From Katie Love Carrie

Happy birthday Carrie
I love Carrie so much
Can you take to lunch again Some time
Where are doing tomorrow morning
Carrie love's me very much
Can you do Something on Next Birthday
I love Carrie so much
When are you doing on Next day or Other Week
Do you like Dogs so much
Can you Give me Money for Washing will your Gone you Went Ohio
May be can Buy you a StarBucks on your Birthday

(This was my birthday note from Katie)

All That Matters

Below is a little something I wrote a while back that never made it on the blog, so here it is:

Do you ever stop and ask yourself what your life reveals about your priorities? I got to take a deep look at this question over the weekend. My answer to the priority question has really changed. I believe one priority I did not recognize was fear. I was motivated by how others saw me or fear of getting emotionally or physically hurt. Those things kept me from my desired priorities like God, walking by the Spirit, loving people, and experiencing the wonderment of life and the moment. As I begin to experience freedom from fear I truly experience the life planned by God. Won't you join me?

Reflections

I was reading a friends' blog recently and was reminded of what life can be. Its a fickle friend with Jekyll/Hyde tendencies, luckily its not life that is leading the train, but God. He's in control even when everything falls apart and nothing makes sense. Even though I am not through the rough patches, I have come a long way and started to wonder what did I learn and how did I make it?

Before I answer that question, let me tell you some of what I have faced since I said, "I do" to Kevin Eugene Guy. After 1 month of marriage I began a new job in addition to the job as youth pastor that I have had for almost 7 years. We moved only 3 short months later and less than a month after that my husband went away on business for 3 weeks leaving me with a house that started to show needed repairs, two new stepdaughters, and a lot on my work plate.

I was overwhelmed by it all and all too willingly accepted help from a trusted friend in getting household repairs done. It was months later we discovered he was molesting my younger stepdaughter, who had been acting out as a result of it all. We of course only first saw the acting out, not knowing where it was coming from. For her protection I will leave out the details, but part of the battle was with her diabetes care, which meant several trips to the hospital. It was nightmare for all of us. We had court proceedings and counseling sessions. This huge travesty was only compounded by the normal adjustments faced by any new blended family and my emense desire to have a baby, with no pregnancy in sight. How would we come through - all of us victors?

I am still in process and honestly the sermon I delivered this last Sunday at church really speaks the journey I have been walking because half the battle for me is just accepting that I am, indeed, in process. God is doing a work in me - I am the masterpiece, not the Creator. I don't get to direct my life and truly even on a bad day - my life is far greater than the prophet Hosea or Job :), but the truth is the first stage I faced (still coming out of it) was anger. I finally decided to allow myself to be angry (something I learned from situations much earlier in life). I have heard from everyone where I should be and I know where I need to get to, but I am not there and just telling me over and over again was not changing anything. I needed to do it at the pace that I could do it. When I accepted that reality things started to change for me.

Starting counseling 2-3 years ago was one of the best things I ever did. It has been wonderful to have a safe place to let it all out and find God through it all. I have learned that my life is not about me. I have learned that people pleasing is seriously overrated and doing things God's way always pays off - even when what I want most is my way. I am learning to accept reality and see God through it.

To answer the second part of the question for myself I would say I got through it with friends. Building a support network of people I could trust, talk to and just have fun with. Girls nights are paramount in facing life. You don't have to be 13 to enjoy a good movie and do your nails - 20-40 something works well too. I have also had to find what makes me happy - places I can go on my own to discover more about myself - the me God delights in. For me its been voice lessons and dance. Finding ways to express myself has been amazing. I also bought a chair - yes you heard me right - I bought a chair. Its not just any chair - its my solace chair. Its in my room. So when all is quiet or all have gone from the house - I can go in my room - curl up in it and pray, read my Bible, or just sit in silence. That chair has been such a gift, as crazy as it may sound.

So here I am still figuring it out, but hoping to learn from the road behind me so I can be prepared for the road ahead. Hope this was helpful for someone else out there.

A Time For Change

Its no secret that I have been unhappy lately with my life. I just didn't think I would be where I am today. I expected or hoped for so much more. Truthfully and unrealistically I expected God to give me more in my adult life because I think in a part of my subconscience I thought he owed me. I was so scared as a kid. Scared the money would run out and all those around me would be gone. I had reason to be scared, but I am no longer that scared little girl and God doesn't owe me anything. He already gave me the best gift out there - Salvation. There are people on this planet with far less than me. There are people with deeper sorrow and greater needs. Who am I that should get it all?

Its time I stop throwing a pity party and open my eyes to all I have. So each day I am going to see the haves in my life, not the have nots. I need to so I can recapture the joyess spirit I used to have. The blessing though in the pity party is that God exposed to me things about myself that I never realized or admitted. So now I can look at them realistically.

For now I can say I have:
A wonderful husband
Two beautiful stepdaughters
Great teens that God has allowed me to share life with
A job where being on the beach or on a house boat is just a day at the office :)
A beautiful house
Wonderful friends - actually some of the greatest on the planet
All body functions - legs, arms, hearing, sight, etc.
Some great side jobs to help make ends meat
A love for music and people
A running car
food in the house even when we are out of money until the next payday
DVR :)!
Lights and air on
A pool in the backyard
clothes to wear
A big wonderful family
A love of cooking and ability to put together great meals


So each day I will evaluate and recognize the positive - I'm sure I haven't had my last childlike fit, but here's to the road to recovery!

Fighting Hard

Lately I have had some pretty brutal conversations with God. Conversations I have had to apologize for - let's face it - God could easily take me out. He is someone I need to respect, but the lack of control over my life has had me in fits. Its the only thing I can do as nothing will change as a result of my complaints. God does not operate like the customer service department of a major cooperation. He is supreme and my issues are not going to change his mind. He does care about the smallest issue in my heart, but my complaints don't dictate his actions.

Life is infact a process, one I am no doubt in the middle of - while a mulligan would be nice - its more like an art project where you use the mistakes to create your masterpiece - there is no such thing as do over - it is what it is. I must go from here - no turning back, no guessing what could have been - its what might be from this point. So I've had to come to God and face what is my life. I found a great book I am currently reading which has me facing what I want to run from. I want to have a baby, a new job, and my step kids to love me. Nothing is changing. I am not pregnant and with each period I am outraged at one more month that mocks me. I am working for a church with part-time pay where the volunteer leadership team treats me with comtempt and I slave over a plethera of odd jobs to make ends meet. My 18 year old stepdaughter dispises me and spends all her time with anyone but me. She has no desire to imulate me or enjoy that which is Carrie Guy. She seeks to be as far away as humanly possible. So at the end of the day my life looks at me and laughs knowing nothing is as it should be.

So what are my choices? That is where the book comes into play because the book by Jill Briscoe called, "8 Choices That Will Change a Woman's Life." So here I am choicing pain to purify me instead of running from it like fugitive. I must accept my lot in life. I must love it and even embrace it even though all of me wants to rebel and demand a refund for the emptiness I feel. If that were an option I would have a new life by now, but instead I must allow my crappy circumstances to change me into a better person. It kinda sucks, but here I come. I know I am not alone in my steps to acceptance of what I have. There is a world out there of unhappy people. People I hope will choose with me to be better for the stuff they live that they hate. Join me in acceptance of disappointment for the purpose of happiness, will you?

Emotional Box

Sometimes I wish I could explain to people what goes on inside the shell commonly known as Carrie. There is this whole other world inside my physical being. Its filled with emotions, undescribable that exhibit behaviors, unexplainable. Tonight after seeing, My Sister's Keeper (which I cried continuously through), I started crying. The plot had left, but the emotions remained carrying a personality of its own. My husband looks at me in bewilderment unable to comprehend what is happening or what I am even crying about.

Life makes me laugh and life makes me cry. Those two things are true. While I hate the emotional rollercoaster that is my life, I completely love that my heart is open to things most people desperately try to shut out. I allow the hurts of the world to visit my heart and stay for a visit. I allow people into places of my being that even I can't comprehend. Even though at times it tries to destroy me, I love it! I love the connection with the heart of people and humanity. I love being able to see past all the junk that I encounter daily - to see past the attitudes, addictions and caustic demeanors to see the essence of being stripped of all its embellishments.

So what is it? What is the shape of the emotional playground that lives inside of me? The answer is something that only emotion itself can answer. Its something I've passed on to a friend in heart speak and no other language can translate. As I left the theatre tonight I saw a poster for a movie coming soon. The movie is a children's book I read often. I loved the book and still have it in my livingroom on the bookcase. I got in the car and called my mom, sleeping three timezones ahead of me, to tell her the news that couldn't wait til tomorrow. As I told her I cried. My heart went back and took a trip through the time and life of Carrie Messinger, now Guy. It brought back with it a flood of tears. So here I am writing them down and sharing them with you. Even though tears are currently hitting my chest as they run off my nose, I am not sad. Hard to believe, but true.

Regret Trusts Women

In one of our recent podcasts with Life Report (ProLifePodcast.net), we discussed an article called, "Trusting Women" on RHRealitycheck.org - you can read the article here and listen to that episode here. I made some comments on the podcast, but was filled with so many thoughts I found it difficult to relay them all in that moment. During the podcast, I had mentioned writing a blog in response, and decided to do so. Reading the article again, I do now believe the author is sincere in her reflections, but I do not come to the same conclusions.



Yes, at first glance holding a sign on a street corner that reads, "I Regret My Abortion" is a highly personal statement to share with the public at large. So the question to answer is, "why would she put herself out there like that?" The author states that, "in no other area of our lives are women so freely permitted or expected or encouraged to express regret, much less put it on display in the public forum." It may be the only venue women are focusing on regret, but not the only area where women are being so emotionally exposed to the general public. Follow a walk for domestic violence or a breast cancer walk and you will see passionate women speaking up about the life experiences that have dramatically affected their lives.



There is no sign that can state regret for getting breast cancer because they had no choice in the matter, but they want the facts to get out of prevention and support. Women in violence may regret partner choices even if it’s not written on a sign, and their purpose of getting out there is to let others know this is not a road to go down. The message for all three groups of women are the same. They are all in some way saying, "This is something to avoid." The women having experienced domestic violence is a much better parallel than the woman standing at a McDonald's regretting her daily calorie overdose. Overdoing it in a fast-food restaurant is a much less life-impacting choice than the choice of abortion. This is where the author of this article and I begin to part ways.



I trust women to make good choices, but I also recognize with all the messages that we encounter in our daily lives we are set up for a possible misstep in the life we desire for ourselves. I wish we lived in a world where pro-choice agencies were doing all they could to ensure women were making the right choices and keep women being forced into abortions, but countless examples, studies, and stories would show that this is not the case. Otherwise, reporters like Lila Rose, wouldn't be successful in exposing the statutory rape cover-up that is happening in numerous cases across our nation.



As a post-abortive woman I do not trust any agency offering abortions to get me all the information I need in making a choice I could live with. My personal experience has shown me this, as well as the experience of most women I have encountered, these are women not brave enough to expose their regret, only able to tell me for the first time hoping I would understand their pain from their dark secret. If women were being exposed to the truth of what abortion can do to someone after the initial flash of relief, then I would not need to hold a sign or wear a shirt that identifies my past abortion, but women aren't going to get all the information, so the burden of truth lies on me and others in the trenches.



Bottom line: I trust women to make a good choice once they have all the information to do so, but I don't trust they are getting all the information they need unless those of us who have been there can share our experiences