The Human Connection

I am a people person born before the days of internet. I love a good text message to share a meeting time or answer a quick question, but in my world texting isn't for conversations.  I love to talk on the phone with friends and family.  I love meeting a friend for lunch or at a coffee shop.  I love spending time getting to know people.  That is just me.  Its how I am.

The rise of the internet has gifted us with abilities and opportunities that were once unimaginable.  I love being able to video chat with my mom and my sister in Ohio.  I have friends in different states, countries and continents, and its amazing to stay connected and see their children grow up.  I can expand my business beyond my city and state, order my Starbucks from home, I can glean from ministries all over the world and even watch the daily life of my favorite celebrities.  It has amazing possibilities.

However, computer relationships are not the same as face-to-face human encounters.  When you look at our social media culture, I'm not sure it reflects this truth.  Sure the rise in suicides seemed to stand side by side with the increase in time spent online with social media "friends," and researchers and authors have shared that connection, but by and large, I don't think we truly believed we were missing much by replacing human contact with internet relationships, and if we did see it, we weren't doing a lot about the living online problem.

Then came COVID-19.  Thank God for the internet!  We would not survive without it, but even with the year supply of toilet paper delivered to our homes, and a weekly, or even, daily zoom meeting, a month or more into Shelter in Place and its obvious something is missing.  Can you feel it? There is this void where human connection once lived, because no video can duplicate the power of a human in your presence that you can hug and hang out with.  Something weird is happening, all of a sudden I'm getting phone calls from my introvert friends!  Why? Even those people who are fine on their own without many people around, still need human contact.  Their need for people time may be lower than mine, but its not, non-existent.  (I know, that is a double negative).

God created man and woman in the garden.  He started our world and he sent us out into the world he created with a desire for him and each other.  Guess what?  Relationships are an essential need.  I think this may just in fact be the jolt we all need to recognize a pivotal shift is imperative as we create space for more meaningful face-to-face relationships.

I hope this is a reality check that we need to block out time in our lives, put down our phones, and be with other people.  This isn't just to be there for others, but to fill an intrinsic need within our own selves.  Taking care of oneself involves relationship, both spiritual and human.

We need human connection to survive.  Something that has hit me in all of this, is the fact that if this were to be the new normal for the rest of life or even life for the next few years, then that is not a life worth living.  Taking out the personal freedoms and connection with people, takes all the life out of life.  I love my family and I love the time I get with them, but being able to move about the earth deepens those relationships.  Being able to be with friends meets needs I have that my family can't fill.

So what about you?  What have you noticed about human connection in this time?  Who are the people you miss most?  How can you let them know their value to you, even now?  How can you re-prioritize when all this is done?  How have you taken human connection for granted?  We have an opportunity to take advantage of this gift and balance out the benefits of our internet and local worlds.  Obviously, I'm not advocating you break Shelter in Place, but I am advocating for more intentional living when we are able to resume a life with people outside our homes.

I Am Not You

"I Am Not You!" 

This is something we should all repeat to ourselves on a daily basis every time we feel the nudge that says -

that woman has her act together more than me.  

She looks better, 

is more organized, 

is better at getting her kids to school on time, 

has more going for her, 

is a better cook,

has more friends because she's more outgoing or

is a better person of faith than me. 

The truth is: she is not you. 

The need for this statement isn't just a moment of reflection in my bag of insecurities, instead its found in the consistent, repetitive comments I hear in conversations with other women, we all have that voice that reaches out of our own area of weakness and grabs hold of that one woman who has other strengths.  But we aren't the women around us. 

If I've said it once, I've said it a hundred times.  

You get to be you!

No one else gets that honor.  I often feel like a disheveled mess next too the moms I stand beside at pick up or sit next to in a mom circle at whatever meeting, Bible study or prayer group we may be at, and yet, I know there are people out there who look at me with a level of jealously that I don't get.  I see all of me while others see only a portion.  I can forget where I stand out and how I add when get sucked into the comparison trap.  The thing is we may not often feel confident, but that doesn't mean we don't try.  

I have no problem, blubbering through a first conversation with a woman I'd like to befriend, because despite any word stumbles, I know the friendship is worth it, and the potential rejection is worth knowing, she's not my people.

I do put myself out there, but its not because I always feel comfortable doing it, its because I know its worth the embarrassment I might encounter.  I try new things because I like the discovery of it all. Not everything sticks and it doesn't have to.  On the flipside, I don't try certain things because of fear and that is what I need to work on.  You and I will inevitably have different strengths and weakness.  That my friends is beautiful!

Ladies, we need to get this.  Why?  Because we have a generation of kids coming up who are living online.  They have filters and retakes and other ways to hid or try again before they put themselves out there.  If a post doesn't get the desired response, they can remove it.  They don't have life teaching them that they will fail and that's okay.  This is setting them up to be devastated when they are rejected, lonely and when they do in fact, fail.  The rise in suicide rates is in doubt, connected to the internet world that is our reality.  I'm not saying its all bad, but we have recognize where the dangers are located so we can navigate through them. 

If we are able to show our kids and our friends' kids that we can step up to the plate in the face of fear, and that is okay because we are who we were made to be, then we are giving them the tools they need to do the same. 

I am not someone that thinks who I am out the gate is a perfect woman, but I do think I have to own up to who I am to ever have a chance at being the best me.  I have to acknowledge who God designed me to be and love what he created, and then once I see that I am not the cookie cutter person as the others I encounter, God can mold me more into his image.  

That takes awkward encounters and uncomfortable moments.  It means embracing the difficult for the goal on the other side.  

Dare to see yourself the way your creator did when he made you and said, "It is good." Dare to embrace the way you add to the world instead of comparing how you are deficient to the women around you.  Dare to model courage and vulnerability in the way you face relationships and life.  Dare to live outside your comfort zone in order to have the best life possible.  

Still don't think you can do that one thing? Guess what, we may not have the strength in ourselves, but if we have God, he gives us what we need to step up and step out! Go read these verses and be encouraged!

Psalm 22:19

Psalm 28:7-8

Psalm 46:1

Isaiah 35:4

Isaiah 40:29

Isaiah 40:31

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Ephesians 6:10

So Let's Do This! 

Heartless

Last week, I sat in a hospital room with a family I've known for years.  The mother lay in the hospital bed in her last days, actually hours, as she died two hours after I went home that night. 

 Two weeks ago, I was on vacation and got word that a missionary friend got sick and took a sudden turn for the worse and died without notice it was coming.  

Three weeks ago as I left for vacation I was missing the funeral for a friend who was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and died two months later.

If you ask me, that's a lot of death to cross my path in one month.  I am an empath, which means I feel things.  I love and hate that fact about me.  It allows me to reach out to people and be a comfort in hard times, it allows me to see both sides of issues and find common ground, but it also can overwhelm me.

 I in no way ever want to make someone else's pain about me and take attention away from their grieving, but I still feel the suffering.  The reality is, as one who works in pastoral care for a church, my business is to be there.  I love to be there for others. I want it no other way, but as I sat and looked at a woman I had conversations with, and shared life with, I realized, I need to be careful.

I can't let the grief around me swallow me whole and leave me in depression city, but on the flip side I also can't let it turn me into someone heartless.  It could be easy to flip the switch and just stop feeling, but that would help no one.

I love this song by Adrien Reju! I heard it on a Hallmark movie, searched and found the song and artist.  I learned to play it on my guitar and sung it for a voice recital several years ago.  I think her words remind us of the importance of finding that balance in life between letting the turmoil around us take us down or alternatively, harden us.

Instead I have to find the balance. It takes work.  For me the relationship I have with Jesus and time in scripture help me.  My relationships with others is also a crucial component to my mental health and lastly, all things funny, help me keep my balance.  I have to be encouraged, loved on and laugh.

Have you ever thought about the extremes you are prone to?  What helps you live in balance?  What do you need to be careful of?  Are you paying attention to those things or just ignoring them and then getting discouraged when life seems to crash and burn?  Maybe its time to find what that looks like for you.  I know finding it for me, is crucial in life! Happy Wednesday! 

Begin with the End In Mind

Friday, I was at a funeral.

Sidebar: I've actually been to more of those than the average person. I have a big family, so growing up I was always at a funeral for some great uncle or aunt, and over the past sixteen years, I've worked at a church with a sizable elderly population.  That means a lot of funerals.

I know a lot of people hate funerals.  Truthfully, I really love what a funeral reminds me of.
* It reminds me of my purpose in life.
* I also love honoring people.  You always learn more about someone and the life they led.  Any life is worth celebrating, because there something good in everyone.
*Showing up for them and their families feels like an amazing gift too.

Friday, I was reminded that one conversation or even smile can make an impact for 40 to even 70 years in the heart and life of those around us because we never know what insignificant thing to us makes an impact in the life of someone else.

When I was in college, I remember being asked to write out my eulogy.  I've done it with the teens in my youth group over the years too.  I mean, how can we know if we are on track unless we look at where we want to be.  We only get so many years, are we making the most of the journey?  I don't believe in reincarnation so I don't think I will get another shot.  This life is it.

Looking at what we want in the end also lets us see what we've already accomplished. That is a great encouragement.

Besides the eulogy, there's also asking the question: What do I want people to say at my funeral?

What do you want people to remember?

When we look at goals, sometimes we become too short-sighted and just think what we want right now and forget long-term perspective.  Life is a marathon, not a sprint.

For me, relationships matter most.  I love my relationship with Jesus, my Savior and the beautiful people in my life.  I cherish people and making an impact in their lives, and that is what I want in the end.

What do you want your eulogy to say?  Write it, post it where you can see it and be reminded where you want to go.  It helps in getting there!

God bless you this fine January day! Make the most out of the one life you get, because trust me, it matters!!!

What We Can Learn From Elf on the Shelf

I don't personally have an "Elf on the Shelf" in my house.  Its not that I am a hater of the Christmas tradition, I just don't have time for that PLUS I want there to be more of a Jesus focus in my house. Everything else seems to be so focused on the gifts under the tree and that just seems to foster materialism in my kiddos.  I can't do nothing so instead we do have the "Star From Afar" .  Its been fun and seems to help me strike the balance I'm looking for.  Santa does visit this house and my kiddos have their lists for what they want to get from us and Santa this year.  I'm letting you know all of this because as I've been scrolling through my various social media feeds I've seen a variety of perspectives:

- Friends who don't do Santa at all
- Friends, like me, who do Santa but no Elf
-Videos like this one from the (amazing) Holderness Family who have an Elf that's lazy
- Friends that do the Elf with some creativity but nothing anyone is Pinning
- Friends who go Elf crazy with creative feats every night

Here's the thing.  There isn't a right way, there is just personal preference.  Each of us can do it our way without shaming someone else for doing it differently.  We need to model this example in more areas than an Elf on the Shelf.  We all need more grace these days instead of everyone throwing things at their perceived opponent in life's opinion wars.

I definitely applaud the passion and conviction I see in my friends and family.  Heck, have you met me? I usually have an opinion and am willing to rant at the invitation (or perceived invitation - ha!)

But let's take a minute and hear each other out and realize there may be 5 variations of doing things, 5 plus opinions on each subject and we might actually learn something from a person in a different category than us.

Before you call someone a moron for thinking xy or z, stop and ask, how they see it?  Sometimes we have to put ourselves on pause and look deeper to see someone else.  Sure, it may not change our minds (I am not getting an Elf just because my friends have one and are rocking their elf morning findings), but I can appreciate others even in our differences.

Take for example the "Baby It's Cold Outside" debacle.  I read the lyrics and I can completely see rape culture in there, and yet when I read an article from the daughter of the song writer, I saw that the culture of that day meant something different and maybe instead of banning the song we just open discussion and teach our kids to dig deeper and discover the messages beyond our own framework of understanding.  Words 60, 20 and even 2 years ago don't always mean the same thing as when we encounter said words, so learning to inject culture in our understanding is a major life skill. 

I know some of you may think, "Carrie grow a backbone and pick a side." There are times when I do, do just that, but we have become too polarized and need to take a minute and find a way to work together.  Can we respect people we don't agree with?  I say yes! We need to practice respectfully disagreeing.  That might take a step away from the computer (funny as you are reading this on a screen), but finding balance in spending time with actual people versus virtual time, is important because it reestablishes an ability to see the person and not just pummel thoughts behind the protection of a screen.

Let's learn something from the Elf on the Shelf beyond that is poops Hershey kisses and takes marshmallow baths.  What areas of life do you need to check out other view points for the purpose of appreciating difference and allowing yourself to see the person and not just the issue?  You got this.  Now go out there and have a MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!! 

4 Life Lessons from Frozen

As you read this, I am at Disneyland (well you know if you read this when I post it, otherwise who knows where I am when you read this).  For some time, I have been making note of life lessons from the Disney movie, Frozen, as it is my three-year-old's favorite and I've seen it more than I can count.

So while I wait in line for my daughter to get her picture with Anna and Elsa,  you can enjoy the deep thoughts this mom thought after her 300th time watching Frozen!

So here we go...


1. Rejection isn't always about you - 

I know you have to watch a Disney movie a lot to put yourself in the characters' shoes, but I really feel bad for Anna.  She has a best friend in her sister and then one day its gone.  Her parents die and she's alone and lonely.  She has no idea why Elsa won't engage with her and as we all do when we don't know the answers we fill in the gaps with guesses.  Obviously, Anna never guessed the truth was what it actually was, but in our own lives when we get rejected or treated badly we often ask what we have done wrong when truthfully more times that not it has NOTHING to do with us! In the case of Anna, she was asking and no one was telling her anything, but most of us never ask, we just assume.  We all know assuming makes an ass of u and me, right?!  So please get more information!!! Quality relationships that are worth it!

2. We aren't meant to do it alone - 

Even after Elsa's secret gets out and she sees what she is capable of she's still motivated by fear and hell bent on doing it alone.  So many of us are independent and that is great, but we all need others.  Some of us have more relational needs than others and I know when we are scared or ashamed of our reality our knee jerk reaction is to push everyone away, but that is NEVER the answer.  When you are in a bad place, you need to lean into trusted family and friends.  Isolation makes things worse not better.  I see it happen all the time so its not just Elsa's problem.  If you see someone in your life pulling away, reach out.  You can't make them do the right thing but you can do your part to remind them you are there.

3. Fear is never a good motivator - 

Whenever fear is motivating us to do life, we will end up in a mess - guaranteed!  Fear is a recipe for disaster.  Love is in fact the only thing that can conquer fear.  That was a fact long before Frozen came out.  In fact the Bible shares this truth over and over again!  God is love (1 John 4:8) and perfect love drives out fear (1 John 4:18).  It is important to ask yourself what is driving your life.  If you ever answer fear, its time for a pit stop to regroup and overcome that fear before moving forward.

4.  Being Yourself Isn't Enough -

When Elsa finally shares her secret she feels a sense of freedom.  She let's it all go (well thats what the song says).  She feels a freedom to finally give into her power.  The thing is, she still isn't free.  The ice making fun ends when she realizes she's left everyone in a winter world and accidentally freezes her sister's heart.  When this happened she made herself the monster instead of realizing that freedom isn't in being whatever we are, but learning balance. She was never meant to hide it or fully give into it, but to balance it.  When she learned how to control it with love, she finally found the balance.  She had freedom to be herself and the relationships and love she needs.  Instead of making herself the enemy, she needed to make the problem the problem and find a solution.

I was able to relate to this with my own anger.  I am a passionate person and its got some great benefits and liabilities.  So instead of pushing others away and trying to be something I'm not, I have to find out what works for me and keep working on it until I get it right.  What works for me may not work for someone else and visa versa which is why comparison is so often an enemy.  We need to be us, but we also need to be in community and find a way to bring us to society.  That takes love, work and discipline, but its worth it!

Two Kinds of People

I sat in church recently and just gazed at my son sitting next to me.  I am in awe sometimes of who he is because even though my husband I had part in making him, he grew in my body, I birthed him and we have raised him since then - he is his own person.  As parents we help him grow but part of that journey is discovering who he is.  At the end of the day, God made him. 

I pulled him close and whispered something into his ear that I wanted to share with you. 

There are two kinds of people in this world.

1. People who want to discover who you are and get to know you.

2.  People who judge you and try to make you something they want you to be. 

Show love to everyone, but make sure the people you spend time with are people in the first group.  Be around people who want to know you, instead of the people who tell you who to be.  That can be hard in our world, where people say they are individuals yet put their energy into being just like everyone else.  Yet being ourselves is necessary for personal happiness, holiness and freedom.  God made us with a purpose and the world is suffering if we aren't being ourselves.  God may transform us more into his likeness as we seek him in relationship but that comes from the freedom of living in the shoes he placed us in. 

I didn't end the lesson with that point because I felt it imperative I finish up the lesson by adding - you also need to be the first person.  Its easy to judge people, but its harder to dig deeper and find out who they are and what makes them tick.  Doing so is worth it.  Deeper relationships happen through authenticity.

Last night I was at a local summer book club.  We are reading through, "UnAshamed" by Christine Caine.  One of the discussion questions was something like, "Do you hang out with people with the goal of friendship and fitting in or for respect?"  As we discussed, we noted as teens and young adults our aim is often to fit in and be accepted, and its not until we get older that we realize the importance of being respected.

Dr. Henry Cloud shares in his book, "Changes that Heal," that true bonding isn't possible without proper boundaries.  Respect is a part of that.  We can't get close to people who don't respect where they end and we begin.

Do you foster relationships that bring healing to your life and bring out the best in you and others or do the relationships in your life bring about pain and unhealthy conflict?

We get to choose how we want our lives to be - well, at some level. Too often we complain about the things we can't control and passively accept the circumstances and people we have a say about.  I'm not advocating mistreatment of others, instead, I am encouraging you to be and be around the first type of person I listed above.  Show love to the second time of person but keep your emotional distance.  They need to learn to be the first type of person and you can model it for them by being the first person.  We all deserve the best relationships, do you have those in your life? What are the biggest obstacles you face in being the first person? I'd love to hear from you!  Happy Wednesday!

Having It All

When we think about having it all, we often think of having the perfect spouse and kids, perfect job, great car, dream home...you get the picture.  Today, I read a post from a local acquaintance who shared a photo of her porch after someone had helped themselves to her bench and cushions during the night.

As I thought about this tragedy I realized, we have it wrong when we think about "having it all."

Yes, the person who took her stuff, now has a new bench set or the money from illegally selling it, but they left something on that porch that they can't get back.  When they made the choice to take something that wasn't theirs, they traded in their character for it.  They lost a part of themselves.  Sure, people who do these things usually lost those things a long time ago, but who we are is more important than the possessions or accolades we acquire.

I'm sure many of us can agree with that statement, but I can tell you when I yell at my kids for accidentally breaking something in our house - the disrespect I show in response to a mistake is sending a message that things matter more than they do and that is not a message I want to send.

Truly, having it all is accomplished by character building experiences and self-denial as we love those around us.   The things in our heart, the people we are, that is what we take with us when we die.  So grabbing for what belongs to others so we can have it, isn't doing us any favors.

Matthew 6:19-21 (NIV) 

“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.  For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

Some of you might be asking, "How does this apply to me? I don't steal stuff off people's porches?" But how many times do we put things before character or before others?  How often do we do things to be liked someone else or to fit in?  If we miss out on being ourselves, we are being robbed of that gift.   This lesson is for all of us in some way.  Maybe its to have compassion for the person stealing because they have got the aim of life all wrong.  Loving people the way Jesus did means caring for them without conditions.  Yes, Jesus expected people to stop with the destructive behavior but he loved them first.  Love is what drew them to him and in that love he spoke truth into their lives.  When we care for people we understand the lies they believe that have led them to where they are now.  It doesn't mean we let them get by with bad behavior, it just means we look beyond the offense and see the person.  Can you imagine the better world we would have if everyone did that?  Where are you off the mark with how you live your life and have it all?  What are you grabbing for that isn't yours in the first place?  I'd love to hear how this truth applies to your life - you may be able to teach me something!!!  Happy Wednesday!

Unrequited Gratitude

Its no secret, I am one sentimental gal!!!  I'm also pretty silly so I stay balanced.  When I left Doulos Ministries in 2002, my parting gifts were a giggle and rock because of my infamous laugh and a box of tissues because I am ALWAYS CRYING! Its true, I cry a lot.  I'm not sad all the time, I cry in times of joy or just when my heart is so full it just can't take it.  I'm this way because I am a feeler.  To be more specific I'm an ENFJ on the Meyers Briggs test, a Sanguine/Choleric in the four temperaments test and a Helper on the Enneagram test.  Just in case you wondered.

I get that not everyone is like me, but I know I'm not alone - some of you are feelers like myself.  That is why last week when I talked about saying goodbye, its a big deal to me.  Moving a lot hasn't helped me, I just feel tied to a lot of people in a lot of places.

So why am I telling you all this?

Because all those people in all those places mean something to me.  I was posting a photo of a friend early today, as we had our last get together before she and her family moved.  I was all of a sudden taken down years of memories with them person.  Then I was overcome by overwhelming emotion.  I felt this gratitude for what she had added to my journey.  She had been a sounding board, a confidant - a friend!

Tonight on the other side of the country, people gather to say "thank-you" to a pastor and his wife after they retire following 38 years of ministry at their local church - a church, I grew up in.  This pastor was also a part of my journey.  I can remember sitting in his office in 5th (ish) grade as he counseled me through some very difficult times.

When I look at all the people over the years who have deposited amazingness into my life its wonderfully mind-boggling! Every little drop of love has filled my heart with joy!

Yes, there have been people who have hurt me, and brought pain into my life.  Yes, I have had to work hard, pray hard and lean way into God to get past it all, but despite all that, the kindness, sacrifice and love I've been shown far surpasses the pain!

What about you?  Can you think of all the people who have encouraged you, supported you and just plain been there for you over the years?  Maybe its time to tell people what they mean to you.  I think its high time I do!  In the state of the world where suicide is rising at alarming rates, as seen this past week with Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain leaving this world as a result of suicide, I am reminded to share the love.  I am reminded to stay in community and be proactive in my relationships.  I don't want to let the opportunity to let people know their impact, pass by unrequited.

God made me with a purpose, but he used a lot of people to shape me into the woman I am today.  You never know how someone's otherwise everyday actions can have lasting impressions in your soul, until that one comment stays with you forever.

I have had a few people message me or text me letting me know something I wrote on here encouraged them, and that actually means something to me, because I can begin to question whether or not I should keep writing each week, so thank you!!!

Let's start talking about what matters and let people know how much you appreciate their part in your life.  Don't be surprised if you hear from me, though it may take some time because I have a lot of people to thank!!!

Generational Culture Shock

On a recent trip onto a junior high campus, I was stunned by the reality of teenagers today.  I am approaching 40 at the end of this year and I have worked with teenagers for over 15 years, and I can tell you, the generation coming up now and the little ones following them are nothing like us!  Yes, as we get older the divide between the older folks and youngin's does increase, but that is not what I am talking about. 

We are entering new territory. 

I recently cheered at a friend's Facebook post as she was sharing her kids encounters with Alexa.  As she eloquently shared her life and the conclusions she was drawing, she noted that to children today, virtual assistants and technology just is.  There is no question of life before because it is just reality, she then equated it to electricity for us.  I've seen Downton Abbey and other period shows and movies and see that transition into life with electricity and yet, I've never really thought about it.  Electricity just is.  I don't worry about what life would be without it because, its life. 

This is the new territory I am discussing.  As I approach teenagers, I have to approach it like I do when I travel.  I've travelled around 27 countries in my lifetime (even with my 7 year international hiatus) and what I love about the experiences I've collected is the way I see people.  I use their culture and customs as the lens for when I interact with people of different cultures, not my own. 

If you were raised in a world where there were no computers or cell phones (let alone smart phones), then this is the mindset you must take to interact with younger generations.  Because they don't understand your analog mindset in their digital world.

This difference is NOT your excuse just to stay away and keep isolated in your generation bubble.  That would be wrong, why? 

1. You need younger people to help you see their world and to understand the changes that are happening, even at a novice level because it changes so FAST!

2.  They need you!  Kids today aren't taught how to have unscripted conversations (thanks for revealing that, Craig Groeschel), they can't decipher real relationships for superficial acquaintances.  They don't know how to reach out when life gets hard and how to have proper boundaries with the people they encounter.  This is a problem!

Sure many adults don't get these things, but there is a difference between personality differences and cultural norms.  Life online has eliminated relational depth.  The internet isn't going away so instead of being annoyed by the change, its time to infuse the culture with the connection abilities us old folks grew up with. 

While a lot has changed, some things never change. God made us for relationship and in fact, he not only made us to need it from each other, he made us because he wanted one with us.  Our need for connection, intimacy and living in a trusted community are crucial no matter what our culture we ascribe.  Yes, its hard to step out into the world or even just out of your world, but its necessary!

I believe a lot of the violence we are seeing comes from this need for real in a superficial reality (of course its not the only cause), but loneliness and unmet hunger for connection can have devasting results.  Intergenerational communication can help alleviate the soul holes many are facing. 

This is why I love working with teenagers!  Not only do I learn the latest phrases, but I get to be in relationship with them and allow them to give to their peers the real stuff in life and be people that made me proud! Go out there and get uncomfortable and messy and engage someone in a different age range than you.  Some of my best friends hover around 80 and 18.  This is the way life should be!!!!

Do You See A Trend?

You never know how some aspect of your childhood will later affect you.  When I was seven years old, my mom and I moved from North Carolina to Indiana.  It wasn't supposed to be a move, it was supposed to be a stop along the way to Santa Cruz, California, but don't we all know sometimes plans change. 

My mom had my sister, Catie, shortly after our move and the three of us shared a bed in my grandpa's two bedroom trailer.  It may have been tight courters but I didn't notice.  I loved those 4 years.  Those four years have left me with a plethora of memories.  My grandpa, known to me as Pappy, was one of 8 siblings. His only brother and a few of his sisters still lived in Kentucky, where he was from, but three of his sisters lived in New Castle, Indiana, as well.  We had a lot of family gatherings and I loved my great-aunts.  They got together regularly for cards, quilting, family dinners and just for "loafing" (hanging out).  Pappy would spend the winters in Florida fishing, which meant that we'd gather for fish fries (frying up fish) quite a lot in the spring and summer.  I didn't realize how that affected me until recent years. 

I've said goodbye to friends who lost a battle with cancer, or have seen friends mourn the loss of a child, but many of my friends' funerals are like the dear friend I said goodbye to earlier this year.  She didn't lose a battle with cancer, she just finished her race.  She was over the age of 90 and full of life until the end.  

Yesterday, I said goodbye to another friend, she also wasn't a spring chicken.  She was 89 years old when she closed her eyes in her hospital bed for the last time.

 

I realized, I'm starting to see a trend.  Reality is I hang out with a lot of older people.  Part of it is because of my role on staff at a church, but then again, I am the youth pastor.  I have made it a part of my job to integrate generations.  We do service projects for retirement homes and have had several older volunteers join us. 

When I question where that desire came from I see the thread leading back to those four years in Indiana.  Going over to Aunt Mary's house, or eating a huge spread at Aunt Abbie's or even spending hours with Aunt Helma, influenced me - not to mention quality time with my Pappy.  Wednesday night church services ending with a trip to Dairy Queen, sitting in the garage with him learning to whittle, or running around with him on his moped or golf cart.  Those experiences impressed upon me the importance of spending time with our elders. 

It met a need in my little girl heart and in a generation where kids and teens are isolated from people as they delve into the technological world, its a need that is present today.  Older folks often felt neglected and being able to connect with those much younger is great for both parties.   Sure, it is sad to have to say goodbye to so many precious people, but, I am better for calling them friend.

Do you ever look at your priorities or trends in your own life and ask yourself, where did that start?  Do you have a unique childhood happening that has impacted the choices you make today?  Its easy to see some of the more obvious options like traumas, but what about the more innocuous options like my love for the older generation? 

Drawing the lines in our timeline can truly be a magical experience.  We should never stop being students in the "Me 101" class.  Its not all about us, but usually in learning about ourselves we can unearth connections with how we interact with each other or even God.  

In this busy time of year, take a break - grab some coffee, tea or hot chocolate; and delve into the study of you.  See what trends and treasures you discover!

 

What is Lurking Below the Surface?

Have you ever felt like something that comes so easy for virtually everyone else, seems nearly impossible for yourself?  I find myself feeling that way with rapid frequency in our ever-changing technological world.  But staying up with the changes in social media or marketing isn’t the only area I have and do feel this divide.  

Recently, I read a book that was actually the perfect antidote to the issue of being behind the internet world, and I found it a big help as I wander into cyberspace, but the biggest impact this book made on me was actually something a great deal deeper.  

You know how icebergs deceptively lurk below the water’s surface?  What you see before you is nothing in comparison with its size below the open waters.  I often think that is a fitting description of humans.  As much as we know about who we are and how we tick, there is always so much more to glean.  Being a student of yourself will always lead you on an amazing journey.  

As I read the pages of the aforementioned book, I sensed I was entering into my own personal iceberg territory.  Something was there, that I was just seeing the tip of but so much more was inside waiting to be discovered.  

The truth I saw in the pages of that book was the fact that I am not good at being me.  

I am not void of a personality, opinions or even personal taste, so that sentence may sound surprising and even absurd.  But its true.   When most kids were being kids and figuring out the core of who they were, I was dealing with real-life, or maybe adult-life experiences that interrupted that process.  I will say as I’ve grown into adulthood, I have been able to regain some of those lost experiences, but I do at times still feel behind in the discovery process. 

That wasn’t all of it, though, what I really saw in the book was that I am not comfortable with all of who I am.  There are things about me that I have tried to hide.  Seems pretty hypocritical for the girl who preaches being yourself, but truthfully, until reading the words on those pages, I never saw it.  

That is why the journey to you is so important.  It may be scary because you don’t know what you will find. If we keep seeking God and being set on knowing him, we can’t help but get to know ourselves. Not just any self, the self God made us to be -the one that can only truly connect with him.  In order to get to know him, we must first come to terms with the ways life has blocked us from being who we were truly meant to be.  

 

The truth is I have nothing to be ashamed of, but because I never knew the depths of this issue, I never worked on it.  Now, I can!  I can get to the root of why I am ashamed of who God made me to be and allow him to bring healing to any remaining places of pain.  Isn’t that wonderful?!  

 

I am safe in this process when God is leading the way.  He has plans for me (he has plans for you too)!  Its time I got out of my own way.   How about you?  Maybe you have a completely different struggle or issue but are you still a student of yourself?  Are you allowing God to touch that process and allow you to be free from the junk life has deposited in your soul?  I don’t know what the road holds, but I know its worth it! 

Youth Ministry Reflections

Today was my anniversary, but not the one with my husband.  Instead it was with my job, well really, my ministry.  I moved here 14 years ago to start as the youth pastor at First Christian Church in Visalia.  It was on the heels of a year-long ministry working with teens in a residential care facility.  

I never intended to spend my adulthood working with teenagers, but God had other plans.  The pre-teen and teen years was a very tumultuous period in my life.  In those years I walked through the pain of an abusive step-parent, sexual abuse, emotional pain and the faced the results of poor choices that my angry heart made.  As I walked into the college years and into adulthood I began to process the pain and seek the healing I needed to not only survive, but thrive.  

At the close of my college experience as I looked at the possibilities of what was next, God reminded me of a simple sentence I spoke to him during those tough years: 

“If I have to go through it, you better use it!”  

God answered, with a “I hope you meant that!”  That started my journey to Colorado to work with teens in the midst of turmoil.  It softened my heart to that age where your life can go out of control as you transition from child to adult.  That is what led me to Visalia.  I honestly didn’t want to come.  I loved my life and support in Colorado and went to bed with every intention of turning down the job at First Christian.  

My wise mother told me, “Don’t give your answer until the morning; sleep on it first.”  Those were wise words and the morning light helped me see I was to go.  So I loaded up my 1988 Chevy Caprice Classic and caravanned to California through the winter mountains with my dad who had flown out to get me.  

I came with a thought that this would be a temporary station in life as I found my true path, but here I am in an industry that has faster turn over rates than flips of a pancake in any IHOP around the country, still going strong.  

Working with teens for over 15 years and 14 years in the same church and community has given me some great perspective on life and ministry.  Here are three perspectives that I’d love to share today: 

 Teenagers are WONDERFUL!  - Teens often get a bad wrap as the rough life-stage to work with and yet I have grown to love this stage.  Teenagers are wonderful people who add color and humor to life.  They hold beautiful ideas of the world and their future and share some great insight if you listen.

Relationships Last A Lifetime - Doing this for so long has allowed me to get to know girls and walk with them into womanhood.  Its given me the ability to get to know adolescent boys with their pranks and antics then get to see them chose a wife and have children as honorable men.  I love that still being here provides stability for some when life gives them questions and they know they can come to me in the years into their 20’s and beyond.  

Community Morphs More Than It Changes - Tonight I was speaking with a current fellow youth pastor who moved here from another state for the job but as we spoke, several of the staff at their church used to be teens I worked with years ago and other pastors were once youth pastors like me.  As I look at the Christian community it is full of new faces, but it is also full of faces that are still there working hard in new churches or positions.  There is something beautiful about that fact.  It speaks highly of this community that even in the changes in life, people still want to be here.  I love that story, that is often not told and I have the longevity to tell it.  

It is wonderful to have these opportunities to reflect and celebrate the days, years and lessons along the way.  Thank you for sharing in this with me and it leads me to ask you, “what does your life perspective teaching you?” 

Why Your Posts Are Part of the Problem

Yesterday, we elected a new President.   It wasn’t the Presidential Candidate I thought would win.  I really thought Clinton had it.  I was not a fan of either so I have no idea exactly how I feel, but I was more saddened (not surprised) when I opened up Facebook this morning.  Why was I saddened?  Because while we all have a right to share our opinion, most of us just shouldn’t!  

Over the past year I have read in a variety of books and articles how our lives online have hurt us.  I have been especially impacted by Craig Groeschel’s book, “#Struggles: Following Jesus in A Selfie-Centered World.” I don’t think social media is bad, I actually love it!  I have lived in 6 states and 2 foreign countries, travelled a lot in my earlier years and I love people, so it is an amazing way for me to be in the lives of so many far and wide.  

But we were never intended to live our lives online.  We were made for relationships.  Real relationships.  That means connecting our soul with others and that rarely happens online.  Online breeds superficial, unfiltered, edited responses to life.  It gives us a false sense of celebrity as we share our every move, thinking the world wants to know.  That may work with a small group of followers or friends but you would NEVER have a good coffee shop conversation with 1,000 people.  It just wouldn’t be productive or beneficial.  

I Corinthians 10:23 says "Everything is permissible," but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible," but not everything is edifying.

We are not famous.  Our platform is faulty if we are assuming it gives us celebrity.  We need to make our voice heard but unfortunately that voice gets lost in over saturated newsfeed.  People cannot take the overwhelming responses good, bad and ugly to the election process and the results we saw unfold into the wee-hours of this morning.  We were not made to effectively process all of that.  The non-stop barrage of in your face responses to the world enforces depressive tendencies and studies are now reflecting this connection with a rise in depression and suicide, I just read a great article in TIME magazine (November 7, 2016) about this very thing.  

When I was living in London for a semester during college, I got to experience the term stimulus overload.  Living by the hospital meant I heard sirens non-stop.  It was hard to sleep or focus as first, but by the time I came back to the States, I didn’t even notice the sound.  My brain couldn’t take it so it made the proper adjustments and filtered out the sound so I could function.  I see this same phenomenon happening online.  The very tool that once gave us a voice is now silencing it because its just too much! 

Face to face communication involves non-verbal communication that get lost in our social media posts, not to mention unscripted conversations include more than 140 characters.  You may drop a controversial bomb in the midst of a two-hour lunch with your bestie, but the take away is tons of other topics and perspectives.  It adds to the dimensions of the conversation and the relationship even if its disagreement, but social media is relational-free opinions and its only creating a divide between us and anyone who disagrees.  

Get offline, get out with friends, or upgrade an acquaintance to a friend by hanging out and having shared experiences.  Share those opinions over coffee and allow the opinion to do more than scroll across someone’s face in between classes, meetings or lines during errands.  Get used to not using the delete button when giving your two cents.  Take the chance to say it wrong and hear how you could have rephrased it.  You maybe be surprised how much better life is offline! 

4 Things To Do Before You Speak

Recently, while driving I heard a radio DJ speak some truth that resonated with me.  I am not sure the topic they were discussing as I had just gotten back in the car, but Zach, said something to the effect that many people think that if something is true that is enough for them to speak it to others, but context and timing have a huge impact on when and how we should speak it.  I couldn’t agree more!  Speaking truth in the wrong time or with the wrong motives is in fact, wrong.  

Sometimes the best thing we can do is be quiet.  This week in my Bible reading, I was working through one of my favorite books, James.   In James, we are told to be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger (James 1: 19-21).  I know more than anyone that my mouth can be my greatest asset and quickest downfall.  

We think we always have the best thing to say and we are usually dying to get it out.  We are often so quick to speak that we fail to hear the person to which we are talking and in life words aren’t the only solution resource we have to offer.  So what else can we do besides run our mouth?  Well, its pretty simple!

1. Pray - 

We aren’t God and prayer often reminds us of that.  We are called to walk by the Spirit of God but how can we do that when we are walking by the spirit of self.  Its not a part of the Holy Trinity its just a human perspective and not the only one.   Prayer connects us with people through God who knows the other person greater than we do. 

 2. Be -

In an online world, we have lost some offline tools.  The best relationships are found in human, face-to-face, contact.  Quiet is awkward but often necessary.  I recall a story by pastor and author Craig Groeschel where he went to be with a family who had lost a child.  He felt he floundered in his condolences but later found his quiet presence with them in their home was exactly what they needed.  We need to not only be still in our time with God, but also in our relationships with each other.  Just being in the presence of our family and friends without outside distractions can be a powerful force that forges the relationship and holds our souls together.

3. Touch -

I recently ran into a woman I know in public.  She happens to be someone I hold a  great affection for and unfortunately don’t see often.  As our paths crossed, she shared some new bad news she received from her doctor.  In that very public place I grabbed her and hugged her.  That hug did more for both of us than any words I could utter in that moment.  During my years in college, I heard the statistic that as humans we need 20 hugs a day to feel secure.  I don’t know if the number is accurate, but I do know the concept is true.  We need physical touch.  Touch is very powerful with friends and family.  When my friend, who is not a touchy-feely kind of person, lost his wife, he was welcoming of a hug.  It was comforting in a very tenderly hearted moment.

4. Listen - 

We learn the most by listening not by talking.  When I say listen, I mean actively receiving and processing what the other person has to say without any thought to a rebuttal.  Sometimes the best way to make headway with someone in a debate or growing a relationship is by lending a listening ear.  Whether or not you understand or agree, can you become empathic or hear the heart behind the words?  

Not only do we not need to have all the answers in every situation, we likely do not have them anyway.  Too many debates are happening on social media and they are tearing up relationships because there is no relational foundation for the weight of the words we are using.  We think we know the words to say to change someone’s mind on a hot topic or to salve the soul of someone walking a hard road, and even if we do, I suggest you first pause before you speak.  Ask yourself, “Even if this is true, is this the best time and medium in which I can say it?”   Maybe its your turn to speak truth, but taking a second to evaluate can save a lot of heartache if its not.  Remember, you have other tools at your discretion, use them!  

One Thing You Should Just Quit Doing

The past two weeks, I have written about making your life count and doing what God has called you to as a Christian, and what I am about to share might sound like a contradiction.  I promise, it is not!  Think of these posts as pieces of a puzzle.  They make the most sense when they are pieced together.  So stick with me and see that the pieces go together even if they seem not to on their own.  You just have to fit them together.  

Being a Christian is NOT about doing more or even being more, because...

CHRISTIANITY IS NOT A WORKS BASED RELIGION.  

Its what separates us from many off-shoots, like Mormonism for example.  What do I mean by "works based?"  Simply put: There is nothing you can do to earn your salvation.  If it were possible, then Jesus would be pointless.  Jesus was not just one of the prophets, but the chosen Messiah, Savior to the world.  His act of love by dying for us would be nice, but unnecessary, if you and I could do something to get to heaven.  His sinless, earthly existence was vital to any hope we have at an eternity in heaven. 

As beautiful as each of us are, we are merely human.  A fact, as a perfectionist, I often forget.  I try to do a better job, and I can give what I have but like the fish and bread, it only feeds the five thousand with the miracle of Jesus, otherwise its just one boy’s lunch and thousands will go hungry.  Our best does the job with the power of Jesus.  You see, the reason Christianity works is because of one fact: 

CHRISTIANITY IS NOT A RELIGION.

Technically it is a religion, but that is not its point.  Christianity at the core, is a relationship with our Creator.  Relationships change people don't they?  If that weren't true, parents wouldn't care who their kids hung out with throughout childhood and adolescence.  The people we spend time with begin to shape our character and personality.  The Bible says in I Corinthians 15:33 (NIV) - 

"Do not be misled: 'Bad company corrupts good character'."

Our world is experiencing another issue in regards to the lack of relationships.  People have forsaken hanging out with other people all together and now just living off of superficial relationships online.  We are seeing the increased depression as a result.  We were created to be in relationship.  The best relationship with can have is with our Creator.  That relationship inspires other relationships and true connection.  Something we need to thrive in life.  We become people who change the world for the better when spend time with Jesus.  

Galatians 5 gives us the fruit of the Spirit.  What does that mean?  Well if we were a tree, then fruit would grow from us, but our tree is rooted in God so the fruit that grows comes from the Holy Spirit, which is a part of God that is given to us when we accept Jesus as our Savior.  The time reading God's word, memorizing it, meditating and praying, help God grow in us and it produces fruit.  Note: We cannot produce it on our own.  Trying to do better on our own doesn't produce the fruit, just frustration.  

Galatians 5: 22-23 (NIV)

 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace,patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no Law.

We want to be people with these fruits, but it doesn't come from working harder at it, it comes from spending time with God.  As we do that, we are compelled to live out our purpose and to be people with intentional living.  It just a natural extension of the time with God.  So we really should just quit trying harder and allow God to transform us. 

Did you hear me?  JUST QUIT!  Dedicate yourself to God and allow Him to grow in you and grow you into the person He designed you to be.  Put your efforts into building the relationships that we were created to foster and thrive through and put away all the religion, do it yourself, nonsense.  It isn’t working, its just creating frustration and anxiety and who needs that?!  God’s got this.  Let him take the lead.