The Faith Process

Hebrews 11 - Tells us that "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." This is sentence is easier to say than it is to live out. But today I began to see it bearing real fruit in my life.

I was married 4 years ago last month. I married a wonderful man who has experienced a lot of life, something I am very familiar with myself. It was God that brought two people together who are 16 years apart in age. Having been previously married my husband brought two almost grown children into our marriage. I came into the marriage with only an abortion in my past wanting desperately for children of my own.

My husband had a vasectomy in his previous marriage which would need to be reversed. We went into the reversal surgery already with 2 years of marriage under our belt and were only promised a 50% chance of success. I was believing God for a miracle as the surgery alone cost us the rest of our savings at the time, but with each month of a period my hopes for a baby was crashing. I told God I trusted him no matter regardless of his plan for me, and even though I felt I wanted a baby more than anything, what I most wanted was his will for my life.

Almost two years passed with no sign of pregancy. But I continued to persist in prayer and put my trust in God. Last month I discovered I was pregnant and was bewildered and excited all at once. It was something that didn't feel real, but it was in fact happening. I cried with gratitude to the Lord and called everyone on planet earth with the news.

The story now brings us to present day "Carrie Life" and a few weeks ago I began to have bleeding, something that can be normal with some women in pregnancy, but as a precaution I was sent to have blood tests and an early ultrasound. All tests came back saying things looked good, until yesterday. I went for my first official doctors visit and after the ultrasound the doctor told my husband and myself that he was 98% sure I was having a miscarriage. The ultrasound machine he was using was older so there was a chance a different machine would be more assuring and I could just be early in my pregnancy than suspected. So I was asked to go into get another ultrasound today.

I left the office last night upset but determined to have faith. I put it before God that I would always stand by Job 1:21 - "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, may the name of the Lord be praised." No matter what the outcome I would praise God because He is in control and He is Lord. He has a plan and I will always put my trust in that instead of what is before me in life. I chose, despite the thoughts that tried to bombard me with discouragement and doubt, to stand by God in faith believing that 98% "No" in human language was not too much for my God. I chose to walk in faith and trust God to do anything. As I slept last night a familiar song filled my head. Its called, "He's Never Failed Me," and the lyrics truly inspire confidence in God. I awoke and read about the Fiery Furnance in Daniel chapter 3 and decided to give all glory to God despite the outcome, and regardless of any news this morning I felt like I had been successful in having faith. I felt my believe in God permeate my being and live out in my actions. I was walking in the "substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."

I went in for the ultrasound this morning and while I have not yet heard from the doctor, I know I saw a sack and fetal pole and heard a heart beat. The nurse said I appear to be more like 6 weeks than 9 weeks, and I am confident God provided a miracle for me. I receive this amazing gift not only of a baby, but also of faith.

The Ones We Love

This morning I got a waking call from my sister in Ohio. She called to inform me my mom had been in a car accident. A 17 year old girl had run a red light and hit my mom, totaling her car and sending my mom in an ambulance to the hospital. With my mom's neck and back trouble and past neck surgeries, we were concerned the screws in her neck would come out or that some damage would be done to her spine. I am on the other end of the country and I was worried. I hated that I couldn't rush to the hospital to check on my mom. I had no knowledge of the severity and was scared by the unknown. I was comforted by prayer and the knowledge that God is in control, but still hating the silence and lack of control on my end.

I was reminded by the situation about the importance of relationships and how we should not take each other for granted. I was reminded that we must be communicating love to each other and work out all our fights with friends and family, because we never know what will happen tomorrow. I was glad as I waited for a report that I had just returned from a love-filled visit with my mom and family, because in that moment I wanted my mom to know she was loved.

An hour later I received a positive report - the screws in my mom's neck were still in tact and the damage to her back was not permanent, and the only other damage was to her teeth - easily fixed. Praise God.

From Katie Love Carrie

Happy birthday Carrie
I love Carrie so much
Can you take to lunch again Some time
Where are doing tomorrow morning
Carrie love's me very much
Can you do Something on Next Birthday
I love Carrie so much
When are you doing on Next day or Other Week
Do you like Dogs so much
Can you Give me Money for Washing will your Gone you Went Ohio
May be can Buy you a StarBucks on your Birthday

(This was my birthday note from Katie)

All That Matters

Below is a little something I wrote a while back that never made it on the blog, so here it is:

Do you ever stop and ask yourself what your life reveals about your priorities? I got to take a deep look at this question over the weekend. My answer to the priority question has really changed. I believe one priority I did not recognize was fear. I was motivated by how others saw me or fear of getting emotionally or physically hurt. Those things kept me from my desired priorities like God, walking by the Spirit, loving people, and experiencing the wonderment of life and the moment. As I begin to experience freedom from fear I truly experience the life planned by God. Won't you join me?

Reflections

I was reading a friends' blog recently and was reminded of what life can be. Its a fickle friend with Jekyll/Hyde tendencies, luckily its not life that is leading the train, but God. He's in control even when everything falls apart and nothing makes sense. Even though I am not through the rough patches, I have come a long way and started to wonder what did I learn and how did I make it?

Before I answer that question, let me tell you some of what I have faced since I said, "I do" to Kevin Eugene Guy. After 1 month of marriage I began a new job in addition to the job as youth pastor that I have had for almost 7 years. We moved only 3 short months later and less than a month after that my husband went away on business for 3 weeks leaving me with a house that started to show needed repairs, two new stepdaughters, and a lot on my work plate.

I was overwhelmed by it all and all too willingly accepted help from a trusted friend in getting household repairs done. It was months later we discovered he was molesting my younger stepdaughter, who had been acting out as a result of it all. We of course only first saw the acting out, not knowing where it was coming from. For her protection I will leave out the details, but part of the battle was with her diabetes care, which meant several trips to the hospital. It was nightmare for all of us. We had court proceedings and counseling sessions. This huge travesty was only compounded by the normal adjustments faced by any new blended family and my emense desire to have a baby, with no pregnancy in sight. How would we come through - all of us victors?

I am still in process and honestly the sermon I delivered this last Sunday at church really speaks the journey I have been walking because half the battle for me is just accepting that I am, indeed, in process. God is doing a work in me - I am the masterpiece, not the Creator. I don't get to direct my life and truly even on a bad day - my life is far greater than the prophet Hosea or Job :), but the truth is the first stage I faced (still coming out of it) was anger. I finally decided to allow myself to be angry (something I learned from situations much earlier in life). I have heard from everyone where I should be and I know where I need to get to, but I am not there and just telling me over and over again was not changing anything. I needed to do it at the pace that I could do it. When I accepted that reality things started to change for me.

Starting counseling 2-3 years ago was one of the best things I ever did. It has been wonderful to have a safe place to let it all out and find God through it all. I have learned that my life is not about me. I have learned that people pleasing is seriously overrated and doing things God's way always pays off - even when what I want most is my way. I am learning to accept reality and see God through it.

To answer the second part of the question for myself I would say I got through it with friends. Building a support network of people I could trust, talk to and just have fun with. Girls nights are paramount in facing life. You don't have to be 13 to enjoy a good movie and do your nails - 20-40 something works well too. I have also had to find what makes me happy - places I can go on my own to discover more about myself - the me God delights in. For me its been voice lessons and dance. Finding ways to express myself has been amazing. I also bought a chair - yes you heard me right - I bought a chair. Its not just any chair - its my solace chair. Its in my room. So when all is quiet or all have gone from the house - I can go in my room - curl up in it and pray, read my Bible, or just sit in silence. That chair has been such a gift, as crazy as it may sound.

So here I am still figuring it out, but hoping to learn from the road behind me so I can be prepared for the road ahead. Hope this was helpful for someone else out there.

A Time For Change

Its no secret that I have been unhappy lately with my life. I just didn't think I would be where I am today. I expected or hoped for so much more. Truthfully and unrealistically I expected God to give me more in my adult life because I think in a part of my subconscience I thought he owed me. I was so scared as a kid. Scared the money would run out and all those around me would be gone. I had reason to be scared, but I am no longer that scared little girl and God doesn't owe me anything. He already gave me the best gift out there - Salvation. There are people on this planet with far less than me. There are people with deeper sorrow and greater needs. Who am I that should get it all?

Its time I stop throwing a pity party and open my eyes to all I have. So each day I am going to see the haves in my life, not the have nots. I need to so I can recapture the joyess spirit I used to have. The blessing though in the pity party is that God exposed to me things about myself that I never realized or admitted. So now I can look at them realistically.

For now I can say I have:
A wonderful husband
Two beautiful stepdaughters
Great teens that God has allowed me to share life with
A job where being on the beach or on a house boat is just a day at the office :)
A beautiful house
Wonderful friends - actually some of the greatest on the planet
All body functions - legs, arms, hearing, sight, etc.
Some great side jobs to help make ends meat
A love for music and people
A running car
food in the house even when we are out of money until the next payday
DVR :)!
Lights and air on
A pool in the backyard
clothes to wear
A big wonderful family
A love of cooking and ability to put together great meals


So each day I will evaluate and recognize the positive - I'm sure I haven't had my last childlike fit, but here's to the road to recovery!

Fighting Hard

Lately I have had some pretty brutal conversations with God. Conversations I have had to apologize for - let's face it - God could easily take me out. He is someone I need to respect, but the lack of control over my life has had me in fits. Its the only thing I can do as nothing will change as a result of my complaints. God does not operate like the customer service department of a major cooperation. He is supreme and my issues are not going to change his mind. He does care about the smallest issue in my heart, but my complaints don't dictate his actions.

Life is infact a process, one I am no doubt in the middle of - while a mulligan would be nice - its more like an art project where you use the mistakes to create your masterpiece - there is no such thing as do over - it is what it is. I must go from here - no turning back, no guessing what could have been - its what might be from this point. So I've had to come to God and face what is my life. I found a great book I am currently reading which has me facing what I want to run from. I want to have a baby, a new job, and my step kids to love me. Nothing is changing. I am not pregnant and with each period I am outraged at one more month that mocks me. I am working for a church with part-time pay where the volunteer leadership team treats me with comtempt and I slave over a plethera of odd jobs to make ends meet. My 18 year old stepdaughter dispises me and spends all her time with anyone but me. She has no desire to imulate me or enjoy that which is Carrie Guy. She seeks to be as far away as humanly possible. So at the end of the day my life looks at me and laughs knowing nothing is as it should be.

So what are my choices? That is where the book comes into play because the book by Jill Briscoe called, "8 Choices That Will Change a Woman's Life." So here I am choicing pain to purify me instead of running from it like fugitive. I must accept my lot in life. I must love it and even embrace it even though all of me wants to rebel and demand a refund for the emptiness I feel. If that were an option I would have a new life by now, but instead I must allow my crappy circumstances to change me into a better person. It kinda sucks, but here I come. I know I am not alone in my steps to acceptance of what I have. There is a world out there of unhappy people. People I hope will choose with me to be better for the stuff they live that they hate. Join me in acceptance of disappointment for the purpose of happiness, will you?