Don't get me wrong, I completely love my husband and stepkids, but being a step mom is a hard. My circumstances are compounded by the fact that I don't yet have my own children. Our blended family was just blending me into the mix of a pre-existing family. Truly difficult. Oh, and did I mention that my husband is 16 years older than me so my step kids are closer in age to me than my own husband. We have full-time custody and while their biological mom has visitation the girls don't really do so on a regular basis. While my husband tries to consider my point of view, I often am seen as the one who doesn't get it because they aren't my blood.
Yes, I know I walked down that aisle. I signed up for this, and let me repeat, no regrets. A lack of regrets does not equal a lack of difficulty and frustration. A day in the life of my stepmother experience includes tons of looks. People often ask me if I am my stepdaughters' sister, because I look young. My older stepdaughter is special needs and is 7 years younger. So while she looks adult-sized, she acts child-sized and that adds to the looks. I love it because she calls me mother. She is full of energy and adds to my life. When I tell people they are my stepdaugthers I usually get an, "oh..." Its like they aren't really sure how to react.
I Feel Like a Phony
When women ask if I am a mother and I say I have 2 stepkids. I often get an "oh, you don't have your own children," as if I am fake or phony. The fact is I do all that biological moms do, and at the end of the day I get no credit. At the end of the day "she" will always be mom and I will be the "step." Let me tell you that fact alone, sucks. Especially considering I don't have children yet, and its not that I don't want my own children, I do, desperately. Mother's day has become an awkward experience for me because I really don't know what I am, especially considering for many years my husband was both dad and mom for his girls. I really feel like he should be honored.
Learning the dance is taking some time. Learning when to step in and when to step back. Its difficult, but worth it. Because at the end of the day those girls need someone in their corner and it keeps me humble, because its not about me. I just wish that more people got it. Its often a lonely journey, and that's with great girls and a great man. In the process, I am learning to be myself and learn to have my own life. I am really enjoying a life outside my family and that is helping me enjoy more of life with my family.
Stop with the labels already! Don't you see, Carrie? You're doing it to yourself!
ReplyDeleteYou're pro-adoption. You adopted them; they are YOUR family, your husband, your children, case closed.
Even your "special needs" daughter is smart enough to figure this one out.
Seriously, no one can "step" on your family unless you "step" on them first. If family is a dance, it's a dance without steps.
Everything else depends on the circumstances of your husband's relationship to the biological mother, and what you worked out with him before you got married. But the "step" thing is totally on you.
It's your family Carrie. YOUR FAMILY. If the marriage isn't phony, the family can't be phony. You can't be phony.
The end.