When You Are Not Enough

Note to Reader:  This is an interactive post.  I have questions that I want you to answer, so if you can't take some time now, be sure to schedule time in the next week to answer the questions below. Yay!!!

Have you ever felt like you run out and life still needs more?  Have you ever felt inadequate to live the life you lead?  If you do, I have some good news...you are not alone.  Feeling that way may seem like you are the exception not the rule, but reality says its the other way around.

Walk into a nearby Target or scroll through your IG feed and chances are you will find someone who seems to have what you don't have.  Someone who looks like they are killing it in life.  The problem with that idea is that its drawing a conclusion with only a small percentage of the story.  We see all of us and only part of others.

Craig Groeschel says social media is people sharing their best 5%.  That means you are missing 95% of the story.  If you were solving murders with only 5% of the facts, you'd be a horrible detective! 

We need to stop comparing our whole lives with a snapshot of others lives.  But lets take comparison off the table for a minute and lets talk about you.

I have some questions.  So do me a favor, get some paper and a pen and settle in for a moment of reflection.  Don't have time to answer now? Jot these down and answer them later! 

1. What is the standard you are using to measure success (and failure)?  

2. Where did that standard come from?  Is it a healthy source or is it rooted in dysfunction? 

3. Do you need to adjust the standard? 

4. What are you doing out of obligation and not because it flows with the life you want to be living? 

5. What are you over-committing to? Is this a time management issue or a self-worth issue?  

6. What do your best friends see in you that you don't see?  (Don't know - ask them!) 

You guys, I love renovation shows.  I have a handful I watch, and I love when there is a dump of a house, or so you think, but it just seems that way, because us viewers don't see what is actually there. Sometimes we are like these old houses.  We let ourselves just live in a reaction state to life instead of a place of leadership and ownership.  We let hardship and haters define us and wear the junk we pick up along the way because we feel we are supposed to instead of fighting to be who we were made to be. 

Throw some grace on yourself.  You are the only one doing you.  Celebrate that!  Sure, we have areas we need to grow and change, and we want to do us in a way that honors who God created us to be, but can you see what you are doing well?  Is that life glass half empty or half full?  If you are only seeing the mistakes and the inadequacy, then you are missing the beauty of you.  

Let's regroup, shall we?! Here are some steps: 

1. Gather your friends and ask them to fill your love bank.  Ask them to share what they love about you and take notes!!! If you are really struggling write it up pretty and put it on the walls so you are see it every day.

2.  Speak new truth into your life.  I've talked about my I AM Journal, and you need to do your version of that.  Write out in faith what you are or what you are becoming so that you can make a path for a new you.  Lead the way.  

3.  Read up.  Books by women like Dr. Caroline Leaf or Brené Brown will help you to understand the hurdles you have to leap.  Seeing how the brain works and what you need to do to overcome the mental blocks, will help you to go in a new direction.  

4. Write out a realistic day.  What areas of life are priorities and what time do those things take?  I know I can often write out a week's worth of to-do's in one day and that is just silly and setting myself up for failure.  Taking mental note of this and costing out the time helps reveal the things you need to cut.  

5. Take you into account.  Sure women can do it all, but it doesn't mean we should.  What I add to my family is different than what my husband does. I am emotional and I have to build in time for the relational duties that don't often get noticed and take more time, but they are important.  I could be my husband, but what good is that, he has that covered, I need to be me.  Who I am and how I do life affects what I accomplish and how I accomplish it (this is why comparison is pure junk)! 

So there you go.  There is a lot here.  Digest it and process this.  Let me know what you think.  Did I miss a point in all of this?  Tell me.  I love hearing from those of you who read this blog of mine.  You are the reason I write it after all, what you think matters to me! Happy Wednesday! 

Triggers

This month we will look at processing hard emotions.  If you know me at all on social media, you know this last week my life got turned upside down.  My 4 year old daughter, out of no where, started seizing.  She went into a comatose state until the EMT's arrived, then started seizing again.  When she got to the ER, she experienced respiratory failure.  She was transported to the Valley Children's PICU and we were then transferred to the Discovery Wing when she got out of PICU.  She is now home and we start the process of meeting with a neurologist because we don't have answers yet, but that isn't the point of this post.  The point of this post is triggers. 

Do you know what a trigger is?  

Its that thing that brings up a memory or past experience, often ones that were difficult.    

Not only was this past week challenging for us emotionally, physically and financially, but it was also a source of triggers.  

1. My husband's oldest had some issues as a baby to include some epilepsy and is special needs.  He went through a lot with her, medically speaking, in the beginning of her life.  His second daughter was discovered to be diabetic in her pre-teen years while she was on a trip with us and the youth group of our church.  She was careflighted to Valley Children's and was in the PICU for some time.  So to be in the ER with a 3rd child was filled with all kinds of triggers.  Triggers can often bring back fears and memories as if they just happened, even if it were years ago.

2. My friends showed up at the ER to support me and drove with me up to Valley Children's.  The one that sat with me in the car, lost her almost two-year old several years ago.  As we talked I knew this was triggering all kinds of past memories for her.  She lovingly told me it was okay, but I know her support for me took courage.

3.  As we were being transferred from PICU to Discovery, I was taken back to over ten years ago when we walked these same halls with my stepdaughter - triggered.

4.  Another friend messaged me, full of emotion with what we were facing because she had been in this same hospital with her son, fighting against some physical issues they face. Triggered.

5. I've talked with several mamas who have faced similar issues with their kids and some of them shared emotions with me that revealed they too were triggered.

Triggers happen all the time.  We never know when one will hit.  A women walks through a crowd and smells a cologne, the same cologne as her grandpa, that passed away or the same cologne of her attacker in college.  That smell might instantly take her back to a memory, a place or a moment.

Someone talks to you in a way that an adult talked to you as a child and whether or not they mean the same disrespect can trigger defensiveness or pain.  All of us have our own triggers.  They may just be different from others. Some we learn to anticipate and protect ourselves, others take us off guard and can put us in a vulnerable state.

So what can you do? 

1. Identify you are being triggered - Being self-aware is a great gift and if you aren't great at it, start practicing.  Ask yourself what are you feeling at any given time and what is triggering it.  When we practice self-awareness, we get better at it.  Then we can know what triggers us and when its happening.  Understanding ourselves, our past, and how we engage with triggers and the world around us, helps us to be prepared in life. 

2. Take a moment to process - Okay, so if you are in front of a classroom or boardroom and something happens that triggers you, you might not be able to take a break, but if you can, do it! Excuse yourself to the restroom or take walk.  Do something to allow yourself the space to feel what is happening and get control before moving on.  

3.  Reframe - The brain is an interesting muscle in our body.  Like a filing system, our brain will file like experiences and emotions together.  If a situation feels similar to a bad past experience, the brain may group it together and it could trigger past pain.  That doesn't mean it needs to stay grouped together.  Taking a minute to evaluate if the situation is actually the same will help you to refile.  If they are similar than it may be time to draw some new boundary lines in the relationship.  

4. Create Rules - Set yourself up for success next time that trigger comes along.  Decide what to avoid and what to be ready to reframe. We can't live a trigger free life, but we can know, that as a mom who's lost a baby, being on social media or out in public on Mother's Day may not be a good idea.  If we have been through trauma, then going to see a real-life dramatic movie about those particular circumstances, may also not be a good idea. We can learn to protect ourselves.  

As a note in closing, being triggered is not a sign that an issue is unresolved.  Even though I live without daily grief or guilt from my past abortion, there will always be events that will trigger a grief response to the loss of my child and the regret surrounding that experience.  Resolving past pain happens when we are able to do our day-to-day lives without that pain affecting us, but if that is a camp you live in, maybe its time to see a counselor or process a part of your past with a friend.  What are your triggers? Share them with me, I'd love to hear them.