, relationships matter most.  I love my relationship with Jesus, my Savior and the beautiful people in my life.  I cherish people and making an impact in their lives, and that is what I want in the end.

What do you want your eulogy to say?  Write it, post it where you can see it and be reminded where you want to go.  It helps in getting there!

God bless you this fine January day! Make the most out of the one life you get, because trust me, it matters!!!

Six Lessons From Grandma

Two weeks ago I talked about the memories that come to mind and just the amazing way the brain holds onto some things in our conscious mind and other memories get filed away and never or seldom remembered again. 

This last weekend we celebrated the life of my Grandma Pat.  I had the honor of putting together the slideshow and as I thought back on the times we had together, I realized just how special she was and our relationship was, so I thought in her honor I would share some lessons I learned from my grandma with you!

1. Family is Family - Grandma Pat was my dad's stepmom. I never felt the "step."  She was my grandma and I was her first grandchild.  She made me feel so special on my visits with her and she was someone who made me feel loved.  I knew she was in my corner.  

I never knew until adulthood when I encountered other families that the word, "step" actually created rifts in families and that distinctions of "real" and "step" were made.  It just wasn't in my understanding and its something I continue to try to pass on in life.  

I am about to have my first grand baby, as my stepdaughter, Stephanie, is due in February. I hope that child one day can echo the same words I use when I describe the relationship pictured above. 

2. Its Never Too Late to Start Over - The blended family I grew up in looked perfect to me.  I thought I was amongst the real-life Brady Bunch.  It wasn't until I grew into adulthood that I learned, it was really tough in the beginning.  There were moments when the obstacles that this new family faced challenged its future and as they forged ahead bitterness could have taken hold, but it didn't.  

My grandparents never let age, or bad habits be an excuse for moving forward.  If something needed to be changed, you worked at it until you found success.  I have let this guide me in life as well.  I do a lot wrong, but I won't let that be a quitting spot, but a place where growth will happen.  

I've often quoted Jerry Bridges from his book, Pursuit of Holiness, when he says, "A failure is not someone who fails, but someone who stops trying." I quote it because its a source of encouragement to stay the course.  Whatever obstacle you face, when you fail, dust yourself off and go at it again. 

3.  Gratitude is Everything - We didn't do a traditional service.  It was a lunch and service of our (very large) family at my aunt's house.  We had a lunch of Grandma's favorite recipes, ate candies she loved, drank Fuzzy Navel wine coolers and Sangria (her favorite drinks) and finished the service with pie, as she taught pie making, for many years.  

One of the memories many of us shared was Grandma's strict ways of enforcing the "thank-you" note.  She was infamous for requirement of a "thank-you" note.  While I didn't always agree with the strict standard she held, I know that showing gratitude is a lost art in our society and its something that we must practice more.  Being grateful is a must for the best life possible.  

I loved the touch my Aunt Julia added by having a basket of "thank-you" notes for us to take on our way out so that we could thank someone in honor of Grandma.  I marvelled that despite our objections at times in our childhood, here was a room of thirteen twenty-somethings that know how to write "thank-you" notes and do it consistently.  What a treasure for the generations to come!!!

4. Fun is a Key Ingredient in Life - When I was little, my visits to Grandma and Grandpa's house included playing card games, watching movies in their bed, going on adventures like panning for gold or going out shopping and out to dinner, but my most prized memory is the dress-up time Grandma did with me.  

She would dress me in an old flapper outfit or some other fancy dress.  She'd do my hair and make up and then present me to the family ready in the living room as Glamour Galore, the famous fashion model. Sometimes I was her sister, Glorious.  The way in which Grandma turned the ordinary into an event was an art form and it was a school I loved to attend. 

She had fun! Life is full of junk and sometimes you just have to have fun for no reason at all, other than because life would be too boring without it!  I carry this into my motherhood now.  Sometimes we make the ordinary meal a special event or go on an adventure just because its a Tuesday.  Life has enough serious in it - fun is necessary!!!

5.  Go For Your Goals - Grandma Pat was a supporter.  If she knew you liked something, she was there to cheer you on in those goals.  After all, if you didn't make it, life was full of the neigh-sayers,  but we don't have to be that for those we love.  

As I started to speak more openly about my past, my abortion and how God had healed me, I decided I should tell my family.  I'd rather them hear it from me, than read it somewhere else or have someone else tell them.  After a riveting game of Mexican train, one visit, I told my grandparents my story.  They gave me a hug and sent me to bed.  I later discovered they flipped out in my absence in shock of the bomb I'd dropped in their laps.  

Despite their private freak out, Grandma learned why I was passionate about sharing my story and encouraged me in my public speaking.  One of the first things she did was get me hired as the guest speaker at their local Pregnancy Center's annual banquet! She let me see how to go after goals on my own and to encourage those around us.  What a gift!

6. There's Always A Way to Conquer Those Obstacles - My Aunt Julia shared a story about Grandma, that I loved.  When Grandma was first married, she wanted to make a roast for her husband's boss the night he was coming to dinner.  She'd never made one before and since this was long before google was around, she decided to figure it out herself.  

She called random numbers and acted like she was doing a survey.  She inquired about the ways in which people made a roast.  She then took all the answers and landed on a median recipe on temperature, prepping etc.  Grandma didn't have the luxury of education so many have today, but she was so intelligent (she had a genius IQ) so she learned what she didn't know, any way she could.

Hearing others stories like this one, mirrored the ways Grandma had taught me to get the knowledge you needed to walk down that path you envisioned.  We let far too much stand in our way, and I loved hearing the creative ways, Grandma conquered whatever came her way.  We give up far too quickly in life and many of us need to regroup and go!

Do you ever stop and think what you've learned from those you love?  Which of the lessons above did you most need to hear?  I'd love to hear from you! Happy Wednesday!!!

What Memories May Come

The human ability to remember is amazing to me.  All our memories and moments are stored in our brains and yet we can equally recall the past as well as forget sections of it.  I am in awe of what we actually remember and what gets forgotten.

I recently shared my car with a new friend who escaped an abusive marriage.  My heart has been open to her because of my own experiences.  Along this car ride she shared with me her story and it was heartbreaking not just because of the acts she was subjected to, but because of what it revealed about women and how they learn to cope with realities that should never be.

As she shared, I shared.  

The last time my step dad abused my mom was a big day and yet its the most menial moments that I remember most.  

What I remember most, once it was all over, was sitting in the hospital ER reading a People magazine article about what Kim Bassinger looked like without makeup.  That fact absolutely cracks me up because there was so much more going on and that is what I remember most!  But as I shared, it was as if remembering that trivial moment was a key to unlock other memories.  I then remembered Kurt showing up in the ER wanting to see my mom.  I was so upset that I tried to attack him and a nurse had to restrain me.  I was appalled that this man would show up to see the damage he had done.  Can you imagine this young teenage girl going after a grown man in a hospital waiting room? Bringing back those memories also brought back emotion.  I had to hold back tears as I drove.

I now understand why he did that, because Kurt wasn't a bad man, he was a hurting man.  He had himself been abused.  He carried a great deal of pain and when the emotion cleared I can only imagine the amount of regret and self-loathing that replaced the anger that had led to him hurting my mom, the woman he'd loved and married.  Regret is what brought him there.

Even though the recounting evokes emotion its also what helps bring healing.  I know God has healed my heart from those years.  I can say, as I have said before in other posts, I don't hold any unforgiveness or hatred toward Kurt because as I processed I saw his hurt, and my heart was able to not only forgive but have compassion for a man that brought pain into my own life.  If I had kept running from those memories that healing would never have come.

Truth moment - being moved to emotion or having feelings triggered does not equate to not having dealt with the pain.  Dr. Henry Venter, a counselor that specializes in Reproductive Grief, once told me the sign you have healed from a wound isn't in whether or not emotions can be triggered but in how it affects your day to day life.  Carrying a burden you can't let go of is one way to know you have to heal from it.  

I've encountered several women lately who are walking a rough road.  They are all, like me, at different stages in the process, but far too many of them are stuck in running away from the memories and emotions and its keeping them from facing up with themselves so they can heal.  Find a safe space to see what memories may come and allow God to heal those broken places.  My mom is an excellent example - today, she is a beacon of light to many women because she allowed God to heal  her and allowed God to use the challenges she's walked.  Honestly, she's one of my heroes (as is this women in my car) because as I stated before a hero isn't defined by what they face but how they respond! 

I may or may not know you, but if you are carrying a burden isn't it time to get help and find healing?

1. You can't do it alone.
2. You can't wait till you're ready
3. You can't worry about what others think
4. You do matter.

I promise you, you can overcome this (whatever the "this" is for you). I am not done in my overcoming journey because I had several things to overcome, but I have overcome too large obstacles from my past and it serves as a reminder that I can overcome the one I currently face.  If you aren't sure where to start, message me and I will happily help you find your starting place (a good counselor, support group etc).  God bless you this Wednesday.  Don't give up on your journey because you are so worth the fight!

The Physical Life - Forever Young

As a kid, I thought I would be at my best in my 30's. I couldn't wait until I got to be "that" age. Now, here I am in my 30's, 35 to be exact and it feels weird. Not that I am unhappy or discontent about it, honestly, I think I rock at being 35 and am doing it with style. The part that is weird is that I feel the same as I did at 20. Who I am hasn't changed. Sure I've matured and look at life with a more experienced perspective, but it truly feels like the last 20 years were mere months ago.

I've been working with teenagers since I practically was one and at first I was the hip, cool leader close to their age and now I'm the quirky lady who is the same age as their parents. Where has time gone? I know it only speeds up from here and must be an even further gap as the years pass, because the woman at 80 no doubt feels the same way. Sure our body changes and our pace might slow down, but the spirit of us doesn't change. I connect with people of all ages. Its usually people who hold onto life with a child-like spirit, not to be confused with immature, that I most feel at home around.

I live my life ageless, its not until I get a public reaction that is age appropriate that I realize, oh yeah, I'm 35! Someone recently commented about my 40th birthday being in 5 years and I just thought, is that even possible? Maybe its because I've been working with teenagers for the last 15 years that keeps me focused on life in the younger years, or maybe its because I have a 3 year old and am an older mom. I know one day I will be 80, unless we get raptured beforehand, and that will probably happen before I know it, but I will be forever Carrie, forever young and forever the girl who loves life, travel and hanging out with a lot of people. I will love jumping up and down at concerts, Karoake and road trips.

I'm excited for the journey ahead even though it will continue to get weird as the woman in the mirror begins to look more foreign to the girl inside. But who I am will not change, so when you look at me, or anyone else, don't see the age, see the person. That older woman down the street was your age at one time, and even though you may not see it, that is still who she is.