Why Parenting Is So Hard!

I think anyone who has kids, of any variety, knows parenting is HARD! Don't get me wrong, it is also amazing!! Becoming a mom awakened a part of me that didn't exist before.  I am in awe of these mini-people who fill my life with frustration and happiness of equal and epic proportions. 

But why is parenting so hard?  That is a bigger question than this blog post could ever answer, but the answer that is currently resonating with me is because of what our kids reveal in us.  Even though kids are unique, they still reflect the best and worst of us, as parents. 

My son is just like me so finding the parallels of my personal issues in his behavior has never been hard, but my daughter is another story.   When I found out my youngest was a girl, I cried. I cried because I wanted a boy.   

At the time I didn't fully understand what was happening in my soul, but as I've been her mom, I see now it was fear.  I was afraid to be a mom to a girl, because I was afraid to look at parts of myself I was subconsciously avoiding. 

As God has walked with me into the darkness of my hidden self-loathing, I have faced my fear of not being enough in being her mom. 

Let me be clear, I love my daughter and I wouldn't trade her for the world.  I also welcome the journey of self-discovery that raising her has led me on.  I am one who wholeheartedly believes, the best life is one that is free from past junk! Despite the pain of facing my inner demons, I am eager to be baggage-free. 

But all of this just enforces the challenges of parenting.  We are humans in process, after all.  Having to do everyday life and then be sent the unexpected self-awareness curveball through your child's behavior is downright, overwhelming!   You never know when your child will playback your greatest fears and worst habits in their tantrum about homework, or be hurt by a friend and be crushed in a way you remember happening when you were younger.  What is that one thing you hate about yourself?  Seeing it in that face you'd die for or wish you could rescue them from your flaw you despise  - is terrifying!    We can't stop our kids from being like us - human or from getting hurt. 

The good news is, we aren't alone and God has a plan.  He will use every ounce of our good and bad parenting to shape their character and purpose and to heal our past in the process if we let him.  Some of my favorite traits were birthed out of the hardest challenges I faced, so I have to allow my kids to do the same.  When I look at this in reverse, I can tell you, I know my parents faults, but I love being like them in spite of those traits. 

How great is God that he uses our kids to draw us out of our comfort zones and allows us the space to grow in our relationship with him, self-awareness and desire to heal?! 

As I am reading Job right now in the Bible, I am reminded how often we feel the need to give advice when what we really need to do is offer encouragement.  Sure advice is necessary at times, but we don't have all the answers so engaging others like we do, isn't always helpful.  Job had three friends with loads of advice, but failed to give him what he needed - someone to remind him, he wasn't alone and to encourage not to give up. 

So here I am, letting you know - you aren't alone, so don't give up!  If you need more relational time, make space in your schedule to spend time with people - face to face, so you can grow your friendships and take care of your soul.  Keep going - God is bigger than whatever you face.  Ask him to show you just how big he is, then stand back and watch!!!  Happy Wednesday! 

I DON'T KNOW YOU

When I was growing up if I liked a famous person, I could always write a letter to their
fan club and hope to receive an autographed photo in the mail.  Those in the Hollywood limelight were unapproachable to the average folk, like myself.  Times have changed since those days. 

Now, if I like an actress or singer, all I have to do is follow their Instagram and I instantly know all about their life - where they eat, their kids and fur babies, their latest red carpet event and the trip they just took.  This change goes beyond fame; when I meet someone at an event I speak at, or in a meeting at the kid's school, I can then go add them on Facebook or accept their request to friend me.  Craig Groeschel makes note of the use of the word "friend" on Facebook in his book, "#Struggles: Following Jesus in a Selfie-Centered World."  Its true, we get fed a subconscious lie that we are adding to our friends whenever we add someone to that list of connections. 

The internet has tricked me.  Its tricked me into thinking I have a lot of friends.  Truth - I do have a lot of friends, but as I've aged, I have way more acquaintances than friends.  Friend - you know the person that is there when life has got you down or pops the champagne when you conquer that mountain you climbed.  A friend isn't just someone who is connected with you on Facebook or follows you on Instagram.

Because here is the thing - knowing something about someone doesn't mean we know them! Its awkward sometimes to stand next to a mom at pick up that I have never sat and just talked with, but I know all about her family and that hard time she went through last year, because Facebook told me. 

The same can be true for people like Candace Cameron Bure.  I feel connected because I watch her on Hallmark Channel and I follow her feed, but I have NEVER met the woman.  She has no clue who I am.  We are not friends. Its time for a reality-check.  Can you distinguish between your true friends and just people you know about?  I have to remind myself of this truth as I scroll the feeds - I DON'T KNOW YOU!!! This doesn't mean, there aren't acquaintances that I'm pursuing friendship with or friends who have grown and gone their own ways that I stay connected with, because this is why I love social media!

The danger comes when we live online and forget to maintain relationships in real time.  Doing so will lead to loneliness and depression and often worse.  The hole in people is what often fuels the horrible stories we read in the news.

This is also true in our spiritual life.  Knowing about Jesus, doesn't equate to knowing him.  Knowing him is accomplished in the same way we know people around us - spending time together.  I sit and talk to God about my life, about the Bible and while he doesn't speak in words to me, he speaks back.  He connects with me through moments in life where I see my heart fulfilled or when I got that thing that didn't mean anything except that he heard me.  He speaks to me through the Bible, a book that has been around forever, and yet can speak to my specific day. 

 The light at the end of this tunnel is that its easy to fix.  Life offline as much if not more than you do online.  Meet someone for coffee, get to know a new friend and put the work in, to make that Facebook "friend" a real-life friend!!!  Same with God - he makes it easy to come to him and its never too late to start. 

Do you have the proper balance between your online and offline self?  Do you need to adjust or maybe you got this down and its your turn to share it with someone else?  Checking in with ourselves is a must for a healthy life!  There is always a take-away.  So go and get it!

The One Thing I Want For My Kids

Last week I had one of the best days ever!  My son and I went into his room, closed the door, turned off the lights and turned on this colorful strobe bulb he won as a prize a few years ago and we cranked up the music for our very own dance party.  I love music and love to dance so adding my son to this equation was just all of the amazings there ever was!  (Yes, I recognize that last sentence isn't exactly grammatically correct, but sometimes you just have to say it how it comes out). 

When it was time for a break we sat on his bed.  He excitedly asked to show me a few songs he loved.  I searched YouTube for the videos he described and discovered several worship songs he sings in school chapel that made him light up the room brighter than any color coming from that strobe bulb.  The joy began to gush from my heart. 

This morning on the way to school we had a worship dance session as I blared one of those songs in the car along the drive. 

I was reminded of a thought that circumstances in life have been bringing me back to a lot lately.

Let me first say, I am great mom, sometimes.  Sometimes, I am the worst mom.  Yes, I know I am hard on myself, but I think that sentence is empirically accurate.  My own fears, anxiety and anger can take over and can destroy my ability to impart greatness to my kids, and that is definitely a regret as I walk this mom path. 

I strive to better myself and dwell on the moments I rock as a mom so I don't solely focus on my failures. As I evaluate the fruit of my overall parenting, I have concluded there is only one thing I want for my kids when it is all said and done! 

I am going to screw stuff up and my kids will have areas of life to sort as they grow into adulthood, but if I can make the way for them to have this one thing, I will be content with the job I have done and continue to do.  

Can you guess what that one thing is? 

It isn't that they will be responsible, have good grades, have a ton of friends, be polite or anything else along those lines. Don't get me wrong, I want my kids to be those things, but another item rises to the top of the list for me - every time.  What is it? 

I want my kids to love God and have a strong, solid relationship with Jesus!  That is it.  If that foundation is solid, they will inevitably have everything else that goes along with it because God calls us to love others and to be doers of his word.  That includes some of the items above and so much more, but the key is this. 

Even if my kids are responsible adults with a good job and stable income, well-loved by others and polite to all they meet and DON'T have a relationship with God, I won't be satisfied.  I will see my job as not yet completed and will continue to pray for that one thing. 

Knowing this aim helps me to adjust how I parent.  It lets me test what I am emphasizing and filling their time with to evaluate if it accomplishes that one thing.  It also challenges me to keep my relationship with God at the forefront of all else both for my own personal goals, but also as an example to my children. 

Whether you are a parent or not, this reflective thought has value for your life.  What is your one thing?  What do you prize above all else in the person you are, and if you are a parent, in what you ultimately want for your kids?  Are you on track or do you need to adjust?  Find your internal compass and change direction where needed, or encourage yourself if you are on course. 

Are You Really Doing Your Job?

Sixteen years ago, I remember going to see Erin Brockovich when it came out in theaters.  It was not just a great movie, but a great message and the fact that it was a true story, made it even better.   There is one scene that came to mind this morning in our church staff meeting that just resonated with me in the topic of our Christian walk. 

You see Erin Brockovich was tasked at her job in a law office to look through some old files.  In her time on the job she discovered a case that needed to be unearthed.  That led her to go out and find some more information.  The problem was her boss thought she wasn’t showing up to work.  He almost fired her when she was able to reveal what she found.   They thought because she wasn’t in the office, she wasn’t working, but the truth is she was out there actually doing what the job required of her, and honestly, even more. 

Too often, as Christians in America, we add church to our weekly calendar and continue on with life as if showing up to a church building on a Sunday is our job.  Some go further by becoming a volunteer or by tithing and others may even attend a weekly small group or Bible Study.  We get seen, get the God part of our life in and go about our daily checklist.   It isn’t wrong to go to church and do all the things I listed in the sentences above, but is that really doing our job? 

Matthew 28:18-20 - Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me.  Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

The church and more specifically, the building we meet in, does serve a purpose.  If life were a football game, then getting together would be our time for practice and right before the game, a pep rally.  But, the rally isn’t the game!  More is expected of us.  Some of us need to get in the game.  We need to be more like Erin Brockovich.  We need to be out there amongst the people if we ever want to do any Godly good.  How are we to bring people to Christ if we aren’t actually spending time with people who don’t know God?  Maybe we won’t be seen as much in “the office,” but if we are doing the job, isn’t that what matters?  I’m not saying we should stop going to church, instead I am saying that one act shouldn’t define our religious experience.  It shouldn’t just be about the act of going but the act of living like Christ in our daily lives.  

I’m not a tract hander outer, and while that works for some, the best way we can show God to people is by being with them and loving them the way God would.   That takes intentional living, not just going through the motions of the day to day but allowing God to lead you into the lives of people who are searching for a Savior. 

Action Point: Are you really doing what God has asked you or have you become a cultural Christian?  Take some time and seek God and discover what purposes He has for your life.  What He is asking of you?