The past few weeks have been exceedingly hard on me. I desire to share my struggles and the journey I take through life with others who may be facing challenges but often find it difficult to share the process without giving out all the details - details that often include others. I want to respect everyone in my life as I walk out the steps that lay before me. That is a difficult balance to attain. So here I am just saying life is hard.
A little over a week ago my mom was hit by a car - not in a vehicular accident, but she was walking and was struck by an SUV. She lives on the other side of the country so to be so far away, I found this news debilitating. Later that day I received news that left my heart feeling like it had also been hit by a car. I felt frozen in a state of semi-consciousness. Two days later my husband left for Kenya for two weeks, and now I was on double duty in life with some extra work responsibilities, two kids on my own and an emotional state that rendered me helpless. How does one proceed? The days the followed brought more bomb shells and emotional instability with more information that rocked me to my core.
I had to find the strength just to do life - take out the trash, go to work, cook meals, do laundry, change diapers, give baths, etc. I would find myself break down without warning in at times very inconvenient moments. I was broken, heck, I am broken. You see I just completed week one and now face week two. The trials don't go away when my husband returns, but bring a new aspect of the journey, but all I can see now is making it first to that two week "mile" marker. Then I will re-evaluate and see what lies ahead.
When I think about where I was and where I am, I know what has gotten me through it thus far has been a great group of girlfriends and family and my relationship with God. I have been a Christian since I was a little girl, but my journey with Jesus has had its own struggles along the way. The difference this time is that I never questioned him, I just leaned into him. When my heart feels like an crater that was just blasted open by some celestial phenomenon I cry out, "God fill it" before I have a chance to try to fill it with something that won't do the job or heal the wound. I often preach at the church I youth pastor and I find I must live out the words I preach. I have to mind my words, speak with faith and trust that God will do the job. When I find myself trying to take control of the situation, I must let go, and read the Bible for grounding words.
I don't know what lays ahead of me but I am encouraged by Isaiah 50:10-11 that tells me when life is dark, I can trust God and follow his voice because if I don't, I will "lie down in a place of pain." When I feel the need to go defend myself, I stand by Exodus 14:14 that tells me the Lord will fight for me, all I must do is BE STILL. I have to surround myself with voices of truth and encouragement so that when lies hit me in the face, I know to wipe it off and move on.
The truth is I have good days and days when getting dressed is a major challenge. I am working on feeling my emotions and owning them but not reacting out of them. That is hard. I request your prayers as I walk out this scary time in life, and ask that if you need prayer that you send a request my way, so that I may pray for you. Let's walk together.
Carrie, i had no idea about your mom :( is there anything we can do for her? also, i understand where you are coming from. when Eli and i were separated last year, i really wanted to process through writing. however, i had to protect the privacy of our family also. it was a hard road to share my struggles (and what God was doing!) while not sharing personal details. i'm here if ya need me :)
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