2009 In Review

2009 was a full year for the Guy family. It was a year of excitement, milestones and grief.

I (Carrie) started out the year with a trip to Thailand. I was presented in this trip with some true models of the Christian faith. I had an opportunity to visit a refugee camp on the Thai/Myanmar border and was changed by my experiences. I also was provided the opportunity, thanks to family, to fly to Ohio twice this year. First, to celebrate Aunt Abbie's 100th birthday in April, and again in September for a family reunion. It was great to see Abbie again in September before her passing a few short months later. This year brought music back into my life as I was able to start voice lessons, and also serve as the assistant coach/choreographer for the Central Valley Christian High School Cheer Squad. I continue to work as youth pastor at First Christian Church. I also teach a class at the House of Hope women's rehabilitation facility, which I enjoy throughly as well as co-hosting Life Report, a pro-life podcast. I have also started writing for an online missionary magazine called Hope Ink.

This summer we had an opportunity to take a family trip traveling around to see different friends and family members. We had a great time with Kevin's dad and step mom in Palm Desert and also in Ranchos Palos Verdes with my Aunt Julia and family. It was relaxing and enjoyable trip with lots of great memories.

Two days after my 31st birthday, Sandie, Kevin's mom, died of a heart attack after struggling with complications of liver failure. It all seemed to happen so quickly and has been a difficult reality to wrap our lives around. Kevin and I were overjoyed to discover we were finally pregnant in October, but unfortunately miscarriaged the day before Thanksgiving. We hope to get pregnant again soon. This fall we were also priviledged to join family in celebrating Debby’s (Kevin’s stepmom) retirement.

Kevin continues his work at Exeter Engineering, and allows his faith to impact the men he works with each day. He is still excelling as head Deacon at the church and in his leadership of the Stephen Ministry program. He also continues to mentor men at the Visalia Rescue Mission's rehabilitation program, and is growing in his speaking abilities as we occassionally give meditations at the communion table. He does a great job of visiting people in the hospital and elderly shut-ins as his regular Sunday afternoon schedule.

Stephanie celebrated her 18th birthday and high school graduation on the same day. We were able to celebrate with several family members and friends at the house before heading to the El Diamante High School graduation. She also celebrated her one year anniversary this year with boyfriend, Daniel Elliot (pictured with her photos). Stephanie is now working at Curves and studying full-time at College of the Sequoias. She desires to be a nurse in the future.

Katie just celebrated her 24th birthday with a bowling party with some of her friends and then pizza and cake at the house with friends and family - it was quite the tadoo. She is still apart of the Able Lifeskills Program working to become better at everyday tasks and is looking at work opportunities in the community in the near future.

All in all it was a memorable year in the Guy home with events that will stay with us for a lifetime.

What Pain Really Means

As I watched the end of "Marley & Me" tonight and saw the pain in the faces of the characters as they said goodbye to a dear friend, it brought me to the journey of pain I have experienced over the past 6 months. I realized that each area of pain is present because of hopes and dreams and relationships. Its the presence of an open heart to the people around me that even allows me the chance for heartache. If I were closed off I would not be able to experience anything good or bad in this life.

The loss of Sandie pained me so because she dwelled within my heart and I allowed her to mean something to me beyond the title, "mother-in-law," and Kurt's news of cancer hurt me because I had allowed God the opportunity to create warmth in my heart where deep brokeness once lived. I allowed God to let love flow for a man that I never thought I could love. Of course, the pain of a miscarriage for what I wanted and what now had opened the door to be, yet was taken away.

Pain is present because I am present in my life. I am not just sitting by while the days pass tuning into the latest drama of reality tv to fill my heart, but I living, loving, hoping, dreaming, and allowing whatever may come to just be. I accept, though at times I want to pick what comes my way. Even in the face of so much pain, I will embrace this thing called life.

Dancing Trees

The tickle monster was released yesterday to dance among the trees. The palm trees danced about energetically as the wind tickled them in great movement. Other trees waved about in a worshipful state to their Creator. Leaves danced about the streets in excitement to be apart of this great adventure. Trash cans lining the streets were taken down by the great monster and instead decided to lay on the ground in surrender. It was a sight to behold and experience, to be allowed to the party as more the observer than participant. Nature had a day off to enjoy and play as children on a playground. I reveled in the glory that took place all around me.

Grief stricken

I wish I could explain the pain I feel in my loss of the baby, and all that came with it. Its been hard to walk in life and see dreams fall to the ground. Its been hard to celebrate in other's joyous moments when they seem to point to my pain. At times, though I know this is not true, I feel God mocks me as the things I praised him for seem to fade away and as each week brings 3 or 4 more pregnant friends. I know God is good, and I know he loves me. I recognize that my heartache is far less than others' suffering around the world, but that knowledge does not comfort me. Its hard to find joy when I find myself daily swimming in grief pools. I know all will be well, but my heart wants to explode inside my chest. This too shall pass, but for now it just hurts worse than any break-up has even broken my heart.

While I thank people for their pointing to the encouragement of knowing I may now get pregnant, it almost feels worse. Like a desire was finally given only to be taken away. It hurts.

Joining the Land of the Living

Its amazing to me how life circumstances can take over your whole being and almost make one obsolete from the day to day. Even though my grief over several losses has been in my opinion minimal for my normal level of emotions, I still have felt like I have been living in another world for the past few weeks. I came to work and talked with people, all the while truly being out of it without my knowledge. I just feel like I've been living in the peripheral zone. Its a weird time of year to do so as Christmas is coming, but today I have begun to re-enter the land of the living. I am beginning to reconnect with work tasks and feel like I am a true human being interacting in the real world - still grief-stricken, but reality aware. I am remembering my to-do lists and working on accomplishing tasks, which feels really good.

How Does One Measure?

How does one measure the meaning of their life? Lately, I have been living in an Alice in Wonderland state where things are not always what they appear and do not coincide with my normal definitions in life. I wonder if I have been looking at things backwards or even upside down. Recently, as I have shared in a previous blog, an old relationship has discovered new meaning where past events are now viewed differently.

I have told my story on stage so many times I can no longer count. I have recited details of situations, both bitter and sweet, and discussed where they have led me in life. I have gained insight into myself through those experiences and what I feel God has done in me because of what I have encountered. What if my chronological recounting has missed meaning of events because I was measuring in a linear format? How can I measure specific circumstances or my life as a whole when each new day brings new meaning to who I am and why I am here?

I Corinthians 13 tells us at the close of the chapter that now I only know a part, but then (when Jesus comes and I go to be with him in heaven) I will know fully as "I am fully known." The older I become I really should have more questions than answers because new dimensions of myself and God's hand in events should be revealed. If I wake up from a nap with my head against a picture on a piece of paper, my eye close up will only see a glimpse of the whole, as I raise my head and have more focus to see it all, then I will know what I am looking at.

So how do I measure my life? The answer is I don't have an answer, but I will not limit my beginnings of an answer to my own knowledge or experience, but will be open to the possibilities of what God has in store and will cherish even the things that at first may seem bad. For I know that while living in an abusive home as a child was a horrible experience, it is now measured by the lives I encountered and cherished for those reasons. I am thankful that I had the opportunity to know someone even in dark circumstances. I can't wait to see how the rest of my life will measure up. Who's with me?

My Life - The Movie

Have you ever wondered about your life in movie form? I have - often. In fact I've said as the credits roll at the end I'd like "Here Comes The Sun" by the Beatles to play. My sister said the other day that if my life was on the big screen she thinks Reese Witherspoon should play me. Not sure what that means but she's definitely cuter than me so I'll take it.

I love at the end of the day to sit and veg in front of the television. I joke I could write tv scripts - I've seen so many shows. My favorite are Hallmark movies. They are cheesy, predictable, romantic, sweet, and completely what I need when I am overwhelmed by life. Hallmark movies are exactly what I need to go to make believe land and find calm. The thing is if my life was a made for tv movie, it would never make it on the Hallmark Channel. My life is more suited for the Lifetime Channel - drama, cliffhangers, and climatic events.

I guess if that ever happens I need to start doing more writing. I have a ton of beginnings of my story written in a million ways without any endings to finish it off. The truth is life is interesting and I'm not sure a movie could fully capture all the nuances of what our lives mean.

There are so many layers to who we are. Each event has multiple meanings that sometimes are contradictary. If nothing else, facing some of my past recently has helped me to see that. Events can mean one thing our whole life and one simple change can help us see that it meant something else all along. The heart experiences life in an array of ways.

Who knows if I will ever get that book about me written or if I'll ever have a movie about my life? For now I will just enjoy it and face the bad stuff with confidence in God and who he has made me to be. I will continue to grow as a person and see what the future holds. Who knows maybe one day Reese Witherspoon will play the role as Carrie?