Reflections

I was reading a friends' blog recently and was reminded of what life can be. Its a fickle friend with Jekyll/Hyde tendencies, luckily its not life that is leading the train, but God. He's in control even when everything falls apart and nothing makes sense. Even though I am not through the rough patches, I have come a long way and started to wonder what did I learn and how did I make it?

Before I answer that question, let me tell you some of what I have faced since I said, "I do" to Kevin Eugene Guy. After 1 month of marriage I began a new job in addition to the job as youth pastor that I have had for almost 7 years. We moved only 3 short months later and less than a month after that my husband went away on business for 3 weeks leaving me with a house that started to show needed repairs, two new stepdaughters, and a lot on my work plate.

I was overwhelmed by it all and all too willingly accepted help from a trusted friend in getting household repairs done. It was months later we discovered he was molesting my younger stepdaughter, who had been acting out as a result of it all. We of course only first saw the acting out, not knowing where it was coming from. For her protection I will leave out the details, but part of the battle was with her diabetes care, which meant several trips to the hospital. It was nightmare for all of us. We had court proceedings and counseling sessions. This huge travesty was only compounded by the normal adjustments faced by any new blended family and my emense desire to have a baby, with no pregnancy in sight. How would we come through - all of us victors?

I am still in process and honestly the sermon I delivered this last Sunday at church really speaks the journey I have been walking because half the battle for me is just accepting that I am, indeed, in process. God is doing a work in me - I am the masterpiece, not the Creator. I don't get to direct my life and truly even on a bad day - my life is far greater than the prophet Hosea or Job :), but the truth is the first stage I faced (still coming out of it) was anger. I finally decided to allow myself to be angry (something I learned from situations much earlier in life). I have heard from everyone where I should be and I know where I need to get to, but I am not there and just telling me over and over again was not changing anything. I needed to do it at the pace that I could do it. When I accepted that reality things started to change for me.

Starting counseling 2-3 years ago was one of the best things I ever did. It has been wonderful to have a safe place to let it all out and find God through it all. I have learned that my life is not about me. I have learned that people pleasing is seriously overrated and doing things God's way always pays off - even when what I want most is my way. I am learning to accept reality and see God through it.

To answer the second part of the question for myself I would say I got through it with friends. Building a support network of people I could trust, talk to and just have fun with. Girls nights are paramount in facing life. You don't have to be 13 to enjoy a good movie and do your nails - 20-40 something works well too. I have also had to find what makes me happy - places I can go on my own to discover more about myself - the me God delights in. For me its been voice lessons and dance. Finding ways to express myself has been amazing. I also bought a chair - yes you heard me right - I bought a chair. Its not just any chair - its my solace chair. Its in my room. So when all is quiet or all have gone from the house - I can go in my room - curl up in it and pray, read my Bible, or just sit in silence. That chair has been such a gift, as crazy as it may sound.

So here I am still figuring it out, but hoping to learn from the road behind me so I can be prepared for the road ahead. Hope this was helpful for someone else out there.

A Time For Change

Its no secret that I have been unhappy lately with my life. I just didn't think I would be where I am today. I expected or hoped for so much more. Truthfully and unrealistically I expected God to give me more in my adult life because I think in a part of my subconscience I thought he owed me. I was so scared as a kid. Scared the money would run out and all those around me would be gone. I had reason to be scared, but I am no longer that scared little girl and God doesn't owe me anything. He already gave me the best gift out there - Salvation. There are people on this planet with far less than me. There are people with deeper sorrow and greater needs. Who am I that should get it all?

Its time I stop throwing a pity party and open my eyes to all I have. So each day I am going to see the haves in my life, not the have nots. I need to so I can recapture the joyess spirit I used to have. The blessing though in the pity party is that God exposed to me things about myself that I never realized or admitted. So now I can look at them realistically.

For now I can say I have:
A wonderful husband
Two beautiful stepdaughters
Great teens that God has allowed me to share life with
A job where being on the beach or on a house boat is just a day at the office :)
A beautiful house
Wonderful friends - actually some of the greatest on the planet
All body functions - legs, arms, hearing, sight, etc.
Some great side jobs to help make ends meat
A love for music and people
A running car
food in the house even when we are out of money until the next payday
DVR :)!
Lights and air on
A pool in the backyard
clothes to wear
A big wonderful family
A love of cooking and ability to put together great meals


So each day I will evaluate and recognize the positive - I'm sure I haven't had my last childlike fit, but here's to the road to recovery!

Fighting Hard

Lately I have had some pretty brutal conversations with God. Conversations I have had to apologize for - let's face it - God could easily take me out. He is someone I need to respect, but the lack of control over my life has had me in fits. Its the only thing I can do as nothing will change as a result of my complaints. God does not operate like the customer service department of a major cooperation. He is supreme and my issues are not going to change his mind. He does care about the smallest issue in my heart, but my complaints don't dictate his actions.

Life is infact a process, one I am no doubt in the middle of - while a mulligan would be nice - its more like an art project where you use the mistakes to create your masterpiece - there is no such thing as do over - it is what it is. I must go from here - no turning back, no guessing what could have been - its what might be from this point. So I've had to come to God and face what is my life. I found a great book I am currently reading which has me facing what I want to run from. I want to have a baby, a new job, and my step kids to love me. Nothing is changing. I am not pregnant and with each period I am outraged at one more month that mocks me. I am working for a church with part-time pay where the volunteer leadership team treats me with comtempt and I slave over a plethera of odd jobs to make ends meet. My 18 year old stepdaughter dispises me and spends all her time with anyone but me. She has no desire to imulate me or enjoy that which is Carrie Guy. She seeks to be as far away as humanly possible. So at the end of the day my life looks at me and laughs knowing nothing is as it should be.

So what are my choices? That is where the book comes into play because the book by Jill Briscoe called, "8 Choices That Will Change a Woman's Life." So here I am choicing pain to purify me instead of running from it like fugitive. I must accept my lot in life. I must love it and even embrace it even though all of me wants to rebel and demand a refund for the emptiness I feel. If that were an option I would have a new life by now, but instead I must allow my crappy circumstances to change me into a better person. It kinda sucks, but here I come. I know I am not alone in my steps to acceptance of what I have. There is a world out there of unhappy people. People I hope will choose with me to be better for the stuff they live that they hate. Join me in acceptance of disappointment for the purpose of happiness, will you?