Six Lessons From Grandma

Two weeks ago I talked about the memories that come to mind and just the amazing way the brain holds onto some things in our conscious mind and other memories get filed away and never or seldom remembered again. 

This last weekend we celebrated the life of my Grandma Pat.  I had the honor of putting together the slideshow and as I thought back on the times we had together, I realized just how special she was and our relationship was, so I thought in her honor I would share some lessons I learned from my grandma with you!

1. Family is Family - Grandma Pat was my dad's stepmom. I never felt the "step."  She was my grandma and I was her first grandchild.  She made me feel so special on my visits with her and she was someone who made me feel loved.  I knew she was in my corner.  

I never knew until adulthood when I encountered other families that the word, "step" actually created rifts in families and that distinctions of "real" and "step" were made.  It just wasn't in my understanding and its something I continue to try to pass on in life.  

I am about to have my first grand baby, as my stepdaughter, Stephanie, is due in February. I hope that child one day can echo the same words I use when I describe the relationship pictured above. 

2. Its Never Too Late to Start Over - The blended family I grew up in looked perfect to me.  I thought I was amongst the real-life Brady Bunch.  It wasn't until I grew into adulthood that I learned, it was really tough in the beginning.  There were moments when the obstacles that this new family faced challenged its future and as they forged ahead bitterness could have taken hold, but it didn't.  

My grandparents never let age, or bad habits be an excuse for moving forward.  If something needed to be changed, you worked at it until you found success.  I have let this guide me in life as well.  I do a lot wrong, but I won't let that be a quitting spot, but a place where growth will happen.  

I've often quoted Jerry Bridges from his book, Pursuit of Holiness, when he says, "A failure is not someone who fails, but someone who stops trying." I quote it because its a source of encouragement to stay the course.  Whatever obstacle you face, when you fail, dust yourself off and go at it again. 

3.  Gratitude is Everything - We didn't do a traditional service.  It was a lunch and service of our (very large) family at my aunt's house.  We had a lunch of Grandma's favorite recipes, ate candies she loved, drank Fuzzy Navel wine coolers and Sangria (her favorite drinks) and finished the service with pie, as she taught pie making, for many years.  

One of the memories many of us shared was Grandma's strict ways of enforcing the "thank-you" note.  She was infamous for requirement of a "thank-you" note.  While I didn't always agree with the strict standard she held, I know that showing gratitude is a lost art in our society and its something that we must practice more.  Being grateful is a must for the best life possible.  

I loved the touch my Aunt Julia added by having a basket of "thank-you" notes for us to take on our way out so that we could thank someone in honor of Grandma.  I marvelled that despite our objections at times in our childhood, here was a room of thirteen twenty-somethings that know how to write "thank-you" notes and do it consistently.  What a treasure for the generations to come!!!

4. Fun is a Key Ingredient in Life - When I was little, my visits to Grandma and Grandpa's house included playing card games, watching movies in their bed, going on adventures like panning for gold or going out shopping and out to dinner, but my most prized memory is the dress-up time Grandma did with me.  

She would dress me in an old flapper outfit or some other fancy dress.  She'd do my hair and make up and then present me to the family ready in the living room as Glamour Galore, the famous fashion model. Sometimes I was her sister, Glorious.  The way in which Grandma turned the ordinary into an event was an art form and it was a school I loved to attend. 

She had fun! Life is full of junk and sometimes you just have to have fun for no reason at all, other than because life would be too boring without it!  I carry this into my motherhood now.  Sometimes we make the ordinary meal a special event or go on an adventure just because its a Tuesday.  Life has enough serious in it - fun is necessary!!!

5.  Go For Your Goals - Grandma Pat was a supporter.  If she knew you liked something, she was there to cheer you on in those goals.  After all, if you didn't make it, life was full of the neigh-sayers,  but we don't have to be that for those we love.  

As I started to speak more openly about my past, my abortion and how God had healed me, I decided I should tell my family.  I'd rather them hear it from me, than read it somewhere else or have someone else tell them.  After a riveting game of Mexican train, one visit, I told my grandparents my story.  They gave me a hug and sent me to bed.  I later discovered they flipped out in my absence in shock of the bomb I'd dropped in their laps.  

Despite their private freak out, Grandma learned why I was passionate about sharing my story and encouraged me in my public speaking.  One of the first things she did was get me hired as the guest speaker at their local Pregnancy Center's annual banquet! She let me see how to go after goals on my own and to encourage those around us.  What a gift!

6. There's Always A Way to Conquer Those Obstacles - My Aunt Julia shared a story about Grandma, that I loved.  When Grandma was first married, she wanted to make a roast for her husband's boss the night he was coming to dinner.  She'd never made one before and since this was long before google was around, she decided to figure it out herself.  

She called random numbers and acted like she was doing a survey.  She inquired about the ways in which people made a roast.  She then took all the answers and landed on a median recipe on temperature, prepping etc.  Grandma didn't have the luxury of education so many have today, but she was so intelligent (she had a genius IQ) so she learned what she didn't know, any way she could.

Hearing others stories like this one, mirrored the ways Grandma had taught me to get the knowledge you needed to walk down that path you envisioned.  We let far too much stand in our way, and I loved hearing the creative ways, Grandma conquered whatever came her way.  We give up far too quickly in life and many of us need to regroup and go!

Do you ever stop and think what you've learned from those you love?  Which of the lessons above did you most need to hear?  I'd love to hear from you! Happy Wednesday!!!

The Answer To A Question

Being a Christian can often be like walking a tightrope. If you aren't careful you will fall one way or the other.  Getting too grace-filled waters down the message of Christ and eliminates the need for a Savior and getting too truth-filled leads to harsh religion which can hurt others and ourselves.

Saturday morning a friend and I sat and discussed these extremes of religion as it related to a situation in her life.  Some people live on certain verses of the Bible alone and build their lives around it, excluding passages of the Bible that add nuance and meaning to those verses.  The Bible is best understood as a whole so when people choose to extract sections as a basis for their faith, they can deviate from its complete message.  My friend and I had a good talk, she left my house, and I thought the conversation was over. 

Then I woke up Sunday morning. 

My mom sends out a scripture every day and often some commentary with it.  But this particular morning she sent her text group some of her thoughts instead of a scripture.  Her thoughts fit perfectly as an answer to my friend's questions of me the day before.  So I immediately shared it with her.  She was delighted and I was equally delighted and a little proud of my mama who shares the truth of God with such eloquence and love.

Yesterday, I was met with another story of evangelism gone wrong and how the message of "you're going to hell" is in no way good news.  Sharing Christ with others is about what he adds to our life and how he rescues us from the junk we face here on earth.  Being rescued and loved is definitely good news!

This morning I decided I needed to share my mom's Sunday words with you.  She is a woman I admire for so many reasons and at the top of that list is her relationship with God.  I know how to be a woman of God because of my mom!  Enjoy her perspective and see the perspective we must take as we attempt to serve God.  

Sunday morning's text: 

An area of what I view as growth in my life is in the arena of openness to truth. I've always known of those people who were open to any new idea, any shiny bauble in a pretty box, who end up so "out there" that they seem to lose reality of any foundation or structural framework... anything goes! I've also been aware of those who hold to the human expression of religion so tightly in order to prevent going the wrong way, that their narrowness seems cast iron bars around them and joy was traded for a miniscule finite view of truth (defined typically from a few selected Scriptures). 

From this place as a Christ-follower, seeking humility and desiring to honor God as God, and His word as an incredible kindness from Him, miraculously preserved over the ages for the benefit of His children, is a place of awesome delight, sore muscles and bloody elbows! I'm abundantly gratified and thankful for early Scripture training and the experience of a truly personal relationship with God, in His Son, by the power of the Holy Spirit. 

I shamefully admit, I have in times past, behaved like Eve in the garden who chose to add her 2-cents to God's words, in an effort to hold tightly to obedience. Similarly, I, like she, also plummeted to the hard ground below, alive, but broken. In an effort to be perfectly obedient, I have made God small and manageable... with similar results! Except in those times, I have often snatched a few passersby with me on my descent to the rocks below. 

I don't believe one can truly SERVE the LORD while being lazy, selfish, or unloving. I'm not saying one can't be saved from the damnation of hell - Christ brings life to those who accept His gift of paid-in-full. But to "serve" God is another matter... Definitely not for the faint of heart! Service to the One true God, while on this earth calls for incredible courage, discipline, hard work, a determination for due diligence, and a selfless compassion that is far greater than our personal desire. If we stop our seeking of God's blessings at the door of OURSELVES,  we may indeed be successful in our careers, our relationships even, but we will not soar on the wings of the eagle! That requires much, much more of us.

We have a responsibility as Christians to be as Christ was and to do so is a hard task.  It takes balance found only in walking in the Spirit of God.  I hope as you read my mom's words, God spoke to you.  I hope you are inspired to seek God in a fresh way this week and to know God is there always and desires a close relationship with you.  Happy Wednesday! 

What Memories May Come

The human ability to remember is amazing to me.  All our memories and moments are stored in our brains and yet we can equally recall the past as well as forget sections of it.  I am in awe of what we actually remember and what gets forgotten.

I recently shared my car with a new friend who escaped an abusive marriage.  My heart has been open to her because of my own experiences.  Along this car ride she shared with me her story and it was heartbreaking not just because of the acts she was subjected to, but because of what it revealed about women and how they learn to cope with realities that should never be.

As she shared, I shared.  

The last time my step dad abused my mom was a big day and yet its the most menial moments that I remember most.  

What I remember most, once it was all over, was sitting in the hospital ER reading a People magazine article about what Kim Bassinger looked like without makeup.  That fact absolutely cracks me up because there was so much more going on and that is what I remember most!  But as I shared, it was as if remembering that trivial moment was a key to unlock other memories.  I then remembered Kurt showing up in the ER wanting to see my mom.  I was so upset that I tried to attack him and a nurse had to restrain me.  I was appalled that this man would show up to see the damage he had done.  Can you imagine this young teenage girl going after a grown man in a hospital waiting room? Bringing back those memories also brought back emotion.  I had to hold back tears as I drove.

I now understand why he did that, because Kurt wasn't a bad man, he was a hurting man.  He had himself been abused.  He carried a great deal of pain and when the emotion cleared I can only imagine the amount of regret and self-loathing that replaced the anger that had led to him hurting my mom, the woman he'd loved and married.  Regret is what brought him there.

Even though the recounting evokes emotion its also what helps bring healing.  I know God has healed my heart from those years.  I can say, as I have said before in other posts, I don't hold any unforgiveness or hatred toward Kurt because as I processed I saw his hurt, and my heart was able to not only forgive but have compassion for a man that brought pain into my own life.  If I had kept running from those memories that healing would never have come.

Truth moment - being moved to emotion or having feelings triggered does not equate to not having dealt with the pain.  Dr. Henry Venter, a counselor that specializes in Reproductive Grief, once told me the sign you have healed from a wound isn't in whether or not emotions can be triggered but in how it affects your day to day life.  Carrying a burden you can't let go of is one way to know you have to heal from it.  

I've encountered several women lately who are walking a rough road.  They are all, like me, at different stages in the process, but far too many of them are stuck in running away from the memories and emotions and its keeping them from facing up with themselves so they can heal.  Find a safe space to see what memories may come and allow God to heal those broken places.  My mom is an excellent example - today, she is a beacon of light to many women because she allowed God to heal  her and allowed God to use the challenges she's walked.  Honestly, she's one of my heroes (as is this women in my car) because as I stated before a hero isn't defined by what they face but how they respond! 

I may or may not know you, but if you are carrying a burden isn't it time to get help and find healing?

1. You can't do it alone.
2. You can't wait till you're ready
3. You can't worry about what others think
4. You do matter.

I promise you, you can overcome this (whatever the "this" is for you). I am not done in my overcoming journey because I had several things to overcome, but I have overcome too large obstacles from my past and it serves as a reminder that I can overcome the one I currently face.  If you aren't sure where to start, message me and I will happily help you find your starting place (a good counselor, support group etc).  God bless you this Wednesday.  Don't give up on your journey because you are so worth the fight!

Don't Wait Til Its Too Late

Let's get real for a minute.  I have about 5 unfinished posts in drafts that will one day appear or will be deleted, and part of that is because I get thoughts ALL THE TIME!  Little flashes that if I don't write down right away will drift off never to be explored again, well at least not in the original state. So I have notes to myself everywhere.  If I can pick them up when I have time to write and the motivation behind it is still alive within me, then it becomes a post, but if that thought just feels stale when I go to write it, then it goes to my writing cemetery.

Yesterday, I got up and wrote a post, but decided it needed a bit more to be worthy of you, my reader.  So I had every intention of editing it to be read today, but instead, I opened my planner during staff meeting (yes, I still like paper) and noticed a thought I'd scribbled down a few weeks ago that I have yet to explore and decided that would be better to share.

The thought was this:

"By the time you feel thirst, you are already dehydrated."

I had heard this sentence in a video I had to watch before getting into the lottery for a permit for a hike a friend and I wanted to do on our trip this upcoming October (we didn't get the permit by the way - sad day).

The fact is, this is also true for life.  Often by the time we recognize an issue in our life, we are already in trouble.

As I have met with others in their own life messes lately and even sat in my own, I have discovered that too many of us life with our head in the sand when it comes to the obstacles that keep us from living the life we want.   We have to be intentional in understanding who we are, what we need, and where our weaknesses lie, so that we can protect them.

Guess what, the body needs water to survive, even if you aren't climbing a mountain in the desert.  If we fail to give our body what it needs it will shut down.  The same is true for our soul.  If we fail to recognize our emotional needs and push ourselves to the limits, we will break.

We are human.  Say it with me, "I am a human. I have limitations."

Its not okay to ignore reality and act like we are fine when we are not.  That doesn't mean we announce it to the world or introduce ourselves with our downfalls, because we are not defined by our weaknesses and shortcomings, but if we ignore them or hide them we only feed them and allow them to take over.

Asking for help is hard to do and admitting you have messed up or have issues can be humbling, but we all have them.  We need to start with reality and do what we need to thrive so we don't end up emotionally and spiritually dehydrated.

Are you prone to depression? Ignore your tendency to seclude yourself and build in a solid, encouraging community.

Do you overspend and leave yourself financially unstable?  Get rid of credit cards and have someone help you set a budget and hold you accountable to stick with it.

Are you an addict?  Get help from a counselor or treatment center.

Do you get stressed by over scheduling? (This is one of mine) Do less and give yourself the time you need to recover from the day to day.

Maybe this seems over simplified and on some level it might be because these are generalizations and you are an individual, but the truth is, we often get frozen by fears and lack of desire to change, when we need to just move in a positive direction.

Don't wait until you are dehydrated, but if you do, realize, at the state of dehydration, its beyond just drinking water, you may need medical attention.  If you have let an issue go too far, you are beyond the point of self-regulating and you need to involve trusted experts or medical professionals into the process.

Maybe you aren't yet dehydrated but you are on your way and you have to stop and drink some water.  That may just be admitting you are not giving enough attention to an issue in your life and creating a plan to make a change.  Just know you are worth it!  Fight for yourself! I'm here if you need to talk or need direction in where you need to turn, but just know we all have problems and issues and you are not alone.  Let's give our bodies, mind, spirit and emotions what they need to not just survive, but thrive.  Happy Wednesday!

What Are You For?

Caleb Kaltenbach was supposed to be at a conference I attended in May to lead a couple workshops,  but some issues with his airplane kept him from making it.  His story sounded interesting so I was looking forward to hearing from him.  I wandered the speaker bookstore and decided to get his book.  I started reading it on vacation last month and it truly hasn't disappointed!

While the Christian world debates homosexuality, Caleb comes in with a different perspective.  He grew up with gay parents.  He spent his growing years attending Pride parades and encountered Christians who pedaled in hatred and was taught how horrible Christians really were.  Caleb agreed to attend a Bible Study with the intention of giving hate back to those who hated him and his family.

Instead he encountered Jesus, and discovered the Christians he'd encountered weren't the same as the Jesus the Bible talked about.   When he became a Christian and decided to go into ministry, his coming out experience (in reverse) wasn't met with enthusiasm.  His book, "Messy Grace - How a Pastor with Gay Parents Learned to Love Others Without Sacrificing Conviction" is a wonderful story chalked full of sound advice to the Christian community of 2018.  The first few chapters have more underlined than not, and while I don't think my struggle is loving people that are different than me, I learned a lot from his perspective.

One of the sentences I underlined in Caleb's book was:

"our church should be known for what we are for, not what we're against." (page 2)

While this isn't a new thought, it definitely gave me pause.  Yes, its easier to get up in arms about the way things are done wrong, but jumping to what we are against while easier causes more damage that standing for what we are for.   Caleb further says, "Unfortunately, some Christians have used the Bible as a weapon to bludgeon those who disagree." (page 8)

Do you know what is at the heart of war?  Its not hate - its fear.  Fear is a powerful emotion and it leaves wisdom, kindness and love out in the cold.  Fear makes us do crazy things and many Christians live in a world different than what they believe it should be and they are scared.  I think that have a right to be.  Look at the history of the world.  Jews were killed because they were Jews.  African men and women were sailed around the world and sold as slaves, and even in our country because of one's skin color, men and women were beaten, raped, sold, tortured and murdered.  Christians are scared they are next.  Unfortunately, when we push back in fear out of protection, we often do to others what we don't want done to us.

Learning more about where someone is coming from is always a benefit.  I don't think we are ever going to make progress in shouting from opposite sides of issues as to why the other side is wrong.  This model of behavior (now newly improved on the social media newsfeed) only builds walls - it doesn't provide bridges.  We have to be okay with disagreement as along as its communicated and acted out in respect and love.

Today in my reading of the Bible, I was encouraged that when Peter was called to tell Cornelius about Jesus (Acts 10), and then was confronted by Jewish believers because he ate with a Gentile, that they were excited that God had made a way for all to have a relationship with Jesus (Acts 11).  It was different than what they knew because Jews and Gentiles were distinct and often opposing people groups in the days of the Bible.  God built a bridge and his followers were excited.

The Bible also tells us the world will know we are Christians by our love. (John 13:35) That just isn't the case today.  We are known for what we are against not what we are for.

I am for all people being able to have a relationship with God.  I am for treating others with love and respect.  I am for people finding allowing Jesus to heal their wounds from life.

I am not saying we give up our convictions and do away with rules.  I am saying lead with love.  Share what we are for and meet others you disagree with in a relationship so that you can discuss solutions to problems (like immigration, abortion, gun control...) that take the concerns of both sides into consideration.

The point is when we care more about proving a point and being right we miss the boat.  No one is listening when they feel you don't care.  Stop proving your point and love the person you couldn't imagine loving.  In loving them you will see something you didn't before - them.  It may not change your stand but it may change how you communicate it.  If I am for people and for loving people, I will start there.  What are you for?  My exhortation for you today is to examine your actions, words, social media posts, and ask what is my current behavior communicating?  Do you stand out for what you are for or what you are against?  Are there changes you need to make?  No better day than today to do it!  Let's be "for" together!

Redefining Hero

Life truth: none of us can control what happens to us in life.  The truly inspirational are those who take the trash they are given and make a beautiful treasure.  (I really don't like lemons to lemonade because lemons really aren't that bad, heck my son eats them plain).

I was amazed a few weeks ago as I watched a man who had lost a leg in an accident and decided not to let it get him down.  He began training for America Ninja Warrior and blew everyone away with how far he made it down the course.  That is triumph.

Not every obstacle is physical and sometimes the hardest to navigate are the ones that no one can see.  Let me introduce you to my friend, we will call her Mira.  Mira discovered a little over three years ago that her husband was having an affair and it wasn't his first.  She found her life instantly changing as he announced he was done and didn't even want to try to work it out, despite their children and many years together.  Can we be honest, this happens more than just to my friend, Mira, doesn't it?! Its easy to tell poor Mira to suck it up and move on because this is reality in 2018.

That didn't happen.

Mira allowed God to reveal areas where she wasn't giving her all to her marriage, but also to HIM.  Mira took a look at herself and decided to meet God in the midst of life.  She leaned into God and discovered a new relationship she had yet to encounter.  I can tell you, she is a different person today.

We hear a lot from Christians on their disdain for the unBiblical life of homosexuals in our world, what we don't hear is their distaste for things like having sex outside of marriage, living with a sexual partner you aren't married to, and divorce itself.  All of those are also wrong, according the Bible.  We aren't allowed to pick and choose, we believe it or we don't.  We don't get to say, "Well, this is my struggle, so I will let this slide, but this over here is yours so I get to stone you with your wrong doings."  The Bible isn't a weapon and it doesn't just state right and wrong but how we are to love in the midst of life.  That often gets forgotten, but I digress.

Mira took her calling seriously.  She committed her relationship with her husband to God.  It was amazing as I watched her prayers create and change things that everyone said were impossible.  Now, I'd love to tell you she and her husband are back together loving each other and God, but that isn't the case.

Mira still believes.  She still hopes in God despite circumstances. While so many would say she is foolish - I see the spiritual warrior that has emerged and it humbles me.  She has become my hero.  God gets the final say and just because the world says something is over, doesn't mean it is.  We don't know what will happen and honestly, that isn't the point.  We do know God is in control and he is working and Mira gets to see what he does at each step. 

Talking and praying with her has changed me too.  I see a faith we were all called to live.  I see the beauty she is creating for herself and her kids as she makes room for God at the helm of her life.  Mira sees that the true enemy is Satan and she won't give up on God's best.  She is fighting with spiritual weapons, the ones far too many of us have left on the ground in our feeble attempts to conquer our own lives.

What trash are you holding?  How can you give it to God, lean in to him and allow his love to change you and create beauty?


Exodus 14:14 says, "The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still." (NIV)

I hope you will see the hero inside of yourselves as you seek God in life and allow him to do his job.  A hero isn't always the one who comes in and saves the day - a hero is also the person who hands life to God and says, "What now?" The hero is the one that takes what life has given them and keeps going, refusing to give in to defeat! Trust me, you are worth more than the junk that keeps you down.  The details are different for us all, but the struggle is the same.  Please fight for yourself.  I'm here and I'm praying, so be the hero you were meant to be!!!

Dream With Me

I’m currently working on a book.  I have tons of books that are waiting to come out of me, but its taken me a long time to decide what my first book will be.  I’ve been writing all my life.  The beauty in that, is that my book isn’t comprised of fresh words from my heart and head, but a mixture of old and new.  Much of my book has been written over the course of my life - I now just have to piece it together. 

As I have combed through my earlier work, I have discovered some new truths about myself.  

I’m 39 years old and I still don’t know “what I want to be when I grow up.”  That has always troubled me because I feel like that answer should be an easy one.  I know who I am and how and why I tick so why doesn’t that easily translate to what is ahead?  I grapple with future goals and how I want to leave my mark on the world.

I think its a “D: All of the above” situation and while I have known a few of the answers D comprises, it wasn’t until today that something clicked with that final piece.  

A: I have a lot of talents so narrowing down is a challenge - knew that. 

B: I love things that are outside of the box so finding my workspace isn’t as easily defined - knew that.  

What I didn’t know surprised me.

C: I couldn’t dream of what I wanted to do because my dream was to escape the crazy train life and just be normal.  That isn’t to say I wanted to be like everyone else, I just wanted to be someone who didn’t have to fear daily life.

I was a girl who lived scary circumstances and that reality replaced future dreams of career with future dreams of normalcy. 

When I look at option C, I realize, I’ve already passed that test and attained that goal.  Life isn’t perfect and it isn’t always pretty.  There may not be a literal white picket fence in my front yard, but I live in a nice home, with a husband who loves me and three wonderful kids who share the other rooms of the house.  I have a relationship with an amazing God, am supported by a great community and there is always food on the table (usually enough to share).   I have what I dreamed to one day have.  

So its time for a new dream. Its time to explore the possibilities.  

What about you? What are your dreams?  What's getting in the way of those dreams?  I don’t know if you are old enough to know who Mama Cass is, but I can close my eyes and hear her voice singing, “Dream a little dream of me..”  

Dream (and sing) with me. Be sure to share them with me - I want to hear them!!!