The Deception of Suicide

A couple of years ago, I wrote on the topic of suicide in the wake of Robin Williams' tragic death.  Every time I hear someone else has lost the battle with suicide, it breaks my heart.  Beyond the obvious reasons, it breaks my heart because I have contemplated suicide and I know that struggle.

 I fight thoughts that this world would be better off without me.  Please know, I know that simply isn't true.  That thought is a lie, but its one I grapple with in life.  I see my glaring flaws and think, "I'm ruining my kids, they would be better off without the damage I inflict on them."  I begin to think my absence wouldn't be noticed in our world.  These lies run through my mind and I have to be proactive about replacing them with true statements.  I have to tell those voices to shut up and nurture voices that echo my value as a person, in spite of my flaws. 

We can't stop fighting.  We must reach for what is good.  The Bible says in Philippians 4:8

 "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."

I used to think that was only about moral good, like the stuff I watched on tv, but its also about fighting against the lies our enemy births and we tell ourselves.

This weekend I attended a conference, "The Gospel & Justice." Joshua Ryan Butler discussed many issues in our world that Christians need to get involved in, but as he shared he shared about our identity.  It sparked further thoughts of my own. 

God made us with purpose, he loves us and seeks to see us live in freedom.  God isn't the only one that has an identity to give us. Beyond the general mission of our enemy that the Bible tells us about in John 10:10, to steal, kill and destroy, Satan has crafted a unique lie and correlating identity for us.  We can choose to accept it and crumble beneath its burden, or instead we can choose to reject it and listen for what God says, and embrace the abundant life he offers.

Satan tells me I'm not good enough, and that I am not worth much.  Satan whispers in the face of rejection that something is wrong with me.  Crazy, damaged, broken are all identities the enemy has handed me. 

God tells me I am enough the way he made me, and lets me know I am worth more than precious gems.  He shows me that I am worthy, strong, loving and healed.  God lets me see the love he wants to share through me.  I am gifted in loving others and seeing their souls.  I am gifted in drawing out the heart and touching it with the love of Christ.

Suicide is a deception.  Its believing that our faults define us and that our worth is contingent upon shifting factors.  The deception of suicide goes beyond a lying identity to another lie - the lie that we are alone in our struggle.  We begin to believe if we share our inner abyss, we will be rejected which just leads to emotional isolation. 

If the body of Christ teaches us anything, its that we need each other.  Yes, we need companionship, but having people in your life, you can be transparent with, helps protect you from the lies.  The deception of suicide is more than just the "not good enough" its also a deception that no one will understand and you must carry the burden alone. 

To overcome we also must share the burden with people we trust so they can help point us to the truth.  We are loved!! 

My latest bout with self-worth doubt ended in a very interesting way.  Not only did I hear the voice of God and my own mantras but I heard the voices of those in my life.  I knew they would tell me my value in their lives.  It was the shortest lie moment I've had and I saw victory in it.  I'm sharing this with the world to let you know if this is a struggle for you, you aren't alone.  Find the truth of who God says you are and lean into it.  Be intentional in relationships and find someone(s) you can share your inner heart with - set yourself up for success!

Why Do You Believe?

 Because I have moved a ton in my life and traveled even more, my faith has never been defined by denomination (Baptist, Presbyterian, Methodist, etc.) - I was simply a Christian.  I chose my churches based on their views of the Bible and their practiced spiritual priorities.  

So in 2005, when the church I'd worked for, for 3 years, left the denomination because of the denomination's decision to change the definition of "salvation" and adopt a more universal approach to their faith, I didn't see a problem.  We had to stand by the definition of Christian, as outlined in the Bible.  I was flabbergasted by the encounters I had with others who felt more allegation to the denomination than to Christianity as a whole.  They had always been a part of the Disciples of Christ denomination and that identity was supreme to them.  

Even though that choice felt foreign to me, its not uncommon.   As I read through Nabeel Qureshi's book, "Seeking Allah, Finding Jesus," I become more aware of just how impossible walking away from ones' belief system can be.  Its like the childhood assumptions created a foundation that our very identity hinges on and challenging that threatens one's perceived identity.  But this isn't just about changing religions.  

When I arrived in Visalia, and began to study the Bible from the perspective of the Jewish faith and Middle Eastern culture (from where it was written), I was in awe of how I had let Western culture taint my understanding of what the Bible was actually saying.  I realized a faith I accepted at 4, had been built upon often by uneducated volunteers filling a spot in some Sunday school class and that I had believed things just simply because someone told me to, not because I had been shown it as truth. 
  
Believing something doesn't make it true.  

Its hard to see  truth when it stands in opposition to something you have believed as truth your whole life.  It begins to open Pandora's box of wondering what beliefs are open for questioning.   Here's the thing when it comes to my faith, I am committed to believing what the Bible actually says, not what I believed it said just because its tradition.   

Studying the Bible has proven to be an enemy making activity.  Why? The more I study it and take it for what it really says in context of culture and situations of that day, the more I find myself alienated from established Christian groups.  Within the Christian community it would seem, I am by all accounts too liberal for conservatives and too conservative for liberals.   But our beliefs shouldn't be a package deal - believing x means you also believe in y and z.  

What changed for me? 

Issues like women's role in ministry, what is hell, and understanding what specific scriptures were actually saying began to completely change as I examined the original language and context of the scriptures.  

Reading my Bible wasn't enough, I had to study it.  If I assert that I believe in the Bible as God's word - active and alive, then I must know exactly what that means in order to truly live up to my calling of sharing the good news!!! 

This challenge isn't to tell you if you disagree with me, you are wrong, rather, its to ask, why do you believe what you believe?  Do you believe in something because you studied it and believe its truth or do you believe it because that is what you were always told to believe? I want to believe truth even when it crumbles the traditions I've always held true.  

So I end with this question: Why Do You Believe What You Believe? 

Are You A Christian?

What would you say if I told you I was a doctor, but my only credit to this title was a one hour Nursing class in college that I deem the only qualification needed to practice medicine?

Anyone lining up to get a check up?

Probably not.

One class in my undergraduate studies does not a doctor make!

What is funny is that 70.5% of the American population considers themselves a Christian and yet only 11% of that group has read the Bible in its entirety, and only 9% having read it more than once.

True, you don't have to read the Bible to be a Christian.  Christianity is not earned, its willingly received.  That trips people up though because becoming a Christian isn't an item on a checklist but a new beginning.

Christianity is an understanding that we can't do life on our own.  The standard of perfection is not attainable for us humans and we need Jesus' gift of life because of his perfect life on earth and death on the cross and resurrection to be forgiven of all the wrongs we have done.

Christianity is surrender - surrender to Jesus and his ways.  This surrender is often counter to our culture but honestly, it's also counter to our human nature.  The Bible is, simply put, a letter.  Yes, its more than that - its history, its poetry, its prophecy but at its heart its a letter, a story given to his children (that's us).  Its God way of speaking to us.  Yes, it can be intimidating but its not impossible.  It starts with a step, followed by another step.  How can you know who God is, what God wants with us and from us if you don't read the Bible?

The beauty of Christianity and the Bible is balance, and when someone goes too far one direction they lose the beauty of it all.  The teeter totter holds truth on one side and grace on the other.  When you stand in the middle of the two, you have found the sweet spot.  Sustaining that takes daily connection with God.

Religion is common place, but the relational focus of Christianity is unparalleled.  We must enter into a relationship with our Savior and daily walk with him to find the road and stay on it.

Unfortunately, this is not happening and I can't imagine what that discord must look like to God.  We are all his children and we are fighting and killing each other.  We have abandoned the hallmark of who he is - love.  We have walked away from truth in search of popularity or happiness and yet we haven't found what we thought we would.  The label of Christian is doing more harm than good in some corners of this country, because like my doctor analogy, people are claiming a faith they have no knowledge of.

When I moved to Germany my junior year, the two years that followed weren't marked with the poor choices I made that led to two decisions of regret.  No, the big problem when I arrived was one sentence that broke me.  You see when I headed to Germany, I was walking away from some bad years that left hurt inside my soul.  Not dealing with the pain I'd experienced, left me open to bitterness and bad choices.

 I uttered to God, "I don't like what you have done with my life, and I am taking over."

I abandoned God.

That was what led me to a breaking point my Freshman year of college.  Sure my wrecked virginity and subsequent abortion contributed to that pain, but when I FINALLY cried out to God, do you know what I found? It wasn't condemnation or judgement.  I heard God say, "Carrie, I have been waiting.  Waiting for you to give all of that to me, so I could fill you with my best."  That day in the basement of my dorm hall, I wept and I gave God back what was always his - control of my life.  He is a gentleman so he never forced me to follow him, but he let me see what my control led to - a mess.

At almost 39, my life is not perfect.  I am still a mess, but God is directing my path and in him I am finding all the joy, comfort, direction I need.  No one has ever loved me like God, and when I trust him with my life and seek him daily in Bible reading and prayer, I find what I need for today!  He has my life in his hands, and I can trust He knows what He is doing!!!  That is a Christian.  Are you a Christian?

4 Things I Know...That I Don't Really Know

Sunday morning before heading to church, I got a call.  The news on the other end shocked me.  A woman at church, who I had just seen, had a heart attack and died the night before.  She wasn't young, but I still didn't see it coming.  She was making plans for upcoming events, trips with her husband, we had even just discussed food for a Christmas Event later this year.  The news of her death seemed surreal.  I can tell you, her death isn't the first one to take me off-guard either. 

Having this reaction got me thinking.  You see I know: 

1. Life is Short -

I know there is no guarantee for the days we are given. That is a truth I know, that I know, that I know and yet when the reality of this truth hits me in the face, I am reminded, I actually live life as if it will keep going as it always does, without recognizing we never know what is really around the corner.

As I contemplated the vast chasm between a fact I knew in my head and acted out in my life,  I wondered, what other truths do I know that apparently, I don't really know? 

Here are some others that came to mind:  

2.  Life Isn't Fair -

I know good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people.  I know just because I deserve something, it doesn't mean I will get it because life isn't fair and yet when I am faced with a situation that is definitely unfair, I am forced to reckon myself to a truth that I have suddenly forgotten. 

This reminder hits me once a week when I watch American Ninja Warrior with my son.  Here are competitors who train all year for this event, and yet, one slip of the foot on the first obstacle can take down even the most seasoned athlete.   

3.  I Have Absolutely No Control  -

Similar to the first two items, I often find myself in an anxious mess over hurdles in life because I have bought into the deceptive lie that by worrying, I can affect the outcome of anything in life. I have no control over a million things that can influence my life.

This truth seems to resonate pretty strongly through our country right now as people face evacuation from their homes in hurricanes and fires.  You drive away, after doing what you can to protect your home, without guarantee all will be well when you return.  One can't control a natural disaster or the obscene amount of traffic you encounter on your exit or reentry after the storm.  

Lack of control does not just touch us in disastrous circumstances; it also touches us in the every day world - rush hour traffic, repairman wait times, your toddler's behavior, a spouse walking out, your cable going out at the exact moment its supposed to tape your favorite show, losing a loved one to an accident or disease.  From momentous to the mundane, we have NO control over so many outside influences that affect our lives.  That can be a scary reality.  

4.  God is in Control -

Here's the great news I often (way too often) forget.  Not only is there a God in control, but he is a good God.  When life goes sideways and I experience one of the above, I can eventually find solace in this truth (you know, once I stop trying to be God in my own life).

Isaiah 55:8-9 reminds us that God sees and knows things we cannot comprehend.  He sees the full picture and regardless of what is happening in the moment - he's got it.  There are moments when this reality hits me like a two-by-four, as I find myself comparing reality with what I would do if I were God.

I don't see all He does so my decision will always be based on limited information.   I may one day understand why he did what he did in a particular situation but I also may never know this side of heaven. 

Truthfully, this list could continue on indefinitely, because as human beings, I find putting beliefs into practice can be easier said than done.  I just hope as you read this list, you will examine your own belief gaps and seek the truth you need to narrow that gap - if even just a bit. 

Find encouragement today in whatever mess you find yourself in, because you are not alone.  The rest of us humans are floundering too, like fish out of water.  We don't have to have it all together or be the best, we just have to continue to seek God and live a life that takes the best out of each moment.  There are no guarantees and just because we fail to recognize truth, doesn't change it from being true.  Happy Wednesday! 

The Person Most Often Ignored

My mom and live on opposite sides of the country.  Because of that we don't get to frequent the same events.  I was recently blessed, compliments of the internet, to listen to my mom's closing testimony at a local women's conference. 

As I listened, I was proud of her for sharing her story and being vulnerable for the benefit of whomever was listening.  Beyond that feeling, I was also impacted by one of the main points that she made. 

She described two women. 

One woman was given all the advantages in life.  She was gifted intellectually and well liked by her peers, she was in total - remarkable.

The second woman was just the opposite.  She had gone through our system because of family issues, had been misused by people all along her life and had made mistakes with lasting consequences. 

As she closed the talk, she acknowledged that she was in fact, both women. 

I am extremely hard on myself.  If someone is upset with me over an offense I've committed, chances are I've already given myself a mental flogging over it.  Sure, I make mistakes but if anyone was as hard on me as I am on myself, they would not be allowed in my life, so its high time I give myself some grace. 

The reality check of my mom's comparison of the two women, has been a HUGE encouragement to me over the past week.  Some of my greatest weaknesses and "issues" have reared their ugly head in my life and caused me to experience a lot of guilt over my inability to stop doing things that I hate.  It is easy to begin to beat myself up and allow myself to drown in a sea of self-doubt and self-deprecation.  The bad in me blinds me from seeing the good. 

However, understanding that two people live in me simultaneously, grants me the grace I need to stay out of the devaluing pool.  Sweet and loving Carrie is still there, even if I don't acknowledge her.  If I just look into the flaw mirror, I can forget the wonder in which God placed in me.  Those beautiful places are still there in the midst of the pain and challenges of life. 

I don't think its just my mom and I that live with this reality.  I choose to share my struggles so that all who read will be encouraged. You are not alone. 

What beauty do you block out when you are operating in your negative zone?  Sure, we keep working on ourselves and allow God to make us more like him, and I am in no way excusing bad behavior or habits. 

That is not the same thing as what I am addressing in this post.  We are all human and by design will make mistakes (remember that is why we needed a Savior in the first place)! Those mistakes are not the only thing that should be used to define us, and yet it often is. 

God walks with us daily if we let him and we may even take steps in the right direction every day.  The journey is birth to death and God has grace for that journey.  We need to see it too! 

May this simple thought bless you today. 

  

Spirtual Life - Fear verses Faith

This past weekend, I was at Hartland Christian Camp doing a workshop for their women's conference. I was excited for a great conference and weekend but also a little anxious about being away from my son for 2 nights straight (that may sound silly, but I've never done it). Of course he and I were fine and I did have a great weekend. Because I've done a seminar for them for the past 6 years or so, I have come to know some of the women that regularly attend. So they are my Hartland friends and its nice to see them!

But the weekend presented me with a little more than I'd anticipated. The speaker, Rhea Briscoe, said some things that really puzzle pieced with stuff God has been using to speak to my heart. A few things she said really resonated with me and I had a few light bulb moments. She made reference to Matthew 28:18 which begins the Great Commission and tells us that God has all the power in heaven and earth. Then she asked, "So if God has all the power, how much power does Satan have?" The answer: an obvious zero! He has no real power. He controls me at times with no power, that's crazy right?!

So how does he control us without power? By lying! Yep, he tells us things that aren't true through our inner voice, other people in our lives, the internet, television, movies, music and a lot of other media formats. We in turn, believe the lies, begin to walk in them and in fear and boom (wow, just had a flashback to the movie Couples Retreat), we are in bondage.

In seeing this cycle I realized a few areas of my life where I am walking in fear. I had believed lies of the enemy and was walking that instead of faith and freedom in Christ. I need Jesus and need to bathe in his truth more than I do. I need to stop listening to the enemy and standing up because Matthew 28 goes on to tell us that as believers all his power has been given to us! Hallelujah and Amen!

Somewhere deep inside I feel I should shout, "I'm not Josie Grossie anymore," but I will refrain :). It makes since though right, because God is truth and in him who is also love, there is no fear. He sacrificed his life for us on the cross and we have live in freedom because of his great love. Fear comes from lies. So if you are walking in fear, you are believing lies.

I really have to hand it to Satan for being so crafty. I mean he's really taken us to a new level of fear and lies and has made his job easier by the invention of the internet and cable television. He no longer has to lie to individuals and hope those around them perpetuate it, but he lies in mass production. However, with that said, I am taking my power back and telling him, "no thank you." No more! I am standing on the promises of God and walking by faith. I am dedicating more consistent time to prayer and praise and Bible Study.

One of the things that God has impressed on me in the last month is the importance of praise (I will talk about this in another entry, but the result of all of this is a new step I am taking in my life. In the morning before the day starts and we begin to get going, we sit and use you tube videos with lyrics to sing praises to God. Our own musical worship moment to praise the Lord and invite him into our day. This has been awesome and I'm so glad I'm doing it.

So I leave you with a question: Are you walking in faith of the promises of scripture in God's word or are you living in fear from the lies you believe to be true? Cut the lies out of your life, replace them with the truth of the Bible, stop walking in fear and begin walking by faith! Don't let insults get you down, they are lies. You are beautiful, wonderful and made with purpose :).

Give God entry into all areas of your life! 2 Corinthians 3:17 tells us where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom!

"I'm not Josie Grossie anymore!" (Never Been Kissed)