What Ails Me

I have been a stress case most of my life. I take on a lot and then fall under the pressure of it all. It is something I have worked on, but hasn't changed. This morning it hit me. What stresses me most and what takes me out of the game is not the stress of all I do - its the stress of expectations behind all I do. That is what I want freed from. I have no desire to say "screw the world" and hold up a middle finger to all who come across my past in an effort to push against expectation, but instead to let those expectations fall off my back instead of letting them define me. The schedule is not the problem - or maybe not the main problem, but instead the pressure to perform and get by without harsh words of those around me. The truth - I can't change the harsh words, but I can change how they affect me. This death to the people pleasing process seems to be taking forever and I wish I could be done with it yesterday, but I will keep moving forward, for I know God will see me through. I just need a transfer from what I know in my head to go into my heart so that I act out of security in Christ instead of fear. It will be reality for me - someday :).

My IRMA Story

As a girl, I set a standard for myself to save sex for marriage. I was 18 and getting ready to graduate high school when that standard was broken. It was a devastating reality, but instead starting over and trying again to stay pure, I gave in and continued having sex with my boyfriend. While most of my life was spent living with my mom, I lived with my dad and step mom in Germany the last two years of high school. The summer before starting college at Texas Christian University (TCU), I stayed with my mom in Ohio. My boyfriend and his family relocated to Pennsylvania. After being in Ohio a short time, I discovered I was pregnant. I took several tests hoping the results were wrong, but I was, indeed, pregnant. I called my boyfriend to tell him the news and as if he knew what I was going to say, he asked me to marry him. I rejected his request because it wasn't the choice I wanted to make. His next request was that I have an abortion. I told him I couldn't because I knew abortion was wrong. My original plan was to choose adoption for my child. As a military dependent at 18, my doctor visits were both free and confidential. I thought I could go to college and carry the baby to term, then choose adoption; keeping the secret from friends and family. The idea of allowing someone else to raise my child became too painful and fear of exposing my sin mounted. I was scared of ruining my pristine reputation as the virgin and good Christian girl. Up until that point, I had been the victim in life; now, I was the one who had committed wrong. I also had plans of college in the fall; being a single mom was not apart of that plan. I wanted to go back in time, and prayed I would wake up and no longer be pregnant, but, of course, that never happened. Finally, I allowed fear and the voice of my boyfriend's request to control me. My boyfriend's mom made an appointment and I boarded a bus to Pennsylvania. My boyfriend, his mom and I went to the appointment. It was nothing like what I had envisioned. There were no picketers - no commotion at all. It was a quiet office in suburban office complex. The doctor performed other procedures besides abortion, so it just looked like a regular doctor's office. My boyfriend paid for the abortion. I filled out some papers and took a Valium before heading to an examination room. I got on the table, while the doctor looked at the ultrasound – I was not allowed to see. He thought I was about 6-8 weeks along. A nurse came into the room and held my hand during the procedure. The doctor started the sucking process and the pain began. The nurse told me to breathe, but I couldn't – the cramping in my abdomen was more than I could bear. When it was over, the doctor told me the pain would get a little worse before it got better. I was given milk and cookies to help stop the cramps, but I still recall crying in pain. The doctor attempted to lighten the mood by making jokes about a promise of my future fertility. I stayed a few days at my boyfriend's house before returning to Ohio. I went to college at the end of the summer. As I started a new life in a place where I knew no one, I was left alone with my thoughts. The reality of my choice settled in – I had killed my baby! I went to a place of utter despair and spent my first year of college an emotional wreck. I can recall people in my dorm hearing me crying in the bathroom and asking if I was okay, but the truth was - I wasn't. The pain didn't subside; I just got better at suppressing it. In my junior year, I confided in a Bible study leader about my past abortion, and she suggested I attend a support group at the local pregnancy care center. I decided to join the group and began my journey of healing. The pain from this experience never completely disappears, but as I worked through the grief, I was able to function without suppressing memories. Now, at times, certain places or circumstances stir up emotions within me, but I am able to see a baby, talk about abortion and hear people's opinions without getting defensive and distraught. It was important for me to not only understand that I was forgiven, but also deal with the grief that was in my heart. I needed to allow my heart to experience the pain of that choice so that I could move on with life. It's a journey that takes a lifetime. While I regret my choice of abortion, I will never regret facing the pain.

The Time Machine

Yes, it is true that things change over time,but it's also true that somethings don't change...at least not for a long time. This Saturday was my Aunt Abbie's 100th birthday. She has seen a lot change since 1909. I can't even imagine all the changes she has lived through. But one thing I enjoyed seeing was the familiar. Aunt Abbie is extremely spry for her age. She still lives at home with an active life. One of my favorite things as a kid was the eating experience at Aunt Abbie's -she always did love to cook, still does, and no meal was ever simple. There are always a good 10-20 dishes on her table and more food in a meal than one could eat in a week. Dinner Saturday night was a plate full of Aunt Abbie's cooking that made me feel I'd just entered heaven. The good food was surrounded by decor that has been the same since I was a kid and suddenly I was back in time flooded with fond memories. It was a wonderful day with loved ones, celebrating a wonderful woman (who I suspect could live to see 200).

Tuesday, March 10th

Our original plan for this day was to drive to Huaypha and stay the night there at center then head down to Chaing Mai on Wednesday. However, Elaine suggested I get down to Chaing Mai so I could see a doctor. So we drove to Huaypha, spent time with Lacheah, and went to the school before continuing our drive to Chaing Mai. On our way to Huaypha we stopped at Huaiya school, where Praweet is, the kid Kevin and I sponsor. They were having a graduation for all the 9 grade graduates. It was fun to see what was happening there as I had been to that school the first time I came. We then took food to a family. The family wasn't there, but when we were stopped I noticed they had the coolest little piggies. I know I took way too many pictures but I was just having a Charlotte's Web experience. Then we continued on to Huaypha.

Huaypha is where I have spent a majority of the time on previous trips. This center is primarily sponsored by members of my church, so it is the one we are most invested in. It was fun to see it and the things that have stayed the same as well as those things that have changed over the years. It was great to see there were now cement walkways between buildings. I was also glad to hear the kids helped in the efforts. The ground is a red clay dirt so especially in rainy season it is very hard to walk in. The kids now have walkways! Lacheah is more than 9 months pregnant as her delivery date had passed when we arrived. It was cute to see her pregnant belly. For those who don't know, Lacheah was sponsored at Musekee as a child. She then went to college and felt God calling her to start a similar center in Huaypha, the village she was from. She and her husband spend their lives working with about 50 kids each day. When she started she wasn't married, doing it primarily on her own (obviously a lot of support). I have always respected her so much for her life of sacrifice.

I also enjoyed going to see the kids at school, though we all were sad not to have time together that night. Even though all I wanted was to lay down, I so loved seeing the kids that I mustered up the strength to sing songs and play heads up 7up with them. Before taking off, Kevin Turl showed us a new building by the church that they will use in the village for events. I am so glad to see all they are doing.

We then got back into the truck and drove to Chaing Mai, Don dropped Kay and I off at the Ram Hospital so I could see a doctor. It was a great experience. The whole thing cost me $70 (for a doctor visit and 4 prescriptions). All the staff was nice and worked at speaking to me in English. After I saw the doctor I was given a number to go and pay as well as pick up my prescriptions. Kay and I were paying attention to the screen where the numbers were being shown, as I didn't know what my number would be as they announced them in Thai, but when they got to my number, the computerized voice had been changed for me, and it said two hundred seventy eight. I was so impressed that they were able to change it based on the patients language. Kay and I then went to a mall close by to eat at the food court so I could take my pills. I went to bed early that night so I could let my body rest.

Monday, March 9th

Unfortunately, up until now I have been getting sick and using at least a travel pack of Kleenex a day. Today it really hit me. I woke up and knew I was not doing anything. Kay allowed me to rest in their house for the day. I had a fever and really felt awful. I was sad to miss out on the school. Elaine, the woman I went with, was able to go see her sponsored child and play with the kids for the day. The group received some tooth brushes and toothpaste that my friend, Cresta, brought over for me take just before I left.

That night I did go to dinner and night worship. The kids looked at me in a way that said, they knew I was sick. After a wonderful time of worship (singing the banana song again), the kids gathered around us to pray for us and lay hands on us. Experiencing their prayers is a wonderful thing. When its time to pray everyone prays outloud at the same time. I think its great to hear all the voices going up to God at once. They know God in a way that is intimate and unheard of for kids their age in our country. It is a beautiful thing to behold. I felt so honored to have each of them pray for me and Elaine. I was humbled.

Sunday, March 8th

We got up and had breakfast at Siami's, then headed to the Jamuleng Church. It is a Karen Church and was filled with beautiful people. They had a guest speaker, an American, who is apart of a ministry in Thailand. He spoke with what he said translated into both Thai and Karen. The terrible part was - he sucked and embarrassed me as an American. I am sure he is a great man, but not only was his message not applicable to the Karen people, he also broke every cultural rule in the book. This is something I could harp on for hours, but I will spare you, except just to say that sometimes a well intended heart can insult if not paired with understanding for your audience.

Afterwards we were invited to lunch at various huts. The rest of the group went with a former Musekee student and I went with Wantacom, who's daughter is sponsored by my sister, Alex. I gave her the picture I had in my Bible of Stephanie, Alex, and I from Thanksgiving and she clung to it. The Karen tradition is when a woman marries, she moves into the hut of her husband's family. So there were several of us crowded around the table that sat a few in off the ground. No one spoke English so I did my best to be kind without saying a word (well besides Deblut, which means about 10 different things in Karen). The food was brought out and my fear came true - there were foods on the table I knew if I ate I would throw up soon after. So I kindly took the veggies and fruit, and when they passed me the plate of fish heads I declined. I didn't want to be rude, but I knew the food wouldn't go to waste. It would have been nice to talk to them, but maybe I can prepare a few Karen phrases for my next visit.

As I left to join the others at the truck, I took the family's picture. It was cute to see the grandpa get all dressed up again like he had been for church. Everyone was waiting on him to take the picture. As I left I said, "Deblut," which in that instance meant "thank you" and "goodbye." I do have to chuckle about one thing. As poor as these people live , they almost all have some of the modern aspects of life like a cellphone or satallite mainly because these things are so cheap. It was humerous to see a cell phone on top of a bag of rice in the hut I had lunch in. It just felt so out of place in those surroundings.

That afternoon after returning to the center, I spent time with the kids helping them write letters to their sponsors. It was a lot of fun. I had a great time! I then got a shower (midday is the best time because othertimes its too cold to pour water on your body). I then went with Siami to have a womb massage (if you want to know more about this, just let me know). We then had dinner and again night worship with the kids (this is my favorite thing). I asked who remembered the "I like bananas..." song. A few hands went up and I saw Pitak in the back sheepishly putting up his hand. So I retaught that song and so enjoyed their faces during the song - they really get into that one. We sang a few other songs and then I taught them another game. I headed to my room above the medical clinic and before the kids went to bed I could hear them walking around saying, "I like bananas" or "Papayas." It just made me smile. I so love these kids...they have the greatest hearts.

Saturday, March 7th

So we got back in the trucks - we've spent more hours sitting than anything else, and headed up to Musekee. We took a stop in Pai, a city I think any farong in Thailand should check out. It's like the Santa Cruz/Austin/Boulder/Yellow Springs of Thailand. Then we finished the journey to Musekee in Ban Wat Chan. It was great to be in a familiar place where my heart dwells in Thailand, again with the Karen people. We settled in our rooms, bought some things from their shop and went to dinner at Siami's house. We got to meet Ahkom, Ahtid, and Tanneen - 3 wonderful young men who help out with the kids at the center, all wanting to be pastors. Then we went to night worship with the kids! I remember a few kids from Huaypha, who are now in Musekee. I asked Pitak if he remembers me, and he says yes (heart melt moment). I taught the kids a game and roared with laughter as they played. I got to see them having fun and see their cute personalities! I could stay forever just to get to know each of the kids. They are so special. Afterwards we went to bed.