Mindset Matters

You can thank Dr. Caroline Leaf for our theme this month, because I've been reading her book and watching videos of her talks and I felt inspired to focus this month on Mindset.  Our mindset in life is so important. The mind is where life starts, yet so often we trip mindlessly through life, unaware of what we are thinking.

The New Kings James version of Psalm 23:7 says, "For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he." Other versions say a man thinks first the cost.  Regardless of the version, the focus in on our thoughts.  What we do and say comes from what we think.

2 Corinthians 10:5 (NIV) tells us, "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."

Bad thoughts lead to self-doubt, depression, anxiety (and the list goes on).  Letting them run free can lead us down a bad path.  Thoughts are important!  If I didn't already know that in life, Dr. Caroline Leaf has hit that point home with true precision backed by her work in the field of cognitive neurology.

So here it is, here is what I've learned from her.  If you want things to change in your life, you start with your thoughts and it takes 3, 21 day cycles of intentional thought (7-16 minutes a day) to create a thought strong enough to make its way into our conscious mind and life.  It is work!  But its worth it!!!!! 

I asked God, what thought I should first work on.  I suspected it would be my anger.  I am over losing my temper, but I was wrong.  God told me it was my motherhood that needs to be addressed first.  That's ironic for May and Mother's Day, right?! As I thought about it I realized, how off track I was.  I get annoyed at my kids when they disrupt what I am doing.  I get agitated when they aren't moving as quickly as I need them to be when we have to get going.  Those things are understandable because well motherhood is hard, and trust me, I have NO JUDGEMENT for all you moms out there.  I get it! I just realized I was looking at it wrong.  

A month ago I was sitting in an ER with my baby on tubes worried I was going to lose my little girl, if that isn't a wake up call, I'm not sure what is.  These kids in my home are a gift, and unless we are talking about my 33 year old, special needs step daughter, who gets older but lives the same life every day and every year, my kids will grow up quickly and be gone before I know it.  Eighteen years in the scheme of life are quick. I will spend more time at home without kids than I will with kids.  They spend more time out of my home than in it, and I want to maximize those years.  

I can't live in some perfectionistic mindset with my kids because I have and will screw up when it comes to being a mom, but I can cherish the moments I have with them, and that is my focus in this process.  

Proverbs 27:17 says, "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." We help each other in our encounters with one another to become better people.  We can learn to be more Christ like when we are challenged by human interaction.  That was quite the lesson when I said, "I do," thirteen years ago.  Marriage is the perfect place to understand this verse because becoming better is painful as you work in relationships, especially when you have cemented your life to another flawed human.  

Well, parenting is just another step in the process.  I want to be the best version of me possible.  I want to allow God to refine my places of pride and selfishness.  I get to practice putting someone else needs above my own.  

At the end of the day, I can get frustrated that my kids are interrupting that tv show I want to watch or  I can cherish the moment to be with them.  I understand things need to get done and we can't spend every waking hour playing with the kids, but I admit there are lots of moments when selfish me just doesn't want to do the mom stuff, I just want to be left alone. In those moments, I realize I need a mental shift. 

So here I am day 7 into my first round of 21 days, with a few months to go in replacing thoughts.  

Then I will figure out the next thought pattern I need to change and work on that for 63 days.  

Too many of us are guilty of sharing a daily encouragement with a friend or even ourselves and thinking it will inspire change, but don't be fooled, its not that simple. If it were, no one would have any issues in life.  It takes daily attention for 63 days, according to Dr. Caroline Leaf.  Let give our thoughts the respect, time and attention they need! 

What thoughts do you need to change?  Ask God to reveal your first thought.  Check out this video series if you want to learn more. (Note: I just linked video 1, but there are 3 others that you can watch after it.) Check back in next week for more on mindset!!! 

What Do You See?

This week I got back from a week in Arizona.  My friend and I went on a road trip for our 40th! I forgot how much I loved road trips.

As a kid, I did several with my dad and stepmom.  Military life means moving and it also means being in new, unexplored areas.  Road trips are a great way to experience different cultures see the beauty around us.  Let me say, this trip let me meet people from around the world as well as see some amazing sights! I loved having planned parts of our journey and spontaneous moments that let the road take us on a beckoning adventure.

I also had a lot of time to think, particularly about seasons.  I don't mean fall, spring, winter, summer, but instead life seasons.

I commented to my friend as we started our journey that I didn't take full advantage of the freedom I had before husband and kids.  I just didn't realize how remarkable the freedom to make decisions and be spontaneous really was when I was in my early twenties. I had a lot of fun adventures, so I don't feel I wasted that time, but I just didn't appreciate it to the fullest.

Far too often we set our focus on what we don't have, not on what we have.  In those years, I was desiring a husband and family and the uncertainty of that reality felt daunting and often distracted me from the life before me.  In contrast its easy now to see what I had then as I live life with my family.  I miss my ability to think most days and have freedom to just be, but truthfully I am sure one day I would trade my quiet thoughtfulness for the noise of my children.  Again, its easy to get caught up in what's missing.

Recognizing the value of your current season allows you to be present in life.  As my grandma Pat often said, "You can do it all, just not at the same time."  Living in the now is the best way to get all of the blessing out of life.  Now, I love the connection I share with those who live in my home.  I love seeing the joy of life through the eyes of my kids in places that have become everyday for me.  I love hearing my kids giggle and seeing them just be kids.  I love being a mom! Sure I get overwhelmed or frustrated when I'm being disobeyed, and its easy to desire the freedom that was before they were.  If I focus on what I don't have now, I will miss out on my motherhood that I can never get back.  I can also miss out on the friendship with my husband and the way we co-parent our children.

Having a vacation with my friend was an amazing blessing and break from the norm and it allowed me to remember parts of myself that have been dormant.  It also helped me to feel appreciative for my current life season.  Tomorrow it will no longer be an option, so I best enjoy today to the fullest.

What is your reality?

Are you looking at what's missing or what is there?

There are obviously things we can't control.  Sure, you see your friends with jobs able to spend more on stuff for themselves, but they miss out on the classroom time you have.  Sure, single parenthood is a challenge but maybe you get more time to yourself or alone time with your kids.  I'm not saying ignore the negatives in life and just plaster a Pollyanna face on throughout the day to day, but embrace the beauty of whatever your life is TODAY.  Tomorrow will come soon enough and moving forward is the only direction we can truly go, so if we disengage from today, we will lose it forever!

Take some time to think about what you have now?  How can you appreciate it more than you currently do?  Happy contemplating!

One Thing We All Need And Two Ways To Get It!

September of last year, Marie Claire published an article sharing the stories of women who regret having children.

For Every Mom, an online Christian mom's magazine, recently posted a response to a similar article in The New York Post.

After reading all three articles, I needed a moment to take it all in.  Motherhood is hard, but hearing someone say they regret their motherhood in the face of their beautiful children just broke my heart.  It hurts me to hear those words come as truth from someone's heart and it hurts me to think of the child who might one day read their mother's regret of their very life.

As I took it all in, I realized this sentiment highlights a real problem in our world today. Take a moment and picture life in the 1800's.  Can you see the Pre-Industrial America fully-equipped with covered wagons - something straight from a scene of Little House of the Prairie? People were tired from hard work, yet rested without incessant distractions.  Villages and towns rallied as a family and supported each other.  People weren't abandoned and left to their own devices.  While I am glad to live with the modern conveniences of the 21st Century, there is one thing they had gobs of that we are in deep need of - community.

As I take an honest look at the stories in the articles linked above, I see a variety of individual issues, and yet I see this common thread.  Sure there are some exceptions to this rule, as each of us have varied personalities and life experiences, but in truth, motherhood is a lonely existence and community is crucial for survival.    I wouldn't trade being a mom for anything else in this world, but lonely, frazzled, frustrated, depressed are all adjectives I have felt along this journey of early motherhood.  As a people-person who loves to be out and about, early-motherhood is a struggle because its so isolating.

There is a solution.  The following two things can help us to take back our motherhood and find joy in this stage of life.  

1.  Choose Another Vantage Point 

How we see something largely affects how it impacts our life.  Reality is always a good place to start. If you are a mom, you can't look at the "what if's" because they are no longer an option.  There is a huge responsibility in raising a child.   We have the unique job to shape the live of another human!  How amazing is that?!  Yes, it can be a daunting task but it is a task of upmost importance and shouldn't be taken for granted.  Also, our kids won't be little forever and they will become our friends in adulthood and even possibly our caretakers later in life.  Its time to see another side to motherhood and life in this particular season.

2.  Build Your Own Community

In high school and college, it was easy to integrate myself into a group of friends, but since those years the places to find friends aren't so readily available.  I have to be intentional to create my own community.  I have to keep up with people, do things for others and make time in the calendar to put in the time to create and maintain my community.  I have to put myself out there and risk rejection because the reward of having a support network is worth the risk.  So where do you find a mom community?  I have found moms on Facebook groups, theatre rehearsals, the playground, the gym, and even the grocery store.  

I met a mom a few years back that invited me to her prayer group.  It was amazing.  In the yard since it has fizzled out, and this past year I realized just how monumental that group was for me, so I decided to start my own. What do you need?  If you don't like play dates, find a mom that will swap with you - you take her kid so she can have some alone time, then she will take yours.  You can have your girl time and enjoy some of the perks from your old life now, with a little creative community building.

At the end of the day you've got this, but you can't do it alone so if you are trying to do so, than its time to make a few changes.  If you have it all, than maybe its time to find someone who needs you in their community.  We are all in this thing called "life" together!

I Became A Mother 14 Years Before I Had My Son...

I become a mother 14 years before I had my son.  That may sound strange, but my definition of mom has been altered a bit through the life that I have led.  

In the summer of 1997 after graduating from high school, I travelled from Heidelberg, Germany to Springfield, Ohio and discovered, I was pregnant.  I was 18 years old and preparing to leave for college in just a few shorts months.  In contrast to my believe system, I had an abortion.  Despite only being 6 - 8 weeks along, I knew that my baby was a boy named Tyler.  It was a decision I regretted afterwards and had to walk a rough road just to live with that choice.  Tyler is my first child.  He always will be.   

My next child came 5 years later.  This time it wasn’t a baby and wasn’t from my body.  I was working at a group home for troubled teens. I was assigned 3 girls in my time there.  I still remember facing a hard time with one in particular and talking with her mom on the phone.  Her mom was comforting me as I walked a very difficult time with her.  Those girls were all mine and even though they have grown up and are now moms themselves, I will always think of them as my kids.  I was with them everyday through the hard parts of life for a year.  A year that branded me my heart in a way that will make those bonds reach beyond what an average year will do. 

My next children became mine in 2005.  I was 27 years old marrying a man 16 years my senior.  He brought into our lives his two beautiful girls - 14 and 18 at the time.  Even though I was closer in age with them than my husband.  I mothered them day in and day out.  The oldest, who is special needs, at 31 still lives with us.  She calls me mommy and is able to love all in her live.  

My husband and I tried for 5 years to have a baby.  We finally got pregnant and I was over the moon!  But Danielle was drawn to her brother, Tyler, and I miscarried one night at home.  It was a painful night both physically and emotionally.  I still have a photo of the toilet after miscarrying her.  It might sound gross, but its a bit of my goodbye, and closure with my baby girl who I never got to meet.  

In 2011 I had Caleb.  I still remember standing in a Hobby Lobby seeing a yellow cross that read, “For This Child I Prayed,“ and sobbing.  I was so scared he would follow Danielle’s lead, but he didn’t!  Even though I had considered myself a mom for years, this was the first time the world acknowledged me.  My journey led me to Caleb.  I couldn’t love someone more if I tried.  

You see, loving Caleb was easy it just happened inexplicably.  With my other children, especially my step daughters, my love was a choice.  It was a stronger and better choice than my first choice in 1997.  It was a daily choice to love despite the fact that I didn’t get to watch them grow from infancy or have them move in my belly.    That was an amazing love to know and to keep knowing.  

I thought that was the end of my motherhood.  But God surprised me just under three years ago with the news that I was pregnant.  This time with a girl and that girl just turned 2 last week.  Truth: I cried when I found out she was a girl.  I wanted another boy and was scared to be a mom of a girl.  I realized I had some baggage to sort with that fear, but her being a girl was the best thing EVER! 

I know there will be no more babies coming from my body, but if life has taught me something its that my journey of motherhood isn’t close to being over.  I have years with my babies, but I also don’t know what God may bring along my path in the future.  The children I love come in all forms.  I am better for each of my kids listed above and for each of the teenagers that has crossed my path in ministry over the past 15 years.  

The truth is when I look back over life, I too have parents that never birthed me - people that loved me like my own parents did and made a huge impact in my life.  There is some sorrow on my mom journey and I can tell you I would much rather have my two heaven babies on earth, but I am still their mom.  I can’t wait to wrap my arms around them one day.  Until then I continue to look ahead and live for today, remembering the journey and grateful for what I have gleaned along the way.  

When did you become a mom? Or a dad (for all the men reading this)?  Have you ever looked outside the traditional definition and seen the impact others have made on you and you on them along the way?  May you reflect and embrace all those on your path who mothered you and you them!  

Baby, Maybe?

Today, I have two beautiful babies, but for five years I was unsure I'd ever get to this place. Since this is "National Infertility Awareness Week," I thought I'd share my story.  

My husband and I married ten years ago and I had an instant family with his two girls. I love my role as stepmom, but felt like an outsider looking in at times as my husband and his girls had traditions and memories that didn't include me.  I was coming in late in the game and didn't know what my stepdaughters had been like as babies.  I missed out on the process and it was a challenging reality.  I hoped adding our kids to the mix would give us a better sense of family. I've dreamed of having kids since girlhood, and I was devastated when we weren't getting pregnant.

People tell you if you, "relax and don't think about it, you will get pregnant." 

First of all, that's just not true! Yes, stress can be a negative factor in conceiving and there are things you can try to help your chances (and I did most of them), but it isn't simple enough to just say, "relax." There are a lot of factors as to why someone isn't getting pregnant and pinpointing one element as the easy fix isn't fair or accurate.

Second, "just relax" is impossible! Each month you get this reminder that there is no baby when you get your period. Periods aren't fun to begin with, but when it mocks you in your desire to have children, it's even less fun!

I'm a Christian, raised in church and Christian school and I know the passages in the Bible that speak of children being a blessing and it was a blessing I deeply desired.  I struggled with how God could keep me barren and what that meant about me and my value to him. I began to feel less of a woman because I didn't have my own kids. 

The reality was, I may never have a child of my own. That gut wrenching truth plagued me and forced me to face my God to get answers. Instead of asking,"Will I have a baby?" I went to God wanting to know, "who am I if I never do?"

When life turns upside down, the best course of action isn't to run from God or lean in, in hopes of getting what you want, but instead lean in to discover Him in a new way.  Trust me when I say this is easier said than done, but it's what we were created for, a relationship with our Creator! 

I cried out to God and bawled my eyes out and finally came to a place where I accepted that I may never be called "mom" from my own flesh and blood. I was able to meet God there and tell him, I would trust him, follow him and love him, even if I never had a baby (usually said in tears).  This was an amazing crossroads, not because I could now get the magic key to have a baby but because I saw God beyond a baby. I trusted God to fulfill my purpose, even if that meant biological motherlessness. 

My day did come. I was elated when I found out I was having a baby, I called everyone I knew before the pee on the stick could dry.  I posted on Facebook and shouted from every mountain that I was having a baby. I started my doctor visits and readied for my new reality. 

Then one day, the doctor had a concern about the heart beat and ordered another ultrasound. I went in to discover the baby wasn't going to make it and I was going to have a miscarriage. That night I woke up in excruciating pain and after several hours of contractions, I miscarried my baby. 

The horror of having to wait years again and losing this baby, whom I already loved, seemed unbearable! Suddenly, as if on cue, everyone I knew seemed to be getting pregnant and it was hard not to be jealous of the babies they had in their bellies. I wasn't sure I could go on, but I chose to praise God for being all-knowing and all-powerful and all-loving in the midst of my deepened pain. I again told him, I trusted.

Six months later, I was pregnant again.  This time I waited to tell people to make sure I would sustain this baby.  I was nervous the whole time waiting, hoping this time would be different. Then four months early I ended up in the hospital with early contractions nervous of what would happen.  They were able to give me a shot and help me make it until delivery day.  Four years later without any plans to have another, we were blessed with a second baby! 

Hindsight truly is amazing because now I look back and am grateful that I was able to give my attention to my stepdaughters and now, that they are grown, can give attention to my little ones as they need it. I don't think I would have been capable of that juggle and I see God had a plan.

 I know not every story ends like mine. Some who seek motherhood, never find it, at least not in the traditional sense. But God wasn't silent on this matter.  Many nights I was comforted by scriptures like Isaiah 54:1 that reminded me how many children I've mothered who never came from my womb but needed me all the same and I consider that role a great honor. 

““Sing, barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband,” says the Lord.”

Isaiah 54:1 NIV

My heart will always grieve with the woman who longs for a baby, maybe even going to great financial lengths only to find themselves without that desire met. There are no words to ease your pain, but I wish a life of joy for you in your journey, may your life birth a purpose that encourages you through the heartache. For truth is despite the pain, your value is not based on the number of children you have. You are a beauty of great worth on your own. 

Motherhood: A Message Amongst the Chaos

Today was a great day, you know why? Today, I only had to wear the "Mommy" hat! The work hats and the juggle I normally face weren't an issue.  I wasn't racing around with errands either.  I was able to focus on my kids! 

My son responded well to the multi-hat absence, and I was able to ask him for cooperation without a panicked "I've got a million things to do so get with the program" voice that usually flies from my mouth.  I calmly interacted with my son.  I encouraged him to help me with household chores and to treat his sister kindly and when he first disobeyed he got a response not a reaction, which only made things better!  

I've been a mom long enough to know that doesn't always work out.  Some days even with just one hat and well tempered responses you still get a defiant grumpy gus.  

I also know on days where my list is a mile long, all that has to be accomplished wrecks my motherhood which dominoes into a self-loathing pity party ending in a guilt trip and complete devaluing of my abilities as a mom.  

It's nice to look back on history where moms were just moms, but for many today that look back does nothing but cause discontentment and resentment to reality.  

I have to work.  

We weren't created to do it all, but sometimes we have to do more than God intended when He created the world. I try to work from home some days so my kids still get me but that also creates some serious chaos.  I chose this particular mix of work and home life so I wouldn't miss out on these precious years.  These days go quickly! 

I realize I have to: 

1. Make the most of each day

2. Give myself a pass now and then

3. Let stuff go sometimes - Supermom does not exist! 

4.  Understand I'm doing more than God ever intended, it's not best case scenario, but it will all be ok if I persevere. 

I am a GOOD Mommy!  I don't always have good days, but my kids were given to me with purpose and they need me.  They will survive my "moments." 

On days when I start believing anything else I need to remember the truth in the sentences above.  

Today, maybe you need to give yourself a break.  Embrace the truth that you're a good mom! Sometimes it's not you that needs to change as much as the amount on my plate! Take off what you can and give the rest to God!! You've got this!!

Adventures in Mothering - Dropping the Ball, or in my Case, the Baby

I had a heart wrenching moment just a week ago. Its taken me this long to write it down because I've been in shock. A week ago I was walking in the house with baby in car seat. I had undone the belt and was walking across the kitchen, when a little rock happened with the car seat just as Caleb jerked, and you guessed it, Caleb came tumbling out - Ahhh!!! My heart fell out of my chest and grabbed for my now crying child. I pulled him to me and ran to the chair to nurse him and hopefully bring comfort. I called the doctor to be sure he was okay, and of course he was. He did have a mark on his cheek for a few days, but the mark in my heart was much worse. I know with kids, especially boys, wounds will be inevitable, but the first time for me was traumatic. A song comes to mind - "The first cut is the deepest, baby I know..." - Cat Stevens and Sheryl Crow would be so proud.

We will be okay and hopefully it will be a long time before he incurs any other injuries, like 18 years, and hopefully it won't be because of me. A mom can dream!