What Are You Fighting For?

Yesterday, I learned another marriage I respected went down in flames.  You know how I felt?  I felt angry.  

We have settled as a Christian community, on our standard of marriage and allowed divorce, when the Bible is clear - divorce is wrong.  Divorce is something that completely sucks. Yes, I know its 2017, but that truth still rings true today!  There are situations when divorce is necessary, but this blog is not addressing the special circumstance divorce - too many people simply don’t “feel” it anymore and just move on. 

But you can’t just move on.  

Marriage is two pieces of paper, glued together, and when the glue has dried those papers can’t be separated.  When we divorce, its rips us apart.  When you add children to the ripping, its an even greater tragedy. 

In light of this, I have some truth bombs to drop: 

1. Marriage isn’t easy.  

I know that couple that posts their lovey dovey Instagram pictures about finding their soul mate and enjoying another day of their perfect life, and I’m sure you do too.  It can lead us to believe that the perfect marriage exists, but no marriage is perfect.  Social media is our best; we don’t post the bad days.  I’m married and I can say, marriage is HARD!!!!! 

2. Marriage is something to fight for!  

 

Marriage isn’t just about a love feeling.  It is a spiritual union.  It is a way to seek God on a whole new level.  When we come together as a married couple we can fight against the enemy.  Satan is real and he is out to take you down any way he can.  Marriage is just one of those ways.  

I love my marriage and my husband, but we are stronger because of the battles we have faced and overcame, not the romantic moments shared with a hashtag.  Kevin and I have come against a lot in our 14 years together.  I compare our journey to climbing to the peak of Mt. Everest with my climbing partner and celebrate the fact that we survived! 

Those challenges have made me a stronger wife, woman and child of God.  Sure, I’ve wanted to quit, but quitting doesn’t do anyone any good. There are beautiful moments and you have to hang onto them when you reach a storm, but the storm is normal and don’t forget you made a commitment.  Learning to stand strong and persevere grows character muscles we need and need to pass on to our children.  

3. You Didn’t Marry the Wrong Person  

If you married them, guess what, they are the right person.  God has a plan and if you trust him and follow his instructions, it will work out.  We aren’t here to be the happiest people on earth.  Happiness is great, but fleeting.  We are here to be holy and to become closer with our Creator.  Instead of seeing the greener grass in another person, see the beauty in your mate.  Get help if you need it, but refocus on what first drew you to them.  

4. Divorce is destructive.  

As a child of divorce, I can tell you my parents’ divorce, hurt me.  I don’t blame them or hold them in contempt of any kind.  God met me in my hurt and brought healing to me, he gave me compassion for others facing the same reality and gave me a place to pray.  But I never got God’s best, because divorce breaks the family.  Kids get shuffled and even in the best arrangements it messes with a kids identity and security.  

5.  Staying Married Isn’t Enough

If you are in a difficult marriage, its not enough to just stay unhappily married - you must pull up your sleeves and get to work.  My greatest tool in marriage, and in life, has been prayer.  When I pray for my husband, God’s work in him will benefit every aspect of his life including our marriage.  You must do whatever it takes to save your marriage and allow it to thrive.  

6. Just Because Your Spouse Has Quit, Doesn’t Mean Its Over

Some people don’t have a choice, their spouse left them and they are stuck in this new reality.  Others face a spouse with addiction or infidelity and in those moments we need to be strong in prayer and boundaries but we can’t give up!  Continue to pray because you never know what can happen.  I’ve seen people separate while one works on personal issues so that they could save their marriage, and I’ve seen people continue to pray and believe in God’s best in the midst of a spouse choosing to walk away.  

A great friend of mine said it best when she said: “In the end, its not really about marriage; it comes down to how much do you trust God?”  

Faith isn’t looking into the face of reality, its looking into hopelessness and speaking God’s truth, despite reality.  God is bigger than your marriage - do you trust him to save it? An easy life is fun but its not the richest life, and when we fail to fight for what really matters we lose - every time!

And The Winner Is...

The other night I was honored to be invited to a 60th Anniversary Celebration.  The couple had three wonderful children, and 8 grandchildren.  The husband was a respected, retired attorney.  As speeches began, many tales were regaled in humor and candor.  But as I listened into the lives they’ve led,  I became attune to an inequitable system in our culture that seems to only focus on public accomplishment.  

As in many cases, the husband is described by his many workforce achievements, volunteer positions and varying expertise.  Its a list that involves paragraphs in the recollection.  In comparison, the wife was then described in truncated verbiage; only taking up mere sentences, with her support role as wife and mom.  Regardless of the details, this scenario could be a similar format for many families I know and love (note: the roles are reversed in some homes).  No one said anything wrong in this tribute, but just like in many Bible stories, the fewer the words, the greater the work.  

I recently posted on Facebook about jokingly setting up a camera to create a time-lapse video of the mundane chores I do repetitively each day.  Tasks like sweeping under the bar stools, picking up toys, or cleaning the kitchen counters have become my life.  It can feel deflating at times as a monotonous stream of routine breaks me down by sheer boredom.  Moms do the behind the scenes, always going jobs.  

These are jobs that need to be done, just like changing diapers, wiping faces or cooking evening meals.  But there is no award ceremony or trophy for these duties.  Moms get no plaque for holding her child’s hair most nights consecutive during a bout with a stomach virus.  No award is given for the sleepless nights caring for a baby or waiting up for the teenager who has stayed out past curfew.  The best meal award is not a real thing and there is no byline for the hours clocked in the front seat of the kid taxi.  Its a unrecordable existence.  

Marriage is a team sport and what the husband does both away and at home are vital parts of the equation, and seems to always get top billing in the retelling of history.  The wife’s role may not always garnish the best wages (though she does in many cases, yet still has most household responsibilities in addition to the long work hours with an employer), but what she does means a great deal.  For “Stay-At-Home” moms, spending the day shaping the future generation is no simple task.  

The other day, I was on a play date with another mom and her kids.  We were discussing the proverbial scenario when our husbands come home from work seeing the house wrecked and no dinner on the table.  The first question often asked is, “What did you do today?”  My mom friend said her simple reply is, “Your kids are alive, you are welcome!”  Motherhood is not an exercise in productivity, but instead it's a relational marathon.  That often means messes and other duties fall by the wayside.  Sure its not magazine ready and wouldn’t make Donna Reed proud, but its real and honest and focuses on the important parts of life.  

Its a hard job and quite frankly can never be accurately depicted in a celebratory recap of 60 years of wedded bliss. Instead its a quiet, steady job that pays dividends in the lives of those who come after us.  

Its legacy life and sure it should come with a better byline, but at the end of the day, its who we are and what we do and I don’t think any mom wouldn't trade it for the world!

Spiritual Life - This Soap Box Moment is Brought to You By...

Marriage demonstrates that God has a sense of humor. He'd have to, right?! Two people becoming one. Spend 3 seconds in my home and you will see that my husband and I are very different people, and to say we are of one mind could be a bit in a comedy sketch by any comedian of our day. Yet, marriage isn't funny!

Marriage is a commitment not only between two people, but most importantly, God. Marriage is sacred, but the lack of respect paid to this sacred union in our country today, has made me heartsick. I hear a lot of complaining from the Christian community about their issues with homosexual marriage being legal, but the truth is we need to rewind that tape for a long time before we begin to discuss the problems we have in dishonoring God's Word. Divorce is also listed as a sin in the Bible, yet over 50% of marriages end in divorce, and there is no difference in that statistic within the church. So if we hold God's Word and commands to such high esteem that we are willing to crucify homosexuals for their choices, why aren't we tar and feathering everyone who has been through a divorce or willing to walk away from their marriage without any real work in making it better. Let me not get derailed, this article has nothing to do with homosexual marriage, it has to do with divorce, and let's face it, our disregard for the commandments of God which begins before we even get to the topic of marriage. Sex is also considered a sin outside of marriage, but we somehow pick what we will choose to abide by and what we will blatantly disregard, meanwhile, shaking our finger at the sinners around us while we place a "do not disturb" sign above our own disobedient decisions. We have problems "Godly people." I'm not speaking from a place of perfection, I am a woman who had sex in high school, got pregnant and had an abortion. I was wrong and I am married to a man who has been married two times before I came on the scene. We all make mistakes, but there is a difference between messing up and repenting and making mistakes and calling them good.

Lately, I have watched on as men have turned their marriage into a joke as they have cheated on their spouse and left their children in the dust to shack up with their mistress. I have read books where the lead just storms out with child in tow from the one they vowed to stand by "til death us do part" and asked us, the readers, to get excited in the next chapter when their former boyfriend comes back into the picture in hopes to be the new "til death us do part." Then I have watched one of my favorite tv couples demonstrate through a scripted dialogue just how easy it is to throw away something that is divine. If we don't look into this reality and see we have a problem, then we have issues much bigger than sexually related. We have a misunderstanding of who God truly is. We have devalued the authority of God and humanity as well. Don't get me wrong, I do see couples doing whatever it takes to make their marriage work and still ending in divorce, but if those were the only cases of divorce, divorce wouldn't happen in 50% of marriages. Marriage is not dating. It isn't the same and when I see people treat it similarly leaving marriages as often as people date and break up, it upsets me greatly, especially people claiming to be followers of Christ. Reality would say we are in fact, not followers of Christ, but followers of self, walking where our desires lead us.
Why am I so angry? As I stated in the beginning, my husband and I are two very different people, we have walked quite the challenging road over the 10 years we've been together, and 8 years we've been married. There have been moments when I wondered if we would still be married at this point. At each turn in the road we have continued to fight for this commitment we made before God. I feel like each person who walks away, like they found a better job, spit in my face and mock the work I have put into my marriage. Marriage is worth fighting for and when people decide to break up someone's marriage they aren't just messing with a man and his wife but with God himself. One day we will all see what a mistake that truly is. In the meantime, I will rant. Thanks for hearing me out. I know this might not be a popular post, feel free to comment accordingly. Its quite late, and I need to sleep. Good night.