Parenting Perspective

Can I just say my kids are growing up WAY TOO FAST! My youngest is about to hit five and I don't know what to do with myself. She may act like a teenager with her larger than life personality, but shes still small so I can hold her, but she's getting so big so fast!

P.S. I tried to carry my son the other night because he fell asleep on the couch and that did not go well, because his eight year old man body is WAY TOO BIG for me to carry! Let's just say he was awake by the time we made it to his bed.  

This mom thing is a serious job.  Sure, I will always be there mom and they can come to me anytime, but the time I have to shape them is just going so quickly.  I often wonder if I'm doing it wrong.  
Parenting is the hardest thing I will ever do.  There is some irony to the hilarity of our world -  all the time and money we spend to get college degrees to be proficient in the work place, yet all we have to do to become parents is have sex, no training, no tests, just go and don't screw up these little people looking to us for life direction.  

Growing up, I always thought there would be this moment when I became an adult.  This switch that made me "adult Carrie" versus "girl Carrie."  But that moment never happened. 

Sure I've matured and grown, but I'm still Carrie.  My inner soul mirror still reflects the same person it did from elementary kid til now throughout the timeline. So feeling equip to raise little humans just doesn't seem possible, but it's the job that is in my lap and its a job that does expire.  The formative years are short and I need to make the most of them. 

I started reading Proverbs this week and I decided I didn't just want to read it, I wanted to study it.  Lately, I've been reading in my grandpa's Bible.  My uncle gave it to me when my Pappy died and even though its not my favorite translation, I feel connected to him when I read it.  What I do love about the Bible is the plethora of scriptures noted beside the verses.  So I can go on this journey to find other passages that add to the meaning.  I've also been highlighting and noting key words.  So I feel like I'm getting more out of Proverbs than ever before.  

In chapter one, Solomon, the author of the book, warns young people to listen to wisdom and pay attention to the instruction of their parents.  He warns of fools and the misdirection they may try to lead them on.  As I went through just that chapter two things struck me.

1.  My job as a parent is not just to make sure my kids get a good education and have great experiences, my job as a parent is to train my kids in Christ.  It is to help them know the dangers they might face in life and give them the tools to overcome it.  The question became, am I spending too much time on the wrong things?  

I choose to live in a humble place of always grappling with that question.  Earlier this year, I attended a conference and the idea of inoculating my children to the bad ideas they may encounter was introduced.  Too many times we try to shelter our children, when we should be letting them know what they will encounter out in the real world and why certain things don't work the way they are sold to us and why.  Kids need to know what they believe, why and how to defend it.  That right there is the most important part of my job.  

The second thing that struck me: 

2.  The person Solomon is warning growing men and women about weren't random strangers in the world but people from within their circle.  As I started reading the connected passages, it gave more detail of the fools and those who ignore wisdom.  It was a message of something like - be careful of those around you in your church or in your Christian circle who may try to lead you down the wrong path.  Sounds like of fitting since being a Christian in 2019 can mean 3 billion variations of "Christian."  

We do need to be wise about the people we look to for guidance.  Not everyone has our best interest at heart or has their compass set in the right direction.  If our aim is to honor God, then we need to know him and to use what he says as our guide.  We have to be ever watchful and know what to allow in and what to stay away from. 

Proverbs 1:7 tell us, "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, but fools despise wisdom and instruction."  Fear doesn't mean horror movie type fear but reverence or honor.  (Though it might feel like the horror movie type if you are talking about your boss and unbeknownst to you, your boss comes up behind you.  That moment of discovery might make you freak out.)

Can I tell you just how reassuring it is to have that plumb line?! The truth is, I don't have to have a college degree in parenting to raise my little humans, but it does help to be connected with the Creator of it all.  

Today's post is really about realigning your life with your purpose.  Its about making sure you keep the main thing, the main thing.  We so easily get caught up in the rat race that we forget what we are supposed to be doing.  I'm not saying you don't keep doing life, I'm just saying, make sure you haven't lost your intentionality when it comes to life and parenting.  Make sure you are connected with the source, so that you have what you need to lead.

We only get eighteen years, which may seem like a long time when we get up at 3am to do a feeding or change a diaper, but trust me, we spend more of our life without our kids than with them and we need to make sure we are pointing them in the right direction.  

Happy Wednesday! 

Two Kinds of People

I sat in church recently and just gazed at my son sitting next to me.  I am in awe sometimes of who he is because even though my husband I had part in making him, he grew in my body, I birthed him and we have raised him since then - he is his own person.  As parents we help him grow but part of that journey is discovering who he is.  At the end of the day, God made him. 

I pulled him close and whispered something into his ear that I wanted to share with you. 

There are two kinds of people in this world.

1. People who want to discover who you are and get to know you.

2.  People who judge you and try to make you something they want you to be. 

Show love to everyone, but make sure the people you spend time with are people in the first group.  Be around people who want to know you, instead of the people who tell you who to be.  That can be hard in our world, where people say they are individuals yet put their energy into being just like everyone else.  Yet being ourselves is necessary for personal happiness, holiness and freedom.  God made us with a purpose and the world is suffering if we aren't being ourselves.  God may transform us more into his likeness as we seek him in relationship but that comes from the freedom of living in the shoes he placed us in. 

I didn't end the lesson with that point because I felt it imperative I finish up the lesson by adding - you also need to be the first person.  Its easy to judge people, but its harder to dig deeper and find out who they are and what makes them tick.  Doing so is worth it.  Deeper relationships happen through authenticity.

Last night I was at a local summer book club.  We are reading through, "UnAshamed" by Christine Caine.  One of the discussion questions was something like, "Do you hang out with people with the goal of friendship and fitting in or for respect?"  As we discussed, we noted as teens and young adults our aim is often to fit in and be accepted, and its not until we get older that we realize the importance of being respected.

Dr. Henry Cloud shares in his book, "Changes that Heal," that true bonding isn't possible without proper boundaries.  Respect is a part of that.  We can't get close to people who don't respect where they end and we begin.

Do you foster relationships that bring healing to your life and bring out the best in you and others or do the relationships in your life bring about pain and unhealthy conflict?

We get to choose how we want our lives to be - well, at some level. Too often we complain about the things we can't control and passively accept the circumstances and people we have a say about.  I'm not advocating mistreatment of others, instead, I am encouraging you to be and be around the first type of person I listed above.  Show love to the second time of person but keep your emotional distance.  They need to learn to be the first type of person and you can model it for them by being the first person.  We all deserve the best relationships, do you have those in your life? What are the biggest obstacles you face in being the first person? I'd love to hear from you!  Happy Wednesday!

7 Ways To Train Up Prayer Warrior Kids - Part 2

Last week, I started the discussion of prayer and our kids. If you missed it, please check that one out first for the top 3 of my list!  I asked for feedback and I can't wait to hear how it went!  Let me know - trust me, I am listening (well reading, but you get the point). 

 
Here is the rest of the list:


4. Home Anointing - My home isn’t just the place I come to every night, its the place where I want to serve people and offer solace.  My home is part of my ministry.  I believe praying over every room and anointing the doors of every room gives my home to God and reminds me of the purposes of my life on earth.  Heck, when I get a new car, one of the first things I do, is anoint it. 

I am not here just to build a fortune and die, but instead to share the love of Jesus with the world.  Teaching my kids to anoint our home, can help them see the bigger picture spiritually. 
 

5. Praying For Each Other - My kids see me pray.  I pray for them and on the flip side of that I invite them to pray for me.  I want them to know that I need their prayers as much as they need mine.  It adds to the "us" of family, which I think is important.  Team dynamics will be a key for them well beyond the 18 years they spend in our home.  

6. Spirit Led Prayers - We aren’t practiced in the art of being quiet and still.  We live in an ever moving society, yet being in tune with God, with ourselves and with each other requires breaks from the noise. 

 

Being able to hear the Spirit of God quietly speak to your heart allows you to pray for things that you have no knowledge of and connect again with the body of Christ. 

 

Another aspect of this is praying for people as they come to mind.  This is another great place to utilize "prayer knots" - give your kids a string to take on their day and find out who came to mind.  We never know what people face but God does, so allowing Him to lead in this discipline is an amazing gift!  

7. Be a Prayer Gifter - Sometimes the best gift you can offer someone is prayer.  It lets them know you care and takes the time to engage in the deep places in their lives. 

 

I don’t like to settle for superficial in my relationships and the best way to care for the heart of someone is to pray.  I want to teach my kids to ask first, but I can’t tell you how many times, as someone has poured out their life to me the impact that was made just by asking, “Can I pray for you?" Give the gift that doesn't make the list, but is always needed and appreciated!

 

So what did you think? 

Which of these is your favorite? 

Do you have things to add?

I would love to hear from you. 

Comment below or find me on one of my social media pages.  This only works if we do it.  Don't have kids? Don't worry, invest in your own prayer life and see who God has plopped in your path that you could teach these things too.  So many of my kids are the teens and children that I have around me in life.  They don't have to call me mom, to produce a positive impact!  Go out there and be a part of the solution!!!

7 Ways To Train Up Prayer Warrior Kids- Part 1

This isn’t my first post about who I want my kids to be when they reach adulthood.  Their faith, character and integrity are definitely integral parts of what I am aiming at in my parenting strategies.  I definitely get a lot wrong because parenting is such a challenge and I am learning as I go, but seeing the end in mind in the middle of the moment is definitely key at making the parenting years count. 

One of the best tools my mom gave me as a young girl was the gift of prayer.  Prayer helps me lean into God when I don’t have enough on my own.  Prayer gets a bad wrap these days because so many say the word without actually doing the job of praying, but true prayer is powerful and life changing!

If you are like me, you want your kids to be people of prayer. 
 

I have come up with seven ways you can help kids become people of prayer.  My list was long so you will get it half today and half(ish) next week. 

Here are the first three:

 

1. Prayer Walks - Walks aren’t just for exercise, engaging your mind in knowing your surroundings and engaging your spirit to connect with God in the places you walk is making the most of that experience.  Last week I took my youth group on a prayer walk of our downtown.  Each stop represented areas we wanted to pray for in our city.  The teens responded really well. 

We also used "prayer knots" which gave them something to do on the walk.  As God brought things to mind, I asked the teens to pray and make a knot for that prayer.  We discussed what their knots were afterwards.  

Prayer walks can be connecting locations with topics of prayer or praying for each of your neighbors as you walk past their house.  Teaching your kids to be intentional in this discipline is an amazing skill.  

2. Environmental Prayers - I can recall two years ago, my son and I were in the car headed to preschool.  He called out to me that we needed to pray.  I asked why and he told me he saw a flyer for a missing cat and that cat and family needed us to pray. 

 

It completely blessed me to hear him note that and bring it to my attention.  I had never told him to pray for missing animals.  I had taught him to stop and pray whenever we heard or saw an emergency vehicle. 

 

Being aware of your surroundings is a good skill for safety but it is also a spiritual tool too.  Now when my kids see a homeless person we can offer them a grace bag of nonperishable food but also take a moment to pray.  When we hear a siren or pull over to let one pass, we pray. Thanks to Caleb, when we see lost pets, we pray.  There are so many other reminders of prayer all around us, we just have to pay attention.  What other ideas can you add to my list? 

3.Insomnia Intercession - I don’t struggle with insomnia, but when I do wake in the middle of the night, its my signal to pray.  You never know what people are going through around the world, or if someone is calling out to God and you are the one he woke to intercede (purposed intentional prayer) for them, you are blessed!  We are after all, the body of Christ - all equals and all interconnected.  Sure you can count sheep, or even count blessings like Bing Crosby and Rosemary Clooney in "White Christmas," but I prefer to pray.  Teaching my kids to do the same is a legacy I want to leave for the future.  

Do me a favor - try these out this week.  Comment below on how they worked and come back next week for the rest of the list. 

Training our kids to be spiritual powerhouses is the best gift we can give them.  Prayer works so well because its not just asking for the request asked in Sunday School, but it engages in spiritual things that we may have no knowledge about.  That right there is amazing!!!

4 Lessons From Disney's "Wrinkle In Time"

This last week my son and I finished reading the book, “A Wrinkle In Time” by Madeleine L'Engle. I told my son we couldn't see the movie until we finished the book, and even though he didn’t quite get why, he was motivated to complete it. We had a great mother/son date going to see the movie, but I would be lying if I didn't admit my disappointment with  Disney's take on this treasured book.  The undeniable Christian themes in the book were replaced with a universal religious message that didn’t resonate with me.  (On a side note: I also felt rushed through the story and missed some of the scenes that were omitted from the book.  I felt the depth of the story was lost as some of the modern elements inadvertently added  a superficial quality that distracted from the overall themes).  

Despite my criticisms, I still came away with some teaching points that Caleb and I discussed and were about to apply to our own lives.  

1. The Importance of Parenting - In the end, Dr. Murry apologizes to his daughter, Meg, for missing out on 4 years of her life because of his tessering misadventures.  He looks at her and says, “Instead of shaking hands with the universe, I should have been holding yours.”  

Parents are people and we have our own dreams and aspirations and that is never wrong, but when those dreams supersede our role as parent we miss out on the greatest opportunity we have to shape someone’s life.   Parenting is hard in the moments, but over before you know it. You can’t get that time back, so its important to give it your full attention.  We have to be present as parents and this message met me loud and clear from the silver screen.  

2. The Paramount Power of Love - Clearly when Charles Wallace is overtaken by IT, he is in all accounts, demon-possessed.  IT uses fear, revenge and anger as its primary weapon in overcoming any and every target.  Love, was the only thing that could overcome the evil of IT.  Love is what Jesus did on the cross, he gave his life for all and cared for us in that act, despite our flaws.  As Meg points out, love sees us for who we are and doesn’t quit in the midst of reality.  That love is what defeated IT and returned Charles Wallace to his body and home.  Love is what Christians are tasked to share with the world, regardless the circumstances.  

3. The Significance of Facing Your Fears - Calvin’s relationship with his parent (mom in book vs dad in movie) is  tumultuous at best.  The fear he faces is referenced in movie and as the final scenes conclude, he notes that it took him a "trip around the universe" to face his fears.  Finding Nemo is another movie that highlights this theme and its something we all need to learn.  Fear is a prison and love is the antidote. It does take risk to face one’s fears, but even if you fail, you are stronger for trying, and its easier to dust yourself off and try again.  Being free from fear is definitely worth any risk involved! 

4. The Treasure Of Being You - We are imperfect people and our comparison game of why someone else is better than us or how “this one thing” would make us better is a lie and a trap.  When we focus on what we wish we were, we miss out the beauty of who we actually are.  Meg is a great example of this as she encounters her dream self and has to use her faults to save the day.  This doesn’t mean we stop working at being better people, it just means we acknowledge the wonderful creation of God we truly are.   

Do any of these speak to you in the reality of your life, today?  Is there a challenge in these four points that can motivate you to explore outside your comfort zone and encourage you to grow as a person?  Whether you watched the movie or not, loved it or hated it, I think the bonus lesson is no matter what, you can always glean from your experiences in life, fictional or otherwise!  Happy Wednesday and beyond!! 

Why Parenting Is So Hard!

I think anyone who has kids, of any variety, knows parenting is HARD! Don't get me wrong, it is also amazing!! Becoming a mom awakened a part of me that didn't exist before.  I am in awe of these mini-people who fill my life with frustration and happiness of equal and epic proportions. 

But why is parenting so hard?  That is a bigger question than this blog post could ever answer, but the answer that is currently resonating with me is because of what our kids reveal in us.  Even though kids are unique, they still reflect the best and worst of us, as parents. 

My son is just like me so finding the parallels of my personal issues in his behavior has never been hard, but my daughter is another story.   When I found out my youngest was a girl, I cried. I cried because I wanted a boy.   

At the time I didn't fully understand what was happening in my soul, but as I've been her mom, I see now it was fear.  I was afraid to be a mom to a girl, because I was afraid to look at parts of myself I was subconsciously avoiding. 

As God has walked with me into the darkness of my hidden self-loathing, I have faced my fear of not being enough in being her mom. 

Let me be clear, I love my daughter and I wouldn't trade her for the world.  I also welcome the journey of self-discovery that raising her has led me on.  I am one who wholeheartedly believes, the best life is one that is free from past junk! Despite the pain of facing my inner demons, I am eager to be baggage-free. 

But all of this just enforces the challenges of parenting.  We are humans in process, after all.  Having to do everyday life and then be sent the unexpected self-awareness curveball through your child's behavior is downright, overwhelming!   You never know when your child will playback your greatest fears and worst habits in their tantrum about homework, or be hurt by a friend and be crushed in a way you remember happening when you were younger.  What is that one thing you hate about yourself?  Seeing it in that face you'd die for or wish you could rescue them from your flaw you despise  - is terrifying!    We can't stop our kids from being like us - human or from getting hurt. 

The good news is, we aren't alone and God has a plan.  He will use every ounce of our good and bad parenting to shape their character and purpose and to heal our past in the process if we let him.  Some of my favorite traits were birthed out of the hardest challenges I faced, so I have to allow my kids to do the same.  When I look at this in reverse, I can tell you, I know my parents faults, but I love being like them in spite of those traits. 

How great is God that he uses our kids to draw us out of our comfort zones and allows us the space to grow in our relationship with him, self-awareness and desire to heal?! 

As I am reading Job right now in the Bible, I am reminded how often we feel the need to give advice when what we really need to do is offer encouragement.  Sure advice is necessary at times, but we don't have all the answers so engaging others like we do, isn't always helpful.  Job had three friends with loads of advice, but failed to give him what he needed - someone to remind him, he wasn't alone and to encourage not to give up. 

So here I am, letting you know - you aren't alone, so don't give up!  If you need more relational time, make space in your schedule to spend time with people - face to face, so you can grow your friendships and take care of your soul.  Keep going - God is bigger than whatever you face.  Ask him to show you just how big he is, then stand back and watch!!!  Happy Wednesday! 

Are You Asking Your Kids the Wrong Question?

Do you remember this question - What do you want to be when you grow up?  I remember getting asked this a lot throughout my childhood and adolescents, and I even ask my own kids this same question. Its a great question - dreaming and self-actualization are great tools for personal success. While creating a sense of wonder for the future is a good thing, there is a problem with this question.  

First, when do we actually grow up?  Do you remember that day?  I don't.  I have life defining moments and even milestones that mark the path of my life - graduation, marriage, motherhood...but I'm still growing up.  Subconsciously, we send the message that "growing up" is some destination we get to when we stop being a child and have a career.  But the truth is the journey of growing up is life long.

On a recent episode of "Better Late Than Never" Jeff Dye said something like - when we are young we want to fit in and be like everyone else but there comes a time when being different is good and we want to know who we are and what separates us from the crowd.  It is a process of becoming us; the ride doesn't end until the day we die. 

I had a professor at TCU that did her Doctoral dissertation on the topic of wedding psychology.  One of the many insights she shared with me included the pitfall in calling your wedding day the "happiest day of your life."  This is another example of subsciously setting yourself up for disappointment and failure. What do you have to look forward to after that? 

 Second, how many adults these days have one career?  Even our work like is a mixed bag of different jobs.  We must continue to live each day with vision and purpose, and the likelihood that each of us will grow up to be one thing, just isn't reasonable.  I'm approaching 40 and have to look at what is next because my job as Youth Pastor isn't something one tends to do until a traditional retirement age, not to mention, non-profit hasn't provided me with any tools to retire someday, so I have to prepare for the next chapter. 

I don't think I'm alone.  I have a friend that just lost a job after 22 years of dedicated service and has to regroup and figure out what is on the horizon.  Which leads me to my third point...

Our focus should be on the type of person we want to be, not the job we choose.  People of character and community are much more admirable dreams than a job title.  Knowing your child wants to be someone who helps people can lead to a discussion on how they will do so - surgeon, nurse, police officer, politician, pastor, teacher, counselor...

This helps us to know and make known the heart of our children.  Knowing your personality and your hearts desires are a great compass for when you navigate life.  There will always be bumps along the journey and knowing yourself aids you in adjusting as necessary. 

I think its time we start having broader discussions with our kids and ourselves.  How well do you know yourself?  Google resources on personality tests and discover something new about yourself!  Its fun, I promise. 

The One Thing I Want For My Kids

Last week I had one of the best days ever!  My son and I went into his room, closed the door, turned off the lights and turned on this colorful strobe bulb he won as a prize a few years ago and we cranked up the music for our very own dance party.  I love music and love to dance so adding my son to this equation was just all of the amazings there ever was!  (Yes, I recognize that last sentence isn't exactly grammatically correct, but sometimes you just have to say it how it comes out). 

When it was time for a break we sat on his bed.  He excitedly asked to show me a few songs he loved.  I searched YouTube for the videos he described and discovered several worship songs he sings in school chapel that made him light up the room brighter than any color coming from that strobe bulb.  The joy began to gush from my heart. 

This morning on the way to school we had a worship dance session as I blared one of those songs in the car along the drive. 

I was reminded of a thought that circumstances in life have been bringing me back to a lot lately.

Let me first say, I am great mom, sometimes.  Sometimes, I am the worst mom.  Yes, I know I am hard on myself, but I think that sentence is empirically accurate.  My own fears, anxiety and anger can take over and can destroy my ability to impart greatness to my kids, and that is definitely a regret as I walk this mom path. 

I strive to better myself and dwell on the moments I rock as a mom so I don't solely focus on my failures. As I evaluate the fruit of my overall parenting, I have concluded there is only one thing I want for my kids when it is all said and done! 

I am going to screw stuff up and my kids will have areas of life to sort as they grow into adulthood, but if I can make the way for them to have this one thing, I will be content with the job I have done and continue to do.  

Can you guess what that one thing is? 

It isn't that they will be responsible, have good grades, have a ton of friends, be polite or anything else along those lines. Don't get me wrong, I want my kids to be those things, but another item rises to the top of the list for me - every time.  What is it? 

I want my kids to love God and have a strong, solid relationship with Jesus!  That is it.  If that foundation is solid, they will inevitably have everything else that goes along with it because God calls us to love others and to be doers of his word.  That includes some of the items above and so much more, but the key is this. 

Even if my kids are responsible adults with a good job and stable income, well-loved by others and polite to all they meet and DON'T have a relationship with God, I won't be satisfied.  I will see my job as not yet completed and will continue to pray for that one thing. 

Knowing this aim helps me to adjust how I parent.  It lets me test what I am emphasizing and filling their time with to evaluate if it accomplishes that one thing.  It also challenges me to keep my relationship with God at the forefront of all else both for my own personal goals, but also as an example to my children. 

Whether you are a parent or not, this reflective thought has value for your life.  What is your one thing?  What do you prize above all else in the person you are, and if you are a parent, in what you ultimately want for your kids?  Are you on track or do you need to adjust?  Find your internal compass and change direction where needed, or encourage yourself if you are on course. 

Do You Have Hashtag Guilt?

If you are new to my blog or don't know much about me, you may not know when I was 18, the summer before I started college, I had an abortion.  It was a decision made out of fear, and I spent a lot time rebuilding my heart and life after that choice.  Since finding my own freedom after abortion, I spent years walking alongside others with similar stories to lead them to hope as they struggle with their own past mistake. Despite my ability to help others, I try not to be the "abortion girl" - mainly because I’m so much more than that and even though I have a lot to share about that experience, its not what defines me. 

Trust me when I say, when it comes to my past abortion, I have found freedom.  I have walked healing in this place in my life, have spoken in front of crowds countless times and have had conversations with many people and am completely able deal with the issue of abortion without being re-traumatized, but I am also a testimony to the fact that no amount of healing can undo what I did in a Pennsylvania abortion clinic in the summer of 1997. There are many facets to pain, like the layers of an onion, and as we trek on in life, we can discover ways in which our past connects to us today.

Abortion wasn’t a time machine that made me unpregnant, and our choices when we are young can have lasting ripples into adulthood.  This place of pain has allowed me to help a lot of other people navigate their hurt from a past abortion, and while 99.9% of the time, that choice doesn’t haunt me, there are still moments, usually years between, when I am impacted and experience grief. It is a place of remembrance in my heart and a loss that will always be.  

I love my six-year-old son.  He is the best!  After 5 years of trying to get pregnant, followed by a miscarriage, I was pretty excited when I had my baby in my arms.  I thought he’d be it until we were surprised with my now, two-year-old, baby girl.  I love that I have one of each because they are both my favorite.  I can say, you are my favorite son or favorite daughter on the planet without any competition.  I see a lot of hashtags out there on photos and posts and even use some of my own - hashtags like: #FavoriteChild,  #FavoriteDaughter, #FavoriteOldestSon,   (okay, you get the point), and maybe this is dumb, but sometimes I feel guilty for my posts labeled with #FavoriteSon.  I feel guilty because Caleb isn’t my only son.  He’s just my only living son.  

To be fair, I didn’t know if the baby I chose to abort at 18 was a boy or a girl, because I wasn’t far enough along to have that medically answered, but in my heart I’ve always known he was a boy, and his name was Tyler.  He’s been a real person in my heart since the day after my abortion.  Making that choice is my biggest regret.  As I enjoy my two beautiful kids and my two beautiful bonus daughters, I hate that he doesn’t share in our fun (and craziness).  I sometimes feel bad saying #FavoriteSon because I feel like I’m leaving someone out.  As a girl who had her rejected phase, I'm sensitive to leaving people out. 

The truth is, Caleb is my #FavoriteLivingSon or #FavoriteSonOnEarth.  I miss my Tyler and he’s my #FavoriteSoninHeaven  and I want him to know I love him even though I’m sure in heaven, he’s just fine.  The depths at which I love my kids just seems to illuminate the joy I denied myself by rejecting the gift of Tyler almost 20 years ago.  

I bet I’m not alone in my journey of mourning the life I took for granted as a teenager.  Maybe you never had an abortion, but you have a past decision or experience that marked you in a way that stays with you?  What are the ways your adolescent choices affect you, even now? 

We can't live in our past, we were never intended to do so, but to deny the reality that our choices will affect us for life, is a dangerous mistake.  We need to be intentional to let God into our past so that we can walk in freedom and be wise in the way we walk out each day.  I know I couldn't do life with my Savior Jesus Christ and if anyone is looking for some hope, he is definitely the answer!  I am praying for those who read as I know, life gets real, and know I am writing from a sincere heart and a place of understanding.  God bless you this week! 

The Day God Used My Son to Correct Me

I recently woke up to find my Kindergartener had gotten up ahead of me and cut his own hair, mind you, this happened three days after he got a summer buzz cut.  That means he had bald spots sprinkled about his head.  Kid right of passage or not, I was pissed.  My cute son looked silly and I didn't respond well.  I got on him, said some not so nice things and frantically contacted about 5 people to see what I should do.  They all responded much differently than I did.  It is safe to say, I over-reacted. After I realized this was my problem, I apologized, and let him know if he liked it, it was fine.  His small act that morning was truly a Bible verse come to life in my own life.

Proverbs 27:17
As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.

When you read that passage do you envision sword sharpening?  I do -  I can even hear the clang of metal.  Any refining process no matter the medium is not pleasant.  Depending on the item it could use pressure or heat or some other extreme measure to bring about the desired results.  In our microwave society we can forget that what really matters takes sacrifice and time to attain.

God is always at work in each of our lives.

It is what He does.  We are his children, and He sacrificed his life in the ultimate show of love for our benefit; so that we wouldn't have to die.

We often want the life of others around us.  Life becomes this constant comparison game of who is prettier, thinner, richer, has better friends or family, has a better job, better house, greater sense of style, more athletic, more talented, more spiritual (ok this list can really keep going, but I hope you get the point)!

What we have in life are the very things we need to be the people we were created to become.  God has planned it out, it is on purpose and we are that important.  There was no cosmic mistake here and we were not the forgotten one on planet earth.  We weren't made to have what others do or to be like someone else, we were made to be us and do what God purposed for us to do.  Simple and yet we tend to complicate it.

On this particular day, the "self-hair cut" day, I got to see God working for the purpose of me.  God used my son to reveal my personal issue of caring too much what others think. It was my very own, God ordained Proverbs 27:17 moment.  I also got to share this with my kid.  In this house, he doesn't get a model of perfect parenting, but I do try to model how to deal with the missteps and mistakes we make.  Later that day before Caleb went to bed, I thanked him.  I told him I didn't like him cutting his hair and I didn't want to see him do that again, but I wanted him to know God had used him to help me be more Christ-like.

The truth is, that hair cut wasn't a big deal and it didn't define my son, and had I not freaked out he would have gotten a lesson in being you, no matter what.  Those are lessons that are good to learn now before the pressure gets turned onto full blast.

Instead, I got the lesson.  I learned that he was fine with his chunk cut and it will in fact grow out.  Its something to laugh at not stress over.  I was gently reminded not to major in the minors and that I only have an audience of one - Jesus Christ.  That is the only opinion I should be concerned with in the micro moments of life.

They Don't Belong to Me

They Don’t Belong To Me

Right out of college, I spent a year in a Discipleship Training School (DTS), which if you don’t know, is basically Bible classes and internship combined that you don’t get paid for and in fact, have to raise money to pay your bills while there. 

My DTS was not only a Bible training but counseling training as well.  Part of our internship portion was living and working in a residential care facility for troubled teens.  

Until that year, I always felt being a foster parent would be too challenging for me because I didn’t think I could say get attached then say goodbye to a child. My year of DTS challenged that presumption, as teens were often taken to other places abruptly as seen fit by their parents or counseling team.  It wasn't uncommon to wake up or return from an errand to discover a teen had been moved to another facility and was no longer with us.  It was hard.  I learned to love some of these teenagers as if they were my own children.  The thought of not getting to say goodbye crushed me, and did a few times.  

But I learned through that experience a very valuable lesson.

Those teens didn’t belong to me or even their biological parents.  Each one belonged to God.  Even if some of what they were subjected to by other humans was traumatic, God still loved them and had a plan for their lives. 

It wasn’t my job to ensure God's plan happened; it was my job to love and train them in the time that God had them in my care. This really aided me as I transitioned into the role of youth pastor.  I was able to take advantage and make the most of the time I had to love on and train the teens in my path.  

This truth became a challenge for me after birthing a child.  As you venture through pregnancy, a connection develops with the human living inside your body. A woman houses that baby for 9 months, that is three-quarters of a year!  (Or fight in court for the baby you are about to adopt for months, even years on end). Next, you give up every single moment to the helpless angel who needs you constantly in the midst of its simplistic eat, sleep, poop lifestyle.  Even with the exhaustion and stench from your own, showerless body - you can’t help but love your child.  The sleepless nights get exchanged for a million other challenges you face each day over eighteen years and its easy to think…

THIS KID BELONGS TO ME!

God had to remind me, that those children that came from my body (or from a court process) still are his.  I am the guardian not the owner. Knowing I have my kids on loan provides me with some great accountability.  I have to answer to God one day for how I “trained up” (Proverbs 22:6) his children. 

Parenthood can be a helpless existence as our kids face sickness, disease, injuries, emotional traumas, relational issues and for some, even death.  We don’t have control often in the things our kids go through, but when we keep the proper perspective of their ownership we experience a freedom in the knowledge that they belong to an all-powerful God who loves them and has a plan.  It doesn’t always make sense and can even seem like God has forgotten or is no longer there.  

That is why the story of Joseph (Genesis 37 - 50) resonates so much with me.  In the beginning of the story, this boy is subjected to great injustice, even cruelty, but knowing the whole story you see that God used the horrible to bring about not only wonderful but salvation for multiple nations.  

We live these timelines and we try to define each moment and yet sometimes the best endings come through the strangest and hardest of paths.  

You will screw up as a parent, spouse, employee, boss, friend, and even human, but God is bigger than that. He fills in our gaps and leads us to places we never imagined if we hang on through the tough stuff.  

Knowing he is the owner of our kids and our lives can free us to be the people we were made to be and give us peace in the midst of tragedy and loss.  

How Do You Measure Up?

We grow up being asked what we want to be when we grow up.  Kids rattle off a list of professions like police officer, astronaut, teacher, or even President.  My six-year-old says he wants to be a Ninja (though last year it was Ninja Elf, but he's dropped the Elf because that isn't realistic. - Ha!) 

We grow up and become a lot of different professions, some with great focus and even dead on with what the six-year-old version of themselves stated they would be.  Others just aimlessly land in some 9-5 just to pay the bills.  But I think we are doing a big disservice to children and to ourselves when we put so much focus on the professional success you will one day find.

I recently lost someone I loved dearly.  Wanda Sharp died just months before her 92nd birthday.  She left behind family but she also left behind a legacy that reached far beyond her own DNA.   Wanda wasn't a successful entrepreneur, and she actually spent most of her work years as a bus driver for special needs kids.  In the years I knew her, Wanda was a faithful volunteer with the youth group I lead.  She never thought she did much to help me, but the love she spread impacted lives.  She was the group grandma for years.  Teens graduated and moved on but they still loved Wanda, because she loved them.  It didn't matter how many times you attended or how well she knew you, she was gonna love on you. 

For those of us in the church, Wanda was mom or grandma.  She filled a void in many, and when she died, there was a group of young people that mourned as much as her family and friends.   On the day we honored her, I sat with typed pages filled with sentiments emailed to me that former students who wanted to share with her family, so they would know what she meant to them.  A woman who grew up with "Grandma" Wanda flew in from Louisiana (a long way from Visalia, California) just to be in attendance at the service.  The room was packed with people impacted by Wanda and the attendees even included one the students she transported all those years ago.

I am sad to lose such a precious woman but so glad she can stand before her maker and feel the love she gave here on earth.  She will understand and be comforted by the value she always had and never truly saw.  

In thinking of this I realized.  Wanda wasn't a success because she went to an Ivy League University or worked as CEO at some fortune 500 company.  She was a success because she was a woman who loved on people.  She made a mark that was indelible in the souls of people.  Wanda didn't let age, background, race or religion keep her from loving on whomever crossed her path.  She was a beacon example this world needs!

So my question is:

How Do You Measure Up?

Is your focus for a life well-lived on the successes you receive along the path to that dream job or is your focus on the people who are in front of you?

The great thing about focusing on the latter question is that it starts now.  Kids don't have to wait until they grow up to be a success.  They get to build character and be loving, kind people NOW!  Doing good for others will only lead them to what they will be when they grow up.

We should encourage kids to live for now.  Of course focusing on a goal for the future has its own merit and they will have to chart a path for the future with their education, but they should be more concerned about who they are than where they end up because ultimately, that is what matters most!

When Your Best Isn't Enough

Do you ever feel like your best just isn’t good enough?  

I think most of us can answer, “yes” to that question.  

The truth is -  my best isn’t good enough.  

I can’t do it all.  

I wear a lot of hats and they can get exhausting.  I wasn't made to do all that I do.  

I was created with limitations and needs for things such as rest and relationships, both of which require a pause button from the rat race I run in daily.  

I am both a working mom and a stay-at-home mom.  I live the best and worst of both worlds.  Usually when I am rocking it in one area, I am behind or bombing in another area.  

The feminist movement has given us a lot of freedoms as women, but its also given us some unfair expectations.  We are expected to work and raise a family simultaneously, while looking good in the process!  That is a lot of pressure and as a result, we end up expecting too much out of ourselves subsequently beating ourselves up when we don’t hit the mark.  

My “to-do” list is always full and even if I go strong all day knocking items off the list, I still won’t come close to getting it all done.  Here's two things I hope will help.  

1. God Has A Plan Beyond What We See 

Today, a friend shared with me a few bumps in her road of late, but because of her time in the Bible and in prayer with God, she was prepared to view those setbacks with spiritual eyes.  It gave her the ability to see God in the midst of the issues she had encountered.  Instead of letting that pit her against her Lord, she sat in the lap of Jesus and got on board with his plan.  

2. God Takes Our Mistakes and Makes Miracles

I distinctly recall a moment when I was talking to God about my many issues as a mom.  I felt like the latest test had found me lacking and I was wallowing in self-pity and giving myself a good figurative flogging.  In the midst of my tear-filled verbal purging, I heard God say in my spirit, 

“Carrie, I know you will make mistakes as a mom, but it is in those shortcomings that your kids will get to meet with me and walk it out in our relationship.”  

It blew my mind, to think God had intention for my mistakes.  God had a plan - even for my overloaded mommy explosions.  He planned to use it for his glory as he fulfilled his word in Proverbs 27:17, when he says: 

As iron sharpens iron,

    so one person sharpens another.

We weren’t called to do it all, raise the perfect kids or aim at perfection in life at all.  We were created for relationship with God and others.   We serve a God that is big enough to do it all.  When we surrender our path to him, we can find him in each turn along the road.  We can see him work in spite of our full plate and the dropped balls along the way.  

I find each day that I start with God, I end up accomplishing exactly what I need to - nothing more, nothing less.  It doesn’t all get knocked off the list but the important things do.  

Are you struggling to find that balance between work life and mom life?  Are you drowning in a sea of to-do lists?  Time with God isn’t just about adding something else to your list - its about adjusting your list to be in alignment with his will; knowing that God breaths life into even the most devastating of days.  He’s got this - YOU can trust HIM!

I Became A Mother 14 Years Before I Had My Son...

I become a mother 14 years before I had my son.  That may sound strange, but my definition of mom has been altered a bit through the life that I have led.  

In the summer of 1997 after graduating from high school, I travelled from Heidelberg, Germany to Springfield, Ohio and discovered, I was pregnant.  I was 18 years old and preparing to leave for college in just a few shorts months.  In contrast to my believe system, I had an abortion.  Despite only being 6 - 8 weeks along, I knew that my baby was a boy named Tyler.  It was a decision I regretted afterwards and had to walk a rough road just to live with that choice.  Tyler is my first child.  He always will be.   

My next child came 5 years later.  This time it wasn’t a baby and wasn’t from my body.  I was working at a group home for troubled teens. I was assigned 3 girls in my time there.  I still remember facing a hard time with one in particular and talking with her mom on the phone.  Her mom was comforting me as I walked a very difficult time with her.  Those girls were all mine and even though they have grown up and are now moms themselves, I will always think of them as my kids.  I was with them everyday through the hard parts of life for a year.  A year that branded me my heart in a way that will make those bonds reach beyond what an average year will do. 

My next children became mine in 2005.  I was 27 years old marrying a man 16 years my senior.  He brought into our lives his two beautiful girls - 14 and 18 at the time.  Even though I was closer in age with them than my husband.  I mothered them day in and day out.  The oldest, who is special needs, at 31 still lives with us.  She calls me mommy and is able to love all in her live.  

My husband and I tried for 5 years to have a baby.  We finally got pregnant and I was over the moon!  But Danielle was drawn to her brother, Tyler, and I miscarried one night at home.  It was a painful night both physically and emotionally.  I still have a photo of the toilet after miscarrying her.  It might sound gross, but its a bit of my goodbye, and closure with my baby girl who I never got to meet.  

In 2011 I had Caleb.  I still remember standing in a Hobby Lobby seeing a yellow cross that read, “For This Child I Prayed,“ and sobbing.  I was so scared he would follow Danielle’s lead, but he didn’t!  Even though I had considered myself a mom for years, this was the first time the world acknowledged me.  My journey led me to Caleb.  I couldn’t love someone more if I tried.  

You see, loving Caleb was easy it just happened inexplicably.  With my other children, especially my step daughters, my love was a choice.  It was a stronger and better choice than my first choice in 1997.  It was a daily choice to love despite the fact that I didn’t get to watch them grow from infancy or have them move in my belly.    That was an amazing love to know and to keep knowing.  

I thought that was the end of my motherhood.  But God surprised me just under three years ago with the news that I was pregnant.  This time with a girl and that girl just turned 2 last week.  Truth: I cried when I found out she was a girl.  I wanted another boy and was scared to be a mom of a girl.  I realized I had some baggage to sort with that fear, but her being a girl was the best thing EVER! 

I know there will be no more babies coming from my body, but if life has taught me something its that my journey of motherhood isn’t close to being over.  I have years with my babies, but I also don’t know what God may bring along my path in the future.  The children I love come in all forms.  I am better for each of my kids listed above and for each of the teenagers that has crossed my path in ministry over the past 15 years.  

The truth is when I look back over life, I too have parents that never birthed me - people that loved me like my own parents did and made a huge impact in my life.  There is some sorrow on my mom journey and I can tell you I would much rather have my two heaven babies on earth, but I am still their mom.  I can’t wait to wrap my arms around them one day.  Until then I continue to look ahead and live for today, remembering the journey and grateful for what I have gleaned along the way.  

When did you become a mom? Or a dad (for all the men reading this)?  Have you ever looked outside the traditional definition and seen the impact others have made on you and you on them along the way?  May you reflect and embrace all those on your path who mothered you and you them!