When the Timeline Doesn't Make Sense

This past Saturday, my son was watching a cartoon, Bible story.  He was glued to the screen in the accounting of the story of Joseph.  I was busy in the kitchen but heard sections of the dialogue as I worked.  I was impressed with this version of the story because of the raw emotion Joseph shared throughout each journey of his life. 

This Bible story always causes me to take pause - a boy sold into slavery by his brothers, taken to a foreign land, sent to prison after being falsely accused of a crime he did not commit.  At this point in the story, it doesn't sound like God is caring for this young man.  He seems in all accounts - forgotten!

Finally, he is called upon to interpret the Pharaoh's dream and because of what he has interpreted he is put second in command to Pharaoh to help save people from the coming famine.  It isn't until this point in Joseph's life that is all makes sense.  God has purpose in positioning Joseph at each step along the way.  God had the end game in view when all Joseph could see was the now portion of his life.

I too often look to my circumstances as the indicator of how my life is going.  One can always ask where God is in the midst of challenges and yet God is always working even when we don't see it or feel a void of his presence in painful seasons. 

God continued to speak to me through this story in the communion meditation at church the following day.  Nancy shared a story and challenged us to remember God is always in control. 

I then went to youth group where we are working through a lesson series on Eternity and was reminded by Francis Chan that our years on earth are just a tiny section of our life when compared with the eternity we will share with Jesus. 

As I prayed over this apparent lesson God was throwing in my lap, I suddenly had this picture in my head. 

I love to organize and purge and let me tell you my house definitely needs it!  I never finished being able to Konmari my house as my toddler would take off with my piles and it seemed this was not the season to do such a decluttering, but my own declutter story is not the point of this blog so let me continue with the visual. 

When I want to organize a cabinet or my closet, I first have to empty its contents.  Then I can clean out the area and begin to separate my piles: trash, donate, keep.  Once I have finished this I can sort what remains and place it properly in its new home.  The process necessitates some temporary disorder to bring about the desired outcome.  If you stop and look at my work when everything has been thrown about a room in chaos, you would question my methods, but if you wait, you will see the order behind the apparent mess. 

This picture found an instant connection to the life of Joseph and my own.  Joseph's life had purpose from day one and it never changed even when the security of his surroundings did.  God was at work at every stage in the process.  It was a bit disruptive in the middle, but it was with purpose.  There was some organizing that God was doing with his people and it meant temporary chaos.  True Joseph is more than the sweater thrown on my bed while I sort out the piles, but the principle still applies.

When we look in a particular moment we can miss the big picture, because a moment does not define our life's work.  We know the beauty of Joseph's story because we read it from beginning to end, but for Joseph he had to trust God even when it downright sucked to do so. 

This isn't the first time I've blogged about Joseph or even this lesson, but I am still in process with it so it continues to resonate with me. I think this is a timely word for this world.  Our country and our world are a mess, but I believe God is positioning and preparing us for the eternity we will spend with him!  It doesn't discount the impact of the tragedies we encounter, but we still have to trust and have faith - God is in control! 

They Don't Belong to Me

They Don’t Belong To Me

Right out of college, I spent a year in a Discipleship Training School (DTS), which if you don’t know, is basically Bible classes and internship combined that you don’t get paid for and in fact, have to raise money to pay your bills while there. 

My DTS was not only a Bible training but counseling training as well.  Part of our internship portion was living and working in a residential care facility for troubled teens.  

Until that year, I always felt being a foster parent would be too challenging for me because I didn’t think I could say get attached then say goodbye to a child. My year of DTS challenged that presumption, as teens were often taken to other places abruptly as seen fit by their parents or counseling team.  It wasn't uncommon to wake up or return from an errand to discover a teen had been moved to another facility and was no longer with us.  It was hard.  I learned to love some of these teenagers as if they were my own children.  The thought of not getting to say goodbye crushed me, and did a few times.  

But I learned through that experience a very valuable lesson.

Those teens didn’t belong to me or even their biological parents.  Each one belonged to God.  Even if some of what they were subjected to by other humans was traumatic, God still loved them and had a plan for their lives. 

It wasn’t my job to ensure God's plan happened; it was my job to love and train them in the time that God had them in my care. This really aided me as I transitioned into the role of youth pastor.  I was able to take advantage and make the most of the time I had to love on and train the teens in my path.  

This truth became a challenge for me after birthing a child.  As you venture through pregnancy, a connection develops with the human living inside your body. A woman houses that baby for 9 months, that is three-quarters of a year!  (Or fight in court for the baby you are about to adopt for months, even years on end). Next, you give up every single moment to the helpless angel who needs you constantly in the midst of its simplistic eat, sleep, poop lifestyle.  Even with the exhaustion and stench from your own, showerless body - you can’t help but love your child.  The sleepless nights get exchanged for a million other challenges you face each day over eighteen years and its easy to think…

THIS KID BELONGS TO ME!

God had to remind me, that those children that came from my body (or from a court process) still are his.  I am the guardian not the owner. Knowing I have my kids on loan provides me with some great accountability.  I have to answer to God one day for how I “trained up” (Proverbs 22:6) his children. 

Parenthood can be a helpless existence as our kids face sickness, disease, injuries, emotional traumas, relational issues and for some, even death.  We don’t have control often in the things our kids go through, but when we keep the proper perspective of their ownership we experience a freedom in the knowledge that they belong to an all-powerful God who loves them and has a plan.  It doesn’t always make sense and can even seem like God has forgotten or is no longer there.  

That is why the story of Joseph (Genesis 37 - 50) resonates so much with me.  In the beginning of the story, this boy is subjected to great injustice, even cruelty, but knowing the whole story you see that God used the horrible to bring about not only wonderful but salvation for multiple nations.  

We live these timelines and we try to define each moment and yet sometimes the best endings come through the strangest and hardest of paths.  

You will screw up as a parent, spouse, employee, boss, friend, and even human, but God is bigger than that. He fills in our gaps and leads us to places we never imagined if we hang on through the tough stuff.  

Knowing he is the owner of our kids and our lives can free us to be the people we were made to be and give us peace in the midst of tragedy and loss.  

When Your Best Isn't Enough

Do you ever feel like your best just isn’t good enough?  

I think most of us can answer, “yes” to that question.  

The truth is -  my best isn’t good enough.  

I can’t do it all.  

I wear a lot of hats and they can get exhausting.  I wasn't made to do all that I do.  

I was created with limitations and needs for things such as rest and relationships, both of which require a pause button from the rat race I run in daily.  

I am both a working mom and a stay-at-home mom.  I live the best and worst of both worlds.  Usually when I am rocking it in one area, I am behind or bombing in another area.  

The feminist movement has given us a lot of freedoms as women, but its also given us some unfair expectations.  We are expected to work and raise a family simultaneously, while looking good in the process!  That is a lot of pressure and as a result, we end up expecting too much out of ourselves subsequently beating ourselves up when we don’t hit the mark.  

My “to-do” list is always full and even if I go strong all day knocking items off the list, I still won’t come close to getting it all done.  Here's two things I hope will help.  

1. God Has A Plan Beyond What We See 

Today, a friend shared with me a few bumps in her road of late, but because of her time in the Bible and in prayer with God, she was prepared to view those setbacks with spiritual eyes.  It gave her the ability to see God in the midst of the issues she had encountered.  Instead of letting that pit her against her Lord, she sat in the lap of Jesus and got on board with his plan.  

2. God Takes Our Mistakes and Makes Miracles

I distinctly recall a moment when I was talking to God about my many issues as a mom.  I felt like the latest test had found me lacking and I was wallowing in self-pity and giving myself a good figurative flogging.  In the midst of my tear-filled verbal purging, I heard God say in my spirit, 

“Carrie, I know you will make mistakes as a mom, but it is in those shortcomings that your kids will get to meet with me and walk it out in our relationship.”  

It blew my mind, to think God had intention for my mistakes.  God had a plan - even for my overloaded mommy explosions.  He planned to use it for his glory as he fulfilled his word in Proverbs 27:17, when he says: 

As iron sharpens iron,

    so one person sharpens another.

We weren’t called to do it all, raise the perfect kids or aim at perfection in life at all.  We were created for relationship with God and others.   We serve a God that is big enough to do it all.  When we surrender our path to him, we can find him in each turn along the road.  We can see him work in spite of our full plate and the dropped balls along the way.  

I find each day that I start with God, I end up accomplishing exactly what I need to - nothing more, nothing less.  It doesn’t all get knocked off the list but the important things do.  

Are you struggling to find that balance between work life and mom life?  Are you drowning in a sea of to-do lists?  Time with God isn’t just about adding something else to your list - its about adjusting your list to be in alignment with his will; knowing that God breaths life into even the most devastating of days.  He’s got this - YOU can trust HIM!

Baby, Maybe?

Today, I have two beautiful babies, but for five years I was unsure I'd ever get to this place. Since this is "National Infertility Awareness Week," I thought I'd share my story.  

My husband and I married ten years ago and I had an instant family with his two girls. I love my role as stepmom, but felt like an outsider looking in at times as my husband and his girls had traditions and memories that didn't include me.  I was coming in late in the game and didn't know what my stepdaughters had been like as babies.  I missed out on the process and it was a challenging reality.  I hoped adding our kids to the mix would give us a better sense of family. I've dreamed of having kids since girlhood, and I was devastated when we weren't getting pregnant.

People tell you if you, "relax and don't think about it, you will get pregnant." 

First of all, that's just not true! Yes, stress can be a negative factor in conceiving and there are things you can try to help your chances (and I did most of them), but it isn't simple enough to just say, "relax." There are a lot of factors as to why someone isn't getting pregnant and pinpointing one element as the easy fix isn't fair or accurate.

Second, "just relax" is impossible! Each month you get this reminder that there is no baby when you get your period. Periods aren't fun to begin with, but when it mocks you in your desire to have children, it's even less fun!

I'm a Christian, raised in church and Christian school and I know the passages in the Bible that speak of children being a blessing and it was a blessing I deeply desired.  I struggled with how God could keep me barren and what that meant about me and my value to him. I began to feel less of a woman because I didn't have my own kids. 

The reality was, I may never have a child of my own. That gut wrenching truth plagued me and forced me to face my God to get answers. Instead of asking,"Will I have a baby?" I went to God wanting to know, "who am I if I never do?"

When life turns upside down, the best course of action isn't to run from God or lean in, in hopes of getting what you want, but instead lean in to discover Him in a new way.  Trust me when I say this is easier said than done, but it's what we were created for, a relationship with our Creator! 

I cried out to God and bawled my eyes out and finally came to a place where I accepted that I may never be called "mom" from my own flesh and blood. I was able to meet God there and tell him, I would trust him, follow him and love him, even if I never had a baby (usually said in tears).  This was an amazing crossroads, not because I could now get the magic key to have a baby but because I saw God beyond a baby. I trusted God to fulfill my purpose, even if that meant biological motherlessness. 

My day did come. I was elated when I found out I was having a baby, I called everyone I knew before the pee on the stick could dry.  I posted on Facebook and shouted from every mountain that I was having a baby. I started my doctor visits and readied for my new reality. 

Then one day, the doctor had a concern about the heart beat and ordered another ultrasound. I went in to discover the baby wasn't going to make it and I was going to have a miscarriage. That night I woke up in excruciating pain and after several hours of contractions, I miscarried my baby. 

The horror of having to wait years again and losing this baby, whom I already loved, seemed unbearable! Suddenly, as if on cue, everyone I knew seemed to be getting pregnant and it was hard not to be jealous of the babies they had in their bellies. I wasn't sure I could go on, but I chose to praise God for being all-knowing and all-powerful and all-loving in the midst of my deepened pain. I again told him, I trusted.

Six months later, I was pregnant again.  This time I waited to tell people to make sure I would sustain this baby.  I was nervous the whole time waiting, hoping this time would be different. Then four months early I ended up in the hospital with early contractions nervous of what would happen.  They were able to give me a shot and help me make it until delivery day.  Four years later without any plans to have another, we were blessed with a second baby! 

Hindsight truly is amazing because now I look back and am grateful that I was able to give my attention to my stepdaughters and now, that they are grown, can give attention to my little ones as they need it. I don't think I would have been capable of that juggle and I see God had a plan.

 I know not every story ends like mine. Some who seek motherhood, never find it, at least not in the traditional sense. But God wasn't silent on this matter.  Many nights I was comforted by scriptures like Isaiah 54:1 that reminded me how many children I've mothered who never came from my womb but needed me all the same and I consider that role a great honor. 

““Sing, barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband,” says the Lord.”

Isaiah 54:1 NIV

My heart will always grieve with the woman who longs for a baby, maybe even going to great financial lengths only to find themselves without that desire met. There are no words to ease your pain, but I wish a life of joy for you in your journey, may your life birth a purpose that encourages you through the heartache. For truth is despite the pain, your value is not based on the number of children you have. You are a beauty of great worth on your own. 

Prayer Not Pinterest

This year I began writing in a notebook solely for prayer time. It has amazed me how some intentionality and quiet time has increased what I hear from God through the Bible and prayer. 

 About a month ago, I read a chapter in Arlene Pellicane's book, "31 Days to Becoming a Happy Mom," that discussed how we should go to God, not Google when trials first arise and it convicted me. I often run to my search engine to discover an ailment or parenting strategy before going to my Heavenly Father. I have made an effort to correct this by asking God my question first and quietly wait for a reply. Since that change I have been amazed by the answers I have heard from our Lord. 

One morning I was praying for a way to discipline common issues we face in our home. I wanted a solution I could also participate in when I made a mistake so I could model my mess-ups and corrections as well. God gave me an idea! 

This idea would have been something I could only have dreamed to have populated my Pinterest feed. What provision! I quickly got to work. 

I highlighted five issues we often encounter: 

Treatment of Others, 

Our Words, 

Need for Gratitude (When you have an attitude, you need gratitude), 

Fear and 

Anger. 

 I used popsicle sticks and divided them with food coloring (1/4 c rubbing alcohol 40 drops food coloring) solution into said categories. Once the sticks had soaked and dried, I then wrote the category on one side and a scripture reference on the other. 

Treatment of Others - Undyed 

Our Words - Blue 

Need for Gratitude - Green 

Anger - Red 

Fear - Purple 

Once all of them were completed I added them to a jar and positioned it on the kitchen table. 

We have since added a Bible to the counter, because some days we are looking up a lot of passages. My prayer is that our family will learn scripture as we discipline our lives in these key problem areas. I know if I continue to pray, this can be a fruitful exercise. 

Afterall, Isaiah 55:11 tells us, "so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it." 

Here are just a few more verses on the power of the word of God. 

Hebrews 4:12 For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. 

2 Timothy 3:16 All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness. 

Romans 1:16 For I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes, to the Jew first and also to the Greek.

Joshua 1:8 This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success. 

Psalm 119:105 Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path. 

Psalm 119:11 I have stored up your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you.

Spiritual Life - Finding Nemo Epiphany

Lately, my son has been on a "Finding Nemo" kick. So I have seen it several times over the past few weeks.

Often children's movies and books lead me to ponder spiritual concepts, and this is no exception. As I have been watching, my mind has wandered to the issue of my anxiety and fear. In previous posts I have talked about my fears and how this year I was facing them. A recent trip to the counselor's office, revealed a huge amount of anxiety that I just live with on a regular basis. The great news for me personally is that our discussion was in fact an answer to prayer because I have been asking God, "Why am I so easily angered?" I can now see a direct link between my issues with anger and my level of anxiety. Now I can attack it head on. I've started with an anxiety journal to track my freak outs and the roots of them. It has really placed me in a quandary, questioning what I am even afraid will happen if my "worst case scenario" were to actually happen or what that even looks like. I know most of it comes from some of the negative experiences I walked through as a child. The things that made to question God.

When I watch Marlin in "Finding Nemo" I see a fish with the same issues that I face. His character experiences an act of fear and subsequent loss. That one act paralyzes him from living. Fear has him limiting his experiences and his son's (did you ever think a Disney movie would ever spawn such a deep thought?)and then he faces another barrier when Nemo is taken. That leads him on this adventure where he stares in the face of all that his mind could ever fear. At some point he just has to give in to the journey and trust. There is no more reasoning and others are acting on his behave without his knowledge and he just has to have faith. Who knew Dory actually spoke Whale and the Whale wasn't going to eat them but help them?!

Who knew the umpteenth time of watching this beloved Disney story, that it would speak to me exactly where I am in life right now. I can't control every detail of my life. Worrying about it doesn't help, yet I walk out in fear and anxiety about things out of my control because its what I've done for so long, its my auto-response. Taking a step back, a deep breath and asking myself some reflective questions are the start to a new life of just trusting in God when its out of my control. Its asking him for guidance when it is a decision I have to make and trusting him walk it out with me.

If we are all being honest, I believe we get good at living life in autopilot. Stop. Take a deep breath and join me: question your choices, your routine, your reactions and begin to reprogram the answers that do not make any sense. And when the whale says, "let go." Just do it, and embrace your inner Dory.