A Question We Need to STOP Asking

"Church" is an interesting word. What it means and how it is used are often two very different things. When we read the Bible we see the church is not a building with a name on the outside and a list of service times. In the Bible, church is a group of people. Jesus called us to be his church - a group of people who’ve accepted him as Savior, working together for a common mission of loving others and sharing his good news with the people around us. 

Church is a mission and a mindset, not a place we go. So what is the question we need to stop asking? Within the Christian community, a common question asked is, "What church do you go to?" Or the reverse of that is telling someone you what church you attend. The problem with this comment or question is that it makes the church is a building or place you visit once or twice a week before returning to every day life. This hurts us and our ability to be the church, because we check it off our list. “I went to church this week.” 

Instead we should ask people, “what church are you in community with?” Or, “what is your church community?”

This may seem like I’m nitpicking or just trying to cause some kind of problem over a semantic argument, but the truth is the words we use make a big difference in our mindset. We think of something in relationship to how we talk about it and when talking about church, that can limit how we walk out our faith. 

The great commission gets forgotten even if we talk about it because in our mind we already went to church, but the reality is we are to be the church everywhere we go, because we are ambassadors for Christ. We share the image of Christ with everyone we encounter and if we aren’t living mindfully of that, then we can forget and begin to lose the heart of Christ to share his love with those who don't know him. 

The Bible tells us that the world will know we are Christians by our love. I don’t think that passage is true at all for American Christians, Christians in America don’t lead with love. Let’s just set aside for a minute the hot button topics we disagree about, and look at our every day life. Can we see the love of Christ permeating through our lives? We have allowed the "have it your way" society to trump our mission and Christ-centered way of living. We become more consumed with getting to where we need to go on time and treating the people around us rudely in the process, than we do about sharing the love of Jesus with people and allowing others to be more important than ourselves. 

Now am I saying that if we start asking a different question about church that will change all of that? No. It’s a bigger topic than this mental shift and there change that needs to happen, but I will say that changing our mindset and the way of asking what church you go to will make a step in the right direction.  Change starts in our mind.  One foot in front of the other, going in the right direction, gets you to where you need to go. 

Stop merely going to church and start being the church. That doesn’t mean that you’ll stop attending a service on Sunday morning, but it means you’ll be a part of a church that knows that they are more than just a Sunday service.  The change in mindset will change the questions you ask and how you make decisions within your church community.  Join a group, a community, a body of people who know they are on a mission.  When we do that we may see we need to change how we do things because we will stop making decisions for us and shift what we do to accommodate the world around us who needs Jesus! 

4 Life Lessons from Frozen

As you read this, I am at Disneyland (well you know if you read this when I post it, otherwise who knows where I am when you read this).  For some time, I have been making note of life lessons from the Disney movie, Frozen, as it is my three-year-old's favorite and I've seen it more than I can count.

So while I wait in line for my daughter to get her picture with Anna and Elsa,  you can enjoy the deep thoughts this mom thought after her 300th time watching Frozen!

So here we go...


1. Rejection isn't always about you - 

I know you have to watch a Disney movie a lot to put yourself in the characters' shoes, but I really feel bad for Anna.  She has a best friend in her sister and then one day its gone.  Her parents die and she's alone and lonely.  She has no idea why Elsa won't engage with her and as we all do when we don't know the answers we fill in the gaps with guesses.  Obviously, Anna never guessed the truth was what it actually was, but in our own lives when we get rejected or treated badly we often ask what we have done wrong when truthfully more times that not it has NOTHING to do with us! In the case of Anna, she was asking and no one was telling her anything, but most of us never ask, we just assume.  We all know assuming makes an ass of u and me, right?!  So please get more information!!! Quality relationships that are worth it!

2. We aren't meant to do it alone - 

Even after Elsa's secret gets out and she sees what she is capable of she's still motivated by fear and hell bent on doing it alone.  So many of us are independent and that is great, but we all need others.  Some of us have more relational needs than others and I know when we are scared or ashamed of our reality our knee jerk reaction is to push everyone away, but that is NEVER the answer.  When you are in a bad place, you need to lean into trusted family and friends.  Isolation makes things worse not better.  I see it happen all the time so its not just Elsa's problem.  If you see someone in your life pulling away, reach out.  You can't make them do the right thing but you can do your part to remind them you are there.

3. Fear is never a good motivator - 

Whenever fear is motivating us to do life, we will end up in a mess - guaranteed!  Fear is a recipe for disaster.  Love is in fact the only thing that can conquer fear.  That was a fact long before Frozen came out.  In fact the Bible shares this truth over and over again!  God is love (1 John 4:8) and perfect love drives out fear (1 John 4:18).  It is important to ask yourself what is driving your life.  If you ever answer fear, its time for a pit stop to regroup and overcome that fear before moving forward.

4.  Being Yourself Isn't Enough -

When Elsa finally shares her secret she feels a sense of freedom.  She let's it all go (well thats what the song says).  She feels a freedom to finally give into her power.  The thing is, she still isn't free.  The ice making fun ends when she realizes she's left everyone in a winter world and accidentally freezes her sister's heart.  When this happened she made herself the monster instead of realizing that freedom isn't in being whatever we are, but learning balance. She was never meant to hide it or fully give into it, but to balance it.  When she learned how to control it with love, she finally found the balance.  She had freedom to be herself and the relationships and love she needs.  Instead of making herself the enemy, she needed to make the problem the problem and find a solution.

I was able to relate to this with my own anger.  I am a passionate person and its got some great benefits and liabilities.  So instead of pushing others away and trying to be something I'm not, I have to find out what works for me and keep working on it until I get it right.  What works for me may not work for someone else and visa versa which is why comparison is so often an enemy.  We need to be us, but we also need to be in community and find a way to bring us to society.  That takes love, work and discipline, but its worth it!

Redefining Hero

Life truth: none of us can control what happens to us in life.  The truly inspirational are those who take the trash they are given and make a beautiful treasure.  (I really don't like lemons to lemonade because lemons really aren't that bad, heck my son eats them plain).

I was amazed a few weeks ago as I watched a man who had lost a leg in an accident and decided not to let it get him down.  He began training for America Ninja Warrior and blew everyone away with how far he made it down the course.  That is triumph.

Not every obstacle is physical and sometimes the hardest to navigate are the ones that no one can see.  Let me introduce you to my friend, we will call her Mira.  Mira discovered a little over three years ago that her husband was having an affair and it wasn't his first.  She found her life instantly changing as he announced he was done and didn't even want to try to work it out, despite their children and many years together.  Can we be honest, this happens more than just to my friend, Mira, doesn't it?! Its easy to tell poor Mira to suck it up and move on because this is reality in 2018.

That didn't happen.

Mira allowed God to reveal areas where she wasn't giving her all to her marriage, but also to HIM.  Mira took a look at herself and decided to meet God in the midst of life.  She leaned into God and discovered a new relationship she had yet to encounter.  I can tell you, she is a different person today.

We hear a lot from Christians on their disdain for the unBiblical life of homosexuals in our world, what we don't hear is their distaste for things like having sex outside of marriage, living with a sexual partner you aren't married to, and divorce itself.  All of those are also wrong, according the Bible.  We aren't allowed to pick and choose, we believe it or we don't.  We don't get to say, "Well, this is my struggle, so I will let this slide, but this over here is yours so I get to stone you with your wrong doings."  The Bible isn't a weapon and it doesn't just state right and wrong but how we are to love in the midst of life.  That often gets forgotten, but I digress.

Mira took her calling seriously.  She committed her relationship with her husband to God.  It was amazing as I watched her prayers create and change things that everyone said were impossible.  Now, I'd love to tell you she and her husband are back together loving each other and God, but that isn't the case.

Mira still believes.  She still hopes in God despite circumstances. While so many would say she is foolish - I see the spiritual warrior that has emerged and it humbles me.  She has become my hero.  God gets the final say and just because the world says something is over, doesn't mean it is.  We don't know what will happen and honestly, that isn't the point.  We do know God is in control and he is working and Mira gets to see what he does at each step. 

Talking and praying with her has changed me too.  I see a faith we were all called to live.  I see the beauty she is creating for herself and her kids as she makes room for God at the helm of her life.  Mira sees that the true enemy is Satan and she won't give up on God's best.  She is fighting with spiritual weapons, the ones far too many of us have left on the ground in our feeble attempts to conquer our own lives.

What trash are you holding?  How can you give it to God, lean in to him and allow his love to change you and create beauty?


Exodus 14:14 says, "The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still." (NIV)

I hope you will see the hero inside of yourselves as you seek God in life and allow him to do his job.  A hero isn't always the one who comes in and saves the day - a hero is also the person who hands life to God and says, "What now?" The hero is the one that takes what life has given them and keeps going, refusing to give in to defeat! Trust me, you are worth more than the junk that keeps you down.  The details are different for us all, but the struggle is the same.  Please fight for yourself.  I'm here and I'm praying, so be the hero you were meant to be!!!

3 Reasons Why You Won't Change

 

Have you ever wanted to lose weight? Get a better job? Organize your house? Be more efficient? Be a better communicator?  Use that gym membership?  Save money?  Or do anything that just never happened? Ever wonder why you couldn't do it? Well I'm about to tell you 3 reasons why change isn't happening. 

 I am always striving for better, and I admit, I'm a bit of self-help junkie. I love reading how-to's, but recently I read a book and when I was finished, I realized: I didn't learn anything new. 

I don't know it all, but I've read enough articles and books, been on the best email lists and followed some great leaders through social media, videos and podcasts, to know the 4 keys to success or the proper order to a clean house.  The problem comes in applying the knowledge.  I have to put the plan into action and that is the hardest step. 

I am almost done with the book, "When Panic Attacks: The New, Drug-Free Anxiety Therapy That Can Change Your Life," by Dr. David D. Burns.  It is a great book and has actually presented me with some amazing options for overcoming anxiety.  In his book he states the issue with the lists I referenced above, is that telling someone 5 ways to (fill in the blank) is that they ignore the first step - someone has to want to change.   

Change is hard!  You will only succeed if you:

1. Decide to change and do something different than your current routine.  That is why letting someone else in your process is important because they can be the impetus you need to change by keeping you accountable. Knowing how the change can take place doesn't matter if you don't resolve to do life differently. 

Why don't we want to change? There are a number of reasons but mainly homeostasis is easier.  Routine is just that - routine.  We can keep going.  The other reasons often include facing fears, and taking a look at the stuff we use our devices and favorite shows to avoid.  Avoidance and denial have kept the entertainment industry on top! 

2.  Focus on thriving not surviving.  I don't know your life, but I do know mine.  Sure, I would love a clean house and a thinner version of myself looking back at me in the mirror, but those things come  at a cost and usually in order for more to happen, my chill time is what gets traded for the work.  Life is hard and I am tired, because I go, and I go, and I go.  Changing my juggle, would probably mean I would drop a few balls in the process and would create more work, even though the work now would be payoff later.  Its easy to just try to survive, but we were made for more. 

Change isn't happening if you are looking to just survive, because surviving means doing the minimum.  Trust me there is no shade thrown your way if you are maxxed out and surviving is the name of your game, but don't expect to meet goals.  Goals get met when we go after more.  For me, its the abundant life Jesus talks about in the Bible (John 10:10).  Abundant life is the best, but it involves sacrifice, giving, being uncomfortable and facing the junk in your emotional closet. 

3. Face those fears and insecurities that haunt you.  I have walked through the pain of a past abortion and the skeletons from an abusive step parent.  Those emotional victories were amazing, but I have to be real when I say -  neither of those were as hard as looking into my heart and facing the negative crap I've repeated for more than 30 years (we aren't saying how many more than 30 years). 

I have had some mean things said to me in my life, but nothing as bad as what I've said to myself.  Change means retraining your thoughts, words and behaviors and doing so means looking at why they are there in the first place.  My recent epiphany that revealed some internal hatred of parts of me, not only shocked me, but its been scary at times to look at what is really going on and face it.  BUT, IF I WANT TO CHANGE, I HAVE TO FACE IT!!!!

Change is possible. 

The best change in me has always come with my team.  My team includes my God, Jesus Christ, at the head of the whole thing, and then the people he has planted in my life.

The key to change is loving community.  The common string to everything above is that its easier with others.  When we are fearful, surviving and stuck, we tend to want to isolate, but isolation doesn't cure, instead it further infects.  That is the recipe for making things worse.  You may have to find your team and that isn't easy either, but worth it!

 Do something different, get accountability, refocus on thriving and replace those negative thoughts with ones that are full of grace and truth.  You got this!  Oh, and please, make sure to tell me about it!!!

Finding Your Tribe

There is something amazing when you can look back over the past few months and see God working in your life.  Have you ever experienced that?  You know, like when you have 3 conversations with people in completely different circles and they all say the same thing!  When I was in junior high I had two people in two different countries share with me the exact same scripture.  I remember thinking - I better pay attention to this!

October of last year, I attended the Organic Outreach Conference in Monterey, CA.  It was amazing and if you want to know more about it, go check out their website. 

I can tell you, I took copious notes at the conference.  I am a note taker, not just from the speakers but all the ideas their thoughts spark in my own brain.  Generating ideas is kind of my jam - following through on all the ideas, is not!  Pretty sure if I had both skills mastered, I'd be a millionaire by now. 

Anyway,  one of the many people I found quotable, was a man named Mike Brock.  He shared a sentence as a side note toward the end of a breakout session that resonated with me. 

While I don't have a direct quote, what he said went something like this:

We need to reconcile our pretentious nature, when we think "God told me...", and recognize if he told you, he told thousands of other people.  Instead of standing up and saying, "God said.." find those others God spoke to and partner with them.

I have loved the journey that those words sent me on.  I didn't start out seeking a tribe of like-minded visionaries, but it definitely opened me up to the lessons I was learning.  I've already talked about the Brené Brown quote that Lindsey Teague Moreno referenced in her book, "Getting Noticed."  I was floored when I discovered this woman (much smarter than me) with the same passion.  I started off in college looking at Social Work as a major, but quickly realized my overly sensitive heart would get swallowed alive in that field, and chose Communications instead.

I love people and discovering how they tick.  My own path as created a desire to see people find their voice and walk in freedom from the pain of their past.  This woman in her talks on shame, vulnerability, emotions and daring to live bravely as we rise strong after falling, was in sync with my mantras and personal journey. 

I'm obviously not joining Brené in her research or tagging along for her speaking engagements, but seeing that common thread being spoken from someone of her caliber has given me cause to celebrate.  Its inspired me to keep moving forward because I'm not alone.  I don't need to be any of the women who have inspired me over the last few months (and that list is growing exponentially), but I've been empowered by their stories and themes to be myself.

Its easy to feel alone and while a surge of pride can be appealing when you feel God has spoken to you, that pretentious nature doesn't foster community or even promote confidence, because if we seek to be the lone wolf in the fight for our cause we will in fact be, alone.  Who wants that life?  Okay so I realize that appeals to some people, but I am not one of them.  I want my alone time but I have no desire to be isolated in this world.  Hearing that Brené's research has revealed most people struggle with the same insecurities I have, is freeing.  As she says (and I paraphrase), we may be crazy, but no more than the next person.

I need to keep going and fighting because others need me, not because I am some superwoman. Its my responsibility to speak from my life as an encouragement to others and protect that connection with my tribe - those of you being real and putting yourself out there for the benefit of others.  Why else are we here?!  I'm glad I paid attention to what God was trying to speak into my life.

Do you need that encouragement to fight on and be you? Is God trying to get your attention?  Do you need to find those with the same voice and change the world together?   Your voice is louder when its focused and joining the song of others with same song.  Look for God's guidance, go forth and make a difference through the power of connection and numbers.

One Thing You Don't Need

Its ironic to me that when we survey the world's population and examine issues that each country and region face, the biggest issue in the richest countries are things like: depression, anxiety and suicide.

Interestingly enough, suicide isn't an issue in impoverished areas like it is in first world countries. How is it that people that "have it all" are the most unhappy people in the world?

I heard a sermon recently from a guest speaker at a Christian camp, discussing the Beatitudes, a section of scripture also known as the Sermon on the Mount.  It is a sermon given by Jesus.  Many of Jesus' teachings seem counter to our culture and this section of text is no exception. Jesus says things like, "Blessed are the poor in spirit," or "Blessed are those that mourn..." What? How can they be blessed?  Yet, when we look into the communities of the world, these statements of Jesus are reflected in real-life.

Whenever I visit Thailand and spend time with the Karen refugees living in the northern Thailand mountains, I am moved with the happiness of the Karen.  Here are people who are living outside their native country, without citizen rights, often poor and yet - they are happy.

When a sponsor gifts a new outfit to a girl at the center, you will see that outfit many times throughout a visit, and each time on a different person.  When someone gets something, it is for the group, not the individual.

This attitude is also modeled in the scriptures when we read about the early church in Acts.  Followers of Jesus were focused more on community than the individual.

It seems that the Bible is right.  The more we become focused on ourselves, the more unhappy we become.  The more things we possess, the more empty we become.  The more we get our way, the less we really get what we truly want.

What is the one thing you and I don't need?

Everything.

We don't need to have things the exact way we want it.  We don't need everything our heart desires and can possess with the click of a button and free drone instant shipping.  We don't need to be the center of the universe.

What we DO need is an others-focused, community mentality.  We need to be self-less not selfish.
We need to be told no and to experience disappointment.
We need to live without
...only then are we strong, brave, empathetic, creative and fulfilled.

Seeing others succeed is a greater high than getting the latest technological device.  It is always better to celebrate each other than to have it be all out me.

Our culture is feeding us a lie - A LOT!  Are you ready to abandon the cultural standard of having it all and live the kind of life God created us for?

These 3 things will help you to live counter-culturally:

1. Recognize it - Do you see the subtle and not so subtle way advertisers sell the message that you deserve it all?  Can you take note of how many times that message crosses your path each day?

2. Deny It - Make note of the truth that stands in the face of the lie you are being spoon fed.

3. Defy It - Step out and live in a way that puts others' needs first.  Choose to give more than you receive, to embrace the thorns that prick you when you come across a rose and see the beauty that came with the pain.  Live in such a way that embraces the needs of others and community more than you the individual.

When we see others before ourselves, we live in a way that celebrates our communal and spiritual purpose.  We are, after all, the Body of Christ - working together is the only way we truly work!

One Thing We All Need And Two Ways To Get It!

September of last year, Marie Claire published an article sharing the stories of women who regret having children.

For Every Mom, an online Christian mom's magazine, recently posted a response to a similar article in The New York Post.

After reading all three articles, I needed a moment to take it all in.  Motherhood is hard, but hearing someone say they regret their motherhood in the face of their beautiful children just broke my heart.  It hurts me to hear those words come as truth from someone's heart and it hurts me to think of the child who might one day read their mother's regret of their very life.

As I took it all in, I realized this sentiment highlights a real problem in our world today. Take a moment and picture life in the 1800's.  Can you see the Pre-Industrial America fully-equipped with covered wagons - something straight from a scene of Little House of the Prairie? People were tired from hard work, yet rested without incessant distractions.  Villages and towns rallied as a family and supported each other.  People weren't abandoned and left to their own devices.  While I am glad to live with the modern conveniences of the 21st Century, there is one thing they had gobs of that we are in deep need of - community.

As I take an honest look at the stories in the articles linked above, I see a variety of individual issues, and yet I see this common thread.  Sure there are some exceptions to this rule, as each of us have varied personalities and life experiences, but in truth, motherhood is a lonely existence and community is crucial for survival.    I wouldn't trade being a mom for anything else in this world, but lonely, frazzled, frustrated, depressed are all adjectives I have felt along this journey of early motherhood.  As a people-person who loves to be out and about, early-motherhood is a struggle because its so isolating.

There is a solution.  The following two things can help us to take back our motherhood and find joy in this stage of life.  

1.  Choose Another Vantage Point 

How we see something largely affects how it impacts our life.  Reality is always a good place to start. If you are a mom, you can't look at the "what if's" because they are no longer an option.  There is a huge responsibility in raising a child.   We have the unique job to shape the live of another human!  How amazing is that?!  Yes, it can be a daunting task but it is a task of upmost importance and shouldn't be taken for granted.  Also, our kids won't be little forever and they will become our friends in adulthood and even possibly our caretakers later in life.  Its time to see another side to motherhood and life in this particular season.

2.  Build Your Own Community

In high school and college, it was easy to integrate myself into a group of friends, but since those years the places to find friends aren't so readily available.  I have to be intentional to create my own community.  I have to keep up with people, do things for others and make time in the calendar to put in the time to create and maintain my community.  I have to put myself out there and risk rejection because the reward of having a support network is worth the risk.  So where do you find a mom community?  I have found moms on Facebook groups, theatre rehearsals, the playground, the gym, and even the grocery store.  

I met a mom a few years back that invited me to her prayer group.  It was amazing.  In the yard since it has fizzled out, and this past year I realized just how monumental that group was for me, so I decided to start my own. What do you need?  If you don't like play dates, find a mom that will swap with you - you take her kid so she can have some alone time, then she will take yours.  You can have your girl time and enjoy some of the perks from your old life now, with a little creative community building.

At the end of the day you've got this, but you can't do it alone so if you are trying to do so, than its time to make a few changes.  If you have it all, than maybe its time to find someone who needs you in their community.  We are all in this thing called "life" together!

4 Encouragements In the Midst of Pain

I don't know about you, but this past week has been really exhausting!

As a youth pastor, this time of year is usually taxing on my schedule with all of the end of the year events, graduations and parties.  I end up running from one thing to the next.  

This week my norm was compounded by grief.  It started when I found out a man I've known locally for over 8 years had a sudden heart attack and died.  He was a year older than my husband so the reality of that situation was difficult to comprehend.  I can't imagine losing Kevin right now.  I know one day I may have to say goodbye, but I look at that day as something 20 plus years from now.  I can only imagine that is what this man's wife is feeling when her plans were thrown out and a new life looks her in the face.  A life she never planned and would probably give anything to relinquish for what she had.  

A few short days later I learned a high school friend had to say goodbye unexpectedly to her 10-year-old son who died after a brain aneurysm.  Life was normal one minute and not the next.  My heart has been heavy for her and just can't imagine what her family is going through right now.  I've know a few other people who have lost a child and it is something I think no one should ever experience.  

The next day I walked out to my front yard to the sounds of sirens arriving just a few doors down from me.  Moments later rescue responders were bend down doing chest compressions on a person in the driveway.  I don't know what happened or even what came of it, but as I watched, I felt done.  

Life is short.  

We have no guarantee for tomorrow.  

But when I felt my lowest in the wake of what others around me were experiencing,  I found encouragement.     

Yes, life is hard but it is also amazing!  

I got to see people do some great things, things we all should do! 

1.  I saw people laugh.  It made me laugh and find joy in life in the midst of whatever we face.  

2.  I saw people rally.  The silver lining of tragedy is that you get see how people respond.  I was touched today in working on a project for someone else, to see so many rally to help out and show love.  Yes, we may life in an online society but ladies and gentlemen, community is NOT dead!  Community is that successful free fall in a trust exercise.  Its beautiful.  

3.  I saw people celebrate.  Last week I talked about being two people at the same time.  The mix of the best of me and worst of me happening simultaneously.  Well the same can be said for the feelings we walk through.  I can mourn and celebrate at the same time.  Monday, I got to attend the funeral of the man I mentioned previously.  Everyone was sad because he was gone and yet we celebrated the man he was, the legacy he left and the God with which he now lives.  

Tonight, I got to cheer on 6 students graduating from 8th grade as they change schools and move on to high school.  To see the light in their face and the joy in their words as they reflected on the years that led them here, was beyond exciting.  

4.  I saw people enjoy today.  Eating ice cream with my kids or jumping into a pool on a hot day are the things that help me stay present in what I have - the moments before me.  Those are the things that matter.  There is nothing wrong in making plans but we have no idea if those plans will come to fruition.  We have to hug more, cuddle more, love more, compliment more and say what we feel.  Its okay to be awkward when its letting someone know we care or we recognize their value.  

Life can beat us down.  We need to revel in the beauty and cherish the things that are worth savoring.  

Don't forget...

 to laugh with those around you!

Rally around people in your life and causes that you care about.  

Celebrate the accomplishments and achievements in yourself and those around you. 

And ENJOY TODAY! 

Now set down your phone and go be present in the life before you!!!

Youth Ministry Reflections

Today was my anniversary, but not the one with my husband.  Instead it was with my job, well really, my ministry.  I moved here 14 years ago to start as the youth pastor at First Christian Church in Visalia.  It was on the heels of a year-long ministry working with teens in a residential care facility.  

I never intended to spend my adulthood working with teenagers, but God had other plans.  The pre-teen and teen years was a very tumultuous period in my life.  In those years I walked through the pain of an abusive step-parent, sexual abuse, emotional pain and the faced the results of poor choices that my angry heart made.  As I walked into the college years and into adulthood I began to process the pain and seek the healing I needed to not only survive, but thrive.  

At the close of my college experience as I looked at the possibilities of what was next, God reminded me of a simple sentence I spoke to him during those tough years: 

“If I have to go through it, you better use it!”  

God answered, with a “I hope you meant that!”  That started my journey to Colorado to work with teens in the midst of turmoil.  It softened my heart to that age where your life can go out of control as you transition from child to adult.  That is what led me to Visalia.  I honestly didn’t want to come.  I loved my life and support in Colorado and went to bed with every intention of turning down the job at First Christian.  

My wise mother told me, “Don’t give your answer until the morning; sleep on it first.”  Those were wise words and the morning light helped me see I was to go.  So I loaded up my 1988 Chevy Caprice Classic and caravanned to California through the winter mountains with my dad who had flown out to get me.  

I came with a thought that this would be a temporary station in life as I found my true path, but here I am in an industry that has faster turn over rates than flips of a pancake in any IHOP around the country, still going strong.  

Working with teens for over 15 years and 14 years in the same church and community has given me some great perspective on life and ministry.  Here are three perspectives that I’d love to share today: 

 Teenagers are WONDERFUL!  - Teens often get a bad wrap as the rough life-stage to work with and yet I have grown to love this stage.  Teenagers are wonderful people who add color and humor to life.  They hold beautiful ideas of the world and their future and share some great insight if you listen.

Relationships Last A Lifetime - Doing this for so long has allowed me to get to know girls and walk with them into womanhood.  Its given me the ability to get to know adolescent boys with their pranks and antics then get to see them chose a wife and have children as honorable men.  I love that still being here provides stability for some when life gives them questions and they know they can come to me in the years into their 20’s and beyond.  

Community Morphs More Than It Changes - Tonight I was speaking with a current fellow youth pastor who moved here from another state for the job but as we spoke, several of the staff at their church used to be teens I worked with years ago and other pastors were once youth pastors like me.  As I look at the Christian community it is full of new faces, but it is also full of faces that are still there working hard in new churches or positions.  There is something beautiful about that fact.  It speaks highly of this community that even in the changes in life, people still want to be here.  I love that story, that is often not told and I have the longevity to tell it.  

It is wonderful to have these opportunities to reflect and celebrate the days, years and lessons along the way.  Thank you for sharing in this with me and it leads me to ask you, “what does your life perspective teaching you?” 

The Used Life

A year from this day I was pregnant.

We had finished summer with a great trip with our extended family in Carlsbad, compliments of my parents, and had gone to Disneyland before heading home.

My Aunt and Uncle hosted us and we enjoyed some time with them when we weren't in the park.

I was gearing up for the arrival of our new baby at home and was trying to figure out the best way to absorb the office furniture into the rest of the house as we now needed that space for a nursery.

I didn't have much of a budget and had struggled to get my vision for the room to come to life. As I talked to my Aunt, I discovered so many of the things in their gorgeous home were garage sale or Craigslist finds. 

 I shared my difficulty in finding matching lamps to place in the room and her response sparked something in me. She told me I didn't need matching lamps, furthermore, making a room look nice wasn't about trends but finding items you love. If you love it, you can find the right spot for it in your home. I could see the truth in this just by looking at her house. She was creative and innovative as she made things work where she needed them. It amazed me each room we entered how many things were treasures she had taken from someone else's discards. She had to revamp a few things to make them presentable or even a thing a beauty, but I was inspired. 

 I came home and began to search yard sales, Craiglist, Facebook groups and slowly began selling my stuff as I bought things that worked for the space. 

 I found something else besides furniture, I found God. At this point you may be asking, "What is she even talking about?" Let me take a moment to explain. You see as I set out to search, I prayed. I discovered not only was God meeting my needs but through the process he was teaching me to trust him instead of holding onto my things and relying on them. He also invited me to be a blessing to others through the things I was discarding. I could pray for the people who were buying what no longer worked for our home and discovered some amazing stories of just what a particular item meant to them.

 A year later, the room is pretty much done (okay so my house will forever be a work in progress). I have a baby who is 6 months old and I am still doing it. I found a great Facebook group that is secret and private and its a great way to look for things I need in everyday life. I can then go by pick it up with kids still in the car and give them my money or visa versa. 

I have discovered that I don't have to go to a store to buy everything I need. Sometimes, more often than you think, you can use something someone else has already used and save some money. There have been times when I say, "God, I really need this." I don't have the money to buy it new, and sure enough there it is in a price range I can handle! 

This past year I've become aware of just how consumer-based our society has become! Reusing, repurposing and borrowing is a great way to save money, save the environment and quite frankly, built community. 

 That has been the greatest treasure in all of this! I have found a community. As we buy and sell between each other, friendships are forming. Women rallying together to find donations for a cause, performing random acts of kindness as they show up at someone's door and just having fun! 

 The past year has taught me that the used life, is the life for me...and yes, I will do a post about my living room redo with pictures. So you better come back and check it out.

Reflective Life - Everybody Hurts

A popular alternative rock band in the 80's & 90's was R.E.M. and in 1993 they released as a single, the song, "Everybody Hurts," which at the time really spoke to me. I was 13 and dealing with more than most girls my age should have even known about. I couldn't relate to my peers because the rights of passage many of them experienced seemed trivial in comparison with the tough realities in my life. I was hurting and I felt alone. Truth states I was not alone, there is a world full of people who are hurting and I felt the song by R.E.M. not only spoke to that reality but encouraged people to hang on and to do it together.

Over the past year I have watched on as people around me have had their lives rocked and what has most shocked me has been the responses to their hardship that has been expressed. I will admit that I don't always know how to come along someone and sometimes I will say the wrong thing, so I know it happens, but what I am encountering more and more is cruel words and spiritual responses that just aren't Biblically accurate! When we hurt we need the people around us to love on us and to be there. Maybe you've tried to help and been pushed away and that can also happen as a lot people when faced with hardship go into hibernation mode. This is also not what I am talking about.

What I am talking about is telling someone:

1. "You must have done something wrong for God to allow this to happen to you."

Can you hear the buzzer telling you, you just got it wrong - eHHHHHHHHH. If you think this is accurate, please read the book of Job. Traditional Jewish thought was and still is in some groups that when you go through something difficult, its because you've done something wrong. That is why Holocaust Survivors are often treated badly. Job was written to counter this. Life happens and isn't necessarily in direct correlation with your actions, choices etc. Job did nothing wrong and his life exploded in his face and God chastised his "friends" who continued to bagger him with his need to repent and ask for forgiveness. Job is also a humbling book because when God responds he definitely shows us that we cannot understand the depths of all He is! The truth is I can't tell anyone why they are experiences disease, pain or loss. There is also the phenomenon of natural consequences and while that is not what we are talking about, no one wants to hear "I told you so." So if you feel the need to say something to that affect, bite your tongue and walk away. We've all made mistakes and if we are experiences the consequences of those, hopefully we will learn.

2. "Your loved one is in a better place"

Sure, this is true, but ask yourself does it need to be said? Probably not! I mean really! Its not unspiritual to be sad when someone is gone. We can know that they are pain free with Jesus and still miss them. We loved them and our life now has this hole. People who lose a parent, child, spouse or other close relative/friend have to begin to live their life again without that person. My grandpa was killed more than 2 years ago but I still can't bring myself to delete his number from my contacts. It is what it is. People need a hug, and practical help: food, laundry, house cleaning, lawn maintenance etc. Its hard to do your everyday life tasks with the hole you feel. Everyone is different, some people respond by throwing themselves into busy life and that's their choice. Its good to be empathetic but its also good to ask, "What do you need right now?" If they don't know, assure them you will be there when they figure it out.

3. "You need to do..."

We all have remedies and solutions to the problems we see in people's lives and social media has tricked us into thinking we have the right to offer our 2 cents. But if someone isn't asking, don't tell them your 10 step way to make it all better. You can say you've done some research and if they are ever interested to let you know, but wait for them to ask. Most of us have internet access. We know how to google a disease or look up the harmful affects of foods, environment etc. The information itself is good, but can be overwhelming or feel condescending.

4. "God does not give us more than we can bear."

If you want to say this to someone just go ahead and punch them in the face. First of all, this scripture is often taken out of context because I Corinthians 10:13 is talking about temptation and most of the difficult life we encounter has nothing to do with temptation unless as stated earlier we are talking about experiencing the natural consequences of our bonehead choices, and that is not what we are talking about here. God is a very present help in trouble (Psalm 46:1) and is always with us (Deuteronomy 31:8, Joshua 1:9, Romans 8:38-39), when we say, "God does not give us more than we can bear" to someone experiencing the cruel realities of life it makes God out to be some terrorist torturing us in some effort to get us to talk and that is not God. He love us and tells us that this life isn't easy (John 16:33) but in the end God has overcome it all. Most of us need more support and less judgment. Ecclesiastes 3 tells us there is a time for everything and when someone is suffering, they need words that bring life and help encourage them to fight on, not words that embitter than toward God and break down their strength. Its hard to know what to say to people especially when we have no experience walking in their shoes so pray, and if you have no idea what to say, just say that and reassure you are there to walk the journey.

5. "If you had more faith..."

I do believe our words can make or break our journey and we can speak truth into our lives, but bad things happen even with faith. Isaiah 55 tells us that God's ways and thoughts are higher than our own. There are moments when faith can change our reality but to assume or communicate that the travesty they face is due to a lack of faith puts unnecessary blame in their lives and does nothing to support our friend or family member. Sometimes the answer we get from God is no or maybe God has purposes beyond our scope. We have no idea what he sees and maybe we will see it play out before us and maybe we won't, but if we trust a good, loving God than we can know no matter what He is at work.

I've shared before that when I was a pre-teen and early teen, my mom was married to a man with a lot of heartache and pain in his heart and the experiences he walked through in his life led him to alcoholism and abuse. In the years he was married to my mom, our lives were torn apart and he almost killed my mom. Fast-forward to several years ago when he was dying. I recognized that the worst years of my life were the best of his. I realized that he knew Jesus and would be in heaven because of the time with us through which he got to know God. In retrospect I drew the conclusion that it was worth it. I wanted him in heaven and was willing to accept what I'd lived through if it meant his soul being saved. It was an epiphany like none other I have ever experienced. Sure I wasn't going through it at the moment that I accepted the beauty of the end result, but that's the point. During those early years suffering because of someone else's choices, I wondered if God really loved me, but when God saw me he didn't just see the hurting 7th grader, he also simultaneously saw the woman in adulthood accepting the weight of those years and in his grace he allowed those experiences.

This life is temporary. Earth is not our home and God's purposes far exceed what is in our lap at the moment, but I learned to accept the hardship I experienced through walking with God not because someone came to me in those challenging years and told me, "I needed more faith" or even the face punch of number 4 that "God wouldn't give me more than I could bear." God was at work in and through it all and I am learning (slowly I may add) to trust him with it all of it(Hebrews 6) as the anchor for my soul. Hebrews 11 tells us that, "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." So even in the darkest moment we can still hope because it isn't done until God makes the call and the trumpet sounds and we meet him in the air.


God made each of us differently and their is real beauty in that, but if we fail to see the differences in others with a equal respect then we miss a true gift. What is hard for me might not be hard for you, I can't use myself as a gauge for someone else's emotions. We experience life differently and while that doesn't change the moral code outlined in the Bible, it does mean that we may see it from another perspective and its when we come together that the whole picture can take place. Lets be the body we were made to be and stand together through the hurts. Because as R.E.M sang so poignantly, "Everybody Hurts."

Reflective Life - Suicide Selfish?

Yesterday, I got the news that Robin Williams had died. I found out on Facebook, then verified the facts looking at online news websites. Soon after the flood of trending posts began to saturate my news feed. To be honest, I didn't mind because I loved all the reminders of the movies he starred in and he is someone that has had a special place in my heart of all the stars out there in the world. A few hours after the news broke, I did find a post from a friend that went in a different direction. This friend remarked about his chagrin in having to endure a week of posts regarding Robin Williams. I then clicked on the comments and some of what I read disturbed me. Not because some people don't care about this actor, but because it revealed an ignorance to the human condition and a callous view that I cannot wrap my brain around. You see it is suspected that Robin Williams died from a suicide. Suicide can bring up an array of colorful emotions and opinions. One of the comments simply said: "Suicide=selfish" and I have to admit I have heard it before. While I get why someone would say that, I respectfully disagree or rather see a different viewpoint that trumps that perspective.

You see when I was 18, I had an abortion, another choice often labeled as selfish. The thing is, I was and am adamantly opposed to the act of abortion. I couldn't believe I had done something with which I fervently disagreed. That sent me not only on a journey of healing, but one for answers. I found some answers 8 or 9 years ago when I heard a speaker, Greg Hasek, say that the problem with "True Love Waits" and other like conferences challenging teens to save sex for marriage is that people don't make choices out of their moral compass and what they know to be right and wrong, instead people make choices out of their fears and insecurities. That simple statement turned a light bulb on in my head. I got it. The key to aiding others in life is not just in education but in helping them face and tackle their fears and insecurities. I made my choice to have sex outside of marriage and then to have an abortion after I discovered I was pregnant because I was scared. That fear took over everything I knew in my head.

This newfound understanding took another step when I learned how the brain works. You see when someone gets emotional, the surge of emotions blocks blood flow to the brain and inhibits someone from being logical because your brain needs that blood flow to work in making logical choices. This was an even greater a-ha moment because it makes a lot of sense. I have encountered countless women who are freaked out and feel alone, choose an abortion, then later beat themselves up, like I did, because they knew what they did was wrong. This phenomenon while applied to my abortion story, isn't limited only to that area. How many of us get caught up in a sale only to later have buyers' remorse? And while buyer's remorse isn't that serious, unless we just bankrupted our entire family, this true biological experience can devastate lives. Someone dealing with clinical depression or severe bullying or abuse may in a moment of emotional overload make a choice to end their lives. But they don't have the luxury of regret. That choice was final. Maybe it is in the end selfish, but I hate defining it as such because I would say 90% of what we do is selfish. That is not a cold hard statistic, but the reality is we are selfish people. The American culture breeds a "look out for yourself" mentality. So if we are going to start labeling things selfish then we better be ready to spend a great deal of time. Selfish isn't the point, hurting is. Frankly, I think its selfish to point the finger at someone who is desperate and decides to take their life and say "selfish" because my question would be, what are you doing to help those people?

We live fragmented, lonely lives. Sure we have thousands of Facebook friends, but when life goes south and its out of your control, who can we really turn to? Who is there to help us pick up the scattered pieces of our lives? I heard it once quoted by Fredrica Mathewes Greene that, "A woman doesn't want an abortion like she would want an ice cream or a Porsche, but like an animal caught in a trap, gnaws off its leg to become free." This reality can be said for many of the desperate choices people make to include suicide. We have an obligation to each other, and when people fall it is all of us who are to blame. If you want to know more about where my passion for this came from feel free to read my post, "Like Me." We obviously, can't make the decisions for others but we weren't made to be islands either. We need each other to survive. There are times when we do all we can for someone and it still isn't enough. Maybe you are a lucky one with a strong support network, but not everyone can say that. You can't be all things to all people, but if you chose to show up in one person's life you can make a huge impact through that one life.

People like bullet points so here are a few steps all of us can take.

1. Choose to be Selfless - Thinking beyond ourselves is a choice. We must first decide if we even want to attempt living life for anyone else.

2.Take a time out - All of us have environments we frequent often: work, the gym, the golf course, a bar, church, etc. Pause your routine and next time take note of the people around you, maybe someone that is in the peripheral.

3. Check In - Take a minute to connect with someone new, maybe its someone you say hi to every day but it never goes beyond that. Invite them to coffee or just stop and see how they are really doing. Showing someone you care, can make a huge difference.

4. Move In or Move On - Truthfully we can't make a connection with everyone and expecting to save the world all by yourself is a set up for burn out and failure. If you don't connect with someone, you made an attempt, move on and try it with someone one else. If you have connected in a surprising way, put yourself out there enough to get to know them. Allow this new person into your life. Relationships are baby steps so make sure to have realistic expectations.

5. Repeat - Whether it works the first time or not, the truth is if you choice to continue to live this way, it will change your life. Thinking of others is always a good thing.