I AM INSANE!

I am insane.  There are no men waiting at my door to place me in my own white jacket, though I’m sure my husband thinks there should be sometimes.  Its just when I take a step back and look at some of things I do or struggle with I can honestly say, its nuts!  

I had another post planned for today but thought I would take a moment to breathe and share something from my real life in real time.  

Do you ever step back and watch yourself from a bird’s eye view?  As if you were some reality tv star being able to see your daily routine, ok so not entirely the same as there is nothing real about reality tv, but you get my point.  If you haven’t, you should - you will be amazed! 

Today, I am going out of town for two nights. I am going to a conference and will be sitting in classrooms all day.  Packing should be a simple task. Yet, if you’d watch me try to get ready to leave, you think I would be going away for a year.  I have lived in 6 states, 2 foreign countries, I have lived in at least 21 different houses/apartments and have travelled to 27 countries.  Packing shouldn’t be difficult for me but the truth is: 

I CANT PACK! 

I suck at it.  I also run around like a crazy person.  I had this conversation with my husband this morning,

 a man who has raised two daughters before I came around and is fully capable of running the house despite the copious notes I have left for him.

What is wrong with me?  

The simple answer is - I am human and I struggle with anxiety.  So there you go, but when I see it play out sometimes it completely makes me want to laugh.  I am going crazy over scenarios that haven’t happened, and preparing for the apocalypse and I am just going to be a few hours drive away!  

When I read the Bible, I often wonder why God repeats himself so much and I am pretty sure the answer is because we need it! Don't we all act insane at times?  We need God and more importantly we are a hot mess without him.  

If you are reading this, I hope you see the humor in my words because I know we are also wonderful, competent people.  But at our worst, I think insane is a good word.  

You know what?  Even when you are acting like me - a chicken with their head cut off obsessing over things that don't matter, God loves you.  He died for me when I was a hot mess! (Romans 5:8 - note that is a Carrie paraphrase, the Bible does not actually say hot mess).  

You know when I have a day like today, I have to take a step back and not take myself so seriously.  Sometimes I can laugh at my imperfections and issues because if you were at my house watching me today, you would chuckle at my craziness.  I know my husband does.  

I am so grateful I have a God who loves me as much as he does!  If you need a dose of love today, read I John in the Bible (its towards the back) and see just how much God loves you.  He gave his life for you and that is a sacrificial love that changes people.  

Happy Wednesday!  And if you think of it, pray for me as I leave this house! 

How Do You Measure Up?

We grow up being asked what we want to be when we grow up.  Kids rattle off a list of professions like police officer, astronaut, teacher, or even President.  My six-year-old says he wants to be a Ninja (though last year it was Ninja Elf, but he's dropped the Elf because that isn't realistic. - Ha!) 

We grow up and become a lot of different professions, some with great focus and even dead on with what the six-year-old version of themselves stated they would be.  Others just aimlessly land in some 9-5 just to pay the bills.  But I think we are doing a big disservice to children and to ourselves when we put so much focus on the professional success you will one day find.

I recently lost someone I loved dearly.  Wanda Sharp died just months before her 92nd birthday.  She left behind family but she also left behind a legacy that reached far beyond her own DNA.   Wanda wasn't a successful entrepreneur, and she actually spent most of her work years as a bus driver for special needs kids.  In the years I knew her, Wanda was a faithful volunteer with the youth group I lead.  She never thought she did much to help me, but the love she spread impacted lives.  She was the group grandma for years.  Teens graduated and moved on but they still loved Wanda, because she loved them.  It didn't matter how many times you attended or how well she knew you, she was gonna love on you. 

For those of us in the church, Wanda was mom or grandma.  She filled a void in many, and when she died, there was a group of young people that mourned as much as her family and friends.   On the day we honored her, I sat with typed pages filled with sentiments emailed to me that former students who wanted to share with her family, so they would know what she meant to them.  A woman who grew up with "Grandma" Wanda flew in from Louisiana (a long way from Visalia, California) just to be in attendance at the service.  The room was packed with people impacted by Wanda and the attendees even included one the students she transported all those years ago.

I am sad to lose such a precious woman but so glad she can stand before her maker and feel the love she gave here on earth.  She will understand and be comforted by the value she always had and never truly saw.  

In thinking of this I realized.  Wanda wasn't a success because she went to an Ivy League University or worked as CEO at some fortune 500 company.  She was a success because she was a woman who loved on people.  She made a mark that was indelible in the souls of people.  Wanda didn't let age, background, race or religion keep her from loving on whomever crossed her path.  She was a beacon example this world needs!

So my question is:

How Do You Measure Up?

Is your focus for a life well-lived on the successes you receive along the path to that dream job or is your focus on the people who are in front of you?

The great thing about focusing on the latter question is that it starts now.  Kids don't have to wait until they grow up to be a success.  They get to build character and be loving, kind people NOW!  Doing good for others will only lead them to what they will be when they grow up.

We should encourage kids to live for now.  Of course focusing on a goal for the future has its own merit and they will have to chart a path for the future with their education, but they should be more concerned about who they are than where they end up because ultimately, that is what matters most!

When Your Best Isn't Enough

Do you ever feel like your best just isn’t good enough?  

I think most of us can answer, “yes” to that question.  

The truth is -  my best isn’t good enough.  

I can’t do it all.  

I wear a lot of hats and they can get exhausting.  I wasn't made to do all that I do.  

I was created with limitations and needs for things such as rest and relationships, both of which require a pause button from the rat race I run in daily.  

I am both a working mom and a stay-at-home mom.  I live the best and worst of both worlds.  Usually when I am rocking it in one area, I am behind or bombing in another area.  

The feminist movement has given us a lot of freedoms as women, but its also given us some unfair expectations.  We are expected to work and raise a family simultaneously, while looking good in the process!  That is a lot of pressure and as a result, we end up expecting too much out of ourselves subsequently beating ourselves up when we don’t hit the mark.  

My “to-do” list is always full and even if I go strong all day knocking items off the list, I still won’t come close to getting it all done.  Here's two things I hope will help.  

1. God Has A Plan Beyond What We See 

Today, a friend shared with me a few bumps in her road of late, but because of her time in the Bible and in prayer with God, she was prepared to view those setbacks with spiritual eyes.  It gave her the ability to see God in the midst of the issues she had encountered.  Instead of letting that pit her against her Lord, she sat in the lap of Jesus and got on board with his plan.  

2. God Takes Our Mistakes and Makes Miracles

I distinctly recall a moment when I was talking to God about my many issues as a mom.  I felt like the latest test had found me lacking and I was wallowing in self-pity and giving myself a good figurative flogging.  In the midst of my tear-filled verbal purging, I heard God say in my spirit, 

“Carrie, I know you will make mistakes as a mom, but it is in those shortcomings that your kids will get to meet with me and walk it out in our relationship.”  

It blew my mind, to think God had intention for my mistakes.  God had a plan - even for my overloaded mommy explosions.  He planned to use it for his glory as he fulfilled his word in Proverbs 27:17, when he says: 

As iron sharpens iron,

    so one person sharpens another.

We weren’t called to do it all, raise the perfect kids or aim at perfection in life at all.  We were created for relationship with God and others.   We serve a God that is big enough to do it all.  When we surrender our path to him, we can find him in each turn along the road.  We can see him work in spite of our full plate and the dropped balls along the way.  

I find each day that I start with God, I end up accomplishing exactly what I need to - nothing more, nothing less.  It doesn’t all get knocked off the list but the important things do.  

Are you struggling to find that balance between work life and mom life?  Are you drowning in a sea of to-do lists?  Time with God isn’t just about adding something else to your list - its about adjusting your list to be in alignment with his will; knowing that God breaths life into even the most devastating of days.  He’s got this - YOU can trust HIM!

Does Your Opinion Really Matter?

In August 1999, I flew to London, England for my semester abroad.  It was an amazing experience and there is a lot I could share with you about those five months, but for the purpose of this blog post, I just want to share with you a small part of one day.  

My friend, Laura, had her mom and sister visiting and we went to a variety of touristy places with them.  One of our stops was Speaker’s Corner.  It is a place where anyone can come with their soap box and talk about anything they desire as long as its lawful in the eyes of the police.  It was a memorable experience.  

There was a homeless guy sitting in an inflatable chair while drinking wine talking about strange parts of his life.  I also remember a man discussing his religious belief as an atheistic-Christian (kind of seems like an oxymoron to me).  

In that corner there were maybe 12 people dawning a variety of wardrobes, props and opinions.  We walked down the line of speakers and listened into bits of words they shared and would discuss our thoughts to what they said.  Some speakers captured our attention for awhile while others just had us for a sentence or two.  When we had our fill, we went off to the next item of sightseeing on our agenda.  

It was fun.  

I haven’t been back to Speaker’s Corner in London since that day.  That was eighteen years ago.  I’ve since survived Y2K, graduated college, moved states twice, gotten married, had kids and lived a lot of life.  

When I think about the fun we had at that corner, it is because it was a visit.  We were able to be entertained, then move on.  

Speaker’s Corner would not have been as fun if I lived there.

Yet, I do live there.   So do you. 

Its called Social Media.  

Everyone has two cents on practically any and every topic and each one of us feel the need to share such two cents every couple of seconds to add to our feed in the form of statuses, pictures, videos, memes, links, etc.  

Its not that your opinion doesn’t matter, its just it doesn’t always need to be said.  (And to be fair, there is a reason they compare opinions to bottoms, because - sorry - but not every opinion is pleasant).  I marvel how often some big thing happens in our world that I will see 300 people share the exact same sentiment.  

It gets overwhelming.  I stop paying attention and I am just no longer having fun.   Social media has become this necessary evil in my life with a few perks.  I still love the connection with friends from all over the world and timeline in my life.  I love that I can reach out and make my voice heard when it matters.  

I don’t want to do away with all we have in the internet age, but I just want to be able to visit Speaker’s Corner and NOT LIVE THERE!  

Can’t we use a little self-restraint and not share every opinion?  I recognize the irony of this topic in my very own blog post, here sharing my opinion, but if we all shared one opinion in our blogs once a week - I would love that!  Reality is, opinions come in at a speed rivaling the speed of light for many people, not once a week.  

If we truly want to have an impact on the world, then maybe we should speak less often so our words have more weight when we do need to use them. 

Be the Be

I have a real struggle with contentment.  Its not that I don’t love my life because I do.  I know I have a stellar family and am so happy with that reality.  

This discontentment comes when I look in the mirror (usually on a figurative level).  I have a hard time loving and embracing myself.  I see the beauty God has created but I also see the human with all her cracks and flaws and its easy to begin to compare to others around me.  

Before I know it I begin to think "if only" I looked like that, had their money, had that job, lived in that neighborhood, had their temperament, had been raised by their parents, and the list continues.  This is such a big deal because much of it happens on a subconscious level.  

I’ve become aware of what I am thinking and it astounds me just how much I have a “wish I had that…” thought. 

The real battle happens in our minds.  I’ve seen so much research on the power of our thoughts and its very surreal to think the real issue isn't what we have or don't have, but is our thoughts! Re-thinking a few things could be just what is needed to bring about the best results.  

Even the Bible speaks to our thoughts:  

I Corinthians 10:5

5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

Those mental roadblocks are supposed to be destroyed so we can stay on mental task.  

As I thought about all this (while driving, by the way), I thought we need to “Be the BE!”  By this I don’t mean be the "b" word; instead I mean, begin to live from where we are, not where we want to be.  We need to get good at being ourselves.  Its very hard to do in a culture that constantly throws comparisons in our face.  

Sometimes it just seems easier to be like everyone else.  I see this person finding success by doing motherhood or business a certain way and my brain just wants to copy their method and be them.  But the world doesn't need that.  I was made with a purpose and by living out me, I make the greatest impact.
  

Yes, it can be hard because there are things about myself, that crush me.  I’m not talking about my stringy hair or any other superficial quality but areas of character that motherhood has exposed in me and left me embarrassed.  

Its become apparent that I don't always deal well when things don't go as planned and often I can lash out when I feel out of control or when I'm operating in an anxiety induced episode.  The woman that emerges is someone I am less than proud of.  She's been around my whole life, but now I see her emerging in my kids and the horror grows.  

But remember the battle is in the mind.  When I set my focus on that, I can in fact bring her out more.  When I slow it down and center myself and remind myself of all the good qualities I am passing on, the monster I see looks a bit smaller.    

Perfectionism has been at the root many a time; unable to see the whole picture narrowing in on the missteps and the failures unable to look them square in the eye and wanting so badly for them to just go away.  

But no one is perfect, even if the image they present looks it.

There is always something.  Embracing ourselves warts and all is the best way to live.  Not because we can’t change and everyone better just get used to our negative qualities but because accepting reality is really the first step to make changes.  

Why am I sharing all this with the world?  Its not because I need you to feel sorry for me or come tell me I’m great or suggest I see a counselor.  I am sharing this because I am not alone.  Many of you need to also -  

BE the BE!  

What ways are you allowing discontent thoughts and comparing yourself with others?  What ways are you narrowing in on your flaws to the exclusion of your beauty?  How can you embrace yourself, and be the person you were created to be?  It starts with a look into your emotional mirror and a decision to start with you not the you, you wish you were. You were created with purpose as is. Go forth and rock life! 

Maybe We've Got It All Wrong

People are stupid.  There I said it.  We chase after things that don’t really matter and fight for freedoms that damage us.  

I just don’t get it.  

Why is the “life”, the party life?  Why is it best to have the freedom to have sex with anyone?  Why is it best to fight to have an abortion when typically it wrecks our soul and leads us to make other choices that hurt us?  Why is it best to live a life that leads us to lonely places?  Why do we give God such a bad wrap for being too strict when the reality is everything he wants for us is what is best for us?  

Being in a committed loving relationship and sharing our heart in a real way is best for us - not sleeping around till you get an STD or wasting perfectly good humans to protect your right to have sex with anyone at anytime.  Sex isn’t the end all, be all of life - relationships are.  Living in freedom from addiction and knowing our true purpose is the best way to live.  

Its not freedom to drink but its being free to say no when you shouldn’t drink and free to say no to relationships that are toxic.  Its living a life free from fear of facing yourself and your inner demons but instead facing our own issues head on and moving past them.  

Yes, God has rules but he doesn’t lead with those rules.  He leads with love and when we discover who he made us to be and how we can best be like him to the world, we discover the rules are actually the path to freedom.  Each stage in life isn’t something to run from because we want what another stage has, instead its something to embrace because of what it offers us and how it prepares us for what is next.  

Then we know what is really worth fighting for because there are issues in this world worth fighting.  In knowing God we know the enemy that we fight.  We put on spiritual weapons and fight against the root, not a symptom of the problem.   

Have I just oversimplified life?  Maybe.  But when we chase after the right things then we discover so much more than we ever dreamed possible.  Humanity doesn’t need more freedom but accountability to each other so we can live in love.  Our decisions do impact others and its not just about ourselves.  

We need to focus on what matters and have frank conversations (often with people who have completely different world views) on how that can best be accomplished for the benefit of all.   I had a friend recently tell me, as we discussed issues that would have us living in opposition, that we weren’t really that different.  We saw past the labels and discussed the heart of the issues and what we saw was common ground.  That is something we need more of today.  

Do you ever stop and reflect at what is driving your positions and decisions?  Is it fear?  Is it judgement?  Is it anger?  Is it love?  Is it hope?  Is it bravery?  Where have you gone off your path?  Where have you misstepped?  Or maybe you are right on track and someone else needs your direction?  Be in community, be in relationships.  Seek God where you are, not where you will be good enough for him.  

Yes, maybe I have oversimplified because well each of these topics I’ve touched on could have books written on them highlighting all sorts of angles and caveats, but I become saddened when I see people time and time again wreck their world by overcomplicating and selling themselves short or fighting for the very thing that will kill their destiny and their soul.  

I Became A Mother 14 Years Before I Had My Son...

I become a mother 14 years before I had my son.  That may sound strange, but my definition of mom has been altered a bit through the life that I have led.  

In the summer of 1997 after graduating from high school, I travelled from Heidelberg, Germany to Springfield, Ohio and discovered, I was pregnant.  I was 18 years old and preparing to leave for college in just a few shorts months.  In contrast to my believe system, I had an abortion.  Despite only being 6 - 8 weeks along, I knew that my baby was a boy named Tyler.  It was a decision I regretted afterwards and had to walk a rough road just to live with that choice.  Tyler is my first child.  He always will be.   

My next child came 5 years later.  This time it wasn’t a baby and wasn’t from my body.  I was working at a group home for troubled teens. I was assigned 3 girls in my time there.  I still remember facing a hard time with one in particular and talking with her mom on the phone.  Her mom was comforting me as I walked a very difficult time with her.  Those girls were all mine and even though they have grown up and are now moms themselves, I will always think of them as my kids.  I was with them everyday through the hard parts of life for a year.  A year that branded me my heart in a way that will make those bonds reach beyond what an average year will do. 

My next children became mine in 2005.  I was 27 years old marrying a man 16 years my senior.  He brought into our lives his two beautiful girls - 14 and 18 at the time.  Even though I was closer in age with them than my husband.  I mothered them day in and day out.  The oldest, who is special needs, at 31 still lives with us.  She calls me mommy and is able to love all in her live.  

My husband and I tried for 5 years to have a baby.  We finally got pregnant and I was over the moon!  But Danielle was drawn to her brother, Tyler, and I miscarried one night at home.  It was a painful night both physically and emotionally.  I still have a photo of the toilet after miscarrying her.  It might sound gross, but its a bit of my goodbye, and closure with my baby girl who I never got to meet.  

In 2011 I had Caleb.  I still remember standing in a Hobby Lobby seeing a yellow cross that read, “For This Child I Prayed,“ and sobbing.  I was so scared he would follow Danielle’s lead, but he didn’t!  Even though I had considered myself a mom for years, this was the first time the world acknowledged me.  My journey led me to Caleb.  I couldn’t love someone more if I tried.  

You see, loving Caleb was easy it just happened inexplicably.  With my other children, especially my step daughters, my love was a choice.  It was a stronger and better choice than my first choice in 1997.  It was a daily choice to love despite the fact that I didn’t get to watch them grow from infancy or have them move in my belly.    That was an amazing love to know and to keep knowing.  

I thought that was the end of my motherhood.  But God surprised me just under three years ago with the news that I was pregnant.  This time with a girl and that girl just turned 2 last week.  Truth: I cried when I found out she was a girl.  I wanted another boy and was scared to be a mom of a girl.  I realized I had some baggage to sort with that fear, but her being a girl was the best thing EVER! 

I know there will be no more babies coming from my body, but if life has taught me something its that my journey of motherhood isn’t close to being over.  I have years with my babies, but I also don’t know what God may bring along my path in the future.  The children I love come in all forms.  I am better for each of my kids listed above and for each of the teenagers that has crossed my path in ministry over the past 15 years.  

The truth is when I look back over life, I too have parents that never birthed me - people that loved me like my own parents did and made a huge impact in my life.  There is some sorrow on my mom journey and I can tell you I would much rather have my two heaven babies on earth, but I am still their mom.  I can’t wait to wrap my arms around them one day.  Until then I continue to look ahead and live for today, remembering the journey and grateful for what I have gleaned along the way.  

When did you become a mom? Or a dad (for all the men reading this)?  Have you ever looked outside the traditional definition and seen the impact others have made on you and you on them along the way?  May you reflect and embrace all those on your path who mothered you and you them!