The Human Connection

I am a people person born before the days of internet. I love a good text message to share a meeting time or answer a quick question, but in my world texting isn't for conversations.  I love to talk on the phone with friends and family.  I love meeting a friend for lunch or at a coffee shop.  I love spending time getting to know people.  That is just me.  Its how I am.

The rise of the internet has gifted us with abilities and opportunities that were once unimaginable.  I love being able to video chat with my mom and my sister in Ohio.  I have friends in different states, countries and continents, and its amazing to stay connected and see their children grow up.  I can expand my business beyond my city and state, order my Starbucks from home, I can glean from ministries all over the world and even watch the daily life of my favorite celebrities.  It has amazing possibilities.

However, computer relationships are not the same as face-to-face human encounters.  When you look at our social media culture, I'm not sure it reflects this truth.  Sure the rise in suicides seemed to stand side by side with the increase in time spent online with social media "friends," and researchers and authors have shared that connection, but by and large, I don't think we truly believed we were missing much by replacing human contact with internet relationships, and if we did see it, we weren't doing a lot about the living online problem.

Then came COVID-19.  Thank God for the internet!  We would not survive without it, but even with the year supply of toilet paper delivered to our homes, and a weekly, or even, daily zoom meeting, a month or more into Shelter in Place and its obvious something is missing.  Can you feel it? There is this void where human connection once lived, because no video can duplicate the power of a human in your presence that you can hug and hang out with.  Something weird is happening, all of a sudden I'm getting phone calls from my introvert friends!  Why? Even those people who are fine on their own without many people around, still need human contact.  Their need for people time may be lower than mine, but its not, non-existent.  (I know, that is a double negative).

God created man and woman in the garden.  He started our world and he sent us out into the world he created with a desire for him and each other.  Guess what?  Relationships are an essential need.  I think this may just in fact be the jolt we all need to recognize a pivotal shift is imperative as we create space for more meaningful face-to-face relationships.

I hope this is a reality check that we need to block out time in our lives, put down our phones, and be with other people.  This isn't just to be there for others, but to fill an intrinsic need within our own selves.  Taking care of oneself involves relationship, both spiritual and human.

We need human connection to survive.  Something that has hit me in all of this, is the fact that if this were to be the new normal for the rest of life or even life for the next few years, then that is not a life worth living.  Taking out the personal freedoms and connection with people, takes all the life out of life.  I love my family and I love the time I get with them, but being able to move about the earth deepens those relationships.  Being able to be with friends meets needs I have that my family can't fill.

So what about you?  What have you noticed about human connection in this time?  Who are the people you miss most?  How can you let them know their value to you, even now?  How can you re-prioritize when all this is done?  How have you taken human connection for granted?  We have an opportunity to take advantage of this gift and balance out the benefits of our internet and local worlds.  Obviously, I'm not advocating you break Shelter in Place, but I am advocating for more intentional living when we are able to resume a life with people outside our homes.

I DON'T KNOW YOU

When I was growing up if I liked a famous person, I could always write a letter to their
fan club and hope to receive an autographed photo in the mail.  Those in the Hollywood limelight were unapproachable to the average folk, like myself.  Times have changed since those days. 

Now, if I like an actress or singer, all I have to do is follow their Instagram and I instantly know all about their life - where they eat, their kids and fur babies, their latest red carpet event and the trip they just took.  This change goes beyond fame; when I meet someone at an event I speak at, or in a meeting at the kid's school, I can then go add them on Facebook or accept their request to friend me.  Craig Groeschel makes note of the use of the word "friend" on Facebook in his book, "#Struggles: Following Jesus in a Selfie-Centered World."  Its true, we get fed a subconscious lie that we are adding to our friends whenever we add someone to that list of connections. 

The internet has tricked me.  Its tricked me into thinking I have a lot of friends.  Truth - I do have a lot of friends, but as I've aged, I have way more acquaintances than friends.  Friend - you know the person that is there when life has got you down or pops the champagne when you conquer that mountain you climbed.  A friend isn't just someone who is connected with you on Facebook or follows you on Instagram.

Because here is the thing - knowing something about someone doesn't mean we know them! Its awkward sometimes to stand next to a mom at pick up that I have never sat and just talked with, but I know all about her family and that hard time she went through last year, because Facebook told me. 

The same can be true for people like Candace Cameron Bure.  I feel connected because I watch her on Hallmark Channel and I follow her feed, but I have NEVER met the woman.  She has no clue who I am.  We are not friends. Its time for a reality-check.  Can you distinguish between your true friends and just people you know about?  I have to remind myself of this truth as I scroll the feeds - I DON'T KNOW YOU!!! This doesn't mean, there aren't acquaintances that I'm pursuing friendship with or friends who have grown and gone their own ways that I stay connected with, because this is why I love social media!

The danger comes when we live online and forget to maintain relationships in real time.  Doing so will lead to loneliness and depression and often worse.  The hole in people is what often fuels the horrible stories we read in the news.

This is also true in our spiritual life.  Knowing about Jesus, doesn't equate to knowing him.  Knowing him is accomplished in the same way we know people around us - spending time together.  I sit and talk to God about my life, about the Bible and while he doesn't speak in words to me, he speaks back.  He connects with me through moments in life where I see my heart fulfilled or when I got that thing that didn't mean anything except that he heard me.  He speaks to me through the Bible, a book that has been around forever, and yet can speak to my specific day. 

 The light at the end of this tunnel is that its easy to fix.  Life offline as much if not more than you do online.  Meet someone for coffee, get to know a new friend and put the work in, to make that Facebook "friend" a real-life friend!!!  Same with God - he makes it easy to come to him and its never too late to start. 

Do you have the proper balance between your online and offline self?  Do you need to adjust or maybe you got this down and its your turn to share it with someone else?  Checking in with ourselves is a must for a healthy life!  There is always a take-away.  So go and get it!

Generational Culture Shock

On a recent trip onto a junior high campus, I was stunned by the reality of teenagers today.  I am approaching 40 at the end of this year and I have worked with teenagers for over 15 years, and I can tell you, the generation coming up now and the little ones following them are nothing like us!  Yes, as we get older the divide between the older folks and youngin's does increase, but that is not what I am talking about. 

We are entering new territory. 

I recently cheered at a friend's Facebook post as she was sharing her kids encounters with Alexa.  As she eloquently shared her life and the conclusions she was drawing, she noted that to children today, virtual assistants and technology just is.  There is no question of life before because it is just reality, she then equated it to electricity for us.  I've seen Downton Abbey and other period shows and movies and see that transition into life with electricity and yet, I've never really thought about it.  Electricity just is.  I don't worry about what life would be without it because, its life. 

This is the new territory I am discussing.  As I approach teenagers, I have to approach it like I do when I travel.  I've travelled around 27 countries in my lifetime (even with my 7 year international hiatus) and what I love about the experiences I've collected is the way I see people.  I use their culture and customs as the lens for when I interact with people of different cultures, not my own. 

If you were raised in a world where there were no computers or cell phones (let alone smart phones), then this is the mindset you must take to interact with younger generations.  Because they don't understand your analog mindset in their digital world.

This difference is NOT your excuse just to stay away and keep isolated in your generation bubble.  That would be wrong, why? 

1. You need younger people to help you see their world and to understand the changes that are happening, even at a novice level because it changes so FAST!

2.  They need you!  Kids today aren't taught how to have unscripted conversations (thanks for revealing that, Craig Groeschel), they can't decipher real relationships for superficial acquaintances.  They don't know how to reach out when life gets hard and how to have proper boundaries with the people they encounter.  This is a problem!

Sure many adults don't get these things, but there is a difference between personality differences and cultural norms.  Life online has eliminated relational depth.  The internet isn't going away so instead of being annoyed by the change, its time to infuse the culture with the connection abilities us old folks grew up with. 

While a lot has changed, some things never change. God made us for relationship and in fact, he not only made us to need it from each other, he made us because he wanted one with us.  Our need for connection, intimacy and living in a trusted community are crucial no matter what our culture we ascribe.  Yes, its hard to step out into the world or even just out of your world, but its necessary!

I believe a lot of the violence we are seeing comes from this need for real in a superficial reality (of course its not the only cause), but loneliness and unmet hunger for connection can have devasting results.  Intergenerational communication can help alleviate the soul holes many are facing. 

This is why I love working with teenagers!  Not only do I learn the latest phrases, but I get to be in relationship with them and allow them to give to their peers the real stuff in life and be people that made me proud! Go out there and get uncomfortable and messy and engage someone in a different age range than you.  Some of my best friends hover around 80 and 18.  This is the way life should be!!!!

Does Your Opinion Really Matter?

In August 1999, I flew to London, England for my semester abroad.  It was an amazing experience and there is a lot I could share with you about those five months, but for the purpose of this blog post, I just want to share with you a small part of one day.  

My friend, Laura, had her mom and sister visiting and we went to a variety of touristy places with them.  One of our stops was Speaker’s Corner.  It is a place where anyone can come with their soap box and talk about anything they desire as long as its lawful in the eyes of the police.  It was a memorable experience.  

There was a homeless guy sitting in an inflatable chair while drinking wine talking about strange parts of his life.  I also remember a man discussing his religious belief as an atheistic-Christian (kind of seems like an oxymoron to me).  

In that corner there were maybe 12 people dawning a variety of wardrobes, props and opinions.  We walked down the line of speakers and listened into bits of words they shared and would discuss our thoughts to what they said.  Some speakers captured our attention for awhile while others just had us for a sentence or two.  When we had our fill, we went off to the next item of sightseeing on our agenda.  

It was fun.  

I haven’t been back to Speaker’s Corner in London since that day.  That was eighteen years ago.  I’ve since survived Y2K, graduated college, moved states twice, gotten married, had kids and lived a lot of life.  

When I think about the fun we had at that corner, it is because it was a visit.  We were able to be entertained, then move on.  

Speaker’s Corner would not have been as fun if I lived there.

Yet, I do live there.   So do you. 

Its called Social Media.  

Everyone has two cents on practically any and every topic and each one of us feel the need to share such two cents every couple of seconds to add to our feed in the form of statuses, pictures, videos, memes, links, etc.  

Its not that your opinion doesn’t matter, its just it doesn’t always need to be said.  (And to be fair, there is a reason they compare opinions to bottoms, because - sorry - but not every opinion is pleasant).  I marvel how often some big thing happens in our world that I will see 300 people share the exact same sentiment.  

It gets overwhelming.  I stop paying attention and I am just no longer having fun.   Social media has become this necessary evil in my life with a few perks.  I still love the connection with friends from all over the world and timeline in my life.  I love that I can reach out and make my voice heard when it matters.  

I don’t want to do away with all we have in the internet age, but I just want to be able to visit Speaker’s Corner and NOT LIVE THERE!  

Can’t we use a little self-restraint and not share every opinion?  I recognize the irony of this topic in my very own blog post, here sharing my opinion, but if we all shared one opinion in our blogs once a week - I would love that!  Reality is, opinions come in at a speed rivaling the speed of light for many people, not once a week.  

If we truly want to have an impact on the world, then maybe we should speak less often so our words have more weight when we do need to use them. 

Shut Out The Noise

Tomorrow my son turns 6!  That is crazy for me because it feels like yesterday that I was sharing the news of my pregnancy after years of trying to conceive.  Caleb was born at 9:02am.  Every year since that day we have celebrated his birthday with breakfast at Corner Café, a local breakfast spot, and met in front of the hospital at 9:02am with a cupcake to sing, "Happy Birthday," to our boy.  It is a special time and I love the tradition and celebration of this amazing life now built into my daily existence. 

Not everyone I share this tradition with takes it with the same excitement it gives me.  Often I am met with a scoffing remark letting me know they think this tradition is silly. If I let it, I can allow their negativity or mocking tone steal the joy I have in this part of our celebration or even be tempted to do away with our ritual.   In other areas and times in my life, I have actually allowed someone's negative response to keep me from doing just what I shared with them.  I don't know if you have ever experienced something like this, but while reading the Bible this week, I was encouraged to see Jesus even had his own version of these life happenings. 

Matthew 9 shares a story of a synagogue leader who came to Jesus after his daughter died.  He asked Jesus to come and heal her so she may live.  Jesus went into the leader's house and was me with a noisy crowd.  He told them to go away for she was not dead but sleeping.  The crowd's response was to laugh at him.  Then in verse 25 it says:

"After the crowd had been put outside, he went in and took the girl by the hand, and she got up. News of this spread through all that region." 

Please NOTE:

1. It didn't say, "when the crowd left willingly." 

Picture for me a party at someone's house.  Asking the crowd to leave does nothing.  You have to force them out.  Its this same thing concept that I expect happened in this story.  The crowd was put outside.  They were probably made to leave.  Jesus asking them to leave so he could heal her only elicited laughter, not compliance. 

Sometimes, we have to force the negative people out of our lives.  Maybe it means getting off of social media, leaving an event or conversation, or not sharing your life with certain people.  When people don't respect our boundaries, we have to take action to protect our boundaries. 

2.  The Crowd Did Sway Jesus

Jesus didn't allow the negativity of a crowd distract him from his mission and purpose.  He knew what he could do, and he intended to follow through.  He stayed and he healed the girl. 

Anyone who makes their mark in society or in the lives of people does so by going against the current.  That means following through on what you set out to do.  Maybe your dream isn't inline with family expectations.  You have to respectfully stand your ground and do what you know you were made to do.  This can be as simple as my birthday tradition or as big as moving to another country to start a business or non-profit.  Don't allow the opinions of others to sway you.  (Please note: There is a difference between seeking wise counsel and following the voice of masses). 

3.  The Order Of Events

What most struck me in this passage was first, he put the crowd outside, then he healed the girl.  Jesus could have easily healed her in the midst of the noisy crowd.  He didn't.  It doesn't say exactly why, but I can only imagine that even though Jesus was God, because he was also human, the crowd was a distraction and their presence could have tempted him to doubt.

Now, I may very well be wrong about Jesus, but my speculations do apply to us.  Very often to re-focus on the goal and retain the confidence in our aim, we must first silence the noise.  When we allow the noise of popular opinion to cloud our judgement, we find ourselves joining the crowd instead of standing up for what we know to be right or our purpose or even what we want to do to celebrate a big event.   Regardless of what the crowd that stands mocking you looks like, you must first put them outside, then do what you set out to do. 

Too often we allow the opinions of others to stand in our way of our own confidence in our unique abilities and personality.  We were never intended to be someone else.  We must allow ourselves the space to be the beautiful person we were created to be. 

I hope this truth and story met you with the same encouragement that it gave me!!  May this be a great day!!!

Why Your Posts Are Part of the Problem

Yesterday, we elected a new President.   It wasn’t the Presidential Candidate I thought would win.  I really thought Clinton had it.  I was not a fan of either so I have no idea exactly how I feel, but I was more saddened (not surprised) when I opened up Facebook this morning.  Why was I saddened?  Because while we all have a right to share our opinion, most of us just shouldn’t!  

Over the past year I have read in a variety of books and articles how our lives online have hurt us.  I have been especially impacted by Craig Groeschel’s book, “#Struggles: Following Jesus in A Selfie-Centered World.” I don’t think social media is bad, I actually love it!  I have lived in 6 states and 2 foreign countries, travelled a lot in my earlier years and I love people, so it is an amazing way for me to be in the lives of so many far and wide.  

But we were never intended to live our lives online.  We were made for relationships.  Real relationships.  That means connecting our soul with others and that rarely happens online.  Online breeds superficial, unfiltered, edited responses to life.  It gives us a false sense of celebrity as we share our every move, thinking the world wants to know.  That may work with a small group of followers or friends but you would NEVER have a good coffee shop conversation with 1,000 people.  It just wouldn’t be productive or beneficial.  

I Corinthians 10:23 says "Everything is permissible," but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible," but not everything is edifying.

We are not famous.  Our platform is faulty if we are assuming it gives us celebrity.  We need to make our voice heard but unfortunately that voice gets lost in over saturated newsfeed.  People cannot take the overwhelming responses good, bad and ugly to the election process and the results we saw unfold into the wee-hours of this morning.  We were not made to effectively process all of that.  The non-stop barrage of in your face responses to the world enforces depressive tendencies and studies are now reflecting this connection with a rise in depression and suicide, I just read a great article in TIME magazine (November 7, 2016) about this very thing.  

When I was living in London for a semester during college, I got to experience the term stimulus overload.  Living by the hospital meant I heard sirens non-stop.  It was hard to sleep or focus as first, but by the time I came back to the States, I didn’t even notice the sound.  My brain couldn’t take it so it made the proper adjustments and filtered out the sound so I could function.  I see this same phenomenon happening online.  The very tool that once gave us a voice is now silencing it because its just too much! 

Face to face communication involves non-verbal communication that get lost in our social media posts, not to mention unscripted conversations include more than 140 characters.  You may drop a controversial bomb in the midst of a two-hour lunch with your bestie, but the take away is tons of other topics and perspectives.  It adds to the dimensions of the conversation and the relationship even if its disagreement, but social media is relational-free opinions and its only creating a divide between us and anyone who disagrees.  

Get offline, get out with friends, or upgrade an acquaintance to a friend by hanging out and having shared experiences.  Share those opinions over coffee and allow the opinion to do more than scroll across someone’s face in between classes, meetings or lines during errands.  Get used to not using the delete button when giving your two cents.  Take the chance to say it wrong and hear how you could have rephrased it.  You maybe be surprised how much better life is offline! 

4 Things To Do Before You Speak

Recently, while driving I heard a radio DJ speak some truth that resonated with me.  I am not sure the topic they were discussing as I had just gotten back in the car, but Zach, said something to the effect that many people think that if something is true that is enough for them to speak it to others, but context and timing have a huge impact on when and how we should speak it.  I couldn’t agree more!  Speaking truth in the wrong time or with the wrong motives is in fact, wrong.  

Sometimes the best thing we can do is be quiet.  This week in my Bible reading, I was working through one of my favorite books, James.   In James, we are told to be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger (James 1: 19-21).  I know more than anyone that my mouth can be my greatest asset and quickest downfall.  

We think we always have the best thing to say and we are usually dying to get it out.  We are often so quick to speak that we fail to hear the person to which we are talking and in life words aren’t the only solution resource we have to offer.  So what else can we do besides run our mouth?  Well, its pretty simple!

1. Pray - 

We aren’t God and prayer often reminds us of that.  We are called to walk by the Spirit of God but how can we do that when we are walking by the spirit of self.  Its not a part of the Holy Trinity its just a human perspective and not the only one.   Prayer connects us with people through God who knows the other person greater than we do. 

 2. Be -

In an online world, we have lost some offline tools.  The best relationships are found in human, face-to-face, contact.  Quiet is awkward but often necessary.  I recall a story by pastor and author Craig Groeschel where he went to be with a family who had lost a child.  He felt he floundered in his condolences but later found his quiet presence with them in their home was exactly what they needed.  We need to not only be still in our time with God, but also in our relationships with each other.  Just being in the presence of our family and friends without outside distractions can be a powerful force that forges the relationship and holds our souls together.

3. Touch -

I recently ran into a woman I know in public.  She happens to be someone I hold a  great affection for and unfortunately don’t see often.  As our paths crossed, she shared some new bad news she received from her doctor.  In that very public place I grabbed her and hugged her.  That hug did more for both of us than any words I could utter in that moment.  During my years in college, I heard the statistic that as humans we need 20 hugs a day to feel secure.  I don’t know if the number is accurate, but I do know the concept is true.  We need physical touch.  Touch is very powerful with friends and family.  When my friend, who is not a touchy-feely kind of person, lost his wife, he was welcoming of a hug.  It was comforting in a very tenderly hearted moment.

4. Listen - 

We learn the most by listening not by talking.  When I say listen, I mean actively receiving and processing what the other person has to say without any thought to a rebuttal.  Sometimes the best way to make headway with someone in a debate or growing a relationship is by lending a listening ear.  Whether or not you understand or agree, can you become empathic or hear the heart behind the words?  

Not only do we not need to have all the answers in every situation, we likely do not have them anyway.  Too many debates are happening on social media and they are tearing up relationships because there is no relational foundation for the weight of the words we are using.  We think we know the words to say to change someone’s mind on a hot topic or to salve the soul of someone walking a hard road, and even if we do, I suggest you first pause before you speak.  Ask yourself, “Even if this is true, is this the best time and medium in which I can say it?”   Maybe its your turn to speak truth, but taking a second to evaluate can save a lot of heartache if its not.  Remember, you have other tools at your discretion, use them!  

That One Thing That Could Help Your Day Go Way Better

If you don't know, I am a youth pastor.  I have been at the same church for almost 14 years and have worked with teenagers over 15 years.  (By the way, teenagers ROCK)!  Right now we are working through a book by Craig Groeschel called "#Struggles: Following Jesus In A Selfie-Centered World."  This book is truly insightful and relevant to some of our greatest needs in our current culture. 

This week we looked at a topic that I think all of us could use more of!  That is the topic of...

ENCOURAGEMENT!!!

I don't need to regurgitate back to you what Craig had to share, because if that is what you wanted, you could read the book.  As an activity to do in connection with this chapter, I took the 5x7 index cards and wrote each person's name in the group at the top.  Then we passed the cards around.  We were to write something encouraging to the person whose name was listed at the top, and by the end everyone would have a card with encouragements from each other. 

The funny thing was, it was like Christmas morning.  Everyone was eager to get their cards and then the gushing started as everyone ohh'ed and ahh'ed over the comments they had received.  I was actually surprised at my own reaction to my card.  It was amazing!  In that exercise, I realized, we all need more of that.   Instead of just using Facebook to take a million selfies and post your breakfast, take some time to write encouraging posts on your friends' walls. 

Let's be honest, this world beats us down!!! If we aren't hearing personal criticisms, we are seeing the depressing news feed filled with a constant stream of political slams, criminal happenings and overall human cruelty.  While the occasional animal video is fun and happy, its really not enough to overcome the constant crap that clutters up my feed! (Can I get an AMEN?!)  I need more!  So how can we be encouraged? Here are

3 Ways to Infuse Your Life With Encouragement:

1. Read the Bible - Spending time in God's word encourages me.  I am reminded of a God who created me and loves me.  The Psalms can be especially wonderful in this department, but it is not the only book.  If you aren't used to reading the Bible, I suggest you download the YouVersion Bible App, its free!  You can discover plans that fit you and each day there is a reading for you to follow.  Its easy and it works! 

2.  Look in the Mirror - This isn't to do your make-up, shave your beard or fix your hair, but to see yourself and while you are taking a gander, say 3 things that you love about who you are.  I don't just mean your best body parts either.  What do you like about your character or personality?  If you don't know yourself well enough to do so, then take a personality test and find out more about who you are. 

3. Be An Encourager - There is this amazing boomerang effect to our words.  What we put out there, comes back to us!  And let's face it, life is not all about us, but others.  When we put our focus on the gems of friends and family we have, we can begin to realize the beauty in our lives that we never knew was there.  We also make an impact in other's lives, which is amazing!!!  When we practice encouragement, we will be happier people and will probably hear encouragement back.  I did the card exercise for my teens, but I was also greatly impacted. 

Let me just close this by saying, I don't necessarily know you, but I'm sure if you are reading this, you are trying in life.  There is something to be said for effort.  You, no doubt, have many amazing qualities whether you see them or not. 

Go out today and BE ENCOURAGED!!!!