I AM INSANE!

I am insane.  There are no men waiting at my door to place me in my own white jacket, though I’m sure my husband thinks there should be sometimes.  Its just when I take a step back and look at some of things I do or struggle with I can honestly say, its nuts!  

I had another post planned for today but thought I would take a moment to breathe and share something from my real life in real time.  

Do you ever step back and watch yourself from a bird’s eye view?  As if you were some reality tv star being able to see your daily routine, ok so not entirely the same as there is nothing real about reality tv, but you get my point.  If you haven’t, you should - you will be amazed! 

Today, I am going out of town for two nights. I am going to a conference and will be sitting in classrooms all day.  Packing should be a simple task. Yet, if you’d watch me try to get ready to leave, you think I would be going away for a year.  I have lived in 6 states, 2 foreign countries, I have lived in at least 21 different houses/apartments and have travelled to 27 countries.  Packing shouldn’t be difficult for me but the truth is: 

I CANT PACK! 

I suck at it.  I also run around like a crazy person.  I had this conversation with my husband this morning,

 a man who has raised two daughters before I came around and is fully capable of running the house despite the copious notes I have left for him.

What is wrong with me?  

The simple answer is - I am human and I struggle with anxiety.  So there you go, but when I see it play out sometimes it completely makes me want to laugh.  I am going crazy over scenarios that haven’t happened, and preparing for the apocalypse and I am just going to be a few hours drive away!  

When I read the Bible, I often wonder why God repeats himself so much and I am pretty sure the answer is because we need it! Don't we all act insane at times?  We need God and more importantly we are a hot mess without him.  

If you are reading this, I hope you see the humor in my words because I know we are also wonderful, competent people.  But at our worst, I think insane is a good word.  

You know what?  Even when you are acting like me - a chicken with their head cut off obsessing over things that don't matter, God loves you.  He died for me when I was a hot mess! (Romans 5:8 - note that is a Carrie paraphrase, the Bible does not actually say hot mess).  

You know when I have a day like today, I have to take a step back and not take myself so seriously.  Sometimes I can laugh at my imperfections and issues because if you were at my house watching me today, you would chuckle at my craziness.  I know my husband does.  

I am so grateful I have a God who loves me as much as he does!  If you need a dose of love today, read I John in the Bible (its towards the back) and see just how much God loves you.  He gave his life for you and that is a sacrificial love that changes people.  

Happy Wednesday!  And if you think of it, pray for me as I leave this house! 

Be the Be

I have a real struggle with contentment.  Its not that I don’t love my life because I do.  I know I have a stellar family and am so happy with that reality.  

This discontentment comes when I look in the mirror (usually on a figurative level).  I have a hard time loving and embracing myself.  I see the beauty God has created but I also see the human with all her cracks and flaws and its easy to begin to compare to others around me.  

Before I know it I begin to think "if only" I looked like that, had their money, had that job, lived in that neighborhood, had their temperament, had been raised by their parents, and the list continues.  This is such a big deal because much of it happens on a subconscious level.  

I’ve become aware of what I am thinking and it astounds me just how much I have a “wish I had that…” thought. 

The real battle happens in our minds.  I’ve seen so much research on the power of our thoughts and its very surreal to think the real issue isn't what we have or don't have, but is our thoughts! Re-thinking a few things could be just what is needed to bring about the best results.  

Even the Bible speaks to our thoughts:  

I Corinthians 10:5

5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

Those mental roadblocks are supposed to be destroyed so we can stay on mental task.  

As I thought about all this (while driving, by the way), I thought we need to “Be the BE!”  By this I don’t mean be the "b" word; instead I mean, begin to live from where we are, not where we want to be.  We need to get good at being ourselves.  Its very hard to do in a culture that constantly throws comparisons in our face.  

Sometimes it just seems easier to be like everyone else.  I see this person finding success by doing motherhood or business a certain way and my brain just wants to copy their method and be them.  But the world doesn't need that.  I was made with a purpose and by living out me, I make the greatest impact.
  

Yes, it can be hard because there are things about myself, that crush me.  I’m not talking about my stringy hair or any other superficial quality but areas of character that motherhood has exposed in me and left me embarrassed.  

Its become apparent that I don't always deal well when things don't go as planned and often I can lash out when I feel out of control or when I'm operating in an anxiety induced episode.  The woman that emerges is someone I am less than proud of.  She's been around my whole life, but now I see her emerging in my kids and the horror grows.  

But remember the battle is in the mind.  When I set my focus on that, I can in fact bring her out more.  When I slow it down and center myself and remind myself of all the good qualities I am passing on, the monster I see looks a bit smaller.    

Perfectionism has been at the root many a time; unable to see the whole picture narrowing in on the missteps and the failures unable to look them square in the eye and wanting so badly for them to just go away.  

But no one is perfect, even if the image they present looks it.

There is always something.  Embracing ourselves warts and all is the best way to live.  Not because we can’t change and everyone better just get used to our negative qualities but because accepting reality is really the first step to make changes.  

Why am I sharing all this with the world?  Its not because I need you to feel sorry for me or come tell me I’m great or suggest I see a counselor.  I am sharing this because I am not alone.  Many of you need to also -  

BE the BE!  

What ways are you allowing discontent thoughts and comparing yourself with others?  What ways are you narrowing in on your flaws to the exclusion of your beauty?  How can you embrace yourself, and be the person you were created to be?  It starts with a look into your emotional mirror and a decision to start with you not the you, you wish you were. You were created with purpose as is. Go forth and rock life!