Why Parenting Is So Hard!

I think anyone who has kids, of any variety, knows parenting is HARD! Don't get me wrong, it is also amazing!! Becoming a mom awakened a part of me that didn't exist before.  I am in awe of these mini-people who fill my life with frustration and happiness of equal and epic proportions. 

But why is parenting so hard?  That is a bigger question than this blog post could ever answer, but the answer that is currently resonating with me is because of what our kids reveal in us.  Even though kids are unique, they still reflect the best and worst of us, as parents. 

My son is just like me so finding the parallels of my personal issues in his behavior has never been hard, but my daughter is another story.   When I found out my youngest was a girl, I cried. I cried because I wanted a boy.   

At the time I didn't fully understand what was happening in my soul, but as I've been her mom, I see now it was fear.  I was afraid to be a mom to a girl, because I was afraid to look at parts of myself I was subconsciously avoiding. 

As God has walked with me into the darkness of my hidden self-loathing, I have faced my fear of not being enough in being her mom. 

Let me be clear, I love my daughter and I wouldn't trade her for the world.  I also welcome the journey of self-discovery that raising her has led me on.  I am one who wholeheartedly believes, the best life is one that is free from past junk! Despite the pain of facing my inner demons, I am eager to be baggage-free. 

But all of this just enforces the challenges of parenting.  We are humans in process, after all.  Having to do everyday life and then be sent the unexpected self-awareness curveball through your child's behavior is downright, overwhelming!   You never know when your child will playback your greatest fears and worst habits in their tantrum about homework, or be hurt by a friend and be crushed in a way you remember happening when you were younger.  What is that one thing you hate about yourself?  Seeing it in that face you'd die for or wish you could rescue them from your flaw you despise  - is terrifying!    We can't stop our kids from being like us - human or from getting hurt. 

The good news is, we aren't alone and God has a plan.  He will use every ounce of our good and bad parenting to shape their character and purpose and to heal our past in the process if we let him.  Some of my favorite traits were birthed out of the hardest challenges I faced, so I have to allow my kids to do the same.  When I look at this in reverse, I can tell you, I know my parents faults, but I love being like them in spite of those traits. 

How great is God that he uses our kids to draw us out of our comfort zones and allows us the space to grow in our relationship with him, self-awareness and desire to heal?! 

As I am reading Job right now in the Bible, I am reminded how often we feel the need to give advice when what we really need to do is offer encouragement.  Sure advice is necessary at times, but we don't have all the answers so engaging others like we do, isn't always helpful.  Job had three friends with loads of advice, but failed to give him what he needed - someone to remind him, he wasn't alone and to encourage not to give up. 

So here I am, letting you know - you aren't alone, so don't give up!  If you need more relational time, make space in your schedule to spend time with people - face to face, so you can grow your friendships and take care of your soul.  Keep going - God is bigger than whatever you face.  Ask him to show you just how big he is, then stand back and watch!!!  Happy Wednesday! 

Parenting Life - Mirror, Mirror Down the Hall, Who's the Mother of Them All

We all remember the wicked Queen in Snow White with her magic mirror. She was happy as long as the mirror only showed her what she wanted to see, but the moment it reflected the fairest Snow White, the real conflict began. I've discovered in my mother journey that I also have a magic mirror - its called, MY KIDS! 

 I'm a self-proclaimed, "work in progress." Having grown up with my fair share of dysfunction, I've always made it a mission to face the issues from my past and properly learn to process anything that crippled me from living a healthy life. I decided not to stop with a Bachelor's Degree and have worked hard since college to make my spiritual and emotional state a field of study that is turning into a life long course.

 

As a Christian, I have seen the hand of God leading me down the path that brings me closer and removes the barriers that separate me from Him. If I take a peek behind me on the road I've walked in life up until today, I can see I've come along way, but the truth is, I have a long way to go. The biggest indicator of that fact has been my children.

 At first it was cute to see that my son was so much like me. His loquacious, bubbly, never short for words demeanor reflected a side of myself that I love. I was touched to see him mirror my tender heart toward the people around us and I laughed as he approached humor with the same silliness I do. As he grew the reflection in the mirror before me began to reveal some aspects of my personality and parts of myself that I didn't like. The mirror down my hall was changing his tune from time to time and at first it was very unsettling. 

 My son mirrored the same angry temper and emotional outbursts that I display when I'm overwhelmed or don't know how to work through what I am dealing with in a moment. When he was feeling bad about himself I saw the same self-deprecating remarks that I also use in low moments and I was forced to take a hard look at areas that still need a touch from God.

 Its easy to get discouraged and feel like I am failing as a mom, after all, I take this life-shaping job very seriously. I don't want to do anything to mess up a human being. Despite that pressure and seeing things I don't like, I have learned from Jerry Bridges in his book, Pursuit of Holiness, "a failure isn't someone who fails, but someone who stops trying." In those words, I get my reminder that the cement hasn't dried. I still have time to make important changes. I still have time to be real and honest, own my failings, learn how to process anger and allow God to heal the damaged self-image that can at times emerge. 

 I've allowed this reflection to be motivation not discouragement. I decided to venture out into better mommy boot camp and model what I want to be reflected toward me.  My goal isn't perfection! Let's be honest, there is no such thing as a perfect parent and you can't raise perfect little people. My goal, instead, is to be equipped and to learn to equip my babies to process anger and walk through life with a healthy sense of self and boundaries with those around us. 

 God has lead me to some great resources as I study being a parent and honestly, being a healthy woman. Its easy to get into life and not stop and take time to be intentional but I find when life starts to go south the one area I have neglected is my quiet time with Jesus. He's my best friend and yet I can forget to sit at his feet. I need that time to survive, let alone flourish. When I give myself to God, I'm a better woman, wife and mommy! 

 I've also found some great articles online using that resource we call Google. I found a great book for my own struggle with anger by Gary Chapman called, Anger Taming A Powerful Emotion. Now its time to study, I need to know the good stuff I've read and put it into practice. Here we go! 

 What do you see when you look in your mirrors running down the hall? Do they reflect the woman you want to be? Do you like what you see? Do your littles reveal areas you need to give over to God and make a conscious effort to change? Maybe you are a well-balanced woman excited about the ideals you are modeling for your babies, but have neglected your time with God. God uses anything he can to bring us closer to him, after all isn't that the goal?! 

 Yes, we are raising our children, but God is using our children to work in us. Don't forget to truly evaluate what you see and hear coming from your mirror and don't let the truth make you mad like the Queen. Instead embrace the opportunity to walk closer to Jesus!! If you aim for God, he will never let you miss!