Lately I have had some pretty brutal conversations with God. Conversations I have had to apologize for - let's face it - God could easily take me out. He is someone I need to respect, but the lack of control over my life has had me in fits. Its the only thing I can do as nothing will change as a result of my complaints. God does not operate like the customer service department of a major cooperation. He is supreme and my issues are not going to change his mind. He does care about the smallest issue in my heart, but my complaints don't dictate his actions.
Life is infact a process, one I am no doubt in the middle of - while a mulligan would be nice - its more like an art project where you use the mistakes to create your masterpiece - there is no such thing as do over - it is what it is. I must go from here - no turning back, no guessing what could have been - its what might be from this point. So I've had to come to God and face what is my life. I found a great book I am currently reading which has me facing what I want to run from. I want to have a baby, a new job, and my step kids to love me. Nothing is changing. I am not pregnant and with each period I am outraged at one more month that mocks me. I am working for a church with part-time pay where the volunteer leadership team treats me with comtempt and I slave over a plethera of odd jobs to make ends meet. My 18 year old stepdaughter dispises me and spends all her time with anyone but me. She has no desire to imulate me or enjoy that which is Carrie Guy. She seeks to be as far away as humanly possible. So at the end of the day my life looks at me and laughs knowing nothing is as it should be.
So what are my choices? That is where the book comes into play because the book by Jill Briscoe called, "8 Choices That Will Change a Woman's Life." So here I am choicing pain to purify me instead of running from it like fugitive. I must accept my lot in life. I must love it and even embrace it even though all of me wants to rebel and demand a refund for the emptiness I feel. If that were an option I would have a new life by now, but instead I must allow my crappy circumstances to change me into a better person. It kinda sucks, but here I come. I know I am not alone in my steps to acceptance of what I have. There is a world out there of unhappy people. People I hope will choose with me to be better for the stuff they live that they hate. Join me in acceptance of disappointment for the purpose of happiness, will you?
Showing posts with label stepmom parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stepmom parenting. Show all posts
Friday, August 7, 2009
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Plight of the Stepmom
Don't get me wrong, I completely love my husband and stepkids, but being a step mom is a hard. My circumstances are compounded by the fact that I don't yet have my own children. Our blended family was just blending me into the mix of a pre-existing family. Truly difficult. Oh, and did I mention that my husband is 16 years older than me so my step kids are closer in age to me than my own husband. We have full-time custody and while their biological mom has visitation the girls don't really do so on a regular basis. While my husband tries to consider my point of view, I often am seen as the one who doesn't get it because they aren't my blood.
Yes, I know I walked down that aisle. I signed up for this, and let me repeat, no regrets. A lack of regrets does not equal a lack of difficulty and frustration. A day in the life of my stepmother experience includes tons of looks. People often ask me if I am my stepdaughters' sister, because I look young. My older stepdaughter is special needs and is 7 years younger. So while she looks adult-sized, she acts child-sized and that adds to the looks. I love it because she calls me mother. She is full of energy and adds to my life. When I tell people they are my stepdaugthers I usually get an, "oh..." Its like they aren't really sure how to react.
I Feel Like a Phony
When women ask if I am a mother and I say I have 2 stepkids. I often get an "oh, you don't have your own children," as if I am fake or phony. The fact is I do all that biological moms do, and at the end of the day I get no credit. At the end of the day "she" will always be mom and I will be the "step." Let me tell you that fact alone, sucks. Especially considering I don't have children yet, and its not that I don't want my own children, I do, desperately. Mother's day has become an awkward experience for me because I really don't know what I am, especially considering for many years my husband was both dad and mom for his girls. I really feel like he should be honored.
Learning the dance is taking some time. Learning when to step in and when to step back. Its difficult, but worth it. Because at the end of the day those girls need someone in their corner and it keeps me humble, because its not about me. I just wish that more people got it. Its often a lonely journey, and that's with great girls and a great man. In the process, I am learning to be myself and learn to have my own life. I am really enjoying a life outside my family and that is helping me enjoy more of life with my family.
Yes, I know I walked down that aisle. I signed up for this, and let me repeat, no regrets. A lack of regrets does not equal a lack of difficulty and frustration. A day in the life of my stepmother experience includes tons of looks. People often ask me if I am my stepdaughters' sister, because I look young. My older stepdaughter is special needs and is 7 years younger. So while she looks adult-sized, she acts child-sized and that adds to the looks. I love it because she calls me mother. She is full of energy and adds to my life. When I tell people they are my stepdaugthers I usually get an, "oh..." Its like they aren't really sure how to react.
I Feel Like a Phony
When women ask if I am a mother and I say I have 2 stepkids. I often get an "oh, you don't have your own children," as if I am fake or phony. The fact is I do all that biological moms do, and at the end of the day I get no credit. At the end of the day "she" will always be mom and I will be the "step." Let me tell you that fact alone, sucks. Especially considering I don't have children yet, and its not that I don't want my own children, I do, desperately. Mother's day has become an awkward experience for me because I really don't know what I am, especially considering for many years my husband was both dad and mom for his girls. I really feel like he should be honored.
Learning the dance is taking some time. Learning when to step in and when to step back. Its difficult, but worth it. Because at the end of the day those girls need someone in their corner and it keeps me humble, because its not about me. I just wish that more people got it. Its often a lonely journey, and that's with great girls and a great man. In the process, I am learning to be myself and learn to have my own life. I am really enjoying a life outside my family and that is helping me enjoy more of life with my family.
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