Baby, Maybe?

Today, I have two beautiful babies, but for five years I was unsure I'd ever get to this place. Since this is "National Infertility Awareness Week," I thought I'd share my story.  

My husband and I married ten years ago and I had an instant family with his two girls. I love my role as stepmom, but felt like an outsider looking in at times as my husband and his girls had traditions and memories that didn't include me.  I was coming in late in the game and didn't know what my stepdaughters had been like as babies.  I missed out on the process and it was a challenging reality.  I hoped adding our kids to the mix would give us a better sense of family. I've dreamed of having kids since girlhood, and I was devastated when we weren't getting pregnant.

People tell you if you, "relax and don't think about it, you will get pregnant." 

First of all, that's just not true! Yes, stress can be a negative factor in conceiving and there are things you can try to help your chances (and I did most of them), but it isn't simple enough to just say, "relax." There are a lot of factors as to why someone isn't getting pregnant and pinpointing one element as the easy fix isn't fair or accurate.

Second, "just relax" is impossible! Each month you get this reminder that there is no baby when you get your period. Periods aren't fun to begin with, but when it mocks you in your desire to have children, it's even less fun!

I'm a Christian, raised in church and Christian school and I know the passages in the Bible that speak of children being a blessing and it was a blessing I deeply desired.  I struggled with how God could keep me barren and what that meant about me and my value to him. I began to feel less of a woman because I didn't have my own kids. 

The reality was, I may never have a child of my own. That gut wrenching truth plagued me and forced me to face my God to get answers. Instead of asking,"Will I have a baby?" I went to God wanting to know, "who am I if I never do?"

When life turns upside down, the best course of action isn't to run from God or lean in, in hopes of getting what you want, but instead lean in to discover Him in a new way.  Trust me when I say this is easier said than done, but it's what we were created for, a relationship with our Creator! 

I cried out to God and bawled my eyes out and finally came to a place where I accepted that I may never be called "mom" from my own flesh and blood. I was able to meet God there and tell him, I would trust him, follow him and love him, even if I never had a baby (usually said in tears).  This was an amazing crossroads, not because I could now get the magic key to have a baby but because I saw God beyond a baby. I trusted God to fulfill my purpose, even if that meant biological motherlessness. 

My day did come. I was elated when I found out I was having a baby, I called everyone I knew before the pee on the stick could dry.  I posted on Facebook and shouted from every mountain that I was having a baby. I started my doctor visits and readied for my new reality. 

Then one day, the doctor had a concern about the heart beat and ordered another ultrasound. I went in to discover the baby wasn't going to make it and I was going to have a miscarriage. That night I woke up in excruciating pain and after several hours of contractions, I miscarried my baby. 

The horror of having to wait years again and losing this baby, whom I already loved, seemed unbearable! Suddenly, as if on cue, everyone I knew seemed to be getting pregnant and it was hard not to be jealous of the babies they had in their bellies. I wasn't sure I could go on, but I chose to praise God for being all-knowing and all-powerful and all-loving in the midst of my deepened pain. I again told him, I trusted.

Six months later, I was pregnant again.  This time I waited to tell people to make sure I would sustain this baby.  I was nervous the whole time waiting, hoping this time would be different. Then four months early I ended up in the hospital with early contractions nervous of what would happen.  They were able to give me a shot and help me make it until delivery day.  Four years later without any plans to have another, we were blessed with a second baby! 

Hindsight truly is amazing because now I look back and am grateful that I was able to give my attention to my stepdaughters and now, that they are grown, can give attention to my little ones as they need it. I don't think I would have been capable of that juggle and I see God had a plan.

 I know not every story ends like mine. Some who seek motherhood, never find it, at least not in the traditional sense. But God wasn't silent on this matter.  Many nights I was comforted by scriptures like Isaiah 54:1 that reminded me how many children I've mothered who never came from my womb but needed me all the same and I consider that role a great honor. 

““Sing, barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband,” says the Lord.”

Isaiah 54:1 NIV

My heart will always grieve with the woman who longs for a baby, maybe even going to great financial lengths only to find themselves without that desire met. There are no words to ease your pain, but I wish a life of joy for you in your journey, may your life birth a purpose that encourages you through the heartache. For truth is despite the pain, your value is not based on the number of children you have. You are a beauty of great worth on your own. 

I Just Love Him

I remember this time last year. I was fat. Yes, I said it, fat. Well maybe that's not the best description but I was pregnant and closing in on my due date. The last 2 months of my pregnancy just flew by with the hectic holiday schedule. I waddled to the beat of a slow drum trying to keep up with the pace. I was preparing for baby, a baby I had prayed for - let's be honest, I'd begged God for this baby. I was gun shy after a previous miscarriage and was anxious to know this human inside crushing my ribs.

Now, I am approaching the holidays with a baby that will be 10 months by Thanksgiving and it just seems so surrial. Time has just flown by and, with anticipation of this reality, I've tried to savor every moment and it still just flies by. I'm amazed as my 8 lb 10 oz boy tries to walk by palming walls and doors, moving his 27 lb chubby body around the house. He's no longer in tiny baby clothes but is now venturing into toddler zone with his 2T pants on account of his massive, chunky thighs.

I rock him at night and stare at his precious face and I am overwhelmed by this gift that God chose to give me! He is the most beautiful thing I have ever beheld and the wonder of it never wears off. I love so many people so much and yet not with the awe in which I carry for my little boy. So blessed and so happy to have this baby boy in my life. Thank you God!

The End of Silence

So its been awhile since my last post. In the interim I've had a big life happening. I got pregnant, had a baby and have been adjusting to new life with a baby the past 2 months. I stopped writing after discovering I was pregnant. Last time I got pregnant, I was so excited I shouted the news from the rooftops and then faced a lot of reoccurring pain once I miscarried and had to deliver the news repeatedly. This time I chose to wait until my first appointment to share the news so I laid low but by the time I was ready to share the news I had lost some of my excitement of the moment you first discover the good news. I was honestly nervous the entire pregnancy. While I trusted God I also was worried of repeat. The contrast of both kept me silenced. But I am back and ready to start talking again. I hope to share more of my thoughts with the world. I'd love to have you join me in talking. God bless. - Carrie

What Pain Really Means

As I watched the end of "Marley & Me" tonight and saw the pain in the faces of the characters as they said goodbye to a dear friend, it brought me to the journey of pain I have experienced over the past 6 months. I realized that each area of pain is present because of hopes and dreams and relationships. Its the presence of an open heart to the people around me that even allows me the chance for heartache. If I were closed off I would not be able to experience anything good or bad in this life.

The loss of Sandie pained me so because she dwelled within my heart and I allowed her to mean something to me beyond the title, "mother-in-law," and Kurt's news of cancer hurt me because I had allowed God the opportunity to create warmth in my heart where deep brokeness once lived. I allowed God to let love flow for a man that I never thought I could love. Of course, the pain of a miscarriage for what I wanted and what now had opened the door to be, yet was taken away.

Pain is present because I am present in my life. I am not just sitting by while the days pass tuning into the latest drama of reality tv to fill my heart, but I living, loving, hoping, dreaming, and allowing whatever may come to just be. I accept, though at times I want to pick what comes my way. Even in the face of so much pain, I will embrace this thing called life.

Grief stricken

I wish I could explain the pain I feel in my loss of the baby, and all that came with it. Its been hard to walk in life and see dreams fall to the ground. Its been hard to celebrate in other's joyous moments when they seem to point to my pain. At times, though I know this is not true, I feel God mocks me as the things I praised him for seem to fade away and as each week brings 3 or 4 more pregnant friends. I know God is good, and I know he loves me. I recognize that my heartache is far less than others' suffering around the world, but that knowledge does not comfort me. Its hard to find joy when I find myself daily swimming in grief pools. I know all will be well, but my heart wants to explode inside my chest. This too shall pass, but for now it just hurts worse than any break-up has even broken my heart.

While I thank people for their pointing to the encouragement of knowing I may now get pregnant, it almost feels worse. Like a desire was finally given only to be taken away. It hurts.

The Grief Process

There are seven stages to grief. Shock, Denial, Bargaining, Guilt, Anger, Depression and finally, Acceptance.

With my recent miscarriage, I feel like I quickly experienced shock and denial and passed by bargaining and guilt straight to anger. I have parked my car there with a quick trip to depression on the occasion. I find myself spouting off things I can and can't do now that I am not pregnant. Kevin asked me who I was mad at and I don't have an answer for that, but I am angry. Angry my life just can't be easy at any step of the way. Nothing has come easy for me and that is frustrating. I am not angry at God because I know he knows what he is doing. I just wish it could be easier than it is. I have no desire to ask,"why" I just want to know, "what now?" What should my attitude be? How should I approach my life? These are all questions I don't have answers for, and I'm fine with that for now. My emotional process has been interupted by the current physical pain. I had no idea a miscarriage would be so painful. I didn't want to have to have a D&C as it would remind me of my past abortion, and I am thankful that I had the miscarriage a day after discovering it was my envitable future, but I did not expect both the pain the reality of all that would happen. It was shocking and slightly traumatic, but it was nice to have a distraction from my emotions for awhile as I let my body heal.

Continued Faith in the Midst of Grief

Faith is a powerful tool in one's spiritual tool box. Knowing what its used for and what it is and what it is not will allow it be the most useful tool out there. Today I was met with seeing what you hoped for not come true and yet still filled with faith in a God who is what he says he is. Its being able to thank God in the midst of sheer heartache and still hope in future dreams. I am sad because today I learned that this pregnancy isn't going to happen. The baby has stopped developing and we no longer hear a heart beat. While it is still partially in my body, its soul has gone to be with the Lord. After my dream last week, I have decided to name this miscarried baby, Danielle. I now have 2 babies in heaven and still hope to have one on this earth. I still long to carry a baby to term and hold it in my arms and watch it grow. I still believe that God will allow that to happen, but for now I grieve the loss I am experiencing and pray God will get me through it. Its easy to lose hope, but I choose to believe in a God that has all under control and has perfect timing. In Isaiah 55:8-9 tells us that Gods thoughts and ways are not like ours and are higher than ours. God knows what he is doing, and I trust in that. I cannot know the mind of Christ for me in this painful situation and honestly painful time as I have faced a lot of heartache with others in my family and close friends. I can honestly say I am tired of death and heartache, but I don't have control over what I face, just how I face it. So I choose to walk in faith even in this time of sadness and grief. The tears will abound, but the heart will remain strong.

The Faith Process

Hebrews 11 - Tells us that "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." This is sentence is easier to say than it is to live out. But today I began to see it bearing real fruit in my life.

I was married 4 years ago last month. I married a wonderful man who has experienced a lot of life, something I am very familiar with myself. It was God that brought two people together who are 16 years apart in age. Having been previously married my husband brought two almost grown children into our marriage. I came into the marriage with only an abortion in my past wanting desperately for children of my own.

My husband had a vasectomy in his previous marriage which would need to be reversed. We went into the reversal surgery already with 2 years of marriage under our belt and were only promised a 50% chance of success. I was believing God for a miracle as the surgery alone cost us the rest of our savings at the time, but with each month of a period my hopes for a baby was crashing. I told God I trusted him no matter regardless of his plan for me, and even though I felt I wanted a baby more than anything, what I most wanted was his will for my life.

Almost two years passed with no sign of pregancy. But I continued to persist in prayer and put my trust in God. Last month I discovered I was pregnant and was bewildered and excited all at once. It was something that didn't feel real, but it was in fact happening. I cried with gratitude to the Lord and called everyone on planet earth with the news.

The story now brings us to present day "Carrie Life" and a few weeks ago I began to have bleeding, something that can be normal with some women in pregnancy, but as a precaution I was sent to have blood tests and an early ultrasound. All tests came back saying things looked good, until yesterday. I went for my first official doctors visit and after the ultrasound the doctor told my husband and myself that he was 98% sure I was having a miscarriage. The ultrasound machine he was using was older so there was a chance a different machine would be more assuring and I could just be early in my pregnancy than suspected. So I was asked to go into get another ultrasound today.

I left the office last night upset but determined to have faith. I put it before God that I would always stand by Job 1:21 - "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, may the name of the Lord be praised." No matter what the outcome I would praise God because He is in control and He is Lord. He has a plan and I will always put my trust in that instead of what is before me in life. I chose, despite the thoughts that tried to bombard me with discouragement and doubt, to stand by God in faith believing that 98% "No" in human language was not too much for my God. I chose to walk in faith and trust God to do anything. As I slept last night a familiar song filled my head. Its called, "He's Never Failed Me," and the lyrics truly inspire confidence in God. I awoke and read about the Fiery Furnance in Daniel chapter 3 and decided to give all glory to God despite the outcome, and regardless of any news this morning I felt like I had been successful in having faith. I felt my believe in God permeate my being and live out in my actions. I was walking in the "substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."

I went in for the ultrasound this morning and while I have not yet heard from the doctor, I know I saw a sack and fetal pole and heard a heart beat. The nurse said I appear to be more like 6 weeks than 9 weeks, and I am confident God provided a miracle for me. I receive this amazing gift not only of a baby, but also of faith.