The Grief Process

There are seven stages to grief. Shock, Denial, Bargaining, Guilt, Anger, Depression and finally, Acceptance.

With my recent miscarriage, I feel like I quickly experienced shock and denial and passed by bargaining and guilt straight to anger. I have parked my car there with a quick trip to depression on the occasion. I find myself spouting off things I can and can't do now that I am not pregnant. Kevin asked me who I was mad at and I don't have an answer for that, but I am angry. Angry my life just can't be easy at any step of the way. Nothing has come easy for me and that is frustrating. I am not angry at God because I know he knows what he is doing. I just wish it could be easier than it is. I have no desire to ask,"why" I just want to know, "what now?" What should my attitude be? How should I approach my life? These are all questions I don't have answers for, and I'm fine with that for now. My emotional process has been interupted by the current physical pain. I had no idea a miscarriage would be so painful. I didn't want to have to have a D&C as it would remind me of my past abortion, and I am thankful that I had the miscarriage a day after discovering it was my envitable future, but I did not expect both the pain the reality of all that would happen. It was shocking and slightly traumatic, but it was nice to have a distraction from my emotions for awhile as I let my body heal.

Continued Faith in the Midst of Grief

Faith is a powerful tool in one's spiritual tool box. Knowing what its used for and what it is and what it is not will allow it be the most useful tool out there. Today I was met with seeing what you hoped for not come true and yet still filled with faith in a God who is what he says he is. Its being able to thank God in the midst of sheer heartache and still hope in future dreams. I am sad because today I learned that this pregnancy isn't going to happen. The baby has stopped developing and we no longer hear a heart beat. While it is still partially in my body, its soul has gone to be with the Lord. After my dream last week, I have decided to name this miscarried baby, Danielle. I now have 2 babies in heaven and still hope to have one on this earth. I still long to carry a baby to term and hold it in my arms and watch it grow. I still believe that God will allow that to happen, but for now I grieve the loss I am experiencing and pray God will get me through it. Its easy to lose hope, but I choose to believe in a God that has all under control and has perfect timing. In Isaiah 55:8-9 tells us that Gods thoughts and ways are not like ours and are higher than ours. God knows what he is doing, and I trust in that. I cannot know the mind of Christ for me in this painful situation and honestly painful time as I have faced a lot of heartache with others in my family and close friends. I can honestly say I am tired of death and heartache, but I don't have control over what I face, just how I face it. So I choose to walk in faith even in this time of sadness and grief. The tears will abound, but the heart will remain strong.

Heartless

I heard a song at the beginning of a movie on TV this past weekend that I had to find. With some research efforts I was able to discover "Heartless" by Adrien Reju and successfully added it to my itunes collection. The ironic part is in a matter of days the lyrics in a song would become my heart cry with a simple phone call.

There is a part of my life I often refer to with accurate factual detail. Its a collage of events that are apart of my past and a part from which I have effectively become emotionally detached. However, those memories that seemed almost dream like awoke when I discovered someone who represented so much negative in my life is dying. My heart broke open with emotion that were neither expected or explainable. They weren't feeling of anger or self-sadness, but instead compassion and love. And the "hardest years I've ever known" have been right beside me for the past few days more of a friend than an enemy as "I may someday be friend to my enemy."

You see I love someone not because of what they have done, but just because. I grieve for the life that could have been and the part of my past in the hellish mess that were cherished and wonderful. I weep at the thought that my times of deepest pain was the greatest time in his life. Disfunctional as it may be I was one of his two only children even though I am not his. My heart is in pain right now and words seem to inadequately describe all that is happening inside. My past has met my present with quite a deal of suprise and I am not sure what it all means I am just taking it one day at a time.

The Faith Process

Hebrews 11 - Tells us that "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." This is sentence is easier to say than it is to live out. But today I began to see it bearing real fruit in my life.

I was married 4 years ago last month. I married a wonderful man who has experienced a lot of life, something I am very familiar with myself. It was God that brought two people together who are 16 years apart in age. Having been previously married my husband brought two almost grown children into our marriage. I came into the marriage with only an abortion in my past wanting desperately for children of my own.

My husband had a vasectomy in his previous marriage which would need to be reversed. We went into the reversal surgery already with 2 years of marriage under our belt and were only promised a 50% chance of success. I was believing God for a miracle as the surgery alone cost us the rest of our savings at the time, but with each month of a period my hopes for a baby was crashing. I told God I trusted him no matter regardless of his plan for me, and even though I felt I wanted a baby more than anything, what I most wanted was his will for my life.

Almost two years passed with no sign of pregancy. But I continued to persist in prayer and put my trust in God. Last month I discovered I was pregnant and was bewildered and excited all at once. It was something that didn't feel real, but it was in fact happening. I cried with gratitude to the Lord and called everyone on planet earth with the news.

The story now brings us to present day "Carrie Life" and a few weeks ago I began to have bleeding, something that can be normal with some women in pregnancy, but as a precaution I was sent to have blood tests and an early ultrasound. All tests came back saying things looked good, until yesterday. I went for my first official doctors visit and after the ultrasound the doctor told my husband and myself that he was 98% sure I was having a miscarriage. The ultrasound machine he was using was older so there was a chance a different machine would be more assuring and I could just be early in my pregnancy than suspected. So I was asked to go into get another ultrasound today.

I left the office last night upset but determined to have faith. I put it before God that I would always stand by Job 1:21 - "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, may the name of the Lord be praised." No matter what the outcome I would praise God because He is in control and He is Lord. He has a plan and I will always put my trust in that instead of what is before me in life. I chose, despite the thoughts that tried to bombard me with discouragement and doubt, to stand by God in faith believing that 98% "No" in human language was not too much for my God. I chose to walk in faith and trust God to do anything. As I slept last night a familiar song filled my head. Its called, "He's Never Failed Me," and the lyrics truly inspire confidence in God. I awoke and read about the Fiery Furnance in Daniel chapter 3 and decided to give all glory to God despite the outcome, and regardless of any news this morning I felt like I had been successful in having faith. I felt my believe in God permeate my being and live out in my actions. I was walking in the "substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."

I went in for the ultrasound this morning and while I have not yet heard from the doctor, I know I saw a sack and fetal pole and heard a heart beat. The nurse said I appear to be more like 6 weeks than 9 weeks, and I am confident God provided a miracle for me. I receive this amazing gift not only of a baby, but also of faith.

The Ones We Love

This morning I got a waking call from my sister in Ohio. She called to inform me my mom had been in a car accident. A 17 year old girl had run a red light and hit my mom, totaling her car and sending my mom in an ambulance to the hospital. With my mom's neck and back trouble and past neck surgeries, we were concerned the screws in her neck would come out or that some damage would be done to her spine. I am on the other end of the country and I was worried. I hated that I couldn't rush to the hospital to check on my mom. I had no knowledge of the severity and was scared by the unknown. I was comforted by prayer and the knowledge that God is in control, but still hating the silence and lack of control on my end.

I was reminded by the situation about the importance of relationships and how we should not take each other for granted. I was reminded that we must be communicating love to each other and work out all our fights with friends and family, because we never know what will happen tomorrow. I was glad as I waited for a report that I had just returned from a love-filled visit with my mom and family, because in that moment I wanted my mom to know she was loved.

An hour later I received a positive report - the screws in my mom's neck were still in tact and the damage to her back was not permanent, and the only other damage was to her teeth - easily fixed. Praise God.

From Katie Love Carrie

Happy birthday Carrie
I love Carrie so much
Can you take to lunch again Some time
Where are doing tomorrow morning
Carrie love's me very much
Can you do Something on Next Birthday
I love Carrie so much
When are you doing on Next day or Other Week
Do you like Dogs so much
Can you Give me Money for Washing will your Gone you Went Ohio
May be can Buy you a StarBucks on your Birthday

(This was my birthday note from Katie)

All That Matters

Below is a little something I wrote a while back that never made it on the blog, so here it is:

Do you ever stop and ask yourself what your life reveals about your priorities? I got to take a deep look at this question over the weekend. My answer to the priority question has really changed. I believe one priority I did not recognize was fear. I was motivated by how others saw me or fear of getting emotionally or physically hurt. Those things kept me from my desired priorities like God, walking by the Spirit, loving people, and experiencing the wonderment of life and the moment. As I begin to experience freedom from fear I truly experience the life planned by God. Won't you join me?