The Last 10 Years

I don’t know about you, but I love the Holderness family. Their videos are so funny and right on point with life.  Their humor gives me the laugh I need as a pick me up for my day.

Their video released just before Christmas (which I can't find now, so if you find it, let me know) was about the ten year review from 2010 to 2020. As I watched their video I began to cry not just because of the progression of their family but because when I thought about what that 10 years meant for me I realized how much reality had changed, transformed really.

January 2010 I was a woman living a reality different than where I stand today.  Kevin and I got married in 2005 and I stepped right into the step-mom role.  I love those bonus daughters of mine (though it wasn't even close to easy in those first few years), but I desperately wanted my own kids.  We tried but I was the woman who had been waiting 5 years to have a baby. I had been calling out to God wondering if I would ever have children on my own.  It was a dream I had no control over and was left with a decision to trust God and promise to love him even if I never had children of my own.

But here I stand 10 years out with two beautiful babies of my own. My son is almost 9 and my daughter is almost 5 and I couldn’t be happier with the role of mom, and having gone through such a hard time and having the children in the first place makes motherhood all the more precious.  I see the hand of God not only in the timing, but in how he has changed my heart in the motherhood process.  I can tell you while life isn't always perfect, I am truly happy! I have joy with my family in the midst of bad days and that joy prevails because it comes in contentment and gratitude to God.

Life is funny, we hit hard times and we move past them.  We are changed for going through them, but when you look back on life, sometimes you can begin to ask yourself, "Did that even happen?"  Of course it did, but the events of my life seem like these stories that are part of me and some are horrors and some utter delights and yet they aren't my reality, today.  Sometimes I feel like I've already lived several lives.

I can’t even imagine what the next ten years will hold, except in 10 years from now I will be the mother of a high school senior and an eighth grader and that is completely crazy to me. I’ll also be 51 so let’s not talk about that!

Let's end by talking about you, not me.  Where are you?  Have you come out of something horrible or are you in the midst of something you'd rather be done with?  Remember time is slow in the moments but fast in the years.  How can you bring more joy into the next 10 years?  Surrender what you can't control and be proactive where you do have choices.  Don't let life pass you by.

This year I want to be more proactive in writing my story and publishing a book (a first of many, if you know me, you know I have all the words).  What about you?  Tell me.  Tell me your journey, tell me your goals, I'm listening!  Also, Happy New Year!!!

The Empty Swing

When I saw this photo on unsplash.com, I was filled with a surge of emotion that is inexplicable.  It took my heart to a topic that has found residence in me over the past few years.

Truth be told, until the day I birthed a child, I could have died any day and been fine with it.  I wasn’t suicidal or reckless, but I felt no inhibitions to chase after life.  While I do struggle with anxiety, I had a solid spiritual confidence with no fear of the end of life, and I was ready to meet my Savior if that time ever came.  I still hold that confidence, but when my son was born, I instantaneously felt a tether to this world like never before. 

 I love my step daughters but coming into their lives later in the game, and having been raised by their dad, I didn’t really feel they needed me, at least not like the helpless baby I held in my hands for the first time on January 26, 2011 at 9:02am.  It was a reason to live like nothing I had ever felt.  

Now, after birthing two kids, that calling to be here on earth, to walk the journey with them, is stronger than I have ever felt or imagined.  I am well aware I do not get a choice in the number of days I spend on earth.  That is a God decision and I must trust him no matter what.  But those are weighty words. Its one thing to say them (or write them as the case may be) and another to walk them.  The other side of this coin is the thought of losing one of my children.    

I’ve never held my own child, then felt the loss of that life.  I have experienced loss, in abortion, years of infertility and miscarriage.  Those loses were real and I still walk out some of the grieve of those occurrences today, but I cannot fathom the loss of a child who I have held and raised.  To know someone by name and to watch their personality dance before you each day, then be without them anymore, is something that hurts me in an empathetic place beyond explanation.  As a woman in ministry, I have walked with people who have had to live this tragedy in real life.

It is this emotion that fills my heart when I look at the empty swing.  I see what should have been, what was and is no more.  I see loss and grief staring at me through the absence of a child on the swing. It reminds me to pray for those who have experienced this pain.  It reminds me to treasure what I do have and to see the beauty in each day, even when marriage and motherhood seem tiring and mundane.  We only get one shot at this life and we must cherish it.  We never know what tomorrow holds, we are only given today. '

As I end this post, I wish to write some names that I remember, names of children who left us too early.

I remember...

Jaxson
Justin
David
Sydney
Lauren
Daniel
Tyler
Danielle
Tanner


"Lord, teach us to laugh, but don't let us forget we cried." - Bill Wilson

Baby, Maybe?

Today, I have two beautiful babies, but for five years I was unsure I'd ever get to this place. Since this is "National Infertility Awareness Week," I thought I'd share my story.  

My husband and I married ten years ago and I had an instant family with his two girls. I love my role as stepmom, but felt like an outsider looking in at times as my husband and his girls had traditions and memories that didn't include me.  I was coming in late in the game and didn't know what my stepdaughters had been like as babies.  I missed out on the process and it was a challenging reality.  I hoped adding our kids to the mix would give us a better sense of family. I've dreamed of having kids since girlhood, and I was devastated when we weren't getting pregnant.

People tell you if you, "relax and don't think about it, you will get pregnant." 

First of all, that's just not true! Yes, stress can be a negative factor in conceiving and there are things you can try to help your chances (and I did most of them), but it isn't simple enough to just say, "relax." There are a lot of factors as to why someone isn't getting pregnant and pinpointing one element as the easy fix isn't fair or accurate.

Second, "just relax" is impossible! Each month you get this reminder that there is no baby when you get your period. Periods aren't fun to begin with, but when it mocks you in your desire to have children, it's even less fun!

I'm a Christian, raised in church and Christian school and I know the passages in the Bible that speak of children being a blessing and it was a blessing I deeply desired.  I struggled with how God could keep me barren and what that meant about me and my value to him. I began to feel less of a woman because I didn't have my own kids. 

The reality was, I may never have a child of my own. That gut wrenching truth plagued me and forced me to face my God to get answers. Instead of asking,"Will I have a baby?" I went to God wanting to know, "who am I if I never do?"

When life turns upside down, the best course of action isn't to run from God or lean in, in hopes of getting what you want, but instead lean in to discover Him in a new way.  Trust me when I say this is easier said than done, but it's what we were created for, a relationship with our Creator! 

I cried out to God and bawled my eyes out and finally came to a place where I accepted that I may never be called "mom" from my own flesh and blood. I was able to meet God there and tell him, I would trust him, follow him and love him, even if I never had a baby (usually said in tears).  This was an amazing crossroads, not because I could now get the magic key to have a baby but because I saw God beyond a baby. I trusted God to fulfill my purpose, even if that meant biological motherlessness. 

My day did come. I was elated when I found out I was having a baby, I called everyone I knew before the pee on the stick could dry.  I posted on Facebook and shouted from every mountain that I was having a baby. I started my doctor visits and readied for my new reality. 

Then one day, the doctor had a concern about the heart beat and ordered another ultrasound. I went in to discover the baby wasn't going to make it and I was going to have a miscarriage. That night I woke up in excruciating pain and after several hours of contractions, I miscarried my baby. 

The horror of having to wait years again and losing this baby, whom I already loved, seemed unbearable! Suddenly, as if on cue, everyone I knew seemed to be getting pregnant and it was hard not to be jealous of the babies they had in their bellies. I wasn't sure I could go on, but I chose to praise God for being all-knowing and all-powerful and all-loving in the midst of my deepened pain. I again told him, I trusted.

Six months later, I was pregnant again.  This time I waited to tell people to make sure I would sustain this baby.  I was nervous the whole time waiting, hoping this time would be different. Then four months early I ended up in the hospital with early contractions nervous of what would happen.  They were able to give me a shot and help me make it until delivery day.  Four years later without any plans to have another, we were blessed with a second baby! 

Hindsight truly is amazing because now I look back and am grateful that I was able to give my attention to my stepdaughters and now, that they are grown, can give attention to my little ones as they need it. I don't think I would have been capable of that juggle and I see God had a plan.

 I know not every story ends like mine. Some who seek motherhood, never find it, at least not in the traditional sense. But God wasn't silent on this matter.  Many nights I was comforted by scriptures like Isaiah 54:1 that reminded me how many children I've mothered who never came from my womb but needed me all the same and I consider that role a great honor. 

““Sing, barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband,” says the Lord.”

Isaiah 54:1 NIV

My heart will always grieve with the woman who longs for a baby, maybe even going to great financial lengths only to find themselves without that desire met. There are no words to ease your pain, but I wish a life of joy for you in your journey, may your life birth a purpose that encourages you through the heartache. For truth is despite the pain, your value is not based on the number of children you have. You are a beauty of great worth on your own. 

Miracle Life - The Hope of Things Come - Remembered!

In March of 2009, a church friend, Elaine, and I set out on a trip to Thailand. It was her first and my third trip, so it was not an unfamiliar expedition for me. We did go to a city on the Thailand/Myanmar boarder and visit a refugee camp that was an amazing story, but for another day. After that adventure we headed back to the villages I had been before and come to love. I was talking to Siami, the Musekee village director and amazing woman. She asked me about children as my husband and I had been married for 4 years. I told her we had tried to get pregnant but had no success. The next day she told me about a woman we needed to go visit in the village. She explained about this thing called a womb massage. She said other women in the village who had not been able to get pregnant, who had womb massage, ended up getting pregnant. I thought I would give it a try. So I went to her house and lay on the bamboo floor. She started the massage and it wasn't relaxing like the massage you get in any day spa, but instead was very uncomfortable and even painful at times. When she finished she explained through a translator that my womb was twisted and off to one side. She pushed it back into place and told me not to ride in a car over bumps or anything else that could move it for a couple of days so it had an opportunity to heal and stay in place and not just get pushed back into the old spot.

Now some of you might be reading this and thinking, she's crazy, this sounds like some sort of wacko idea that's too far fetched to be anything. I did look it up when I returned to the states and found it had Mayan roots. I prayed over it and asked God to use this woman to help me conceive. Several months after returning, I found out I was pregnant!!!! It seemed this unconventional idea in fact helped. Unfortunately, that pregnancy ended in miscarriage. But mid 2010, I got pregnant again and now have my precious and precocious 3-year old son.

I often think about that woman and have wanted to express my gratitude. I have given her money from time to time and feel a connection with her, though honestly, I couldn't even tell you her name. Recently, my dad and step mom left to go to Thailand and Indonesia. I asked them when they got to Musekee to find the woman and give her some money from me and show her pictures of my boy. I woke up this morning to find Kay and my stepmom, Beth, had gone to see her and Beth sent these gems in my email. I was so touched I started to cry. The picture of her house brings me back to the moment, that moment when I needed something to give me hope that I might have a baby. What a miracle my little guy is to me. I'd love another, but pictures like this remind me, I asked God for one and he gave me a wonderful one and I am forever grateful!