Before I Die

Last week, I noticed a lumps on the back of my neck and the side of my neck and you know what I thought - I'm dying.  Despite everything I know about positive thinking, the power of God, the promises in scripture and that just because MedMD says, "you are dying," doesn't make it so...

I worried about the worse case scenario!

I called the doctor and the nurse wasn't sure she could get me in, then she asked why I wanted to be seen and when I told her, she had an appointment the very next morning.  Then when I got there, the line for the copay's was so long, I ended up signing into the doctor behind five other people and sat down waiting to sit for awhile and yet, my name was called back almost immediately.  Usually, I wait in the room a bit, but my doctor came in pretty quickly after the nurse.  All of this had me completely FREAKED OUT!!!  I kept trying not to think about the "C" word and yet it was all that kept coming into my mind.

Spoiler alert: I'm not dying and I don't have cancer.  I just managed to cut the back of my head without knowing it, it got infected and that caused my lymph nodes to swell so I was given an antibiotic to deal with the infection.

In those moments between finding the lumps, deciding what to do and hearing from the doctor; I was flooded with worry, but I also got some clarity.

Truth: We don't know how long we have.  We may live til we are 102 and make it on the Today Show for our milestone birthday or we may die next week.

That, my friends, is out of our control.  I don't always get how God works, but I do trust him.  God speaks truth through the Bible, but also through my life.  He's been there through it all.  Yes, there have been times that I didn't feel him or honestly wanted to die, but I know He was always there and I have seen his guiding hand all over my life.  It still scares me to die.  I am not afraid of what awaits me, but I hate the thought of leaving my family behind and not finishing what I started.  I can trust my Savior who knows just how many days I have on this earth, but I also need to be faithful with each one He gives me.

I, like you, have a job to do.  Yes, God gives all Christians a job to do in Matthew 28:16-20, but God also created us each with different ways to share his love with others.  How we walk it out is different for each one of us.  I want to be faithful in being Carrie, the best way possible and to finish what I start.

I realized in those moments of "what if this is the end" that I want to do better at being present in the lives of those I love.  I want to make the 936 weeks from birth to graduation with my kids is the best it can be.  I want to be there for my husband.  I want to go for it in my ministry and business and finish the books that have been waiting to be finished.  I want to share my story, the hope I have and what I've learned with the world (or at least my world).

I am grateful that I don't have cancer but I'm also grateful for the clarity, that scare gave me.  Because its important to know what you would do before you die.  Do you have clarity on that? Is your life in order? May you glean from my own experience.