Reflective Life - Suicide Selfish?

Yesterday, I got the news that Robin Williams had died. I found out on Facebook, then verified the facts looking at online news websites. Soon after the flood of trending posts began to saturate my news feed. To be honest, I didn't mind because I loved all the reminders of the movies he starred in and he is someone that has had a special place in my heart of all the stars out there in the world. A few hours after the news broke, I did find a post from a friend that went in a different direction. This friend remarked about his chagrin in having to endure a week of posts regarding Robin Williams. I then clicked on the comments and some of what I read disturbed me. Not because some people don't care about this actor, but because it revealed an ignorance to the human condition and a callous view that I cannot wrap my brain around. You see it is suspected that Robin Williams died from a suicide. Suicide can bring up an array of colorful emotions and opinions. One of the comments simply said: "Suicide=selfish" and I have to admit I have heard it before. While I get why someone would say that, I respectfully disagree or rather see a different viewpoint that trumps that perspective.

You see when I was 18, I had an abortion, another choice often labeled as selfish. The thing is, I was and am adamantly opposed to the act of abortion. I couldn't believe I had done something with which I fervently disagreed. That sent me not only on a journey of healing, but one for answers. I found some answers 8 or 9 years ago when I heard a speaker, Greg Hasek, say that the problem with "True Love Waits" and other like conferences challenging teens to save sex for marriage is that people don't make choices out of their moral compass and what they know to be right and wrong, instead people make choices out of their fears and insecurities. That simple statement turned a light bulb on in my head. I got it. The key to aiding others in life is not just in education but in helping them face and tackle their fears and insecurities. I made my choice to have sex outside of marriage and then to have an abortion after I discovered I was pregnant because I was scared. That fear took over everything I knew in my head.

This newfound understanding took another step when I learned how the brain works. You see when someone gets emotional, the surge of emotions blocks blood flow to the brain and inhibits someone from being logical because your brain needs that blood flow to work in making logical choices. This was an even greater a-ha moment because it makes a lot of sense. I have encountered countless women who are freaked out and feel alone, choose an abortion, then later beat themselves up, like I did, because they knew what they did was wrong. This phenomenon while applied to my abortion story, isn't limited only to that area. How many of us get caught up in a sale only to later have buyers' remorse? And while buyer's remorse isn't that serious, unless we just bankrupted our entire family, this true biological experience can devastate lives. Someone dealing with clinical depression or severe bullying or abuse may in a moment of emotional overload make a choice to end their lives. But they don't have the luxury of regret. That choice was final. Maybe it is in the end selfish, but I hate defining it as such because I would say 90% of what we do is selfish. That is not a cold hard statistic, but the reality is we are selfish people. The American culture breeds a "look out for yourself" mentality. So if we are going to start labeling things selfish then we better be ready to spend a great deal of time. Selfish isn't the point, hurting is. Frankly, I think its selfish to point the finger at someone who is desperate and decides to take their life and say "selfish" because my question would be, what are you doing to help those people?

We live fragmented, lonely lives. Sure we have thousands of Facebook friends, but when life goes south and its out of your control, who can we really turn to? Who is there to help us pick up the scattered pieces of our lives? I heard it once quoted by Fredrica Mathewes Greene that, "A woman doesn't want an abortion like she would want an ice cream or a Porsche, but like an animal caught in a trap, gnaws off its leg to become free." This reality can be said for many of the desperate choices people make to include suicide. We have an obligation to each other, and when people fall it is all of us who are to blame. If you want to know more about where my passion for this came from feel free to read my post, "Like Me." We obviously, can't make the decisions for others but we weren't made to be islands either. We need each other to survive. There are times when we do all we can for someone and it still isn't enough. Maybe you are a lucky one with a strong support network, but not everyone can say that. You can't be all things to all people, but if you chose to show up in one person's life you can make a huge impact through that one life.

People like bullet points so here are a few steps all of us can take.

1. Choose to be Selfless - Thinking beyond ourselves is a choice. We must first decide if we even want to attempt living life for anyone else.

2.Take a time out - All of us have environments we frequent often: work, the gym, the golf course, a bar, church, etc. Pause your routine and next time take note of the people around you, maybe someone that is in the peripheral.

3. Check In - Take a minute to connect with someone new, maybe its someone you say hi to every day but it never goes beyond that. Invite them to coffee or just stop and see how they are really doing. Showing someone you care, can make a huge difference.

4. Move In or Move On - Truthfully we can't make a connection with everyone and expecting to save the world all by yourself is a set up for burn out and failure. If you don't connect with someone, you made an attempt, move on and try it with someone one else. If you have connected in a surprising way, put yourself out there enough to get to know them. Allow this new person into your life. Relationships are baby steps so make sure to have realistic expectations.

5. Repeat - Whether it works the first time or not, the truth is if you choice to continue to live this way, it will change your life. Thinking of others is always a good thing.

Spiritual Life - Finding Nemo Epiphany

Lately, my son has been on a "Finding Nemo" kick. So I have seen it several times over the past few weeks.

Often children's movies and books lead me to ponder spiritual concepts, and this is no exception. As I have been watching, my mind has wandered to the issue of my anxiety and fear. In previous posts I have talked about my fears and how this year I was facing them. A recent trip to the counselor's office, revealed a huge amount of anxiety that I just live with on a regular basis. The great news for me personally is that our discussion was in fact an answer to prayer because I have been asking God, "Why am I so easily angered?" I can now see a direct link between my issues with anger and my level of anxiety. Now I can attack it head on. I've started with an anxiety journal to track my freak outs and the roots of them. It has really placed me in a quandary, questioning what I am even afraid will happen if my "worst case scenario" were to actually happen or what that even looks like. I know most of it comes from some of the negative experiences I walked through as a child. The things that made to question God.

When I watch Marlin in "Finding Nemo" I see a fish with the same issues that I face. His character experiences an act of fear and subsequent loss. That one act paralyzes him from living. Fear has him limiting his experiences and his son's (did you ever think a Disney movie would ever spawn such a deep thought?)and then he faces another barrier when Nemo is taken. That leads him on this adventure where he stares in the face of all that his mind could ever fear. At some point he just has to give in to the journey and trust. There is no more reasoning and others are acting on his behave without his knowledge and he just has to have faith. Who knew Dory actually spoke Whale and the Whale wasn't going to eat them but help them?!

Who knew the umpteenth time of watching this beloved Disney story, that it would speak to me exactly where I am in life right now. I can't control every detail of my life. Worrying about it doesn't help, yet I walk out in fear and anxiety about things out of my control because its what I've done for so long, its my auto-response. Taking a step back, a deep breath and asking myself some reflective questions are the start to a new life of just trusting in God when its out of my control. Its asking him for guidance when it is a decision I have to make and trusting him walk it out with me.

If we are all being honest, I believe we get good at living life in autopilot. Stop. Take a deep breath and join me: question your choices, your routine, your reactions and begin to reprogram the answers that do not make any sense. And when the whale says, "let go." Just do it, and embrace your inner Dory.

DIY Life - From Drawer to Shadow Box

Consignment Warehouse had two of these great drawers that really were nothing much to look at but the possibilities in ways you could utilize them was endless.

So I bought one!

All it needed was some TLC. I sanded it down, peeled off the liner in the drawer and then used Valspar's Rushing Stream on the edges to frame my drawer (soon to be shadow box). I also got the paint for FREE! Real Simple magazine had a coupon for a free sample size, which was all I needed!

I purchased a yard of gray and whiteish chevron print duck cloth at Hobby Lobby (used my online coupon through my phone for 40% off). By the way, they are no longer allowed to alert people to their coupon on their website, but if you have a smart phone, just google it in line and give them the 4 number code. So while I was there I also grabbed some furniture tacks. I got some in gold that were larger to border the edges and a package of matching smaller silver ones for contrast to use on the drawer itself.

The next step was selecting my items to go in this new creation. (Truth: this is a story unto itself, but summarizing for time sake). Then I had another quandary. I had no idea how to fasten things into the box without damaging some of the items of sentimental value. I reached out to my DIY creative Facebook friends and got some great (and some silly) responses. No, I am not going to use Duct Tape, but thanks for that suggestion :). So I got some clips and magnets, Velcro (had it already), and Command strips. I used the Command strips on the hand prints and Velcro for the ballet slippers. I hot glued magnets to the cloth, the clips were magnetic so they just stick to it. I used the small tacks to attach my Clipboard styled clip, Voila!

The top left corner is my oldest stepdaughter, below her is my younger stepdaughter, top right is my son, bottom right is me and the middle is my husband. I included an art project from one, hand prints from the other two, my ballet shoes and a card my husband made for his parents when he was little and of course, there are pictures of all of us as babies.
The process looked something like this:

I am a creative person, and I have more Pinterest boards than one person should, but the truth is the best creativity doesn't come from coping someone's idea it comes from the journey of walking out one of your own. Get the tricks of the trade off Pinterest, but make something new to pin!

DIY Life - Hallway Projects

So first let me just say I have an problem with making decisions. I recently re-read my Myers Briggs Personality Profile, ENFJ, to discover that it is in fact my personality that is to blame. Okay so its not just my personality but it would appear I'm predisposed to indecision, so at least some of those decision issues can be summed up with the phrase, "It is what it is." That knowledge nugget was given to you so you will understand the dilemmas I go through even in simple projects.

Several months ago, we started updating our house, I would say remodel or renovating, but those words would involve some actual money, which we don't currently have for anything other than bills and debt repayment (Thanks Dave Ramsey!). When I saw the wonderful look of the outside of our house after a paint job, I decided the inside could use one too. So I started in the hall with the pantone color, String, it didn't come out quite like I'd hoped at first, but with new faceplates for the electrical switches, new pantry knobs from Hobby Lobby, new light fixtures from Habitat for Humanity's ReStore shop, it was well underway. I found a great mirror at Kirklands on sale (sales make me super happy FYI) so instead of redoing the one we had in the hallway, I decided to buy one, call it done and actually save a little money in the end in comparison with what the supplies would have cost for me to punch up the one we had. Then, as a result of my mutterings to God, I found 2 frames on clearance at Target that I had been stalking for well over a year. The frames were originally $30 each and I got them both for $20, another great sale score!

Then I went to see my sister and mom in Ohio. I was in awe of my sister's house. So I came back on a mission to find some unique pieces and ones that spoke to me.

That is when I found the Consignment Warehouse and discovered some great pieces, of course, my indecision issues started to sprout and I did my share of hemming and hawing, and actually lost out on a few things I liked because of it. But I found a great architectural column to use on the wall.

I got that wall done then went back in search of some other pieces. I found an old drawer and decided I could use the kids handprints and make my own shadow box for the wall.

I got some paint (free by the way, coupon in the Real Simple magazine), and used my 40% off app to get some nice fabric and furniture tacks at Hobby Lobby. I did however run into a snag. I couldn't find my oldest stepdaughter's hand print. I couldn't do 2 out of 3 so it was back to the drawing board. After a great deal of searching and anxiety attacks I came up with a collage of memorabilia from all of us, all 3 kids and the hubby and I. I think it turned out great. (For those of you who wanted to see more about this project, I will do a whole post devoted to it).

I have become a fan of string nail art. I made a piece for my office at work, and I found it not only to be a great art piece, I also found it to be therapeutic. There's just something about hammering nails to get out the tension and stringing them to help bring focus and calm. Its great! I had purchased the first piece of wood from ReStore, so I headed back that way when looking for something for the hall. I got a nice, sturdy piece of wood for about $5. I found some inspiration off Pinterest and ventured out in the same direction, but found I needed a few changes at the end. All in all I am pleased with the results.

I then paired these great pieces with this awesome frame I found online through a local Facebook group dedicated to selling your stuff. I am still working on a few more items for the hall, but I am looking forward to putting my efforts toward the living room soon.

Spiritual Life - A Game of Pick Up Sticks

Someone really special to me is my Pappy. Pappy is my mom's father. When I was 7, due to a string of circumstances, my mom and I moved from our home with the Davidson family in North Carolina to Indiana where our new life included living with my Pappy in his two bedroom trailer. We lived there for 4 years. In that time, my mom gave birth to my sister. The three of us shared a room and a bed on the opposite side of the trailer from my Pappy's room. During those years, my Pappy became a surrogate father to me and my sister. He taught me to ride a bike, we'd go to Dairy Queen together and I would ride his quads and golf carts with him. One of the activities that Pappy invited me to join him in was whittling. My version of this skilled craft was to cut off a few pieces of the wood, then just paint a design onto its surface. Pappy however, would actually carve shapes. 

Years later, Pappy presented me with my very own Cedar carved set of the game, Jack Straws, aka, Pick Up Sticks, that he had carved just for me. It was a game he had that we would play when I lived with him. As an older teen, this gift meant something. It gained even greater value when he was killed two years ago.

 

For those who may not know, pick up sticks is a game where a bunch of different shaped (or colored) sticks are placed in a clump on a hard surface and players must use the hook stick to free sticks from the pile without moving other sticks. The sticks are given value based on their shapes or colors. The person with the most points when all sticks are freed, wins.

I was thinking about this game the other day and saw a spiritual connection.

Our lives are like this game. Each of us have walked through life with fears and insecurities, we've encountered hardships or nasty behaviors from others and through these things we've developed a stack of sticks that need to be examined and "organized" to live a life of stability. When we open our lives to God and allow him to be our Lord, we give him the hook stick. He gently extracts sticks from our clump, but in the process it may shift another stick (issues) in our life. Maybe you are like me and want it all handled at once, but the truth is if God did that, it would destroy us. Maybe also like me, you feel like you have gone to counseling or worked with a mentor to deal with each issue in your life and you've checked it off your "needs to be resolved" list, only to see it come back. It can feel discouraging, but the truth is some issues have multiple sticks and God has to get them all. I can feel discouraged or overwhelmed by the buffet of weaknesses that stands before me. I see the sticks in my life and just want to quit trying. Its in those moments that all of us need to put on some proper perspective. My pile of sticks is smaller than it was 10, 5, or even 2 years ago. Perseverance and humility will aid me in journey of getting to a stickless life.

If you've been discouraged like I get at times (a wave just hit a few weeks back), get a hug from a good friend, adjust your perspective, thank God for the journey that's been cleared and keep on. You are worth the journey and seeing the issues completely healed and dealt with by God. God can and will do the job if you let him.

Remember these words:
Exodus 14:14
"The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still."

Spiritual Life - Tethered?

Tether in its simplest definition means being connected to something else that restricts movement. When you use a rope to tether a dog to a tree, it keeps the dog in an area around that tree that is restricted by the rope’s distance.

There are many things we are tethered to in life, whether we recognize it or not. Some are pleasant experiences, others are not. I am tethered to Kevin Guy in marriage; I am tethered to Verizon Wireless in my phone plan with a contract. I am tethered to a job, a house, a car, bills, kids and the list goes on. Tether is a connection but a connection that can be restrictive, dependent upon to what you are connected. What are your connections?

If you are tethered to something that adds to your life then the tether really isn’t a bad thing, in fact, it probably keeps you from bad things, but if you are tethered to the wrong thing, it can be an awful, limiting and possibly even dangerous experience. It’s important to know what you are connected to and pay attention to how we get tethered. You may think of tethered in the scope of marriage or employment, but it goes beyond that. When you hang out with people or get into a book series or tv show you are being tethered through their beliefs. What you believe isn’t just seen in what you would say in a conversation with someone, but in how you live your life. If you believe someone is a bad influence you would show that by choosing to stay away from that person.

Our connections with the world around us can limit us in our relationship with God and that can be a dangerous to our spirit. We often don’t realize this reality until it’s too late. We find ourselves believing things that aren’t Biblical and inevitably putting distance between us and God. Take some time to mimic the words of David and ask God to reveal to you where you have strayed and lead you back to him. (Psalm 139:23)

Cooking Life - Seriously Easy Dessert!

Today was Memorial Day, and I planned on making a cake for dessert for a family meal.  But it was 97 degrees, my house was hot and we discovered the AC wasn't working right, so that meant the oven was not coming on!  

This meant plan B for a lot of the meal.  I opted to do potato salad instead of baked potatoes and thought I'd try something different and cool for dessert. I ran to the new Walmart market down the street with a few ideas bouncing around and perused the aisles for a plan.  After grabbing several things that made their way back to their shelves I found this.

I then grabbed a can of cherry pie filling, fresh mint and some heavy cream.  I recently found a great recipe for homemade whipping cream on Pinterest from the blog below.  I used powdered sugar (though not a lot) and then added peppermint and almond extract.  It was delicious! http://www.familyfreshcooking.com/2012/03/21/simple-homemade-whipped-cream-recipe-vanilla-chocolate-strawberry/

I filled the cups with cherry filling, topped with whipped cream and...Voila!

I grated some of a chocolate Hershey bar and topped with fresh mint.  They were delicious! And best yet, easy!!!

There was even time for a silly shot...

On a serious note before I sign off, I just want to say, how honored I am by the men and women who've served our country in the military to protect people like me. I'm especially touched by those who gave their very lives!  You are not forgotten!!!