I Became A Mother 14 Years Before I Had My Son...

I become a mother 14 years before I had my son.  That may sound strange, but my definition of mom has been altered a bit through the life that I have led.  

In the summer of 1997 after graduating from high school, I travelled from Heidelberg, Germany to Springfield, Ohio and discovered, I was pregnant.  I was 18 years old and preparing to leave for college in just a few shorts months.  In contrast to my believe system, I had an abortion.  Despite only being 6 - 8 weeks along, I knew that my baby was a boy named Tyler.  It was a decision I regretted afterwards and had to walk a rough road just to live with that choice.  Tyler is my first child.  He always will be.   

My next child came 5 years later.  This time it wasn’t a baby and wasn’t from my body.  I was working at a group home for troubled teens. I was assigned 3 girls in my time there.  I still remember facing a hard time with one in particular and talking with her mom on the phone.  Her mom was comforting me as I walked a very difficult time with her.  Those girls were all mine and even though they have grown up and are now moms themselves, I will always think of them as my kids.  I was with them everyday through the hard parts of life for a year.  A year that branded me my heart in a way that will make those bonds reach beyond what an average year will do. 

My next children became mine in 2005.  I was 27 years old marrying a man 16 years my senior.  He brought into our lives his two beautiful girls - 14 and 18 at the time.  Even though I was closer in age with them than my husband.  I mothered them day in and day out.  The oldest, who is special needs, at 31 still lives with us.  She calls me mommy and is able to love all in her live.  

My husband and I tried for 5 years to have a baby.  We finally got pregnant and I was over the moon!  But Danielle was drawn to her brother, Tyler, and I miscarried one night at home.  It was a painful night both physically and emotionally.  I still have a photo of the toilet after miscarrying her.  It might sound gross, but its a bit of my goodbye, and closure with my baby girl who I never got to meet.  

In 2011 I had Caleb.  I still remember standing in a Hobby Lobby seeing a yellow cross that read, “For This Child I Prayed,“ and sobbing.  I was so scared he would follow Danielle’s lead, but he didn’t!  Even though I had considered myself a mom for years, this was the first time the world acknowledged me.  My journey led me to Caleb.  I couldn’t love someone more if I tried.  

You see, loving Caleb was easy it just happened inexplicably.  With my other children, especially my step daughters, my love was a choice.  It was a stronger and better choice than my first choice in 1997.  It was a daily choice to love despite the fact that I didn’t get to watch them grow from infancy or have them move in my belly.    That was an amazing love to know and to keep knowing.  

I thought that was the end of my motherhood.  But God surprised me just under three years ago with the news that I was pregnant.  This time with a girl and that girl just turned 2 last week.  Truth: I cried when I found out she was a girl.  I wanted another boy and was scared to be a mom of a girl.  I realized I had some baggage to sort with that fear, but her being a girl was the best thing EVER! 

I know there will be no more babies coming from my body, but if life has taught me something its that my journey of motherhood isn’t close to being over.  I have years with my babies, but I also don’t know what God may bring along my path in the future.  The children I love come in all forms.  I am better for each of my kids listed above and for each of the teenagers that has crossed my path in ministry over the past 15 years.  

The truth is when I look back over life, I too have parents that never birthed me - people that loved me like my own parents did and made a huge impact in my life.  There is some sorrow on my mom journey and I can tell you I would much rather have my two heaven babies on earth, but I am still their mom.  I can’t wait to wrap my arms around them one day.  Until then I continue to look ahead and live for today, remembering the journey and grateful for what I have gleaned along the way.  

When did you become a mom? Or a dad (for all the men reading this)?  Have you ever looked outside the traditional definition and seen the impact others have made on you and you on them along the way?  May you reflect and embrace all those on your path who mothered you and you them!  

PSA From A Former Wedding Planner

I have noticed some alarming trends in our culture lately with prominent events.  They have been personally bothering me, then yesterday, I got a call from my sister and decided it was time to share my two cents. 

Let me first say, I am not Miss Manners and don't live my life to the book of etiquette, but even with that being said, we are crossing over into a territory that is sad to me.  I spent ten years planning weddings for our church and for friends.  I also have worked as a youth pastor for 14 years and a good chunk of that job is planning events.  I love event planning and its a great fit for my anxiety-prone personality.  The anxiety, while usually a negative, proves helpful when you have to envision every possible scenario ahead of time.  That way, you are prepared for whatever may come. 

So there are really two things I want to share (and trust me there are way more than two issues). 

1.  Don't Abandon Paper!

Our digital world is saving some trees and that is great, but some events warrant the extra step of pen to paper.  If you want to gather friends at your house for a fun get together or even have a kids birthday party, I really don't think its an issue to do a Facebook event, even though if you are inviting older folks or those not as technologically advanced, you may wish to also have a paper invite.  Both is great! 

The more formal the event, the less I think a Facebook event suffices.  For example, if you are getting married, send out invitations!!!!  This is a big deal, and even if you have a small budget, you can print things fairly inexpensively these days.  It doesn't have to be super complicated, ornate or embellished, but tradition of the invitation, is really vital.  Sending someone a note is personal. 

It says you care. 

Before I leave this point, let's discuss the "Thank-you" note.  I admit, I can go overboard with this topic, but if someone takes the time to give you a gift (for any occasion) or make time to celebrate a special event with you, a thank-you note is important.  As I explained to my six-year-old son - if they took the time to give and wrap the gift, you can take the time to thank them for it.  Please for big events, don't send out a pre-printed standard thank-you.  That is almost as bad as not sending one. 

Its like saying,

"I know I am supposed to send this to you, but I don't care enough to take the time to actually do this properly." 

It doesn't have to be long, but tell them you are glad they came to your event, thank them for their card or gift.  Let them know why it means something to you, and sign your name.  DONE!  If you are lucky enough to have people rally around you in life, than you owe them the thanks for being there. 

Please Note: If you are a thank-you note giver and you miss something here and there, its okay, we aren't perfect and frankly, this blog post isn't addressing you because you write them in the first place. 

2.  RSVP

First, let me say, please RSVP!  Its common courtesy and unless it says "regrets only," please let the person know you got the invite and you either plan to come or don't plan to.  If you have an scheduling issue that won't allow you to know until after the RSVP, please alert the person inviting you to this issue.  Silence may be easier for you, but it is RUDE!!! 

Now, my sister enters the scene.  She called to get my feedback on an event she is hosting and how to handle a specific situation.  Someone had RSVP'ed for more than were invited and she reminded me of my own list of similar experiences.  Take note of who is invited and if you want to bring someone (a date, your kids), first ask if it is okay before giving your RSVP.  Please consider the cost the host is having to pay, the people limit they may have or the venue constraints.  You aren't the one planning so you don't have all the facts.  Please check first before you just make a decision on that front.  Look at the envelope who is invited?  The Family, the couple, you and a date or JUST YOU?  Please note and RSVP accordingly. 


Like I said there is more I could say, but that is all for now.  Please go about your regularly scheduled lives. 

Where's My Oscar?

America (and the world) watched the Oscar's this past Sunday and people were celebrated for their talents in the area of film. As I watched, it got me thinking about a few things.  Without comparing or putting down what artists do in Hollywood, because I do see the impact films have in the lives of people, I began to ponder my own life. 

• I am thirty-eight years old. 
• I have no retirement,
• no medical benefits through my job,
• and make less than $25,000/year after 15 years job experience and a Bachelor's Degree. 

I'm not sharing my stats with you so you will feel sorry for me and take up a collection or GoFundMe page.  I am sharing because in truth,

                                                              I deserve an Oscar. 

Even if we boomerang back to the film industry

    there are more unsung heroes than Oscar-winning victors. 

For every award that is given, there are hundreds, and probably even closer to a thousand movies that don't get any award.  In January 2016 alone, there were a total of 161 movies released.  (I really wanted to count them all for 2016, but January took long enough :)). 

I am not an actress, so I will never get an Oscar.  The point I am making is the life work I do day in and day out is award-winning worthy.  I don't always see the fruit of my labor, but

pouring into the lives of people and more specifically, teenagers, is an important job. 

I love (almost) every minute of it, and definitely wouldn't trade the years I have behind me for anything, but at the end of the day, I will never receive an award at any kind of ceremony, much less, Oscar status. Please hear me when I say, never getting an award is just fine with me!  My friend, Tracy, hit the nail on the head with a recent Facebook post about her job working with kids and teens:

I live in that boat with her.  Every once in awhile, I get a card of thanks or get to hear the impact my contribution made in someone's life and its worth it.  Lives being enriched far outweighs any paycheck or award.   Thankfully, as great as those Oscar's are, they aren't the indicator of human value, because if they were than only a few people would matter and the work they do and I believe EVERY LIFE MATTERS! 

I don't know who is reading this.  Maybe you feel like an unsung hero and if you do please hear me say, "Stay the course!"  The work you do matters (unless you are a terrorist or serial killer, then PLEASE STOP)! Maybe you have a hero in your life, that needs some encouragement from you.  Either way, you have your place in this life and what you do is important even if no one ever communicates that to you. 

Things that Don’t Work If You Have Small Kids

I see a lot out there that seems like a good idea until I put it up against my life, then it just seems foolish.  Here are a few of my recent favorite things that just don’t work with my young kiddos.

1. KonMari Method of Tidying Up 

    I love Marie Kondo and her books on tidying up.  I’ve read them both and I have found her ideas very insightful.  I’ve been able to get more shirts into a drawer with her folding method, and able to get rid of things I was holding onto for the wrong reasons; but to do her method as laid out in her books, just doesn't work with small children.  

If I have to get everything out at once, there just isn't time to sort before my youngest has grabbed an item or ten or and thrown them about the house.  This proves especially irritating once I’ve gotten a drawer of clothing properly folded and then she ceremoniously dumps the drawer of clothes onto the floor.  There is an hour I’m not getting back!  So for now, the “shove it in the right drawer” method is a must for my own sanity. 

2. Capsule Collection 

I have a hard time deciding what to wear and I do believe having less clothing would alleviate some of those issues but while 36 items that you can mix and match for a variety of outfits sounds magical, it doesn't work for mothers of preschoolers.  What do I wear the second day my entire wardrobe has been demolished by the food spills, dirty hands and miscellaneous messes that dictate at least 5 outfits a day, minimum!  I need a lot of clothes to wear because I have to change A LOT!  Great idea for another stage in life, just not this one.  

3. Items That Aren’t Washable 

My daughter has the Stella Doll.  It is amazing and she loves it.  All the accessories with their magnets make for fun play time, but that doll gets dirty and a cloth wipe down isn't taking away the stains of life.  It's not just her Stella doll either, my son's car seat had cloth fabric that was not removable.  Yeah right! So when your kid throws up you are just supposed to hope you can get it out with a wet rag?  Really?   Our latest carseat is fully washable and all of it comes off and can go into the washing machine.  That is a necessity if you actually plan to put a child in it.   Do the people who make these toys and baby items have children or even met one for that matter? Attention manufacturers: if you are making something for a baby or toddler or child, it must be washable!  Thanks!!!

4. Anything White 

I love a cute white rug in my living room or a nice white dress for a summer outing, but when you put white against kids, kids win every time!! While we are on the subject of white, why are we making so many white clothes for kids?   When will someone start making clothes for actual kids, not just small people.  Heck, where are the disposable clothes?  Sign me up for that mail order club!  

5. A Conversation 

Before my kid days, I got annoyed when I would call a friend and they were constantly interrupted by kiddos.  I just didn't get what was going on on the other side of the phone.  Now it is my reality and I want to yell at the younger version of myself.  If little kids are present, we are not having an in-depth conversation.  It will be constantly interrupted and plan to hear me repeat "What was I saying?" A LOT!!!  If you want me to meet you out for conversation it needs to be without kids or at my house during nap, otherwise: 

1 I’m not having any fun 

2 I didn't hear half of what you said

3 It’s not personal, just not possible

  I have a few other gems I could add to the list, but I will  just give them honorable mention: Dinner out, a movie, paying more for better quality clothing (its gonna get ruined so who cares).  

What would you add to the list?  I’d love to hear it!!! Comment below with your best list addition.  

By The Time You Get It, You Won't Want It

Who has wronged you?  Who has stolen your money, your sexuality, your spirit, your years, your joy?  Who tarnished your reputation or turned their back on you?  The level of wronged varies between us but I would guess most of us, if not all, have been, in fact, wronged.  

Its one thing to know the Bible and quote a verse that acts as a bandaid to a wound, its quite another to walk it out.  To say, “love your enemy,” sounds poetic and beautiful and looks nicely on a note to a friend, but to actually love the man who cheated on you and left you for another model, is much harder.  To care for a person who stole your life savings or raped your virginity right from you, that is a different story.  Its not as pretty in the fleshly, day-to-day life.  

A friend recently was sharing her heart with me about her own wrong.  She said she wanted God to take revenge on this person and she waited for that day.  My response?  When you finally get it, you won’t want it anymore.  Then I shared a story from my own life.  

About five years after my parents divorce, my mom rekindled the flame with a high school boyfriend.  The two were married and we relocated to a neighboring state to start our new life, but unfortunately this man wasn’t transparent about the state of his soul.  He had in fact lied to my mom about his spiritual connection with God.  He was not a Christian and he had grown up with some challenges that stayed with him through out his life.  He was an abusive alcoholic.  Our world changed and the years of abuse took a toll on my mom and my sister and I.  He and my mom divorced about five years later.  

The pain I carried led me to some really bad choices in the next few years.  I hit some hard times and while in college began to surrender the hurt God.  He worked in my heart and led me to a place where I could confront my former step father.  So I did.  Something happened - in our conversation, a piece of paper I wrote out ahead of time and read to him as we sat on his couch, I saw the pain he carried.  He was hurting.  It was as if God opened my heart and took my anger and replaced it with compassion.   I then told him he was forgiven.  I told him God loved him and he needed to turn to God.  His actions did not dictate his value and he needed to get right with God so that one day he could join his Savior in heaven.  

I left that day changed, but it wasn’t the end of the story.  Fast-forward to my 30’s.  This same man was dying of cancer.  I no longer lived close by and I was processing his pending death.  It hit me: I realized that the worst days of my life, were the best days of his.  I realized that he knew God because of his time with us.  In that moment, giving him that gift felt worth all the pain I had suffered.  I was no longer the hurting girl, but the woman God had brought me too.  I could have gotten revenge but instead I felt love and even better, compassion, in my heart to the hurting soul inside the man that was now going to meet his maker.  

If, and that is a BIG if, you are seeking God with your pain, then by the time you get your revenge you won’t want it.  Be assured, I am NOT a saint!  The story I just shared was all an act of God.  The best thing you can do is surrender your pain to God and trust him.  It won’t make sense in the midst of the pain.  Please notice my gracious epiphany came 25 plus years later. Distance allowed perspective.  

Now its your turn: What pain are you holding onto (maybe even collecting) that you need to surrender? Comment your thoughts below, I'd love to have you join the conversation.  

But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you!  Matthew 5:44 (New Living Translation) 

Benefit of Brokenness

Today, I was scrolling through Facebook and came across a post from a childhood friend.  Like me, she has been through her own trauma in life.  She now gives back to her community in her daily employment.  Reading her post about a new realization about herself as she researched how people process trauma in life, got me thinking as well.  

I will be the first to tell you.  I am a hot mess.  I am a sweet, loving woman with a big heart and a good head on her shoulders, but I also battle anxiety daily as a result of some of the experiences I have walked through.  I struggle with anger and yelling and keeping my cool in areas of personal and societal injustice.  i am at times overly empathetic and can face depression when I look too deep into the hearts of the hurting.  I am also resilient.  When I fall, I get back up and keep going.  

I have also come a long way.  I have never been one to shy away from personal betterment and have sought to face my inner turmoil instead of hide from it.  I believe in a big God and often invite him into my mess to help me overcome one more of my issues.  I’ve slowly learned to trust and jump into life in spite of the fear.  I have allowed my heart to heal from pain its felt along the path of life.  

Despite my imperfections, I am better because I was broken.  

Its like the bubble of a “good life” leaves this protective shell over us.  That shell keeps us safe but it also leaves us self-focused and generally unimpacted by what is happening around us.  

When I was broken, I was hurt.  With intentional focus, counseling, prayer, Bible study, support groups and a great community of friends and family, my broken places have been mended, but in the process my shell was shattered.  I am now gifted with an ability to empathize with people in the midst of hardship or their own pain.  I am able to walk with people in genuine relationship and offer real love to a world that needs it.  Jesus is my Savior and the ultimate example in love and sacrifice.  He has shown me how a walk through hell can bring a bit of heaven to others.  

Romans 5:8 - But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

There is always a flip side to every trial we face.  Often the benefits aren’t realized until we have some distance between us and the trial faced. It is too much to ask someone in the midst of a storm to see the rainbow.  In the midst of a storm you must stay safe and protected not look out at the rainbow coming.  

But if you, like me have walked through a few storms in life, and are now living outside of that past experience; it may be time to see just how special you are as a result of surviving.  You may need to face some pain and allow those wounds to heal, but once that has taken place - see how that trial has transformed you into a crucial solution to the agony people around you undergo.  

What has your broken bubble given you in a perspective that can touch someone else in a real way?  What is your next step?  Be intentional with your life, don’t just roam aimlessly with the remaining years you have on this earth.  

I would love to hear from you, what is next?  What unique perspective do you offer this world?  

Its worth it, I promise!

Youth Ministry Reflections

Today was my anniversary, but not the one with my husband.  Instead it was with my job, well really, my ministry.  I moved here 14 years ago to start as the youth pastor at First Christian Church in Visalia.  It was on the heels of a year-long ministry working with teens in a residential care facility.  

I never intended to spend my adulthood working with teenagers, but God had other plans.  The pre-teen and teen years was a very tumultuous period in my life.  In those years I walked through the pain of an abusive step-parent, sexual abuse, emotional pain and the faced the results of poor choices that my angry heart made.  As I walked into the college years and into adulthood I began to process the pain and seek the healing I needed to not only survive, but thrive.  

At the close of my college experience as I looked at the possibilities of what was next, God reminded me of a simple sentence I spoke to him during those tough years: 

“If I have to go through it, you better use it!”  

God answered, with a “I hope you meant that!”  That started my journey to Colorado to work with teens in the midst of turmoil.  It softened my heart to that age where your life can go out of control as you transition from child to adult.  That is what led me to Visalia.  I honestly didn’t want to come.  I loved my life and support in Colorado and went to bed with every intention of turning down the job at First Christian.  

My wise mother told me, “Don’t give your answer until the morning; sleep on it first.”  Those were wise words and the morning light helped me see I was to go.  So I loaded up my 1988 Chevy Caprice Classic and caravanned to California through the winter mountains with my dad who had flown out to get me.  

I came with a thought that this would be a temporary station in life as I found my true path, but here I am in an industry that has faster turn over rates than flips of a pancake in any IHOP around the country, still going strong.  

Working with teens for over 15 years and 14 years in the same church and community has given me some great perspective on life and ministry.  Here are three perspectives that I’d love to share today: 

 Teenagers are WONDERFUL!  - Teens often get a bad wrap as the rough life-stage to work with and yet I have grown to love this stage.  Teenagers are wonderful people who add color and humor to life.  They hold beautiful ideas of the world and their future and share some great insight if you listen.

Relationships Last A Lifetime - Doing this for so long has allowed me to get to know girls and walk with them into womanhood.  Its given me the ability to get to know adolescent boys with their pranks and antics then get to see them chose a wife and have children as honorable men.  I love that still being here provides stability for some when life gives them questions and they know they can come to me in the years into their 20’s and beyond.  

Community Morphs More Than It Changes - Tonight I was speaking with a current fellow youth pastor who moved here from another state for the job but as we spoke, several of the staff at their church used to be teens I worked with years ago and other pastors were once youth pastors like me.  As I look at the Christian community it is full of new faces, but it is also full of faces that are still there working hard in new churches or positions.  There is something beautiful about that fact.  It speaks highly of this community that even in the changes in life, people still want to be here.  I love that story, that is often not told and I have the longevity to tell it.  

It is wonderful to have these opportunities to reflect and celebrate the days, years and lessons along the way.  Thank you for sharing in this with me and it leads me to ask you, “what does your life perspective teaching you?”