Dear Women of New York,

Dear Women of New York,

Last night I had trouble falling asleep.  A new law was passed in your state on abortion.  I've seen a variety of posts from friends on my social media feeds.  One post in particular hasn't left my mind. It was a diagram demonstrating how late term abortions are performed.  Before I continue with my thoughts, let me first tell you a few things about me that will factor into what I have to say.  

At 40, I became a grandma last week.  My husband is older and has daughters from his first marriage, so technically I'm a step-grandma, but in my family "step" doesn't mean anything, only the relationship and love do.  I was shocked by a text I got last week because my stepdaughter wasn't due for another month. Her baby came early and ended up in NICU because of that but was sent home like any full-term baby because even a month early, she was healthy.  Tiny, but healthy.

I have two babies of my own.  The oldest will be 8 tomorrow and the youngest will be 4 next month.  

I also have two babies in heaven.  The oldest would have turned 20 last year and the younger would have been about 9.  Danielle, the younger, was miscarried. I still have a photo of that toilet with her in it.  I couldn't look away because that was my child. The older baby, my Tyler, he was aborted. I was about 6-8 weeks along when I went in for the abortion, I wasn't allowed to see the ultrasound before the abortion so I'm not sure the exact week.  

I was pro-life before my abortion.  I never really understood how I could abort when I grew up believing it was wrong.  Greg Hasek, a counselor in the Northwest, helped me see that decisions are often made out of fear and insecurity instead of what we know to be right or wrong.  That was a pivotal moment for me.  By not dealing with my own issues I inevitably ruined my decision-making ability.  

I was a mess after I aborted Tyler.  Mess is actually an understatement. There are things no one tells you, or maybe you just don't want to believe, and that is why I ended up working with women who had been through abortion or were at that crossroads.  It's no longer my full-time work because let me tell you, when you've lived it, its exhausting work. I'm still here and participate in online groups for women. I still get referrals and will always be available to a woman who needs to talk, but doing it non-stop just became too much.  

Why?  It wasn't just my own story, but instead it was hearing the same story over and over again.  It didn't seem to matter what someone believed about the law. So many women were wrecked by abortion.  Women experience various levels of trauma based on the individual circumstances but whether they were coerced or chose for themselves, the common thread they share is that something in them changed in a way they couldn't get it back.  Many of them silently experience their pain in everyday life, but suffer secretly.

I think it's because most women really want a time machine, not an abortion.  After abortion, the core of them feels that they betrayed themselves and their child.  Guilt is a horrible feeling, because left unresolved, it doesn't just come off. It just becomes heavy.  Then comes a variety of other emotions: embarrassed, ashamed, guilty for now feeling regret about what they stood for and believed was their right and all women's right, stupid for being duped by a family member, friend or partner, abandoned in their pain and alone.  

Each story looks different and yet, it also all sounded the same.  Women were living in bondage because, despite the plethora of healing opportunities offered by Pregnancy Resource Centers and other abortion-recovery related non-profits, our divisive society makes finding healing an uphill battle. I found healing because I want a better me no matter the cost, but not everyone is that lucky.  

With my abortion past and my mom/grandma reality I can't even begin to imagine the horror a woman would experience after a late-term abortion.  You’ve spent 9 months bonding with a baby in your belly, and felt the kicks and various movements only to go in for an abortion procedure that means going home for 24 hours while your baby dies, then having to go back in to deliver your dead baby. If that isn't by definition trauma, I don't know what is?!  

Don't do it.  Forget what a law says, don't write yourself a prescription for that much pain!   This new law might seem to some to be a step forward for women’s rights, but if you ask me it is causing a lot more harm.  

Women deserve better than abortion.  Women deserve better than this new law.  You deserve better. Let’s fight for better!  

Sincerely,

Carrie Guy

P.S. If you or someone you know have experienced the loss of abortion and need someone to talk to, let me know.  You aren’t alone.

My Biggest Regret

I can't remember where I was this past week, but something in life sparked a thought that resonated in my heart.  I immediately made a few notes in the notes app on my phone because I knew with my life going a million miles an hour, I would forget this heart moment when it was time to write about it.

Sure enough, I remembered I took notes on what I was thinking in that moment, but remember NOTHING about what inspired me.  

In my 40 years, I have done some stupid stuff.  

I have financial regrets,
moments I took my life in may hands and by the grace of God survived,
I have big regrets like the person I lost my virginity to and having an abortion.
I regret times I didn't go for my goal
and trust me this list goes on, but none of those are my biggest regret.  

My biggest regret is not being me.  Honestly, this regret affects some of the items above.  When I allowed someone else dictate who I should be, I made compromises far greater than the consequences to the poor choice.  I lost a piece of myself.  Public opinion of Carrie seemed to outweigh Carrie.  

That is my biggest regret!  

Carrie Guy might not be famous, trending or going viral, but Carrie is important.  I have value and being myself is so important because God made me like this for a reason.  God doesn't make mistakes.  

So many times I felt conviction about something and when met with criticism or resistance, I caved to public opinion.  What I wanted was to be a virgin when I got married.  After being molested a few times, I wanted a pure relationship built on friendship and trust, not sex.  Even with that, I wanted to be liked, so I gave in and then found myself pregnant.  I had nothing against my baby, but I wasn't in a place to get married and my idea was to have the baby in secret, but once again I was persuaded both by others and fear of public opinion to abort.  Doing what someone else wants leaves us with ammunition later to assault ourselves.

Truth is the only person we have to live with the rest of our lives, is ourselves! If we don't stand up for who we are and do what we know is right or listen to our inner voice we betray the only human who will be with us 365 days a year for every year until the day we die.

Being me is a gift.  Being you is a gift.  Don't forget that.  Each us were made to be different, unique. A world of lemmings and step ford wives is boring and unoriginal.  How are you being you right now in life?  Have you betrayed yourself?  Do you need to take some quiet time and make peace with yourself?  Do you need to connect with your maker and discover who you are?  What were you placed on earth to do, be and share?  Maybe you are trying too hard to be enough that you aren't cherishing just being you.

Stop.  Let's quit the regrets and be intentional to be you.  If you share this regret with me, you may need to take some time to contemplate who that is.  When we practice being what others want, we can lose sight of who we are in the first place.  Let's recalibrate and do it right!

Who's with me? Let hump day be a new day.  You have half a week to do it differently.  Happy Wednesday!!!

Broken Child

When I was in high school, I went on a tour of Israel with a group of adults, led by my dad, as the Army post Chaplain.  The trip was truly remarkable! Beyond the Biblical sites we visited, our trip included some time at the Holocaust Museum. There are so many profound moments I can recall from that one place, but the one I will share with you today involves a statue on the property.  

It is the statue of Yanush Korzack surrounded by a mound of children, in honor of his work with kids.  As I stood before it and took it in, I heard God say, “Carrie, that is you.”  I felt in that moment that God gave me my mission in life to rescue children.  Honestly, it wasn’t something I fully understood in that moment, but have come to unpack its truth throughout my journey. 

Many years later, I was at a local camp during a women’s retreat leading a workshop over the weekend on, “Healing from the Pain in your Past.”  After the workshop, I stood and spoke with a few women as they were unpacking the pain in their hearts.  In that moment, I heard from God again - this time he said, “Some of the children you rescue will be little girls inside grown women.”  

What an amazing revelation?!  Have you ever seen someone share about a trauma in their childhood?  It doesn't matter their current age, its like they have transformed right before your eyes as the pain they carry has transported them to that exact moment years ago.  You can almost see that child before you.  

People are amazing to me, yes, we can stereotype and categorize and use those things to find commonalities and guess at how we will respond in certain situations and yet, being human means we are all unique, we can deviate from our norm at any time without known explanation.  

Two people can go through the exact same crisis - one will be crushed, another will use it as fuel to climb the next peak in life.  No matter what we see on the outside, we never really know the narrative that plays out in someone's heart and head. 

This profound truth struck me again tonight as I watched the latest episode of, “This Is Us.”  We can go on with life, find success and see our dreams revealed and yet no matter what, that child inside of us still lives.  Parts of us remain broken, unless we are intentional to fix it.   We can keep going and growing even with the brokenness remaining inside.  It resurfaces from time to time depending on the triggers we encounter, but it doesn’t go away.  

That is one the biggest lies we believe about our past - if we ignore it, it will go away.  It doesn’t!  

We have to be rescued or choose to rescue ourselves.  That is why I am passionate about helping people explore those broken pieces and allow God to lead them on a journey to put them back together.  We don’t have to live with the broken child, or broken adolescent inside of us our whole lives.  Sure, it will always be our story and affect the way we live but it doesn’t have to disable our thoughts, feelings and actions.  Living with the internal pain, despite the outward success, is unnecessary.  There is freedom.  

What does the little child inside of you need?  How can you be brave and examine what you most fear to face?  That, my friend, is the first step, but one we all must take if we want to live in freedom.