When Someone Else's Words Are Better Than Your Own

With everything going on in our world right now, let me tell you, I have words - lots of words.  Sometimes, I have so many I just can't get them out.  The words in my heart and my head are currently in the midst of a traffic jam.  While they sit in gridlock and wait to flow again,  I decided to share some words that warmed my heart yesterday when I read them.  My sister, Catie Coyle, shared a story that I knew needed to be shared.  So for now, she speaks, and soon I will be too!  Thank you Catie for the following words and thank you to our mom for raising us to see people and not color.  

I have been thinking about the recent news out of Charlottesville and how to respond. I struggle to find the rights words and war with myself about my anger and my desire to be a light in the darkness. This process of thought has had me reflecting on my childhood and one experience in particular. 

As a little girl, I practically lived at the Springfield Marketplace. The building itself breathed and was alive with adventure and spirit. My mother had an antique shop toward the front of the building. Christos was a lovely shop, beautifully appointed, and always her shoppers would be greeted with the sounds Gershwin or Beethoven lightly playing from a small Boombox hidden in the back of the store. 

I loved the Marketplace; I loved the people there and the adventures we shared together. It was my little paradise.

Despite the warm memories, it was also in my own little Hamlet that my heart was first darkened by the awareness of racism. The Marketplace had a shoe shine stand that my friend, Charlie, owned. Charlie was old and gentle and apparently… black. I can’t explain why I didn’t seem to notice that about him. I just didn’t. 

Charlie was just my friend. 

Sometimes, when the stand was slow we would go for our walks together. I would show Charlie silly things like where I had scooped a drowning bee out of the fountain and cared for him until he could fly away. Or Charlie would tell me stories about the people that had their shoes shined that day. It was nothing spectacular, except maybe to me. 

Then one day, Charlie would not go for a walk with me. 

I was heartbroken. 

I didn’t understand why my friend would not want to spend time with me. 

To make matters worse, my mother wouldn’t let me go outside either. There was a nervousness in the air. It was uncomfortable and confusing. 

I don’t know how I found out about the Klu Klux Klan or their despicable presence that day. I don’t know who told me. I don’t actually remember if I really understand who they were. All I knew was that they were gathering by MY fountain. I somehow learned that they hated my friend Charlie, and people who shared the color of his skin. I learned that Charlie was scared. And I knew, without a doubt, that I hated the KKK.

As an adult, I still struggle to forgive those that have such foulness in their hearts. I know that hating those that hate does nothing to promote the love of Christ, but I still struggle.

The recent news about the white supremacist rally in Charlottesville has had me thinking about Charlie again. When I heard news of the rally I felt so angry and helpless. Even after all these years, I still don’t have the words. I still feel like a little girl who feels betrayed by total strangers. 

I wish there was a way, as an adult, I could go back there and tell Charlie how much he meant to me, and how ashamed I am for being upset that he wouldn’t go for a walk with me. 

I wish I could hold his hand again, his old wrinkled hand, and tell him that I would keep him safe. 

I wish Charlie knew that that day, that was undoubtedly terrifying for him, awoke in me a passion for equality. 

I hope Charlie knew that I loved him. 

I know that there are a million “Charlies” out there. People that are our neighbors and our co-workers, our friends, strangers we pass on the street, and family that we adore. People who feel scared and angry. I know that my experiences are different than theirs. I know that I cannot speak for them and for the racism that they experience every day. 

I know I don’t really know what is it like to suffer under the yoke of racism because I was born with light skin. I also know that I will stand up for what is right and what is true and what is love. I will do my best to show my neighbors, and my co-workers, and my friends, and even strangers that I pass on the street, that will stand with them. And I know that we will be victorious in this battle, because “love never fails."

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” - I Corinthians 13:4-8

If I'm Being Honest

I love to share my life and lessons learned with others. Whether its speaking from a stage, leading a workshop, writing a blog post or just meeting for prayer and coffee with someone,being able to minister to people at the heart level is the pinnacle of fulfillment for me.

But if I am being honest, I've struggled at times with the ministry I do. I am not a perfect person, and its easy to feel like a fraud.  I don't have it all together, I have my own struggles, and I can begin to question what right I have to say anything to anyone?

Then I remember, its not about me.  I don't share, write, pray, listen and talk because I am so great.  I do it because I am not.  I do it because I have walked some roads in life that didn't lead me where I thought they would.  In the midst of all of it, I found hope in Jesus.  I do it because He and I discussed long ago that if I had to face it, He better use it.  I don't want any of the pain I have endured to be worthless.  

I wish I were further along in my journey.  I wish I could check off the boxes in areas where I struggle; despite my current reality, I know:

1. I will get there. 

Philippians 1:6 (NLT) - "And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns."

2. No matter how much my enemy comes against me, God already won, and I have victory!

"You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world." - I John 4:4 (NIV)


I am lucky because I have seen victory in areas of pain in my life.  I had an abusive step-dad growing up that I not only learned to forgive, but God gave me mercy and love for him.  I was happy God brought me into his life so he could know God even with the pain I experienced.

Right after high school, I chose an abortion even though it wasn't what I wanted or believed in.  I can echo the words of Frederica Mathewes-Green when she says, “No woman wants an abortion like she wants an ice cream cone or a Porsche. She wants an abortion like an animal caught in a trap wants to gnaw off its own leg.” When I first read that quote, I was relieved someone got it!  I was haunted after my abortion, but now I can say with certainty - I am free from the slavery I felt after making that choice!

Those two things are just a sampling of the hurdles God has helped me overcome.  That reminder gives me the strength to know I can continue to overcome with God's help. 

This past week, I shared my struggle with anxiety and subsequent anger on my public Facebook page.  This is my current battle, and on a rough day or in a rough moment, that is when the questions arise, but I embrace the journey and hope that those who read this blog will journey with me. 

I know God has victory in store and my God is bigger than my struggles.  I feel blessed for the current resources I am working through because for the first time in a long time I see victory approaching. 

What about you?  What struggles have you down?  Where do you need a boost and encouragement? May I encourage you to continue on!  Don't give up!  Do you know God?  He has a plan for you!  If you have questions, comment below or message me and I am happy to help.  Happy Wednesday!  

One Thing You Don't Need

Its ironic to me that when we survey the world's population and examine issues that each country and region face, the biggest issue in the richest countries are things like: depression, anxiety and suicide.

Interestingly enough, suicide isn't an issue in impoverished areas like it is in first world countries. How is it that people that "have it all" are the most unhappy people in the world?

I heard a sermon recently from a guest speaker at a Christian camp, discussing the Beatitudes, a section of scripture also known as the Sermon on the Mount.  It is a sermon given by Jesus.  Many of Jesus' teachings seem counter to our culture and this section of text is no exception. Jesus says things like, "Blessed are the poor in spirit," or "Blessed are those that mourn..." What? How can they be blessed?  Yet, when we look into the communities of the world, these statements of Jesus are reflected in real-life.

Whenever I visit Thailand and spend time with the Karen refugees living in the northern Thailand mountains, I am moved with the happiness of the Karen.  Here are people who are living outside their native country, without citizen rights, often poor and yet - they are happy.

When a sponsor gifts a new outfit to a girl at the center, you will see that outfit many times throughout a visit, and each time on a different person.  When someone gets something, it is for the group, not the individual.

This attitude is also modeled in the scriptures when we read about the early church in Acts.  Followers of Jesus were focused more on community than the individual.

It seems that the Bible is right.  The more we become focused on ourselves, the more unhappy we become.  The more things we possess, the more empty we become.  The more we get our way, the less we really get what we truly want.

What is the one thing you and I don't need?

Everything.

We don't need to have things the exact way we want it.  We don't need everything our heart desires and can possess with the click of a button and free drone instant shipping.  We don't need to be the center of the universe.

What we DO need is an others-focused, community mentality.  We need to be self-less not selfish.
We need to be told no and to experience disappointment.
We need to live without
...only then are we strong, brave, empathetic, creative and fulfilled.

Seeing others succeed is a greater high than getting the latest technological device.  It is always better to celebrate each other than to have it be all out me.

Our culture is feeding us a lie - A LOT!  Are you ready to abandon the cultural standard of having it all and live the kind of life God created us for?

These 3 things will help you to live counter-culturally:

1. Recognize it - Do you see the subtle and not so subtle way advertisers sell the message that you deserve it all?  Can you take note of how many times that message crosses your path each day?

2. Deny It - Make note of the truth that stands in the face of the lie you are being spoon fed.

3. Defy It - Step out and live in a way that puts others' needs first.  Choose to give more than you receive, to embrace the thorns that prick you when you come across a rose and see the beauty that came with the pain.  Live in such a way that embraces the needs of others and community more than you the individual.

When we see others before ourselves, we live in a way that celebrates our communal and spiritual purpose.  We are, after all, the Body of Christ - working together is the only way we truly work!

One Mistake That Needs To Be Corrected

I have been a Christian since I made that choice for myself at age 4 in my preschool class.  My relationship with God has had its high points and low dips.  There was even a time after some tumultuous years when I verbally told God,

"I don't like what you've done in my life and I was going to take over." 

He let me, and I made an even bigger mess of my life, making two of the biggest mistakes to date. 

Even with that season, I would say I am close to God.  In moments of life, all I have had was God and he showed up in a GIANT way!

I recently put together curriculum for a youth retreat that rocked my soul! I came across a video (that has since been deleted).  It shared words and background set to connect with the song Names of God by Laurell Hubick.   As I watched the video and listened to the words, I began to cry.  Before I tell you why, let me share a story.

I can recall one night, as a junior-high student, going to bed feeling more alone than ever before.  I called out to God saying I needed to be held.  I needed to feel someone hug me, like you would if a human being held another human being.  I went to bed that night and literally felt God's arms around me. 

HE ANSWERED MY PRAYER! 

That God hasn't diminished in my life. 
He is just as big as he ever was. 
He still speaks to me and yet,
I have made a major mistake!

I have let my life become bigger than my God. 

I have allowed anxiety, fear and worries take over and it has become my default to accept the broken circumstances that are handed to me. 

GUESS WHAT?! 

I don't have to. 

That video sparked this awakening in my soul that reminded me of the God I believed in all those years ago in that bed all alone - the God I still follow today.  I realized I am not living in a way that acknowledges the love, gentleness, strength and power of my God. 

My God is
Elohim, my Creator (Genesis 17:7, 8),
he's Jehovah Shammah, The Lord is There (Ezekial 48:35),

Adonai – My Great Lord/My Master – 2 Samuel 7:18-20

El Elyon – Most High God – Genesis 14:20

Yahweh – The Lord I AM – Exodus 3:13-15

Jehovah Rohi – The Lord Is My Shepherd – Psalm 23:1

Jehovah Mekaddishkem – The Lord Who Sanctifies You – Leviticus 20:7-8

Jehovah Tsidkenu – The Lord is Our Righteousness – Jeremiah 23:6

El-Roi – The God Who Sees Me – Genesis 16:7-16

Jehovah Nissi – The Lord Is My Banner – Exodus 17:8-15

El Shaddai – All Sufficient One – Genesis 49:22-26

Jehovah Jireh – The Lord Will Provide – Genesis 22:9-14

Jehovah Rapha – The Lord Who Heals – Exodus 15: 22-26

Jehovah Shalom – The Lord Is Peace – Judges 6:16-24

Jehovah Sabaoth – The Lord of Hosts  - I Samuel 1:3

El-Olam – The Everlasting God – Genesis 21:33

Christ – The Anointed One – Matthew 16:16

Love – God is Love – I John 4:8

Abba – Our Father – Romans 8:15-17

I sat there and confessed where I had strayed and in the next week, God called me to live out what I had confessed. 

Days before the retreat I was to lead, my daughter started to develop symptoms to a virus that would keep any of us from attending.  That wasn't an option.  I began to panic and then I remembered the Names of God.  In that list is God my provider and God my healer.  I took this to him and asked others to pray. 

My mom, as wonderful as she is, spoke words that grabbed me.  She said, "Carrie, God cares more about your daughter and those teens, than you do! He will take care of it." 

I stood in that truth and saw my God work.  My daughter was healed and is fine.  More importantly, I was healed of the anxiety that was plaguing my heart.  Sitting in that truth and resting in all that my God is, I was able to relax.  I knew God had it all worked out the way He wanted and needed it to go, regardless of what happened with my little girl. 

Where have you let life become bigger than God?  Where do you need to rest in God and see him be the BIG, AMAZING God HE IS?!

Maybe you don't know God.  Do you need a Savior?  God is there.  If you are reading this, and like me, you have let God become small, NOW IS THE TIME, to see the BIG GOD you serve.  If you don't have a God but need him, he is also there.  I am here, if you have questions or want to know more, let me know.  God bless you.  Happy Wednesday!!!

4 Benefits of Being Bullied

As I begin this, let me say, 

I do not condone bullying. 

To be fair, kids today have to deal with bullying on a level I NEVER did as a kid, so please know I am not diminishing the severity of this issue. 

The point of this blog is to show how something meant to push me down, in fact, ended up blessing me with some amazing gifts.

As I look at some of my skill sets today, I see that many of them came through adversity and it is good to be able to celebrate beauty that can develop through pain. I am a likable person and as a whole, get a long great with others, but there was a time in my life where I wasn't so popular.  Truth be told, my home life had a lot of challenges that didn't exactly aid me in my efforts with peers at school - trying to pretend I cared about the "trivial" things that most pre-teens and teens grappled with proved a challenge as I lived with realities most people should never have to experience.

It also didn't help that I said whatever I thought.  I've never been great at censoring my opinion and when I am around people that just want to hear what they want to hear, its usually a recipe for disaster.  If all of that wasn't enough, I also, then, like now, wore my heart on my sleeve and never excelled at masking my emotions. 

All of this meant,  I had some lonely years at the bottom of the food chain. I was made fun of for my looks, family, and moral compass - just to name a few.  I was left out, picked last, teased, gossiped about, taunted and downright bullied. 

I persevered and guess what?  That season didn't last!  Yes, it felt like forever in the midst of it, but now looking back I can remember the beautiful years that followed and now I see some tools in my life box that I gained through those hard years.  Here are just a few of the rewards I gained from my bullied years:

1. A TRUE UNDERSTANDING OF WHO I AM

Being able to see myself bullied and later admired, I could see that if I left my value in the hands of others, who I am would constantly change.  Regardless of your status on the social ladder, if you know who you are and know your value, it doesn't change with the changing tides. That constant is a solid foundation in our ever-morphing world.  Those peer uncertainties don't stop when you reach adulthood either, so its good to know who you are and choose how you want to be defined.  Your value is too high to let someone else decide what it should be. 

2. AN EYE FOR THE ALIENATED

I can join a crowd and in an instant am aware of anyone being left out.  I have a hyper-awareness of those off on their own.  It makes a great skill in connecting with teens as a youth pastor and reaching people just as a human being.  Not everyone wants to be a part of the crowd because we all have different personalities but being aware of those around you and checking-in to make sure their separation is by choice, is an amazing gift.

3. AN ABILITY TO GIVE GRACE

I can recall one particular person who said some pretty devastating words to me in regards to my life and more specifically why I should take it.  Suicide is very serious business.  But since those years, I realize that in our junior high days we don't always realize the weight of our words.  We live in the moment and often only see ourselves.

This person grew up and later after discussion regretted and apologized for this very conversation.  It wasn't because it was in their memory - honestly, they had completely forgotten it, but I hadn't and as I saw the root of this adolescent indiscretion, I was able to forgive this person.  Good people do bad things.  It happens and like this person, I too have had my moments.  Grace is a beautiful gift to give and receive.  I want to be in that gift-giving business so I am ready when its my turn to receive it. 

4. A HEART OF COMPASSION & EMPATHY

Even though I can be a down-right emotional mess at times, my vast array of social standings throughout my life, has gifted me with the ability to see beyond someone's masks and see them.  I have a compassion for those suffering and experiencing pain in whatever circumstances they are living.  I truly do cry with people because I can naturally put myself in their shoes.  I obviously have to put up boundaries for myself so I don't develop some superman complex and try to save the world, because I am not and cannot, but it does give me some great prayer times. Its a gift to see someone and be able to meet them where they are.


What lemons have brought you lemonade in life?  Can you see some skills you have today because of adversity you have faced?  Maybe its time to notice it and share it!!!

One Thing We All Need And Two Ways To Get It!

September of last year, Marie Claire published an article sharing the stories of women who regret having children.

For Every Mom, an online Christian mom's magazine, recently posted a response to a similar article in The New York Post.

After reading all three articles, I needed a moment to take it all in.  Motherhood is hard, but hearing someone say they regret their motherhood in the face of their beautiful children just broke my heart.  It hurts me to hear those words come as truth from someone's heart and it hurts me to think of the child who might one day read their mother's regret of their very life.

As I took it all in, I realized this sentiment highlights a real problem in our world today. Take a moment and picture life in the 1800's.  Can you see the Pre-Industrial America fully-equipped with covered wagons - something straight from a scene of Little House of the Prairie? People were tired from hard work, yet rested without incessant distractions.  Villages and towns rallied as a family and supported each other.  People weren't abandoned and left to their own devices.  While I am glad to live with the modern conveniences of the 21st Century, there is one thing they had gobs of that we are in deep need of - community.

As I take an honest look at the stories in the articles linked above, I see a variety of individual issues, and yet I see this common thread.  Sure there are some exceptions to this rule, as each of us have varied personalities and life experiences, but in truth, motherhood is a lonely existence and community is crucial for survival.    I wouldn't trade being a mom for anything else in this world, but lonely, frazzled, frustrated, depressed are all adjectives I have felt along this journey of early motherhood.  As a people-person who loves to be out and about, early-motherhood is a struggle because its so isolating.

There is a solution.  The following two things can help us to take back our motherhood and find joy in this stage of life.  

1.  Choose Another Vantage Point 

How we see something largely affects how it impacts our life.  Reality is always a good place to start. If you are a mom, you can't look at the "what if's" because they are no longer an option.  There is a huge responsibility in raising a child.   We have the unique job to shape the live of another human!  How amazing is that?!  Yes, it can be a daunting task but it is a task of upmost importance and shouldn't be taken for granted.  Also, our kids won't be little forever and they will become our friends in adulthood and even possibly our caretakers later in life.  Its time to see another side to motherhood and life in this particular season.

2.  Build Your Own Community

In high school and college, it was easy to integrate myself into a group of friends, but since those years the places to find friends aren't so readily available.  I have to be intentional to create my own community.  I have to keep up with people, do things for others and make time in the calendar to put in the time to create and maintain my community.  I have to put myself out there and risk rejection because the reward of having a support network is worth the risk.  So where do you find a mom community?  I have found moms on Facebook groups, theatre rehearsals, the playground, the gym, and even the grocery store.  

I met a mom a few years back that invited me to her prayer group.  It was amazing.  In the yard since it has fizzled out, and this past year I realized just how monumental that group was for me, so I decided to start my own. What do you need?  If you don't like play dates, find a mom that will swap with you - you take her kid so she can have some alone time, then she will take yours.  You can have your girl time and enjoy some of the perks from your old life now, with a little creative community building.

At the end of the day you've got this, but you can't do it alone so if you are trying to do so, than its time to make a few changes.  If you have it all, than maybe its time to find someone who needs you in their community.  We are all in this thing called "life" together!

In Need Of A New Perspective?

I have an ever active two-year-old in my home at this stage in life.  

She is beautiful,
sweet,
loving,
smart and
totally ornery!   She is into EVERYTHING!!! (Please Note: Despite this last characteristic, she is amazing!) 

Because of her tendency to pull everything out and toss it about, there are subsequently a lot of activities that don't happen for me or in our home right now.  Despite this reality, I recently decided to put together a 1,000 piece puzzle.  It took me about a week and while a challenge at first, in the end it was very rewarding. 

I remember in the process, picking up a piece knowing it belonged to a particular section but still struggling to get it to work in the right place, only to notice I was looking at it sideways or upside down. 

Other pieces had to be set aside because they were in a section that was all one color.  I had to wait until the end when I had less pieces to put in so that I could try each piece until I got them all arranged. 

I realized afterwards, that this experience was a great allegory for life. 

We often get frustrated when something doesn't go as planned, but often the way everything goes ends up being the best because we have a God with a plan.  It also illustrates the power of perspective.  Perspective truly is everything.

I recently finished a book (Have A New You By Friday by Kevin Leman) where he shared a great example on the power of perspective.  He discussed an addict who after 2-3 weeks clean, had a relapse.  In that moment perspective can either propel him into action to get up and go for it again or push him into a dark abyss where he feels hopeless to ever be clean.  He can acknowledge that he made it 2-3 weeks and be encouraged that he has done better than ever before and will make the right adjustments to start again, or he can beat himself up for failing and just stop trying because all he is a loser anyway. 

Bullying is a hot topic these days and with all the ways social media can be abused to torture others, it can quickly turn into a serious matter.  As a 38-year-old who grew up before computers were oxygen, I never experienced the levels kids can today, but as I look back to that pre-adolescent time when I was going through a personal hell at home and coming to school to get bashed for my body, family or moral compass, I can now see the benefits of that bullying.  You heard me, right, benefits.  I can see it now with the proper perspective. 

As a youth pastor I am around a lot of teenagers.  I don't just spend time with teens I know, but I also go onto campuses and through myself into situations where I know no one.  Thanks to what I felt in those early years,

I now am highly intuitive to the emotions of others,

I have an exquisite radar for noticing the alienated and

using my conversational skills and quirky affect to pull them out of hiding. 

I have a deeper compassion for the pre-adolescent and adolescent stages because of my varied stations among the proverbial social ladder.  There was a time when I was popular and well-liked by my peers, but that only came after my time as a social pariah. 

Every bad situation has a great perspective (though some don't come with instant understanding).  In fact, let me be clear - telling someone going through a hard time to look at the brighter side, will earn  you a kick in the teeth. 

The use of perspective is not to use as a weapon to tell a parent who just lost a child that they are in a better place.  Perspective is for us to utilize in order to find joy where life has us.  In grief and tragedy, time is often an ingredient to help with perspective. 

But how can you use it now?  Can you take Kevin Leman's example and apply it to your own life?  I recently got angry and threw something breakable.  It shattered to the floor and I started crying.  That is how I used to deal with anger and it has been over 10 years since I have done anything like that.  In that moment I felt like the addict who fell off the wagon, but Kevin's book helped me to see, while I relapsed, I have come a long way and I still have a long way to go. 

I need to use perspective to:

1. Encourage myself and shed light on the positive

2. Motivate myself to overcome obstacles in life

3. Rally other close friends to remind me to keep on the proper perspective path

Sometimes life does suck, but sometimes its all in our perspective and we can move forward when we re-position our thoughts. 

Let me leave you with one of my favorite quotes as encouragement in your perspective journey:

"A failure is NOT someone who fails, but someone who stops trying."  Jerry Bridges

You got this! Don't give up!!!